I'm going on a date. A real one.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: East Coast
Posts: 90
Transformie I think you are doing just fine.
I have to admit I am hanging onto every word of this thread!
Hoping one day to create the same situation in my world.
No more does he like me, yes/no. If yes then count me in. Please HP let that mess be over.
I have to admit I am hanging onto every word of this thread!
Hoping one day to create the same situation in my world.
No more does he like me, yes/no. If yes then count me in. Please HP let that mess be over.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,057
Hey, Transform. I know you asked Live how to be friends without losing yourself in the process, but it made me think of this...
...my new checklist for dating...
Once my healthy boundaries are compromised (and either start collapsing or becoming too rigid), well, then I've probably messed it up somewhere.
I'm glad you had such a great time!
________________________________________
HEALTHY BOUNDARIES
• You can say no or yes, and you are ok when others say no to you.
• You have a strong sense of identity. You respect yourself.
• You expect reciprocity in a relationship—you share responsibility and power.
• You know when the problem is yours and when it belongs to someone else.
• You share personal information gradually in a mutually sharing/trusting relationship.
• You don’t tolerate abuse or disrespect.
• You know your own wants, needs and feelings. You communicate them clearly in your relationships.
• You are committed to and responsible for exploring and nurturing your full potential.
• You are responsible for your own happiness and fulfillment. You allow others to be responsible for their own happiness and fulfillment.
• You value your opinions and feelings as much as others.
• You know your limits. You allow others to define their limits.
• You are able to ask for help when you need it.
• You don’t compromise your values or integrity to avoid rejection.
COLLAPSED BOUNDARIES
• You can’t say no, because you are afraid of rejection or abandonment.
• Your identity consists of what you think others want you to be. You are a chameleon.
• You have no balance of power or responsibility in your relationships. You tend to be either overly responsible and controlling or passive and dependent.
• You take on other’s problems as your own.
• You share personal information too soon. . .before establishing mutual trust/sharing.
• You have a high tolerance for abuse or being treated with disrespect.
• Your wants, needs and feelings are secondary to others’ and are sometimes determined by others.
• You ignore your inner voice and allow others expectations to define your potential.
• You feel responsible for other’s happiness and fulfillment and sometimes rely on your relationships to create that for you.
• You tend to absorb the feelings of others.
• You rely on others opinions, feelings and ideas more than you do your own.
• You allow others to define your limits or try to define limits for others.
• You compromise your values and beliefs in order to please others or to avoid conflict.
RIGID BOUNDARIES
• You are likely to say no if the request involves close interaction.
• You avoid intimacy (pick fights, stay too busy, etc.)
• You fear abandonment OR engulfment, so you avoid closeness.
• You rarely share personal information.
• You have difficulty identifying wants, needs, feelings.
• You have few or no close relationships. If you have a partner, you have very separate lives and virtually no shared social life.
• You rarely ask for help.
• You do not allow yourself to connect with other people and their problems.
________________________________________
...my new checklist for dating...
Once my healthy boundaries are compromised (and either start collapsing or becoming too rigid), well, then I've probably messed it up somewhere.
I'm glad you had such a great time!
________________________________________
HEALTHY BOUNDARIES
• You can say no or yes, and you are ok when others say no to you.
• You have a strong sense of identity. You respect yourself.
• You expect reciprocity in a relationship—you share responsibility and power.
• You know when the problem is yours and when it belongs to someone else.
• You share personal information gradually in a mutually sharing/trusting relationship.
• You don’t tolerate abuse or disrespect.
• You know your own wants, needs and feelings. You communicate them clearly in your relationships.
• You are committed to and responsible for exploring and nurturing your full potential.
• You are responsible for your own happiness and fulfillment. You allow others to be responsible for their own happiness and fulfillment.
• You value your opinions and feelings as much as others.
• You know your limits. You allow others to define their limits.
• You are able to ask for help when you need it.
• You don’t compromise your values or integrity to avoid rejection.
COLLAPSED BOUNDARIES
• You can’t say no, because you are afraid of rejection or abandonment.
• Your identity consists of what you think others want you to be. You are a chameleon.
• You have no balance of power or responsibility in your relationships. You tend to be either overly responsible and controlling or passive and dependent.
• You take on other’s problems as your own.
• You share personal information too soon. . .before establishing mutual trust/sharing.
• You have a high tolerance for abuse or being treated with disrespect.
• Your wants, needs and feelings are secondary to others’ and are sometimes determined by others.
• You ignore your inner voice and allow others expectations to define your potential.
• You feel responsible for other’s happiness and fulfillment and sometimes rely on your relationships to create that for you.
• You tend to absorb the feelings of others.
• You rely on others opinions, feelings and ideas more than you do your own.
• You allow others to define your limits or try to define limits for others.
• You compromise your values and beliefs in order to please others or to avoid conflict.
RIGID BOUNDARIES
• You are likely to say no if the request involves close interaction.
• You avoid intimacy (pick fights, stay too busy, etc.)
• You fear abandonment OR engulfment, so you avoid closeness.
• You rarely share personal information.
• You have difficulty identifying wants, needs, feelings.
• You have few or no close relationships. If you have a partner, you have very separate lives and virtually no shared social life.
• You rarely ask for help.
• You do not allow yourself to connect with other people and their problems.
________________________________________
Last edited by HealingWillCome; 11-07-2010 at 06:19 PM. Reason: Spelling mistakes
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Ha! Summer!
He lives with his son who is 20, but is eager for him to move out and take care of himself. Tall Editors wife died a few years ago so I'd expect his son needs some help with that.
He's not perfect, but I sure like many many things about him.
