When the alcoholic blames you for all his problems
 

I recently left my boyfriend of over 4.5 years. He was a hardcore alcoholic who was progressively getting worse during our relationship. He had been married for 15 years and his wife left him angrily the day before valentine's day - his drinking being one of many factors for her leaving.

He has a little clique of friends - two other couples that are also heavy drinkers. One couple smokes a lot of pot regularly on top of drinking. The other couple has recently started having children. Although they have a 2-year-old, they continue to want to get drunk every weekend (with us when I was dating him) and the wife was pregnant and drinking wine EVERY day. And she was talking a lot about how she couldn't wait to get back to drinking once the baby was born. (drinking to get drunk she meant I think.)

From the beginning his little clique never really liked me. My personality tends to be more upbeat, postitive, etc. They always seemed so negative and drama-ridden to me. He only told me this last year, that "the friends" was another factor in his ex-wife leaving. That should be comforting to me that his friends not liking me shouldn't matter, but it's not.

In our relationship, I got the impression that the friends blamed me for a lot/most of our problems. If my bf was unhappy and drunk, that was my fault. Little did they know how abusive he was to me behind closed doors. During this time I drank a lot myself and I got sober and decided to get out. I'm working a lot on myself now and trying to stay away from that kind of lifestyle and find new interests and friends.

But what bothers me and hurts, is that my ex has always blamed me for a ton of his problems that were HIS problems or things that HE caused. Such as this year he started having money troubles and was trying to blame his money issues on me. Little does anyone know that he had been admittedly manipulating me for money to help him cover his expenses and had been screaming at me to bring him my bank statements. He would manipulate me into picking up 100 dollar dinner/drink checks while he would take out guy friends for drinks and pick up their check. He would pick fights with me constantly and even if I didn't react and just stared ahead, he would mouth off to me and tell me he was "soooo tired of fighting with me." He would call me lots of derogatory names used for females and "fat" when I'm a size 2. Let's just say there was tons of emotional abuse. He was ultra controlling. I had no say in our plans together, I couldn't even watch a tv show. He would also dictate what we ate every night and where we ate - even if I was buying!

Now that it's all over, in hindsight I think he was throwing me under the bus a lot and blaming me for his problems to his friends which could further explain why it seemed like they never really liked me. (on top of being that we were just different kinds of people) Has anyone else been through this? How do you get over it?

It shouldn't matter what these people think. I'm not friends with them now and I don't have to see them or anything and they are just drunk all the time - I shouldn't care what they think. But it really hurts.

Has anyone else ever been through this and could share how they felt better about it?

they are good CON men aren't they?? i just wrote a thread on "you need help" which was shoved in my face....I did, and he could not stand it..HE LEFT...so be it...points at me, but always 3fingers pointing back at himself...I dont care now what he does with his life...because its HIS LIFE...no more BS and choas for me and my children...AL ANON helped me alot to learn these tools (especially no contact of DETACHING..with love) and the best are the SLOGANs...go into my blogs and read them...they are so cool and good to refresh ever so once in awhile...just remember

3c's
you did not cause it
you can not control it
and you can not cure it..

if you remember these, it puts things into place, please, even though you are not with him anymore go to AL ANON ...it makes us strong and have so much courage that we did not know we had...self esteem does alot to us with the alkies...and i would be the 1st to admit that....step 1 is...i am powerless over alcohol...

please read and educate yourself...its all good to know, and ask for help...dont be shy...we have been there in one way or another...

You wrote "Now that it's all over, in hindsight I think he was throwing me under the bus a lot and blaming me for his problems to his friends which could further explain why it seemed like they never really liked me. (on top of being that we were just different kinds of people) Has anyone else been through this? How do you get over it?"

I really cannot help you get through this or give you advice on how to get over it. However, I have been through something very similar. It happened during my dating and subsequent marriage to my alcoholic husband. I look back at this period of time and just wish I had the knowledge and wisedom that only maturing to be 58 years old can give a person.

