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Has anyone else experienced this?

Old 11-09-2010, 04:18 PM
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Has anyone else experienced this?

I recently ended my relationship with my Alcoholic boyfriend of 4.5 years. I'm still trying to come to terms with everything that happened. He had started drinking more towards the end of his 15 year marriage, she left and then I came along about two years later. And throughout our relationship, the drinking gradually got worse.

At the end of the relationship, our s*x life was pretty mechanical. I kept telling him that something needed to change. He kept insisting that it was how we always were. It's like he wasn't there in mind, spirit or anything. He became extremely lazy. He expected to just lay there and me do all the work. This is not the person I knew. I really don't think this was just withdrawing from the relationship. The night I left him, he was curled up in the fetal position in his bed...upset that I did not want to have s*x with him. Of course he was drunk...we hadn't had sober s*x in years. His body of course had more weight on it from never giving it a break from all the calories. He has a football player build. But this last year of our relationship, his pecks had become small man-b**bs which I read can happen to an alcoholic. On top of his reactions, behavior and emotional abuse and the things going on with his body...I certainly was not turned on anymore. I felt terrible about that and confused, but I just wasn't interested anymore.

I felt like his spirit was just "not there" in general anymore. Not just the bedroom. But altogether.

We used to do social sports or go out and do things. He used to golf at least...I don't think he golfed once in the last year. Our evenings had become getting home by 6 so that he could sit on the couch and pass out by 7. My friday nights were spent watching tv by myself while he passed out. And the weekends were worse...he wanted to start drinking by 11 and pass out by 4 or 5 to wake up and drink some more.

One person posted a description of her "dry drunk" husband on here. My ex has the exact same personality traits.

Is that pretty typical of an alcoholic as the disease progresses? Would anyone care to share their bedroom stories?

I have found this entire experience confusing.
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Old 11-09-2010, 05:11 PM
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Don't be confused...

...he's an alcoholic. End of story. You can't be surprised or confused that he replicated his behavior with his wife with you? He'll likely do it again with the next gal unless he finds recovery.

To your sex question, I found it impossible to be attracted to a drunk. My wife would question my manhood, call me fat (irony alert!), and imply the problem was with me. Anything to take the focus off of her. The idea that I was simply not attracted to her drunk and when I was angry and stressed all the time, couldn't make it through her soaking brain. When I was younger it had a mind of it's own, but in my 40's it's connected to my brain.

After her prolonged sobriety I am attracted to her again. Funny, everything works fine now. Hmmm.

Cyranoak

P.s. What's wrong with man boobs? You try being a 40-something ex-athlete and see what happens to your pecs. Oh, wait...



Originally Posted by goldengirl3 View Post
I recently ended my relationship with my Alcoholic boyfriend of 4.5 years. I'm still trying to come to terms with everything that happened. He had started drinking more towards the end of his 15 year marriage, she left and then I came along about two years later. And throughout our relationship, the drinking gradually got worse.

At the end of the relationship, our s*x life was pretty mechanical. I kept telling him that something needed to change. He kept insisting that it was how we always were. It's like he wasn't there in mind, spirit or anything. He became extremely lazy. He expected to just lay there and me do all the work. This is not the person I knew. I really don't think this was just withdrawing from the relationship. The night I left him, he was curled up in the fetal position in his bed...upset that I did not want to have s*x with him. Of course he was drunk...we hadn't had sober s*x in years. His body of course had more weight on it from never giving it a break from all the calories. He has a football player build. But this last year of our relationship, his pecks had become small man-b**bs which I read can happen to an alcoholic. On top of his reactions, behavior and emotional abuse and the things going on with his body...I certainly was not turned on anymore. I felt terrible about that and confused, but I just wasn't interested anymore.

I felt like his spirit was just "not there" in general anymore. Not just the bedroom. But altogether.

We used to do social sports or go out and do things. He used to golf at least...I don't think he golfed once in the last year. Our evenings had become getting home by 6 so that he could sit on the couch and pass out by 7. My friday nights were spent watching tv by myself while he passed out. And the weekends were worse...he wanted to start drinking by 11 and pass out by 4 or 5 to wake up and drink some more.

One person posted a description of her "dry drunk" husband on here. My ex has the exact same personality traits.

