I found an important puzzle piece in a surprise place!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
I found an important puzzle piece in a surprise place!
I found something inside of me that has lead me to be one step further away from fear than ever before. It came to me from an unsuspecting "teacher" who was trying to sort of scapegoat me.
I wanted to share this.
I know that recovery for us F&F is cyclic.
I am experiencing what I think might be a level of detachment!
About 6 weeks ago, just before my A went into rehab, I was feeling perticularly grounded, I was having a resurgence of creative energy, and I was taking care of myself, my A was staying with his mother. I kind of reserved the right to not believe that he would really go into treatment. As many of you know, we share a child with a brain tumor. Life has been hard.
It was at this time that I received a letter from a friend that I have known for 35 years. Since the first grade. She knows my family, she knows me, has seen me go through everything. She had her judgements. As with many life long friends, she and I went through a lot of different phases together, in our friendship. I always respected her, felt close to her, trusted her. I always fielded her calls of distrees, and she mine.
My friend got married to a kind of controlling man several years ago, had two kids, and became a bit devoutly involved in religion. She married her pastors son, and his family is very churchgoing. I am a musician, artist. I live a different kind of life. We drifted a bit apart, but, I still cared, and kept in touch, a little concerned that she was in a tricky relationship in which she could not be herself. Nonetheless, I supposrted her choice to be with her man. In the end, a few years ago, she confided inme that her husband did not deem me and or my life dymanic appropriate. He judged me to be not a decent person, because I was involved with a man who was out of control.
She told me then that she didnt care what he thought. That she would have her friends, dammit!
She was someone that I associated with "home" in a way. Someone who knew me, and loved me and accepted me, historically. I am not a judgemental person with my loved ones. I tend to be the one who would hold their hand while they cycle through behaviour that may be harming them. She did this foryears before her marriage. She was using relationships to hurt her. I gave my opinions,proposed options.. but ultimately, I stood by her and waited out her self destructive tendencies. You cannot make someone stop hurting themself.
The letter she sent via email was intense. It listed a number of things that she felt I had fallen short of during our friendship. She listed things that were definitely true, things that were half truths, and many things that were flat out skewed perceptions of the truth.
I had no idea that there was any resentment. She laid into me about how I had left her behind, I was not there for her...how I was making questionable choices as a mother by allowing my son to see his alcoholic father via visitations. It was a shockingly judgemental assault. She belittled me in a way that really took me aback.
I was so hurt. And I was confused. I felt like, here I was, gaining ground in my heart and soul for the first time in years, and now was when she decided to kind of flake on me, to throw all this at me. The letter was mean, and it wasn't open for discussion. She said she was done with me, because she felt that I was weak in remaining mired in a relationship with sons father.
In the past I would have been overcome with the pain, I would have written and asked for forgiveness for whatever. I knew that it was wrong. So many things she wrote were just clearly her own frustrations about her life, how it had become small, about how she had lost her own vision...
She was projecting onto me her stuff, with some of my stuff thrown in for good measure..
Well I did compose a response. It was full of questions and concerns, justifications and reasonings.
Then I deleted it.
I then wrote a different letter.
It said:
I have no control over what you do, what you think, or how you percieve things.
I have no control over your life, your choices, or whether you see me and our lifelong interaction the way that I do.
I only have control over me and my choices. I have done the best I can.
I do not want to be scapegoated or judged by anyone that I love anymore.
I will not accept your projections. I am sorry you are feeling unfulfilled.
I am here for you if you want to talk about the real issues at hand, but I will not respond to skewed presentations of a 35 year friendship.
I know I am not perfect. No one is, but I have been a friend. I have been juggling my life and all its stuff, and you have been juggling yours.
I will write this letter, and that is all.
I love you, and I hope you find joy in life. I am working on it. I will help you by being a friend if you want to own your stuff and not judge mine. I have offered that to you.
I feel good, and I will continue to send you only the best love and energy, but unfortunately I am not available to take part in scapegoating or projection to help you work through whatever you feel.
I sent the email off, and I felt great!!
I don't know what it was, but I had the phrase playing over and over in my head since then...
"I love you, but not at any cost."
Somehow it took hold. And I have been able to apply this elsewhere, but most importantly, to my relationship to my A.
I used to be afraid to hold my ground. He might leave.
I used to be afraid to disagree. He might binge.
I used to be afraid to uphold boundaries. He might not like it, and I will be alone.
But now, I feel like I dont want his love or presence at any cost. To me or my son.
It is the most freeing concept to me!
