He's killing himself
He's killing himself
and today I'm sad about it. I can't do anything, not one thing, to stop it. I can see the toll it's taking and the more I detach the more sadness there is. I guess fighting to control him/it keeps me angry instead of that sadness that comes with acceptance.
Part of the problem is the lives I've already lost to addiction.
I usually just let it go easily and get on with my life. But today I'm so sad. I can picture myself at his deathbed. It might take 5 or 50 years, but it's coming. We never know. His mother died from alcoholism in 2001, right after the birth of our second son. She stopped eating, was in a home for "dementia," but everyone knew it was later stages of alcoholism.
The ravages of alcoholism are like self inflicted dementia. He struggles with it, talks to me about it. I've had the kids for three days and he's been off work, so today he said, "well I've drank enough for awhile." He looks awful. He seems so small right now but I know after a few days of drying out he'll be robust and bigger.
It's also hard for me to face my life, the life I'm building-free of his negative beliefs about me. I think Naive's poem to me in an earlier post about how I need to let go of him has shaken my sense of safety in denial. Safety through denial! We're in the business!
you are like a running river and he's like a big rock.
you are on the move and he's static.
he is old and you are new.
he's complainig and you are questioning the very meaining of Life.
he's drinking and you are doing birkam yoga.
he's falling down and you are getting up from your knees.
he's f**king the deli girl and you are asking your HP for guidance.
he's a drunk and you are a super star!
Sure, these things make us smile at first, but this also makes me very sad. Yes, it's his choice to destroy his life. That's what we tell ourselves and each other. But is it? If his drive to destroy his life through drinking is anything like my drive to try to control him and his drinking,
Part of the problem is the lives I've already lost to addiction.
I usually just let it go easily and get on with my life. But today I'm so sad. I can picture myself at his deathbed. It might take 5 or 50 years, but it's coming. We never know. His mother died from alcoholism in 2001, right after the birth of our second son. She stopped eating, was in a home for "dementia," but everyone knew it was later stages of alcoholism.
The ravages of alcoholism are like self inflicted dementia. He struggles with it, talks to me about it. I've had the kids for three days and he's been off work, so today he said, "well I've drank enough for awhile." He looks awful. He seems so small right now but I know after a few days of drying out he'll be robust and bigger.
It's also hard for me to face my life, the life I'm building-free of his negative beliefs about me. I think Naive's poem to me in an earlier post about how I need to let go of him has shaken my sense of safety in denial. Safety through denial! We're in the business!
you are like a running river and he's like a big rock.
you are on the move and he's static.
he is old and you are new.
he's complainig and you are questioning the very meaining of Life.
he's drinking and you are doing birkam yoga.
he's falling down and you are getting up from your knees.
he's f**king the deli girl and you are asking your HP for guidance.
he's a drunk and you are a super star!
Sure, these things make us smile at first, but this also makes me very sad. Yes, it's his choice to destroy his life. That's what we tell ourselves and each other. But is it? If his drive to destroy his life through drinking is anything like my drive to try to control him and his drinking,
Yeah, this sucks. I so relate to what you are saying, transformyself. I've been thinking the same thing.
In fact today, I was just asking myself--why can't we be angry? Why do we have to detach with love all the time. I'm actually pretty good at that part.
My AH got his blood test report back yesterday, and it wasn't as bad as he feared. Nothing too crazy, except he might be pre-diabetic. Last week I had challenged him with a choose life or choose death question--and he responded by not drinking for 9 days. But then he gets a relatively clean bill of health, and so yesterday he was supposed to be here for the utility man who was evaluating our broken furnace, but he was out drinking instead, and today, we're getting estimates for a NEW furnace, and he's texting me from the bar telling me what questions to ask the HVAC guys when they come.... So, while the guy is here, I'm telling him, can you wait a sec, I have to get an email out; and can you wait a sec, I have telephone conference in ten minutes...
Today, I'm not sad. I'm angry at myself for being such a damned doormat and at him for taking advantage of me. OK, "he's sick" and "he needs compassion." Well, I need a fully functioning better half--and I mean "better."
Of course, if the doctor called today and said "Oops, we missed something--looks like you need more tests..." I have to admit, I'll go into sadness/fear mode. I know I will.