Is that pretty typical of an alcoholic as the disease progresses? Would anyone care to share their bedroom stories?

I have found this entire experience confusing.
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Old 11-09-2010, 05:17 PM
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Bleh. Mine would fondle himself wherever he was in his drunken and drugged stupor. Nevermind there were kids in the house.

Yet - if I rebuffed his advances (not that there were many) he'd kick his way out of the bed.

Was I aroused after all that? Not hardly.
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Old 11-09-2010, 05:41 PM
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I catch myself blaming my problems and difficulties on my BF about once a week. And I'm not even drunk. Thankfully I do not do this out loud and when I catch myself thinking this way, I quickly correct my thinking. I hope someday practicing this self-correction will "fix" this problem I have.

Goldengirl, I began my recovery from alcoholism and codependency about 13 years ago and I am JUST becoming aware of this about myself. Please don't take it personally that he blames you for his shortcomings. It really has nothing to do with you. The more you learn about this disease, the less confused you will become.
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Old 11-09-2010, 05:43 PM
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P.s. What's wrong with man boobs? You try being a 40-something ex-athlete and see what happens to your pecs. Oh, wait...
Not a problem at all...except that I was being called fat when I'm a size two and I never said a word about the man b**bs. Like I said, he was an abuser. Sometimes it would just be nice if these types would take a good look in the mirror when they say things like that to someone else.
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Old 11-09-2010, 05:56 PM
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"Sometimes it would just be nice if these types would take a good look in the mirror when they say things like that to someone else."

Do you know the serenity prayer? It is at the bottom of my posts. It has taught me that I am responsible for removing MYSELF from abusive and toxic situations. I used to be hurt, confused and disappointed, and cry, complain, and become dramatic in response to the abuse of others. Even as recently as last year, and even in work relationships. Now I know that if I do not want abuse and ill treatment to continue, I have to make my self responsible for making that happen.
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Old 11-09-2010, 05:57 PM
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Yeah, if he said that to me, I'm just mean enough to reply...have you looked in the mirror lately???
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Old 11-09-2010, 10:00 PM
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just trying to be funny...

...and self depricating. Didn't work. If he thinks size two is fat you're either 3 feet tall or he's a little confused.

Originally Posted by goldengirl3 View Post
Not a problem at all...except that I was being called fat when I'm a size two and I never said a word about the man b**bs. Like I said, he was an abuser. Sometimes it would just be nice if these types would take a good look in the mirror when they say things like that to someone else.
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Old 11-10-2010, 04:31 AM
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...and self depricating. Didn't work. If he thinks size two is fat you're either 3 feet tall or he's a little confused.
It was one of many things he said. He called me c*, sl*t, fat, wash that p*ssy...can't remember the rest. Guess I'm already blocking it out. They were all "jokes" that I needed to learn to take.
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Old 11-10-2010, 04:38 AM
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Do you know the serenity prayer? It is at the bottom of my posts. It has taught me that I am responsible for removing MYSELF from abusive and toxic situations. I used to be hurt, confused and disappointed, and cry, complain, and become dramatic in response to the abuse of others. Even as recently as last year, and even in work relationships. Now I know that if I do not want abuse and ill treatment to continue, I have to make my self responsible for making that happen.
Learn2Live - I know that you are trying to help. But please be kind to people who have been abused. Sometimes it's not as simple as "make myself responsible" and "stop complaining." I go to a really good counselor now who is helping me - my mother was and still is an abusive b*. She brought strange men in the house and I got to listen to ALL of them if you know what I mean, two were even from prison. She was never home unless she was screwing someone. She told me she hated me my whole childhood, wished I was a boy, that I was jealous of her...I couldn't even help you get that picture or begin to list all the horrible things she did and said. I can honestly say that I do not have a memory of one good day with her. And I was a very quiet scared child...not in trouble or doing bad things. When you have someone beat you down for 18 years, you believe you are worth nothing. Well my mom thought I was crap, why wouldn't this guy? Maybe I really am crap. All my growing up, I always thought all I had to worry about, was not be like her and my relationships would be okay.

What I didn't know...is that instead I was going to date her. Yippee, lol.
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Old 11-10-2010, 05:47 AM
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I was not talking about you goldengirl, I was talking about me and sharing with you about my recovery. I was being kind. I am sorry that you cannot see that yet.

