Blogs


Notices

I just lost it!

Old 11-07-2010, 02:20 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Sheffield, England
Posts: 33
I just lost it!

How stupid am I? After weeks of detachment and (although in the same house) living seperate lives, I just felt so angry and ranted at my ABF for about 20 minutes non-stop. i have been so calm recently and will do anything to aviod confrontation and now this - I just wanted to hurt him so bad and provoke some sort of reaction from him, make him hurt like I'm hurting. I lashed out, threw cold water on him (what's that about??) and really, truly wanted to see him suffer. I just don't know where all the anger suddenly came from (well probably from years and years of living with the lies, broken promises, yadda yadda yadda) I am so fed up with it all. Sorry i can't even verbalise how I feel properly.
strawberryfair is offline  
Old 11-07-2010, 02:30 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Curled up in a good book...
 
bookwyrm's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
Nope, not stupid, just human. Remember, progress not perfection. You aren't made out of stone! Forgive yourself and get back into detachment. How long are you willing to live like this though?
bookwyrm is offline  
Old 11-07-2010, 02:53 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Sheffield, England
Posts: 33
Originally Posted by bookwyrm View Post
Nope, not stupid, just human. Remember, progress not perfection. You aren't made out of stone! Forgive yourself and get back into detachment. How long are you willing to live like this though?
Until I can get the means to move out. I've just got a p/t job so that's the first step. been to try and get some support from the council regarding housing etc. but they say they can't help, same with claiming Job Seekers Allowance - because I was self-employed I haven't paid enough National Insurance so they can't pay me anything.

I do need to get out of this situation asap as i know i won't get any better or move forward if i don't.i do however feel like i'm making excuses like 'i can't leave my dog' 'i need to be near my job now' etc. Has anyone else been through this or is it just me being weak?
strawberryfair is offline  
Old 11-07-2010, 03:18 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: San Antonio TX
Posts: 133
Anyone can be pushed to their breaking point. What I understand is you are living with your active alcoholic boyfriend. Living under those situations you must be under a tremendous amount of stress. Sorry I couldn't live any longer with a man that actively drinks around your presence. I think it might be time to start looking for another place for you to move to.

I,too, had a fight with my dry drunk husband today. He wants to be in control of everything. Unfortunately, we share the master bedroom together. He goes to bed every night at 8:00 p.m. That is to early for me, so the night before I was looking for at home jobs on my computer. I came across one that interested me, however, it had a somewhat loud audio and it woke him up. He was upset that I decided to purchase this program without first clearing it through him. We do have a joint account, but half the money I have earned. My dry drunk husband always has to be in control of everything. He is so bad at controlling things that he constantly checks the incoming calls on the phone. He blocks the calls if he doesn't recognize the number. I have told him that I want two things from him: 1.)to get a physical, and 2.)start individual therapy. This morning he took a bubble bath in lieu of his regular shower. I thought that he might have been sick so I mentioned he should get a physical. He might as well have told me, "who am I to tell him what to do". I have reached my breaking point and I think it might be time to start looking for another place for me to move to.

**************************************** **********************

God loves me where I'm at, but He loves me too much to leave me there.
acdirito is offline  
Old 11-07-2010, 04:27 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 234
Strawberry Fair, if this was easy we woudln't need each other.

Lots of us bounce all over the place emotionally - stay, go, good, bad, whatever.

It is a process.
trapeze is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to trapeze For This Useful Post:
craven (11-08-2010)
Old 11-07-2010, 04:37 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Sheffield, England
Posts: 33
Thanks for the replies and support. I am no longer beating myself up for feeling so angry.
Acdirito - ABF secretly drinks around me (or so he thinks). Then sobers up going through the detox, and then drinks agin. the vicious circle, downward spiral (pick a description, any description LOL)
strawberryfair is offline  
Old 11-07-2010, 04:47 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: CA desert
Posts: 1,599
At least it was cold water, and not hot coffee, lol.
firestorm090 is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to firestorm090 For This Useful Post:
Babyblue (11-07-2010), Hollyanne (11-07-2010)
Old 11-07-2010, 04:49 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
To thine own self be true.
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Blog Entries: 5
Strawberry, Can you see though that it has nothing to do with you? That he is doing this to himself? That you are just along for the ride and that it is a ride you really do not like?
Learn2Live is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to Learn2Live For This Useful Post:
SteppingUp (11-08-2010)
Old 11-07-2010, 05:40 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Sheffield, England
Posts: 33
Originally Posted by firestorm090 View Post
At least it was cold water, and not hot coffee, lol.
lol. I was tempted. In fact when he's asleep in one of his drunken stupors I fantasise about smothering him with a pillow. I wouldn't, but I do fantastise, is this normal?
strawberryfair is offline  
Old 11-07-2010, 05:44 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Sheffield, England
Posts: 33
Originally Posted by Learn2Live View Post
Strawberry, Can you see though that it has nothing to do with you? That he is doing this to himself? That you are just along for the ride and that it is a ride you really do not like?
Yes I can see that it has nothing to do with me and no matter what I say or do won't make any difference whatsoever. Sometimes I just lose objectivity and get caught up in it all. Today however, I can once again see it for what it is and get off the roller coaster and back to doing my own thing. Thanks everyone for your input - it really does help to have you guys x
strawberryfair is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to strawberryfair For This Useful Post:
Learn2Live (11-07-2010)
Old 11-07-2010, 06:20 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Being Silent so I can Hear
 
Still Waters's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
I know how it feels to be trapped strawberryfair. I was trapped with my EXAH and left with basically the clothes on my back. Now I'm trapped again without enough money to live on my own in this area. There is no public assistance help for me either.