I am focusing on that. I have told him about that.
I have made it clear that I am unwilling to edit who I really am, what I really want, what I can or cannot live with so he will be more comfortable.
I have felt free to say what I think. And if he leaves he leaves.
I have less fear. It may sound petty, but it is HUGE!!!
And...I genuinely feel like he responds to it, like my five year old does. Children push boundaries, throw tantrums when you wont budge, but ultimately they end up feeling more safe and secure knowing that you won't flag.
My A seems to be responding a similar way. And if that changes, I am OK with that.
I wanted to share this.
I know that recovery for us F&F is cyclic.
I am experiencing what I think might be a level of detachment!
About 6 weeks ago, just before my A went into rehab, I was feeling perticularly grounded, I was having a resurgence of creative energy, and I was taking care of myself, my A was staying with his mother. I kind of reserved the right to not believe that he would really go into treatment. As many of you know, we share a child with a brain tumor. Life has been hard.
It was at this time that I received a letter from a friend that I have known for 35 years. Since the first grade. She knows my family, she knows me, has seen me go through everything. She had her judgements. As with many life long friends, she and I went through a lot of different phases together, in our friendship. I always respected her, felt close to her, trusted her. I always fielded her calls of distrees, and she mine.
My friend got married to a kind of controlling man several years ago, had two kids, and became a bit devoutly involved in religion. She married her pastors son, and his family is very churchgoing. I am a musician, artist. I live a different kind of life. We drifted a bit apart, but, I still cared, and kept in touch, a little concerned that she was in a tricky relationship in which she could not be herself. Nonetheless, I supposrted her choice to be with her man. In the end, a few years ago, she confided inme that her husband did not deem me and or my life dymanic appropriate. He judged me to be not a decent person, because I was involved with a man who was out of control.
She told me then that she didnt care what he thought. That she would have her friends, dammit!
She was someone that I associated with "home" in a way. Someone who knew me, and loved me and accepted me, historically. I am not a judgemental person with my loved ones. I tend to be the one who would hold their hand while they cycle through behaviour that may be harming them. She did this foryears before her marriage. She was using relationships to hurt her. I gave my opinions,proposed options.. but ultimately, I stood by her and waited out her self destructive tendencies. You cannot make someone stop hurting themself.
The letter she sent via email was intense. It listed a number of things that she felt I had fallen short of during our friendship. She listed things that were definitely true, things that were half truths, and many things that were flat out skewed perceptions of the truth.
I had no idea that there was any resentment. She laid into me about how I had left her behind, I was not there for her...how I was making questionable choices as a mother by allowing my son to see his alcoholic father via visitations. It was a shockingly judgemental assault. She belittled me in a way that really took me aback.
I was so hurt. And I was confused. I felt like, here I was, gaining ground in my heart and soul for the first time in years, and now was when she decided to kind of flake on me, to throw all this at me. The letter was mean, and it wasn't open for discussion. She said she was done with me, because she felt that I was weak in remaining mired in a relationship with sons father.
In the past I would have been overcome with the pain, I would have written and asked for forgiveness for whatever. I knew that it was wrong. So many things she wrote were just clearly her own frustrations about her life, how it had become small, about how she had lost her own vision...
She was projecting onto me her stuff, with some of my stuff thrown in for good measure..
Well I did compose a response. It was full of questions and concerns, justifications and reasonings.
Then I deleted it.
I then wrote a different letter.
It said:
I have no control over what you do, what you think, or how you percieve things.
I have no control over your life, your choices, or whether you see me and our lifelong interaction the way that I do.
I only have control over me and my choices. I have done the best I can.
I do not want to be scapegoated or judged by anyone that I love anymore.
I will not accept your projections. I am sorry you are feeling unfulfilled.
I am here for you if you want to talk about the real issues at hand, but I will not respond to skewed presentations of a 35 year friendship.
I know I am not perfect. No one is, but I have been a friend. I have been juggling my life and all its stuff, and you have been juggling yours.
I will write this letter, and that is all.
I love you, and I hope you find joy in life. I am working on it. I will help you by being a friend if you want to own your stuff and not judge mine. I have offered that to you.
I feel good, and I will continue to send you only the best love and energy, but unfortunately I am not available to take part in scapegoating or projection to help you work through whatever you feel.
I sent the email off, and I felt great!!
I don't know what it was, but I had the phrase playing over and over in my head since then...
"I love you, but not at any cost."
Somehow it took hold. And I have been able to apply this elsewhere, but most importantly, to my relationship to my A.