My AH's best friend was an abusive alcoholic to both his wife and to his newborn and his three year old son. I saw his wife with too many black eyes and broken ribs, his three year old son standing too close to a gas grill, and the newborn given Tabasco sauce and, evidentally, thrown against a wall. I witnessed these things and remained silent because of the "code of friendship". Finally the last straw that broke this unhealthy friendship came when this alcoholic friend started beating his wife up in my house. My AH's father was visiting with us from out of state.

You wrote "He has a little clique of friends - two other couples that are also heavy drinkers. One couple smokes a lot of pot regularly on top of drinking. The other couple has recently started having children. Although they have a 2-year-old, they continue to want to get drunk every weekend (with us when I was dating him) and the wife was pregnant and drinking wine EVERY day. And she was talking a lot about how she couldn't wait to get back to drinking once the baby was born. (drinking to get drunk she meant I think.)"

Only you have the power to realize these friends are not healthy individuals. Only you can realize the dangers for the children of these "parents".

You wrote "I'm working a lot on myself now and trying to stay away from that kind of lifestyle and find new interests and friends." May you have the hindsight to know where you've been, The foresight to know where you are going, And the insight to know when you have gone too far.

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The active alcoholic always throws someone else under the bus.

It's called denial.

When I was active in my alcoholism, I could give you 1,000 reasons why my life sucked, and it had nothing to do with me. It was everyone else in my life.

Blameshifting and manipulation is the name of their game, a game you can keep playing over and over again with unhappy results.

They blame you because they could never, ever blame the bottle. That is their first love.

I was told something once by someone in AA: "Your life revolves around alcohol as much as his and you dont even drink. You carry his load, his issues, his problems and take the blame for the downfall. You try to solve the issues more than he does and when you cant fix it, you feel like a failure. You even go out with him and his friends, in an alcohol setting, knowing you dont fit in and feel uncomfortable. Alcohol is the center of your life, just like it is his".

That was chilling to me and to be honest and turning point. It was true. Alcohol dominated everything not only in his life, but mine by me carrying this around on my shoulders, wanting to be miss problem solver.

When I quit carrying the load/issues/blame from an A and his family and friends, life became quit peaceful and sweet.

The blame game is a game I learned the hard way that I will never win so I took my dog out of that fight-and I havent looked back.

Just be thankful you are out of that situation and can now turn your attention to what is best for YOU!

Ugh you have no idea! I remember the last time I saw them, it was one of them's birthday. I had told myself, "I cannot spend one more day with these people." And I didn't. I just knew that was my breaking point. I could not have dragged myself to spend one more evening no matter how short with them.

And of course, I don't miss the abuse and always being expected to be all about him and being blamed for things. Now I get to watch MY tv shows, eat what I choose, not have to pick up 100 checks, not always have to do what someone else wants to do 7 days a week...I'm free! lol.

Not to not admit that I don't miss what the relationship once was...but I'm just relieved. Ugh.

Yes, I hope you will move in better circles...you won't even know what that crowd is doing or thinks.

You deserve better than all that.

I live in a large metropolitan city in an isolated little alcove of town.
My A drank in the party neighborhood. We had some mutual friends.
I was very well known for my career in the public eye, he was well known for his social drinking persona.
I would go to lunch with him in the day on that part of town, and I would get the most awful looks from people. It was years before I was able to piece it all together, and realize that, since I was at home with our son, he was able to use me in a multi-purpose scapegoat type of role.
It used to eat me alive. I would actually sit and ruminate and obsess, sometimes calling or texting him for hours demanding to have all the nonsense be made logical to me.

I stopped doing that.
I have no control over what anybody says, thinks, or does, unless it is me or my minor child.
I cannot make sense of years of stories and skewed perceptions and things that were misrepresented because it is crazy, and trying to make sense of it or sort it outmis crazy making.
I have found that some of the stuff I used to fret over was all in his presentation, or his drunken glassy eyed perception... For instance, I always assumed that one particular group of three friends who I used to be really tight with had taken his side, had hid things from me, had believed his lies. I began to ACT like an isolated person, being cold, maybe coming off a little suspicious. They do that to you...the bad As.

One day, after I had stopped going out and it had been some time, I ran into one of those friends at the grocery.