I don't think you're being weak, it's hard to make decisions when you're living in that crazy situation.
Still Waters is offline  
Old 11-07-2010, 07:47 AM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Sheffield, England
Posts: 33
Thanks Still Waters. Not that I'd want anyone to go through what I'm feeling, but it does help to know that others feel this way and that i can share the experience.
strawberryfair is offline  
Old 11-07-2010, 07:57 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Being Silent so I can Hear
 
Still Waters's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
Yeah, it's not fun at all. I'm looking at rental ads as I type this.

To make matters worse, I have a daughter in high school, who I promised I wouldn't move her school again.
Still Waters is offline  
Old 11-07-2010, 08:50 AM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Sheffield, England
Posts: 33
'I was trapped with my EXAH and left with basically the clothes on my back'

Still Waters do you mind me asking what happened?
strawberryfair is offline  
Old 11-07-2010, 09:07 AM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Being Silent so I can Hear
 
Still Waters's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
I wasn't working, I was staying home taking care of him (he had been very very ill, alcohol related) and renovating the house. His house.

Then one day I couldn't get cash anymore, and he claimed the cards were working fine for him. Then one day my car disappeared (he had been driving it) - and suddenly it needed $700+ to get it out of the shop in an undriveable condition. I didn't have $700. Then one day the doorknob disappeared - and he claimed he was tired of telling me not to lock that lock. I overheard him telling my daughter that he was going to cut off the credit card and the cell phone, threatening her. He emailed me, telling me to get out but my daughter could stay, and that he was going to have me evicted.

Etc.

In the mean time he, in marriage counseling, stated that there was nothing at all wrong with him and that he hadn't a clue what he would discuss with a counselor. OTOH, I had huge issues that needed addressed. You see, it was all me. $26 THOUSAND dollars in an in patient rehab for him and that was the bottom line, he was fine it was all me.

I had no money. The car solely in my name was inoperable. So, I scraped together what money I could - packed what I could in the vehicle I had access to - and my daughter and I fled.

He later found me, and took that vehicle in the middle of the night leaving me stranded. Here where I can't afford to live. lol.

That's my story. Pathetic isn't it?
Still Waters is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Still Waters For This Useful Post:
Learn2Live (11-07-2010), naive (11-08-2010)
Old 11-07-2010, 09:36 AM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 234
Still Waters, I don't remember who said this, but I like it:

When you are going through hell, keep going.
trapeze is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to trapeze For This Useful Post:
naive (11-08-2010)
Old 11-07-2010, 11:26 AM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Sheffield, England
Posts: 33
Thanks for sharing Still Waters. When I read your story I cried for you and for myself.
strawberryfair is offline  
Old 11-07-2010, 01:36 PM
  # 18 (permalink)  
To thine own self be true.
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Blog Entries: 5
Originally Posted by Still Waters View Post
I wasn't working, I was staying home taking care of him (he had been very very ill, alcohol related) and renovating the house. His house.

Then one day I couldn't get cash anymore, and he claimed the cards were working fine for him. Then one day my car disappeared (he had been driving it) - and suddenly it needed $700+ to get it out of the shop in an undriveable condition. I didn't have $700. Then one day the doorknob disappeared - and he claimed he was tired of telling me not to lock that lock. I overheard him telling my daughter that he was going to cut off the credit card and the cell phone, threatening her. He emailed me, telling me to get out but my daughter could stay, and that he was going to have me evicted.

Etc.

In the mean time he, in marriage counseling, stated that there was nothing at all wrong with him and that he hadn't a clue what he would discuss with a counselor. OTOH, I had huge issues that needed addressed. You see, it was all me. $26 THOUSAND dollars in an in patient rehab for him and that was the bottom line, he was fine it was all me.

I had no money. The car solely in my name was inoperable. So, I scraped together what money I could - packed what I could in the vehicle I had access to - and my daughter and I fled.

He later found me, and took that vehicle in the middle of the night leaving me stranded. Here where I can't afford to live. lol.

That's my story. Pathetic isn't it?
I hope it gets better for you soon StillWaters.
Learn2Live is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Learn2Live For This Useful Post:
bookwyrm (11-08-2010), SheCanRun (11-07-2010)
Old 11-08-2010, 06:19 AM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hi strawberry-

i did a bit of research for you regarding not being eligible for jsa due to not paying enough NI contribution. here's what i found:

-----------------------------------------------------------

Contributory JSA
This type of JSA is paid for the first 6 months of unemployment, if you have paid enough National Insurance contributions in the past two tax years before you claim. You cannot get contributions based JSA if you have only been paying NI contributions for self-employment.
It is not affected by your partners earnings, or savings you or your partner may have. Any earnings you get, or payment at the end of a job is likely to affect the amount of benefit you get.

Any occupational or personal pension you receive over 50 a week will be deducted pound for pound from your JSA.

There is no extra amount paid if you have an adult dependant. But, if, for example, you have children or a partner who is not working full time, or a mortgage you may qualify for Child Tax Credit or income based JSA as well.

Income-based JSA
This benefit is paid after 6 months when contributory JSA runs out or immediately if you have not paid enough contributions to qualify for contributory JSA.
When contributory JSA is not enough for you or your family to live on, income based JSA may also be claimed to top up your income. To get income based JSA you must have less than 16,000 savings and you and your partner have an income below a level set by the government. If you have a partner they must not be working more than 24 hours a week.
naive is offline  
Old 11-08-2010, 06:21 AM
  # 20 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
so, it appears to me that you could be eligible for income-based jsa, just not contributory jsa.
naive is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to naive For This Useful Post:
Still Waters (11-08-2010)

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 11:12 PM.