I used to be afraid to hold my ground. He might leave.
I used to be afraid to disagree. He might binge.
I used to be afraid to uphold boundaries. He might not like it, and I will be alone.
But now, I feel like I dont want his love or presence at any cost. To me or my son.
It is the most freeing concept to me!
I am focusing on that. I have told him about that.
I have made it clear that I am unwilling to edit who I really am, what I really want, what I can or cannot live with so he will be more comfortable.
I have felt free to say what I think. And if he leaves he leaves.
I have less fear. It may sound petty, but it is HUGE!!!
And...I genuinely feel like he responds to it, like my five year old does. Children push boundaries, throw tantrums when you wont budge, but ultimately they end up feeling more safe and secure knowing that you won't flag.
My A seems to be responding a similar way. And if that changes, I am OK with that.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Something similar happened to me back in August, except it was with my niece, not my friend. I did not react *quite* as well as you did... I just cut she and my sister out of my life but without retort or comment. Like you, I didn't feel that I deserved *that* kind of lashing by ANYONE much less a family member.
I'm just writing to let you know I understand the stabbing pain that letter must have brought you but applaud your ability to recover from it, say your piece very eloquently, keep the door open and move on. YOU are da' bomb!!!
Just awesome work! Bravo!
I'm just writing to let you know I understand the stabbing pain that letter must have brought you but applaud your ability to recover from it, say your piece very eloquently, keep the door open and move on. YOU are da' bomb!!!
Just awesome work! Bravo!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
I also think that this letter was a reflection of a dying part of me. It came at a time when I was releasing myself from my own judgement, and like a drowning man who takes one last gasp of air, I saw this as my dying self judgement coming to the surface for one last gasp.
I did not pull it out of the water. The universe is funny. She was reflecting to me judgements that my old self was holding me to, but I will not accept them anymore.
I did not pull it out of the water. The universe is funny. She was reflecting to me judgements that my old self was holding me to, but I will not accept them anymore.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
I'm sorry to hear you were subjected to that, but so glad you saw it for what it was.....her baggage, not yours.
I've had friends who have lashed out at me because they were uncomfortable around me....because I did not share in their lifestyle choices. I would never judge them or even say anything to them, but because I did not conduct my life as they conduct theirs, well......they were judging themselves somehow I guess.
Great work, wonderful growth!!!
Hugs, HG
I've had friends who have lashed out at me because they were uncomfortable around me....because I did not share in their lifestyle choices. I would never judge them or even say anything to them, but because I did not conduct my life as they conduct theirs, well......they were judging themselves somehow I guess.
Great work, wonderful growth!!!
Hugs, HG
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
WOW!!! Good for you!! 
Isn't it great to see the strides we make? Isn't it great to see how far we have come? And isn't it great when our Higher Power/the Universe (sorry if I offend; not sure your beliefs) delivers to us a person we feel safe with, to teach us these lessons and show us who we are and what we're capable of, and gives us the opportunity to practice detaching with love? That happened to me a few years ago and I could not be more grateful.
I am so happy for you Buffalo!
Isn't it great to see the strides we make? Isn't it great to see how far we have come? And isn't it great when our Higher Power/the Universe (sorry if I offend; not sure your beliefs) delivers to us a person we feel safe with, to teach us these lessons and show us who we are and what we're capable of, and gives us the opportunity to practice detaching with love? That happened to me a few years ago and I could not be more grateful.
I am so happy for you Buffalo!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 281
Where was I when this thread started? Thanks to Buffalo referring to this thread on CelticGirls recent thread, I was able to benefit from her amazing revelations and letter to her friend. First of all, your letter was awesome! Secondly, will the 'real' Christian in this equation please stand up, lol...She certainly has been a teacher to you Buffalo and you passed the 'test' I would say, with flying colours! I understand how those around us reflect the beliefs we have about ourselves and the way you see yourself now, differs from what was. So, congratulations on recognising your growth and not accepting her skewed presentation. I believe you are also a teacher to her and maybe she will have learned something from your reply...
Also, I didn't know about your son having a brain tumour. I hope he is doing well... and thanks for this thread
Also, I didn't know about your son having a brain tumour. I hope he is doing well... and thanks for this thread
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
I got a call earlier from my sister, a very drunk and angry sister, who blamed me for everything that has gone wrong in her life. It seems when she rang mum last Thursday, and I answered the phone...she overheard mum ask me "is she sober", and she has since blown up at mum and then me.
It seems my mum's reply did not appease her, so she came gunning for me.
