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Why do I miss him?

Old 11-10-2010, 04:00 AM
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Why do I miss him?

He is in Canada where I was meant to join him to live, but he drinks too much and refuses to keep weed away from the house. He's done coke 4 times in the past week and has done nothing but party and moan that he's bored and hungover and just play video games and get stoned while I go back to work and earn money. WTF is wrong with me that I still miss him so much and still hope that he will tell me he wants to live a better more healthy life? My non-codie friends want to throttle me!
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Old 11-10-2010, 04:21 AM
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Its only natural to miss him.

He couldnt be what you wanted him to be but it doesnt mean your feelings dissapear for him.

I still miss my violent horrible nasty exabf and i am heartbroken that he couldnt change for me or that he didnt think i was worthit to be sober and decent but after so much of his crap i decided that i havent got the power (no one has) to get him sober and or the right to change him in anyway so my only option was to leave him,and now i am taking care of me,but it still hurts.

Just try and focus on yourself and when you start to miss him try and remember how crappy you felt when you were with him, i noticed in the end i was unhappy to be with him and unhappy to be without him but atleast without him you can relax,not come home to a lazy drunk who wont work and as time goes on you will feel better.

Dont be like me and keep going back to be continually dissapointed just because you miss him,we all miss people,but missing someone does fade with time i promise.

Hats of to you for not moving with him,you were strong enough and thought enough of yourself to make that decision,dont go back on it because believe me you will regret it,i know i did.

Stay strong,write down everything that was negative in the relationship and read it everytime you think you miss him and eventually it will get easier.

xx
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Old 11-10-2010, 08:07 AM
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Aww, I think it is normal to miss him. There is nothing wrong with you. You didn't get together with him because he was a complete louse all the time. I had good times, good feelings, good memories of my xah and I miss those. I miss them no matter what. Even if he was sober, and he has been for a few weeks now, I can never go back. Those memories are my past. They can't be relived in my present because there is history (and awareness) now that was not there when those memories were made.

It is sad but I try and keep moving forward - with my eyes wide open and fixed on reality. Your hope is where the danger lies IMO. That is key for me. To remain in the here, the now, the reality. I can't allow myself to live in a dream, or for a dream/hope, or not be 100% honest and truthful about what IS, not what I want.

Make sense? It sound so pessimistic but for me hope needs to be 100% in myself - not him.

A goal is not a plan.
Hope is not a strategy.
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Old 11-10-2010, 08:46 AM
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Originally Posted by Thumper View Post
Hope is not a strategy.
I need the above on post its all over my house.
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Old 11-10-2010, 08:50 AM
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Originally Posted by brokenheartfool View Post
I need the above on post its all over my house.
I know! I have it posted at work and at home in a couple different places
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Old 11-10-2010, 09:10 AM
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When my A was very terribly involved with drinking/using, we would have many bad times, and occassionally there would be a magically nice time.

I would become glamoured by that, because the good stuff was so elusive, I would feel its intensity more deeply.

It can be a trick of the mind. Just try to keep yourself clear of glamourizing what is/was really happenening between you.

You can love him, but at what cost?

Maybe you can love him from over here, while he is over there, doing whatever it is that he does.
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Old 11-11-2010, 01:37 AM
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I have taken "a goal is not a plan, hope is not a strategy" and put is in my FB profile under my profile picture. That's amazing thank you so much for the advice and empathy guys xxx
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Old 11-11-2010, 01:21 PM
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Originally Posted by Buffalo66 View Post
When my A was very terribly involved with drinking/using, we would have many bad times, and occassionally there would be a magically nice time.

I would become glamoured by that, because the good stuff was so elusive, I would feel its intensity more deeply.

It can be a trick of the mind. Just try to keep yourself clear of glamourizing what is/was really happenening between you.

You can love him, but at what cost?

Maybe you can love him from over here, while he is over there, doing whatever it is that he does.

Wow! That was so me. I worked and tried and took it because I believed that there was something there inside my ex, something that I could fix and make whole again. A potential. And I am sure that it is there inside her still. I think we each have a potential.

We have since parted ways and those moments, those sparks, where it worked and there was honest love, those are the hardest still to get over.
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Old 11-11-2010, 02:19 PM
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It is really really really hard to let go of a fantasy. Hard to accept that things never were what you thought they were. Just keep focusing on the reality of his life and how things would be if you were with him there now at this moment and this moment only.
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Old 11-11-2010, 02:41 PM
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Originally Posted by Babyblue View Post
It is really really really hard to let go of a fantasy.
boy ole boy! do i ever get that line!! but i move on and thank god that i can, and do move forward..i dont know what my higher power has in store for me..but I am sure I AM WORTH IT and the WAIT...lol
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Old 11-11-2010, 03:15 PM
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Hello Cute Bunny

He's done coke 4 times in the past week and has done nothing but party and moan that he's bored and hungover and just play video games and get stoned while I go back to work and earn money. WTF is wrong with me that I still miss him so much and still hope that he will tell me he wants to live a better more healthy life?
Unresolved childhood conflict?
Abandonment issues?
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Old 11-11-2010, 03:27 PM
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When I first got into Recovery and got away from the alcoholic addict, after a while it began to dawn on me that I was in love with a picture of him I had created in my heart. An ideal. A person he never really was and never could be. Eventually, as I accepted more and more of reality, the feelings of missing him and the hurt in my heart were replaced with something else.
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Old 11-11-2010, 03:47 PM
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"I believed that there was something there inside my ex, something that I could fix and make whole again. A potential."

I believe that it is OUR OWN potential and well-being we are supposed to focus on but somehow our wires get crossed and we devote the time, attention and energy meant for us, to someone else. I try to remain aware of how much of my energy I give away and hpw much I devote to me, and I strive to ensure I get enough.
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