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Need a reality check / What's my motivation?

Old 11-06-2010, 08:55 PM
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Need a reality check / What's my motivation?

OK, I just need a reality check here. I'm traveling in another state for business. I'm in a city where an old (25 years ago) girlfriend lives. She's married and we've kept in touch over the years. She has been a good friend during some tough times in the past.

I feel like I want to call her. Maybe meet for coffee. I'm trying to figure out what my true motivation is here. On the surface, I feel like I want to see an old friend who knew me when I was more confident and comfortable in my own skin. Someone who might be able to help remind me of the person I used to be.

Or I could be wanting to do this to somehow show myself that my W isn't the boss of me. It would be my 'little secret' that I could think about if she starts getting in my face. I know, it sounds so juvenile and petty!

It has been so long since I've trusted my instincts completely. Any thoughts? Thanks
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Old 11-06-2010, 09:16 PM
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It's impossible to tell...

...I have old girlfriends I legitimately like as people, and ones I simply want to physically connect with. I avoid them all, because connecting with them is a ticking time bomb for me. A couple of years ago while my wife was drinking heavily I almost became what I swore I would never be-- the other man. It started over a cup of coffee, we both were up to no good, we idealized each other as we once were and in happier times, and had we consumated it we would have destroyed her marriage and mine. Had either one of us been even slightly more aggressive I believe we would have holed up in a motel room for a week.

We have agreed that we can't communicate further. I love my wife and she loves her husband. We simply can't see each other.

Originally Posted by SteppingUp View Post
OK, I just need a reality check here. I'm traveling in another state for business. I'm in a city where an old (25 years ago) girlfriend lives. She's married and we've kept in touch over the years. She has been a good friend during some tough times in the past.

I feel like I want to call her. Maybe meet for coffee. I'm trying to figure out what my true motivation is here. On the surface, I feel like I want to see an old friend who knew me when I was more confident and comfortable in my own skin. Someone who might be able to help remind me of the person I used to be.

Or I could be wanting to do this to somehow show myself that my W isn't the boss of me. It would be my 'little secret' that I could think about if she starts getting in my face. I know, it sounds so juvenile and petty!

It has been so long since I've trusted my instincts completely. Any thoughts? Thanks
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Old 11-06-2010, 09:17 PM
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Good for you for questioning your motivation. That's important stuff.

What you said here caught my attention:

It would be my 'little secret' that I could think about if she starts getting in my face.
Fast forward to later. I think you have to decide for yourself how having a 'little secret' would make you feel about yourself. IMHO, having a 'little secret' fits in the category of infidelity.

And one other thought: Your ex-girlfriend is married, right? With respect for her husband--would you invite her husband to coffee too? Or are you looking for an exclusive meeting? Please consider his place in this too.

I have a feeling there are healthier ways to remind yourself of who you once were. With the help of some old guy friends, perhaps?
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Old 11-06-2010, 10:31 PM
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You are not the person you used to be nor the person you were yesterday... you are new today.... you define yourself today

No one ever is going to make you feel more like you, but you.

I was still in touch with some ex's but said bye to them all. Why, because too many days have been spent in the past, they are anchors to the past as well. While in my mind I am in August 2008 (or way earlier) I am missing my life and the people that are actually within my reach and bring good things to my life.

Is it your ego or your spirit talking? are you up to living in reality or are you looking for false doors? how is your relationship with HP/God doing? and what about small SteppingUp. Look up some pics of you as a kid or baby. What would make him feel protected? and what will make you feel proud, when you are way older and look back at your own life?
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Old 11-06-2010, 11:03 PM
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Amazing replies! Thank you all so much. I feel very lucky to have found SR!
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Old 11-07-2010, 06:52 AM
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My opinion is, if I am having a mountain of problems in a relationship involving just 2 people, if I were to add a third, or in this case, a fourth as well, you can easily see how complicated my problems would get in short order.

Thanks and God bless us all,
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Old 11-07-2010, 07:25 AM
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I don't ever want to be reminded of who I used to be, that person made the choices that got me to where I am today. I want to think of the person I want to become..the person I am becoming because she is much healthier than I ever was. Just my opinion...
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Old 11-07-2010, 07:41 AM
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Thank you all! Decision made. No looking backward. I'll just look down at my shoes and focus on where I am and who I am right now. And right now I don't want to be the guy who calls his ex to try to connect with his past.
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Old 11-07-2010, 08:56 AM
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Great thread. Great responses. Thanks, all, for sharing.
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Old 11-07-2010, 07:18 PM
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Originally Posted by Cyranoak View Post
...I have old girlfriends I legitimately like as people, and ones I simply want to physically connect with. I avoid them all, because connecting with them is a ticking time bomb for me. A couple of years ago while my wife was drinking heavily I almost became what I swore I would never be-- the other man. It started over a cup of coffee, we both were up to no good, we idealized each other as we once were and in happier times, and had we consumated it we would have destroyed her marriage and mine. Had either one of us been even slightly more aggressive I believe we would have holed up in a motel room for a week.

We have agreed that we can't communicate further. I love my wife and she loves her husband. We simply can't see each other.
Interesting...I left my ex 3 months ago because he "hooked up" with an old high school friend from FB (yeah how original) and they met and he claims they never got to the physical part (not even sure if this is true).
He was still up to no good with sex chats, dirty pcs exchanged and phone sex with her, so in the end, it was still cheating. And she's "married' with a few kids. Nice eh!

My ex told me he was stopping all contact with his affair friend, but he never did. Once it gets going, it doesn't end!
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Old 11-07-2010, 07:20 PM
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Originally Posted by SteppingUp View Post
Thank you all! Decision made. No looking backward. I'll just look down at my shoes and focus on where I am and who I am right now. And right now I don't want to be the guy who calls his ex to try to connect with his past.
GOOD idea, I wished my ex had asked before he tore my heart out
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