What makes a recovery "enough?"
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 115
Okay, now I'm mad! Up until this point, I have felt at various times sad, guilty, detached, lonely, exhausted, and unsure. But now, for the first time, I am angry. Angry that AH wants me to take responsibility for his drinking. I will NOT agree that this is a miscommunication, I will NOT agree that I was obligated to issues threats and ultimatums before I left, and I will NOT agree that AH is in recovery just because he's decided that he no longer has a problem without working a program. He's mad/sad/uncomfortable now that I'm gone, but what did he think I was feeling for all of those months when he continued to drink? Welcome to my world, it's not all about you (him)! NO, NO, NO!
Okay, I'm still mad, but I feel better now.
Okay, I'm still mad, but I feel better now.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
One of the many stages of grief is anger. Not only are you grieving the loss of this relationship after all of your efforts to try to hold it together, but now you are being blamed for that loss. Sure there are two sides to every coin and we as enablers and codependents take responsibility for our own actions, but it takes two to tango and he's not owning up to his contribution.
It's okay to be angry. Heck, it's okay to be enraged. That's empowering. That's a healthy response to an injustice. Now channel that emotion towards your recovery. Use it to keep those boundaries in check.
The anger and rage I developed after leaving my XABF were shocking to me. I didn't realized how much I had held all that fire at bay for those years. It all came flooding in once some of the hurt and guilt subsided. Like you I was surprised by it at first and not sure what to do with it. Finding healthy ways to work through those feelings is a life lesson well worth learning. It's when we hide from our emotions and try to suppress them that we get ourselves into addiction and into unhealthy relationships.
When the wise folks here told me that anger is part of the process and I should have patience with myself, it made a big difference.
Your recovery is amazing Sasha!! Keep at it!!
Alice
It's okay to be angry. Heck, it's okay to be enraged. That's empowering. That's a healthy response to an injustice. Now channel that emotion towards your recovery. Use it to keep those boundaries in check.
The anger and rage I developed after leaving my XABF were shocking to me. I didn't realized how much I had held all that fire at bay for those years. It all came flooding in once some of the hurt and guilt subsided. Like you I was surprised by it at first and not sure what to do with it. Finding healthy ways to work through those feelings is a life lesson well worth learning. It's when we hide from our emotions and try to suppress them that we get ourselves into addiction and into unhealthy relationships.
When the wise folks here told me that anger is part of the process and I should have patience with myself, it made a big difference.
Your recovery is amazing Sasha!! Keep at it!!
Alice
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 545
Angry's good. I'm not sure I have ever expressed the anger that I felt (and still feel deep inside) about my ex. Or about anything much. It's not an emotion I am comfortable with. Part of my conditioning, I think, both from my family and from wider society. So, I don't reall have anything constructive to say about how to deal with it, but I am certain that others will have some good suggestions.
The reason I asked about if he ignored you about other things is that I believe alcohol (and the denial of its grip) is sometimes given a lot of prominence in a situation where a man is actually dismissive of the woman's opinion in general. So often when I read posts (not yours!) I want to suggest feminist books in addition to recovery books, but appreciate that this is probably not appropriate.
Your feelings matter. They may not matter to him, but they are yours. He can't take them away.
The reason I asked about if he ignored you about other things is that I believe alcohol (and the denial of its grip) is sometimes given a lot of prominence in a situation where a man is actually dismissive of the woman's opinion in general. So often when I read posts (not yours!) I want to suggest feminist books in addition to recovery books, but appreciate that this is probably not appropriate.
Your feelings matter. They may not matter to him, but they are yours. He can't take them away.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
sasha-
i have to say in the two years i've been here at SR, i've watched many people come thru. you are remarkable in that you took the cousel here and moved quickly, maintaining your integrity the whole time.
just wanted to give you that feedback.
naive
i have to say in the two years i've been here at SR, i've watched many people come thru. you are remarkable in that you took the cousel here and moved quickly, maintaining your integrity the whole time.
just wanted to give you that feedback.
naive
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Salt Lake City, UT
Posts: 85
I separated from my AH about five weeks ago and I have to say that your post really spoke to me. When I read it I understood the difficulty of not having the answers. It is hard when my AH acts like I should be able to say 1,2,3 and you are done. It isn't that simple and I wish so much that it was. The hardest part is that I am not going to know it is enough until I am there..IF I ever get there. Everyday I get information that tells me I am doing the right thing. I feel better, I eat better, I am nicer to my kids, and I get more done. Yet, each day I also am approached by my AH with tactics to get me back. Some days he tells me how much he loves me and that he will do anything for me. Other days he tells me he hates me and that I have destroyed his life. In the confusion and doubt of all these mixed signals I have difficulty really making any clear choices. I don't think it is conscious, but it almost feels like sometimes he is purposefully keeping me trapped in limbo because as long as I am there and as long as I engage I won't be able to truly walk away. Unlike your AH mine won't even consider getting help unless I move back in first and I am just not going to do that. Seeing is believing and right now I don't believe. We have recently started couples counseling, but the therapist told me that if he doesn't work on his drinking she doesn't see much point in working on us. Yet, he still refuses to change a thing and to face it and I have agreed to give it a little more time (we decided on at least separating, and not divorcing, until the first of the year and we will continue counseling), but it is hard knowing when to say when. On one hand I love the man and I have dedicated so much of myself to him. He is the father of my children and we have spent ten years together (some of them good years). He is my family and the thought of walking away from that for good is extremely painful. On the other hand there is so much life out there to live and how much more of my time am I willing to spend waiting on him to want to be a better man. Then there is the big question for me of IF he decides to go into recovery when will it be enough? How will I trust him in that recovery? Will it ever be enough? And how long am I supposed to wait? For now, I am still seeking some of those answers and many of them I won't be able to answer until the time is right. I guess for me when I go back (if I go back) is when I am ready and there is no timeline for that. I want to want him again and if I don't I have to have enough self-love to move forward in my own life and to find my own happiness.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
Consider not focusing on him. You don't need him to hear you.
