not sure where to start
Responsible Girl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Toledo, OH
Posts: 32
not sure where to start
I'm a new member, and a little scared... My fiancee of 5 yrs, father of my 4 yr old and 2 1/2 year old just told me, sobbing, this morning that he's been spending money left and right (which I already knew) but mostly on beer, cocaine, and pot. There hasn't been one whole week in at least two months that he's gone all week without staying out until all hours of the morning while I'm home with our kids, trying to sleep enough to be functional at work the next day. He has a huge problem, and is now apparently admitting this, but wants me to go to an AA mtg with him tonight. Unfortunately, all I've really read so far in these forums is that people don't normally change. Should I try to suuport him? I'm so drained already- it's been 5 years of this, the worst recently, but frequent nonetheless. Lost cause? Never been to an AA mtg, or Al-Anon, though I promised a friend's mother I'd go to one... I've never done any drugs and can count on one hand how many times I've been drunk, so I think I just don't understand the desire. Am I missing something?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Carrollton, Texas
Posts: 218
As one newby to another...
Welcome from my heart to yours. You asked if it was a lost cause...No. When my son decided that he was ready to get help..it did work for him. Prior to that it was just me begging and pleading and demanding and bribeing and such forth and so on.
But until sonny decided that he had to do it for himself then all the tears and fears were all my own. You have to ask yourself now...will you be better off with him (and his recovery and possible relapses) or would you be better off without him? Only you can answer this. I chose to stand beside my son the last few days..and only this time have I been able to stand up to him and tell him whats what and what I deemed acceptable..and made him listen. But hun...whatever you do..keep coming back to this site... I have had some wonderful conversations online and on the phone with people from Al-Anon..even though I have never been to a meeting..( I told you I was new) lol. But I will go to one..really.
But until sonny decided that he had to do it for himself then all the tears and fears were all my own. You have to ask yourself now...will you be better off with him (and his recovery and possible relapses) or would you be better off without him? Only you can answer this. I chose to stand beside my son the last few days..and only this time have I been able to stand up to him and tell him whats what and what I deemed acceptable..and made him listen. But hun...whatever you do..keep coming back to this site... I have had some wonderful conversations online and on the phone with people from Al-Anon..even though I have never been to a meeting..( I told you I was new) lol. But I will go to one..really.
{tap}{tap}...Is this thing on?
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Getting There
Posts: 276
Mindy,
Welcome. I will launch right in - I didn't understand the draw of alcoholism, the fact that it is a disease, until I went to an open AA meeting where the topic was the physical aspects of alcoholism.
I couldn't understand HOW anyone was addicted to alcohol until that night. The speaker explained that the non-alcoholic can take a single drink and start to feel at ease, relaxed, less "wound up" and can satisfy a desire for a drink however when the alcoholic drinks that 1 drink puts them at dis-ease (hence the label). That 1 drink for the alcoholic makes them crave another, so that 1 becomes 2, then the 2 become 4, and so on.
Not to make light of the revelation, b/c for me I associated the alcoholics approach to drinking like I approach chocolate. If I don't buy it, have it in the house, bring it to the office I am ok. But if I (this is my addiction, albeit less painful to others around me) allow myself 1 piece, I will ususally have 6 pieces. And still want more until I MAKE myself stop.
People change if they want to change. However an alcoholic is always an alcoholic because of the way they respond to alcohol.
Please check out the Al-Anon meetings in your area. I did and am forever a healthier and stronger person for it.
Come back often,
Petunia
Welcome. I will launch right in - I didn't understand the draw of alcoholism, the fact that it is a disease, until I went to an open AA meeting where the topic was the physical aspects of alcoholism.
I couldn't understand HOW anyone was addicted to alcohol until that night. The speaker explained that the non-alcoholic can take a single drink and start to feel at ease, relaxed, less "wound up" and can satisfy a desire for a drink however when the alcoholic drinks that 1 drink puts them at dis-ease (hence the label). That 1 drink for the alcoholic makes them crave another, so that 1 becomes 2, then the 2 become 4, and so on.
Not to make light of the revelation, b/c for me I associated the alcoholics approach to drinking like I approach chocolate. If I don't buy it, have it in the house, bring it to the office I am ok. But if I (this is my addiction, albeit less painful to others around me) allow myself 1 piece, I will ususally have 6 pieces. And still want more until I MAKE myself stop.
People change if they want to change. However an alcoholic is always an alcoholic because of the way they respond to alcohol.
Please check out the Al-Anon meetings in your area. I did and am forever a healthier and stronger person for it.
Come back often,
Petunia
Queen of one liners
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: walking beside you! Not in front of you.
Posts: 658
Mindy, Welcome and consider yourself hugged.
First off unless your truly finished with him and are a getting divorce what will it hurt for you to go to an A.A. meeting???? Some of my best education on the disease of alcoholism was at AA meetings....Also some of the imspiring messages I have ever heard were at A.A. meetings....
Second why havn't you gone to Al-Anon? We who do go and continue to go, go because we have found the tools to live life on life's terms....We work a program that has changed our lives...
So the father of your childern goes to A.A., It seems to me that they will need the healthest mother they can get whether he recovers or not...
ALCOHOLISM IS A FAMILY DISEASE..
THIS TO ME AS AN ADULT CHILD OF ALCOHOLICS IS A FACT....