Mum told her that the reason she asked about AS's sobriety was because she had not heard from AS since the birthday lunch, and after copping drunken calls so often in the the past, wanted to be ready for another. Mum then said that she was not accepting any more drunk calls and was hanging up, which she did.
I listened to how my chasing her around the yard with a dead bird, caused all her years of depression, ruined her marriage and made her drink. This is supposed to have happened when she was 7 years old, and I was 9.....that is 57 years ago, and I do not remember any of it happening, nor does mum.
I was not real pleasant or kindly to her in reply, and told her I refused to take her business and life problems on my shoulders, as I only felt responsible for myself. I asked her not to call me again when she was abusive and drunk, and hung up.
Now I feel I may have been hard, but I had only been off the phone a few minutes from my best friend, while we cried together at today's medical prognosis for her daughter. At best she has months, at worst weeks to live, and will be leaving 3 young boys motherless, and it is not even 2 years since her brother hanged himself.
My AS has her own home, wants for nothing materially and is about to become a grandmother next year, and appreciates not a damned thing. Her ex husband paid every bit of the kids education at private schools, took them on holidays and forked out for extras like clothes, parties and whatever....it cost AS nothing. Grateful for that was/is she? like heck she is.
The difference between her life attitude, mum's and my friend's is beyond belief and right this minute I could cheerfully knock her block off.
Wish I could have handled my kick from the past as well as you did Buffalo, and I may be a darn sight calmer than I am now.
Sorry to hijack your thread, but if I hadn't let it out I may have exploded even more.
Right now I could send AS the biggest dead bird available. Grrrrrrrrrr.
It seems my mum's reply did not appease her, so she came gunning for me.
Mum told her that the reason she asked about AS's sobriety was because she had not heard from AS since the birthday lunch, and after copping drunken calls so often in the the past, wanted to be ready for another. Mum then said that she was not accepting any more drunk calls and was hanging up, which she did.
I listened to how my chasing her around the yard with a dead bird, caused all her years of depression, ruined her marriage and made her drink. This is supposed to have happened when she was 7 years old, and I was 9.....that is 57 years ago, and I do not remember any of it happening, nor does mum.
I was not real pleasant or kindly to her in reply, and told her I refused to take her business and life problems on my shoulders, as I only felt responsible for myself. I asked her not to call me again when she was abusive and drunk, and hung up.
Now I feel I may have been hard, but I had only been off the phone a few minutes from my best friend, while we cried together at today's medical prognosis for her daughter. At best she has months, at worst weeks to live, and will be leaving 3 young boys motherless, and it is not even 2 years since her brother hanged himself.
My AS has her own home, wants for nothing materially and is about to become a grandmother next year, and appreciates not a damned thing. Her ex husband paid every bit of the kids education at private schools, took them on holidays and forked out for extras like clothes, parties and whatever....it cost AS nothing. Grateful for that was/is she? like heck she is.
The difference between her life attitude, mum's and my friend's is beyond belief and right this minute I could cheerfully knock her block off.
Wish I could have handled my kick from the past as well as you did Buffalo, and I may be a darn sight calmer than I am now.
Sorry to hijack your thread, but if I hadn't let it out I may have exploded even more.
Right now I could send AS the biggest dead bird available. Grrrrrrrrrr.
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: New England, U.S.
Posts: 169
what a great post! good for you! I am working on the same exact thing and sorry i didn't see this thread earlier. I don't want love an any cost either...but i want to be free to be who i am without the threat of someone else trying to stop me! I'm okay...perfectly imperfect and glad to be!! takes alot of pressure off me!
thanks for this reminder.....what a great response!
thanks for this reminder.....what a great response!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
It was awesome to read this post...
...you rock!
Cyranoak
P.s. I project and scapegoat sometimes-- it's one of my many defects and I use it to take the focus off of me. I'm usually defensive when called on it. If she is, don't take it personally. It may be just one of her things.
Cyranoak
P.s. I project and scapegoat sometimes-- it's one of my many defects and I use it to take the focus off of me. I'm usually defensive when called on it. If she is, don't take it personally. It may be just one of her things.
Originally Posted by Buffalo66 
I found something inside of me that has lead me to be one step further away from fear than ever before. It came to me from an unsuspecting "teacher" who was trying to sort of scapegoat me.
I wanted to share this.
I know that recovery for us F&F is cyclic.
I am experiencing what I think might be a level of detachment!
I wanted to share this.
I know that recovery for us F&F is cyclic.
I am experiencing what I think might be a level of detachment!
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