It's like the part in Mommie Dearest where the maid doesn't clean under the potted plant and Joan Crawford gets mad, but when the maid tries to apologize, Joan Crawford says, "No, don't apologize I'm not mad at you--I'm mad at the dirt."
That's exactly the same way I feel about alcoholism--I'm mad at the DIRT. (But today, I'm a little mad at the person responsible for the dirt, too, because who winds up cleaning up if it isn't l'il ol' codependent me?)
In fact today, I was just asking myself--why can't we be angry? Why do we have to detach with love all the time. I'm actually pretty good at that part.
My AH got his blood test report back yesterday, and it wasn't as bad as he feared. Nothing too crazy, except he might be pre-diabetic. Last week I had challenged him with a choose life or choose death question--and he responded by not drinking for 9 days. But then he gets a relatively clean bill of health, and so yesterday he was supposed to be here for the utility man who was evaluating our broken furnace, but he was out drinking instead, and today, we're getting estimates for a NEW furnace, and he's texting me from the bar telling me what questions to ask the HVAC guys when they come.... So, while the guy is here, I'm telling him, can you wait a sec, I have to get an email out; and can you wait a sec, I have telephone conference in ten minutes...
Today, I'm not sad. I'm angry at myself for being such a damned doormat and at him for taking advantage of me. OK, "he's sick" and "he needs compassion." Well, I need a fully functioning better half--and I mean "better."
Of course, if the doctor called today and said "Oops, we missed something--looks like you need more tests..." I have to admit, I'll go into sadness/fear mode. I know I will.
It's like the part in Mommie Dearest where the maid doesn't clean under the potted plant and Joan Crawford gets mad, but when the maid tries to apologize, Joan Crawford says, "No, don't apologize I'm not mad at you--I'm mad at the dirt."
That's exactly the same way I feel about alcoholism--I'm mad at the DIRT. (But today, I'm a little mad at the person responsible for the dirt, too, because who winds up cleaning up if it isn't l'il ol' codependent me?)
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: colorado springs colorado
Posts: 2
I've been going to al-anon meetings trying to get my head on straight. My son has been an alcholic and meth head since he was 16( I think) he's very good at hiding it. He only comes around when he's hit rock bottom or he wants to steal something. I want to help but have realized that I'm not the one to do it, it's up to him. His sister and dad have written him off, they love him but see the person he has become and don't want him in their lives. He's been in jail for 10 days and will be getting out tommorrow. During this time he's lost his apartment and his job(if he had one)the lies flow so easily. His dad said that if I let him back in the house he'll leave. I see his point of view from all the theft chris has done in the past, but it's still tearing my heart apart. Can anyone tell me how you've gotten through this? I'm a loving mom who needs to say no
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: colorado springs colorado
Posts: 2
making me stronger
I've recently started going to al-anon meetings and they are helping. My son has been a alcoholic and meth user since he was 16 (i think) HE'S VERY GOOD AT HIDING IT. We'vesent him to rehab, counseling, aa meetings and gone ourselves to understand it. He's in jail now but will be getting out tommorrow. Chris is 28 so we can't make him do anything, I can't believe he wants to be like this but he keeps putting himself in the position to abuse. While he was in jail he lost his apartment and job(if he really had one) he lies so easily. His dad won"t let him move back in because he steals money ,credit cards, anything he can sell. I need to be strong because I hear they have to hit rock bottom.How have you handeled it
Oh Transform. Alcoholism is such a sad disease. Sad for the person most of all and for everyone it touches. It takes so much, and so slowly, and so painfully.
I spoke in another thread about how the alcoholic in recovery must put his recovery tools to good use when triggered. When I see the sad man, the defeated man, the one with pain in his eyes and exhaustion in his posture - I want to gather him in close to me and make it better. That is when I have to put my recovery tools to good use too. I can't make it better. If I gather him in, he'd smother me and I'd be lost. Well, there would be the anger and bitterness. It would come back full force because more often then not I want to shake him. That wouldn't help either. That is just me though, enough of that...
Sending you positive thoughts today.
I spoke in another thread about how the alcoholic in recovery must put his recovery tools to good use when triggered. When I see the sad man, the defeated man, the one with pain in his eyes and exhaustion in his posture - I want to gather him in close to me and make it better. That is when I have to put my recovery tools to good use too. I can't make it better. If I gather him in, he'd smother me and I'd be lost. Well, there would be the anger and bitterness. It would come back full force because more often then not I want to shake him. That wouldn't help either. That is just me though, enough of that...