I am sorry all these things happened to you. The longer you stay around here the more you will see you are not alone. My childhood was also a horrible one. Counseling, AlAnon and SR have all helped me.
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Old 11-10-2010, 05:56 AM
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Goldengirl, I understand the type of childhood you had and how it continues to affect you now. I'm almost 40 and I've repeated the nightmare of my childhood into adulthood. That's great you've found a good, supportive counsellor. And you're right, when you grow up with abuse, it's not so easy to change patterns that have been programmed into your brain, into your psyche. I'm just so happy for you that you're starting the healing process young (I'm guessing you're young?). Now, because I've reached my rock bottom and because I thought I'd done so much healing on myself (but was in likelihood, just suppressing the pain even more and distracting myself with partners like my parents), I'm going back to basics. I need to learn how to love and accept myself and re-parent myself because I didn't get any love as a child, no affection, no kind words ever. Only verbal and physical bashings. All the best to you Golden in your healing process...you're worth it and worthy of love and respect.
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Old 11-10-2010, 10:06 AM
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Name callling is a deal-breaker for me...

When he started doing that he crossed the line in my opinion. I'm going to break one of my rules and say this: move on-- never look back.

This is one of the few areas where I actually stood my ground early with my wife. She knew I wasn't kidding, she knew there would be a severe consequence, and she stopped. I should have learned from it. I didn't.

I agree they are never "jokes." I hate that sh**.


Originally Posted by goldengirl3 View Post
It was one of many things he said. He called me c*, sl*t, fat, wash that p*ssy...can't remember the rest. Guess I'm already blocking it out. They were all "jokes" that I needed to learn to take.
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Old 11-10-2010, 10:16 AM
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Golden girl - your are not alone. A lot of us here have been on the receiving end of abusive parents and partners. I, like many, have not had the strength to stay away from booze. Please show those who have not been as strong as yourself some compassion. I had been well on the way to recovery - but just the other day gave into the lure of booze. I am on day two again and know the reasons for my lapse. I also know the reasons for my dreadful behaviour. while I do not excuse myself, I can see why I behave as I do. I had a sexually abusive father and a mother who was violent. I love my daughters and my husband and have never (I think) been anything other than quite a good mother/wife - but I have been lucky and others may not have the support I have.

I really wish you well.
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Old 11-10-2010, 10:18 AM
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Originally Posted by goldengirl3 View Post
It was one of many things he said. He called me c*, sl*t, fat, wash that p*ssy...can't remember the rest. Guess I'm already blocking it out. They were all "jokes" that I needed to learn to take.
My EXAH said the same things. It was ugly.
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Old 11-11-2010, 04:03 PM
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I, like many, have not had the strength to stay away from booze. Please show those who have not been as strong as yourself some compassion.
This is to Franie's comment - I'm not really sure how I have not shown compassion to others. Actually - I am a recovering alcoholic. Surprise! So badly that last year I had alcoholic hepatitis. ;0

To answer another person...I'm 31 years old. Not so "young" anymore but getting older, bluh, lol.

I have to say, these forums are great because it makes it easy to find some support. But at the same time they are frustrating. People come to these forums, make assumptions about others without getting more information from a few paragraphs and give advice.

I also find the codependant word being thrown at people so much very disturbing in the forums. People come on here posting topics to discuss ...sometimes they seem codependant and sometimes it seems that they just want a discussion or sometimes they just seem in great pain. But still, people will post things throwing the "You're being codependant" accusation. Isn't that codependancy in itself right there? Why don't these same people "focus on themselves?" lol. Just a thought.... (by the way that was not towards fannie or anyone in this forum. Just something I noticed on the site)
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Old 11-11-2010, 04:11 PM
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And franie - I feel your pain. Everyday I think of getting drunk. I'm a binge drinker. I drank to get drunk - and to pass out. There was a period of a few years that I was not sober one single day. Not even on a holiday visiting a family member. I had tried to quit a few times with no luck. I would find myself suddenly doing it everyday again and "going off a cliff" as I called it. "finishing myself off" was another phrase I used. I feel better this time around than I ever have. I may fall again on the way but I'm confident I'll be okay and will come out ahead. I'm not going to let my ex or my self-destruction tear me down.

I'm sorry to hear about your slip. I know it's tough.
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