Please take this opertunity to not only have a support group for yourself but to help your childern....It can be the greatest <A TITLE="Click for more information about gift" STYLE="background-color: #f0f000; " HREF="http://search.targetwords.com/u.search?x=5977|1||||gifts|AA1VDw">gift</A> you will ever give them.
Love and prayers,
First off unless your truly finished with him and are a getting divorce what will it hurt for you to go to an A.A. meeting???? Some of my best education on the disease of alcoholism was at AA meetings....Also some of the imspiring messages I have ever heard were at A.A. meetings....
Second why havn't you gone to Al-Anon? We who do go and continue to go, go because we have found the tools to live life on life's terms....We work a program that has changed our lives...
So the father of your childern goes to A.A., It seems to me that they will need the healthest mother they can get whether he recovers or not...
ALCOHOLISM IS A FAMILY DISEASE..
THIS TO ME AS AN ADULT CHILD OF ALCOHOLICS IS A FACT....
Please take this opertunity to not only have a support group for yourself but to help your childern....It can be the greatest <A TITLE="Click for more information about gift" STYLE="background-color: #f0f000; " HREF="http://search.targetwords.com/u.search?x=5977|1||||gifts|AA1VDw">gift</A> you will ever give them.
Love and prayers,
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Washington
Posts: 129
(((Minday)))
Welcome, I’m so glad you found us!
You’re not alone in not knowing or understanding the disease of addiction. In fact, I was told the last time my H went thru treatment that we who are not addicts, will never completely understand it, and we shouldn’t dwell on that fact. We don’t understand it because we aren’t addicts, there is no way for me to conceive the incredible desire and cravings for whiskey that my H would go thru. There is no way for me to understand what it must have been like to try with all his might to stave them off, only to succumb once again and go off on a week long bender.
The fact that your fiancé has admitted he has a problem IS a good thing. Many A’s never even get to this stage where they recognize that they do indeed have a problem, let alone speak it verbally.
More importantly than anything though, is what are you doing for yourself? You have to get to the place where you recognize and accept that his stuff is his stuff, and your stuff is your stuff. Be willing to give Alanon a try. I was a huge critic and procrastinated for months and months before I finally went—now I can say that it literally saved my life. It took no time at all for me to see that I was allowing him to completely dominate my life, every aspect of it. I had to learn to let go and let him go, and learn how to make healthy decisions for me and set healthy boundaries.
You can support him, go to AA with him (by the way, personally I think it’s wonderful that he invited you to go with him, often times they want to do it by themselves because they are ashamed), and offer him encouragement, but the bottom line is, he has to want to recover for him first, not for you, not for the kids, not for anyone else.
Keep coming here, and please consider a f2f Alanon meeting. You don’t have to say anything, you can go and just listen for awhile if that’s what you’re comfortable with.
Best wishes,
Welcome, I’m so glad you found us!
You’re not alone in not knowing or understanding the disease of addiction. In fact, I was told the last time my H went thru treatment that we who are not addicts, will never completely understand it, and we shouldn’t dwell on that fact. We don’t understand it because we aren’t addicts, there is no way for me to conceive the incredible desire and cravings for whiskey that my H would go thru. There is no way for me to understand what it must have been like to try with all his might to stave them off, only to succumb once again and go off on a week long bender.
The fact that your fiancé has admitted he has a problem IS a good thing. Many A’s never even get to this stage where they recognize that they do indeed have a problem, let alone speak it verbally.
More importantly than anything though, is what are you doing for yourself? You have to get to the place where you recognize and accept that his stuff is his stuff, and your stuff is your stuff. Be willing to give Alanon a try. I was a huge critic and procrastinated for months and months before I finally went—now I can say that it literally saved my life. It took no time at all for me to see that I was allowing him to completely dominate my life, every aspect of it. I had to learn to let go and let him go, and learn how to make healthy decisions for me and set healthy boundaries.
You can support him, go to AA with him (by the way, personally I think it’s wonderful that he invited you to go with him, often times they want to do it by themselves because they are ashamed), and offer him encouragement, but the bottom line is, he has to want to recover for him first, not for you, not for the kids, not for anyone else.
Keep coming here, and please consider a f2f Alanon meeting. You don’t have to say anything, you can go and just listen for awhile if that’s what you’re comfortable with.
Best wishes,
Responsible Girl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Toledo, OH
Posts: 32
Well, I did go to the meeting with him last night; it went well, though not really what I expected nor what I think he expected. It was anniversary night, and instead of starting at 8 like the book said, it started earlier and they all had dinner first. What I felt, though, was how warm and welcome and familiar everyone was with one another. It was an open lead, and we made it in time to hear his story, and though my W hasn't quite gotten to that low, I could easily see him there soon. What surprised me the most was his openness with me afterwards- he worried that I was bored, but felt he got something out of it; he could relate to some of the things the guy said. He's on his way to another meeting today as I type, and will hopefully continue. I plan to find an Al Anon mtg on my own soon- it's more of a fear and embarrassment than a distrust. I'm only 25! But alcoholism doesn't discriminate, I know. As for my kids, I know I'm their rock- I know I'm a good mom and they have stability with me. I sincerely thank you guys for your replies- I will certainly continue to come back every day, and I told W about this last night- I want to set him up to register too. Two days and counting!!!!
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