He asked how I was, and he asked if my A was still in my life. I said I had made some clear choices to change my life. I said I had shut him off, no contact. I said I was there for him when he wanted to get real and pursue health. I said it with strength, and readied myself for a barrage of back sassing over defense of the beloved A.

But, instead, he said,
"thank God. Good for you. He is so fun, but he is self destructing. I am glad you got out of it for now. He is impossible to deal with an any real level. I cant even imagine having a kid with him. We all had hoped that you kind of moved on somehow...You never know whether what he says is the truth or what, ya know..."

This person was just one of many who, over the years have panned out to be completely aware of what went on. They just assumed that I knew too, and that I was making the CHOICE to deal with it.

Its been a revelation..but there are still die hards, deep drinking pals, enablers. Standby go to bar sl**s. These ones make them selves obvious, and they have disappeared now that he is trying to be healthy. I do not care what they think. I know that life has a way of dishing what people need to balance their views and actions.
Maybe one day one of them will say, "Oh, wow...I wonder if this what --- was going through with him."

Maybe not. I am not holding my breath, but. I just have the mantra: If something creeps in there and tries to hijack my peace of mind, I just say ,"I have no control over that, what they think, do, or say." It kind of just takes the hot air out of the whole thing. Not your problem.

My ABF tried to blame everything from the weather to global warming to the recession on me. When one thing didn't work, he tried another thing and another, and another, and on and on and on until he ran out of things blame on me and I ran out of patience.

In the beginning (pre-Al-Anon) I bought into his stuff but no more. Now, whenever he goes into attack mode, I let him be.

After all, I didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it therefore, can't be blamed for his lot in life.

A lot of detachment plus a touch of anger and reading my journals about things past helps keep me motivated to steer clear of his insanity.

I think all alcoholics blame others for their problems.

What helped me was detachment and really really taking each incident/issue/person/feeling and paying attention to whose problem it was. This did not come naturally to me and when I began to look at others, I marvelled at their ability to make those decisions so quickly. I was quite amazed to discover that most of the things I aganoized over weren't really even my problems. It was much easier to let them go when I recognized they weren't mine.

I spent so much time trying to control my environment (my world) that the thing I really had control over (my life and actions) was spinning like a tornado. Small steps to control that tornado gave me lots of momentum to continue to focus on what was mine, and what was not.

I still have to be fairly methodical about figuring it out but it is much easier to believe my own determination. I don't second guess myself half as much and I go through the steps of figuring it out sooner, rather then later.

Yes, they are CON men or women. I've been married to my alcoholic spouse for 30 years. I stayed too long and he was cruel and convincing that I was the cause of everything. Through good counseling I now know that's the usual for alcoholics. He dumped me for his best friend, the bottle. I have since moved out and it's almost been a year. I still feel the guilt, shame and all that he put in my head, or I ALLOWED him to do. Thank God I moved and am out of the stress and cruelty. I'm slowly coming around. It's going to take a while. Thanks for posting. It helps validate what I have been through.

O lordy yes! It is just manipulation and denial. You have to come to a mental point that you see this as part of their issue, because it is. Once I realized that it would NEVER change, no matter who my XAH is with or anything else, I was ok. Frustrated, but ok.

They are unable to accept they cause their own problems in their lives. It is a chronic issue with alcoholics. I am not sure which comes first, the chicken or the egg. Are they manipulators before they become alcoholics ( my answer is usually yes ) or after. Either way, it does not matter, that is what they have become.

Stay upbeat and move on with your life dear girl. You deserve more. Keep your cup always half full, not half empty and keep moving forward!

Sometimes it crosses my mind to wonder who he's blaming now that I'm gone and he's alone. The cats maybe. Certainly not himself.
It's nothing but crazymaking. Denial. Blame shifting. Projection. Active alcoholics are able to take it to epic and ridiculous levels.
@Linkmeister- lol. Global warming AND the economy. Where do you find the time?

When the Sh!t hits the fan they will blame you for being born.
I say it often on here, alcoholism is not personal. Accountability for their lives adds up to admittance of alcoholism. He ain't there. So you are the target.

Realization of that is how I got over blame shifting.

This thread is years old...

Some things just never change. I didn't even notice till you pointed it out.

LOL...me either!

Me either!