He's dorky. I mean Jeff Goldblume/Kramer clutzy and dorky. But I sure do respect his "clever and alert mentality," as our astrological comparison predicts.
I usually go for VERY pretty, younger men. Muscly. He's got muscles too, but he's long and lean.
I'm committed to not getting naked with him for a long time, I think. I think I want to really know him first.
But then I question that too. We're adults. We an engage in whatever kinds of exchanges we want. As long as there is clear communication about expectation first right?
We'll find out on Friday, after the panel at the fundraiser party. Or maybe Wednesday after my meeting in the city. Thursday I'm going out for my oldest friends birthday with folks I graduated from high school with. Friday is the panel and huge party.
Man, I"m having a blast. Better focus on getting all my work done, with all this partying going on.
He lives with his son who is 20, but is eager for him to move out and take care of himself. Tall Editors wife died a few years ago so I'd expect his son needs some help with that.
He's not perfect, but I sure like many many things about him.
He's dorky. I mean Jeff Goldblume/Kramer clutzy and dorky. But I sure do respect his "clever and alert mentality," as our astrological comparison predicts.
I usually go for VERY pretty, younger men. Muscly. He's got muscles too, but he's long and lean.
I'm committed to not getting naked with him for a long time, I think. I think I want to really know him first.
But then I question that too. We're adults. We an engage in whatever kinds of exchanges we want. As long as there is clear communication about expectation first right?
We'll find out on Friday, after the panel at the fundraiser party. Or maybe Wednesday after my meeting in the city. Thursday I'm going out for my oldest friends birthday with folks I graduated from high school with. Friday is the panel and huge party.
Man, I"m having a blast. Better focus on getting all my work done, with all this partying going on.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
"Wait, hey Live, how does one do that? How does one engage in the kind of relationship I've always wanted to have--safety, trust, feeling cherished and honored--without losing yourself in an unhealthy way?"
I started by not drinking. No lapses and no relapses. This is the first relationship I have been involved in that I have been completely sober for. So far, so good.
I started by not drinking. No lapses and no relapses. This is the first relationship I have been involved in that I have been completely sober for. So far, so good.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
"But then I question that too. We're adults. We an engage in whatever kinds of exchanges we want. As long as there is clear communication about expectation first right?"
IMO this is a huge question and a huge issue and my personal take on it is, don't do it. If you're serious about this, just don't. Easier said than done though.
IMO this is a huge question and a huge issue and my personal take on it is, don't do it. If you're serious about this, just don't. Easier said than done though.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
When my met my last ex, I didn't get it "on" with him right away. We were friends first and actually hung out and had fun. He was super nice!
Then months later when we knew there was something there, I waited another month to have sex with him because I didn't want to mess it up.
Of course, we didn't make it, but starting slow was a good decision in any case
Then months later when we knew there was something there, I waited another month to have sex with him because I didn't want to mess it up.
Of course, we didn't make it, but starting slow was a good decision in any case
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
parking lot slow dance
hot kisses on a cold night
hearts beating faster
hot kisses on a cold night
hearts beating faster
wow.
my heart is beating faster.
dont let the past screw this beautiful moment.
please.
of course you won't transform.
it sounds wonderful and you have good stuff coming to you.
sorry if it sounded harsh about the past.
i am struggling today.
Last edited by wicked; 11-07-2010 at 07:28 PM. Reason: to add something.
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
it means he is a thoughtful, kind, literate man.
wow.
my heart is beating faster.
dont let the past screw this beautiful moment.
please.
wow.
my heart is beating faster.
dont let the past screw this beautiful moment.
please.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Originally Posted by transformyself 
thank you wicked, because there are shades of suspicion working here. Why is he working so hard to win my attention? I have to flush those thoughts right out and get back to my life...
we sleep alone together.
bah. doesnt work.
take it easy. you can do this, and you can be happy.
i know it.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 693
transform--I'd like what you're having! Where do I find it on the menu? Where is the menu??
Sounds like you had a fantastic time. I found myself smiling like I was one of your best teenage girlfriends sitting next to you while you told me all the fun stuff! I am excited for you!
I think you will be able to keep your boundaries--and if you do and he respects them. . .well that will be divine.
Keep having fun. You deserve it.
Sounds like you had a fantastic time. I found myself smiling like I was one of your best teenage girlfriends sitting next to you while you told me all the fun stuff! I am excited for you!
I think you will be able to keep your boundaries--and if you do and he respects them. . .well that will be divine.
Keep having fun. You deserve it.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Originally Posted by transformyself
He's dorky. I mean Jeff Goldblume/Kramer clutzy and dorky. But I sure do respect his "clever and alert mentality," as our astrological comparison predicts.
I'm so happy you're having a good time, Transform. He sounds like a gentleman and so sweet. (So, there is hope. *Sigh.*
)
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Originally Posted by transformyself
Sort of wish my life were this simple
It seems I'd choose someone that is sicker than me, get all involved with them even when I wasn't really attracted to them in the first place (without being drunk anyway), then cry and overdramatize when they "treat me like ****." Use others' behavior as an excuse for my own dysfunction and bad behavior. I'm tired of making stupid decisions for my life under the influence. It is also not fair to the other person for me to continue to do so.
Thanks for listening. Thanks Transformy, for sharing your life and feelings with me so that I can self-reflect. Love ya'!
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
I just meant it seems so simple for recovering A's. Prioritizing is easy. You had said something about "just don't drink," I think. That's what I was responding to, the simplicity of "just don't drink."
I know it's not simple though.
And you're more than welcome Darlin. Processing externally and publishing my dirt is what I do!
I know it's not simple though.
And you're more than welcome Darlin. Processing externally and publishing my dirt is what I do!
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