It's Crazy-Wish DDH Would Start Drinking

Old 11-08-2010, 01:08 AM
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It's Crazy-Wish DDH Would Start Drinking

I know it sounds crazy, but sometimes I wish my dry drunk husband was still actively drinking. His actions and how he speaks to me are the same as when he was still actively drinking. For the majority of our 40 year marriage he actively drank over more than half a gallon of rum each and every night. When he finally quit he went cold turkey without working all the steps in AA. Our marriage has always been about him! His common reponse to decisions we needed to make was "What about me (him)!"

I suffered a life changing massive stroke in DEC 2009. From DEC 23rd until JAN 8th I suffered from vascular dementia. When I came back into reality I was filled with rage, anger and resentment towards those 40 years. As a result of the massive stroke I suffer from short term memory recall and immobility problems. After another two weeks in a rehab hospital I was discharged to my house. This was one of my worst decisions of my life. My DDH just refused to be there when I really needed him and had begged him for his help! Forget about the marriage vows "in sickness and in health." The only way I got any attention from him was by me calling his psychriatrist and telling him that my DDH basically wasn't functioning at the house.

I guess the psychriatrist finally made some sense to my DDH. He came home from his doctor's appointment at least willing to do somethings. However, by this time I felt like it was a day short, and a dollar short. I have told him I now only what two things from him: get a physical; and to go into individual therapy. Yep, once again he wanted to know what was in it for him!

All the professionals I have talked with all say the same thing about my situation......that I need to leave.

However, if he was actively drinking there would be no doubts in my mind that leaving is the correct answer. What were your last straw that broke the camel's back that made you sure leaving was the correct answer?
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Old 11-08-2010, 05:03 AM
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The 3 A's of recovery:


Acceptance had to tip the scale before I could make the decision to leave.

I had to accept that I could not change, control or cure the behaviors of my partner.

I wanted to be treated with respect and as an equal partner in life by my spouse. I was not being treated with respect or as an equal partner.
I wanted openness and honesty from my life partner. I was being lied to and manipulated.

I wanted a better life for myself and my children. I chose to leave my marriage in search of a better life.
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Old 11-08-2010, 05:24 AM
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How could leaving be the wrong answer, in your case?

From what you've related here, he has never been supportive of you. He is an untreated alcoholic.

What are you getting out of the relationship other than financial stability maybe?
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Old 11-08-2010, 06:49 AM
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In my case (and it sounds like yours, too) it wasn't about the drinking. Oh, I thought it was. I thought if he would only stop drinking then our life together would be good. I was wrong. Turns out, it was about the behavior, drinking or not. You don't have to stay with someone who treats you badly just because he isn't drinking.

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Old 11-08-2010, 06:59 AM
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Drinking is not the only reason to leave a marraige. How about being treated well, supported, loved in a healthy way. If these things are not happening, that's plenty of reason to go.You have something in your head that is telling you x,y, and z have to happen for me to leave.Not can leave because you no longer want this life.
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Old 11-08-2010, 08:20 AM
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I left because my life depended on it.

I was drained physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
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Old 11-08-2010, 09:37 AM
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I know how you feel. I worried that since I had made a big deal out of his drinking, then when he would stop drinking, and his behavior was the same, where did that leave me? So sometimes I caught myself hoping that he would just keep on , keepin' on, so that I wouldn't have to explain to him why it still wasn't enough. Why his nasty, abusive behavior was still unacceptable to me and the kids.
I can understand why you feel immobile. Mine made it easy on me, and left. Talk about relief!
You deserve so much more than what he is dishing out. I hope you can find the courage to do what makes you happy and healthy. H
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Old 11-08-2010, 05:19 PM
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I have a freind who was married to an alcoholic.she threatened to leave, he stopped drinking.A few months down the road she said it dawned on her.."ohhh I just don't LIKE you" it happens..
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Old 11-08-2010, 08:47 PM
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I really appreciate all your responses! I feel like a darn fool having spent most of my life with this pathetic person. Someone here on SR has a saying something like "I give out good advice, but I seldom follow it". That is me! I posted the following on someone else's thread, now I just need to follow my own advice. "I think you already know that "You don't have a problem. You have a solution you don't like." Why the heck are you still with this crazy alcoholic? And don't tell me because you love her! She obviously doesn't love herself, so what fantasia you are in love with is NOT reality. Our minds and emotions are powerful manipulaters. I think you already know what you MUST DO! Don't procasinate thinking things will be getting better. You must separate your emotions from your logic."

I am in the process of "Dividing and Conqueroring"! I would have posted sooner today but I went to my optometrist this afternoon. I allowed my driver's license to expire. Sometime back I tried to get it back but failed the eye exam. I explained this to my optometrist and with his assistnce I will get it back. So I just spent $300 on a new pair of glasses.

I am reflecting on the body of experience and care from which your posts were written.
Thanks for your support as I make this difficult decision.

******************************************** *****************
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Old 11-09-2010, 08:00 AM
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SOunds like your own advice is pretty good!
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Old 11-09-2010, 10:47 AM
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Originally Posted by acdirito View Post
So I just spent $300 on a new pair of glasses.

Nothing wrong with doing whatever it takes to see clearly....
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Old 11-09-2010, 11:08 AM
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"He's a great guy, as long as he isn't drinking" NOT

Cognitive dissonance is a psychological phenomenon which refers to the discomfort felt at a discrepancy between what you already know or believe, and new information or interpretation. It therefore occurs when there is a need to accommodate new ideas, and it may be necessary for it to develop so that we become "open" to them.

Neighbour (1992) makes the generation of appropriate dissonance into a major feature of tutorial (and other) teaching: he shows how to drive this kind of intellectual wedge between learners' current beliefs and "reality".

Beyond this benign if uncomfortable aspect, however, dissonance can go "over the top", leading to two interesting side-effects for learning:

* if someone is called upon to learn something which contradicts what they already think they know — particularly if they are committed to that prior knowledge — they are likely to resist the new learning. Even Carl Rogers recognised this. Accommodation is more difficult than Assimilation, in Piaget's terms.
* and—counter-intuitively, perhaps—if learning something has been difficult, uncomfortable, or even humiliating enough, people are less likely to concede that the content of what has been learned is useless, pointless or valueless. To do so would be to admit that one has been "had", or "conned".
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