Sending you positive thoughts today.
i so totally relate. I'm sad and angry and so sorry for the choices my AH has made. part of me is so angry that i'm forced to separate myself so i can get out of his way. Part of me is glad that i have the strength. I am very sad that he's so sick that he has no ability to maintain any length of recovery and his incredible gift of gab has been very engaging until now. I hate the illness and i hate how it breaks people into little pieces of their former selves. THAT makes me terribly sad!!
Thank you Thumper
And Barbie-I"m glad you're going to Alanon. My oldest son is most likely an addict as well, but he doesn't steal from me thankfully. I just love him and nurture our relationship as well as I can. No tough love for me, thank you, all though I understand and do not judge when others do..
I am in the process of forming a Mothers Against The Drugwar organization, if you're interested, message me. I can also point you in the direction of other resources. No, you can't do a thing about your sons addiction, but our failed policy of drug prohibition isn't helping him either.
And Barbie-I"m glad you're going to Alanon. My oldest son is most likely an addict as well, but he doesn't steal from me thankfully. I just love him and nurture our relationship as well as I can. No tough love for me, thank you, all though I understand and do not judge when others do..
I am in the process of forming a Mothers Against The Drugwar organization, if you're interested, message me. I can also point you in the direction of other resources. No, you can't do a thing about your sons addiction, but our failed policy of drug prohibition isn't helping him either.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
alcoholism, it's like a snake lying basking in the sun
it doesn't bite until you step on it
then, all the poison seeps into you
best to carry a big stick
and hit the ground as you walk
the snakes, they feel the vibration and run
but, if you are bitten
best to cut yourself and suck
and spit the poison out
you will be weakened but not dead
spit the poison out!
it doesn't bite until you step on it
then, all the poison seeps into you
best to carry a big stick
and hit the ground as you walk
the snakes, they feel the vibration and run
but, if you are bitten
best to cut yourself and suck
and spit the poison out
you will be weakened but not dead
spit the poison out!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 237
Oh, Transformyself, I so feel what you are saying, and I was so where you were at even as recently as a month or so ago. So please take this in the spirit I intend it, which is with kindness....but until you are really ready to really be over with this man, and fully let go, I fear you will not find the peace you so desparately seek. I did what I thought were all of the "right things" for a long time...went to Al-Anon, sought therapy...and they helped, but I didn't really finally feel free until I went no contact and just....shut off my concern for my XAH. Today, I know that he is getting out of a rehab tomorrow. I did let our daughter go to a family day to visit with him with his sister. I don't know where he's going to be living. I sent him a letter asking him to not contact me, and to go through his sisters if he wants to see our daughter. I'm sure this confused and hurt him, because even though I had started no contact 2 months ago, I did so when he was drinking and out of control, and I'm sure he thinks that now that he's sober (for today) and actually completed a rehab that I will talk to him again. Of course he would think it, it's what I always did before. But I finally surrended to the fact that I am as POWERLESS over my reactions/emotions regarding him as he is over alcohol, and that the ONLY WAY I can control it is to do what the recovering alcoholic does with booze, and that is avoid it at all costs.
You seem like a very loving, compassionate person. I am too. There is a part, deep down, that still feels hurt, anger, sadness, pity, you name it for my XAH. But the only way I could attain any sort of life for myself, where waking up in the morning didn't hurt like hell each day, was to completely, utterly detach and the only way I was able to do that was no contact. I didn't want to hear this either before I was ready to. I would tell my therapist, "I don't think I'll ever be able to go no contact with him". And hell, I still hold out some hope that someday we will be able to have a friendly relationship again. But for now, for ME? I have to stay away. Maybe, just maybe, if you did the same it would help you too.
You seem like a very loving, compassionate person. I am too. There is a part, deep down, that still feels hurt, anger, sadness, pity, you name it for my XAH. But the only way I could attain any sort of life for myself, where waking up in the morning didn't hurt like hell each day, was to completely, utterly detach and the only way I was able to do that was no contact. I didn't want to hear this either before I was ready to. I would tell my therapist, "I don't think I'll ever be able to go no contact with him". And hell, I still hold out some hope that someday we will be able to have a friendly relationship again. But for now, for ME? I have to stay away. Maybe, just maybe, if you did the same it would help you too.
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