...and this is only my opinion based on my experiences, and seven years of recovery in Al-Anon. Besides the kitchen and specific to alcohol, have these conversations with him, which I suspect you've had several times in several forms, ever done anything to move you or him forward? Ever? It's the same old conversation over and over and over. Once you've had this conversation once you never really need to have it again if you start focusing on yourself instead of your alcoholic. Once is caring, more than once is nagging or controlling.
I believe he is clearly in denial about his alcoholism and will clearly start drinking as soon as you come home (but will probably try to hide it which is always a good time). He may begin to work a program if he truly believes you'll only come back if he does but even if he does, he may stop the moment you return (or not). There are no guarantees about any of this, and you never really know for sure when they bottom (they don't all bottom the same). For my wife it was jail, and even though she's been sober for four months, I still know in my heart of hearts it is one day at a time, and I try not to obsess over it. I swear to myself that if she ever drinks again I'm out of here, but I may be full of crap. I hope I never find out.
The solution? Focus on yourself and not on him, even if it feels selfish. Work your program in Al-Anon, or somewhere else if it doesn't work for you. Stop doing his inventory and start working on your own. Will life be perfect if you do this? Probably not. Will you be happier than you are now? I guarantee it.
Lastly, as my sponsor says, "don't should on yourself, don't let him should on you, don't should on him, and don't should on others."
Take care,
Cyranoak
I believe he is clearly in denial about his alcoholism and will clearly start drinking as soon as you come home (but will probably try to hide it which is always a good time). He may begin to work a program if he truly believes you'll only come back if he does but even if he does, he may stop the moment you return (or not). There are no guarantees about any of this, and you never really know for sure when they bottom (they don't all bottom the same). For my wife it was jail, and even though she's been sober for four months, I still know in my heart of hearts it is one day at a time, and I try not to obsess over it. I swear to myself that if she ever drinks again I'm out of here, but I may be full of crap. I hope I never find out.
The solution? Focus on yourself and not on him, even if it feels selfish. Work your program in Al-Anon, or somewhere else if it doesn't work for you. Stop doing his inventory and start working on your own. Will life be perfect if you do this? Probably not. Will you be happier than you are now? I guarantee it.
Lastly, as my sponsor says, "don't should on yourself, don't let him should on you, don't should on him, and don't should on others."
Take care,
Cyranoak
Originally Posted by SashaMB 
Anyway, it was a very long and frustrating conversation. He really wanted to corner me into a specific time-frame, but it doesn't sound like he has much of an interest in a genuine recovery so much as a fast plan to get me to come home. Even now with a couple of weeks sober, I can't seem to make him HEAR me, no matter what I say.
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: ozarks
Posts: 85
Originally Posted by naive
cyranoak-
so glad you are here with us, sharing your wisdom and experience. i appreciate your no nonsense approach and straight talk very much. i'm learning a lot from you. thanks.
naive
so glad you are here with us, sharing your wisdom and experience. i appreciate your no nonsense approach and straight talk very much. i'm learning a lot from you. thanks.
naive
post #11 the p.s. part gave me a sense of hope.
thanks cryanoak!
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 89
Originally Posted by ItsmeAlice
I encourage you not to let his desperation to end this uncomfortable time drive you to make conclusions or push you into making any changes. He has to sit in his distress. Like sitting on a hot rock. He has to stay there until he makes the realization that only he can stop the pain. He is still expecting you to save him and that's just not going to happen anymore.
You can be understanding of his pain the way you would be holding the hand of a child getting a flu shot. It hurts, but it must be done. You are not taking that shot for him and that's just the way it is. Keep telling him you care but you have to care now from a distance to be healthy.
You can be understanding of his pain the way you would be holding the hand of a child getting a flu shot. It hurts, but it must be done. You are not taking that shot for him and that's just the way it is. Keep telling him you care but you have to care now from a distance to be healthy.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 89
Originally Posted by ItsmeAlice
I suspect no matter what you say, it will flame him. Telling him a year in recovery before considering reconciliation (which is a good start by the way) might just send him into a fit. Of course, that may be a way for you to see just how shallow his effort is. You know it in your heart, but to see it played out might stiffen your resolve.
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
I have to have enough self-love to move forward in my own life and to find my own happiness. posted by cystal...
now that is good stuff!
Lastly, as my sponsor says, "don't should on yourself, don't let him should on you, don't should on him, and don't should on others."
posted by cyranoak
I like that...I will write this down and hang it on my fridge...this is good stuff also...thank you for sharing..!!
now that is good stuff!
Lastly, as my sponsor says, "don't should on yourself, don't let him should on you, don't should on him, and don't should on others."
posted by cyranoak
I like that...I will write this down and hang it on my fridge...this is good stuff also...thank you for sharing..!!
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