There ought to be D 101 with an A spouse

Old 11-07-2010, 01:46 PM
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There ought to be D 101 with an A spouse

There ought to be a sticky on how to divorce an A spouse. I did not originally want this but it is evident that we can not work things out. He filed for an uncontested D but forgot that we have marital property in common that has to be identified on the paperwork and designated to whom it goes. He is refusing to do this and has been verbally abusive and threatening not to go through with the D. It has been a roller coaster for me. He will not talk to me - he will rant, curse, and threaten and then hang up... or send a nasty email. I cannot believe that after 10 months of NC this is how he behaves.

He is the one who has been asking for a D and has filed but the final papers will not be signed unless he changes them. He seems to be ok with this... the loss of expenses to file etc and now he wants to give up?... it is driving me nuts! I have managed to remain calm until today when I just want to scream! I don't get it.

How do you gain cooperation from an A? I know that is an oxymoron but just putting it out there.
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Old 11-07-2010, 01:50 PM
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No idea Kassie.

My EXAH managed to get a divorce and I never signed a thing. Figure that one out.
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Old 11-07-2010, 02:55 PM
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^^really? ya explain that one for me? signed your signature?
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Old 11-07-2010, 03:20 PM
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This is where an attorney will benefit you.

He's not going to cooperate. That is obvious.
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Old 11-07-2010, 03:28 PM
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Originally Posted by fourmaggie View Post
^^really? ya explain that one for me? signed your signature?
I don't think so. He stated that I deserted the marriage. And apparently they agreed....and I guess you don't need to actually sign anything in that case?

I honestly don't know maggie.
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Old 11-08-2010, 06:15 AM
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Kassie...I probably cannot be much help, but you and I are in similar situations. My STBXRAH left (because I demanded him to) in January. He will not cooperate AT ALL. We have no children together (our second marriage for us both); only marital assets. I am the one who supported him and his family and my son for almost 8 years. Put him through school and he is dragging me through the court system because he wants maintenance. My male friends scratch their collective heads on this one...

Because it was clear he was not going to cooperate, I had to lawyer-up as did he. I think to keep your clarity and sanity-you may consider doing the same. I don't like having to pay for the counsel, however it is the best money spent at this time-so that I don't have to be the one trying to get him to at least respond in a timely fashion.

Hang in there...
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Old 11-08-2010, 11:44 AM
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I think the best approach I have learned, is that I cannot get him to co-operate, in any way at all, that in the end this is his lawyer's job, and that fact will drag this divorce out and make it more expensive for both of us. We can no more have a reasonable grown-up divorce than we could have a reasonable grown-up marriage. If I accept that this is the way it will be, at least I am not stressed about it too.

My stbx spent months refusing to acknowledge lawyers letters etc but has now decided that since he has got his info together finally, I should jump to it and get mine sorted out in double quick order. He variously suggests, agrees to and then withdraws, reverses settlement arrangements. In order to remain sane I take no notice of anything he says, nor will I take as red anything that he agrees until it has been signed and agreed by a judge. He often threatens to do things that he legally cannot do, because he dooesn't understand the process of divorce nor the likely outcomes, I ignore all that too, I let my lawyer communicate with his lawyer, I pay her to negotiate, and that is what she will do.

did this feel like I was pointlessly lining lawyer's pockets when it all could be avoided if he were able to communciate reasonably and remember and understand stuff? yep.

can he communicate reasonably and remember and understand stuff? nope; so money well spent.
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Old 11-08-2010, 04:46 PM
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Well, thank you all for the experiences... he already filed and we are in the 90 day period - my strategy was to repeat myself whenever he contacts me about what needs to be done at that time.

He was reasonable at first, but now that there is a change/problem to address he has been all over the place changing his mind from day to day. My strategy was to refrain from any reaction knowing his changeableness.

I really can't afford a lawyer which is why I was leaving it to him - even the do it yourself kind is just as expensive. When it all started I wasn't wanting a D anyway, but the past few weeks of his unreasonable behavior and verbal threats convinces me that I want out. Guess it was dumb to leave it to him... still learning....
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