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My wife an Alcoholic - Part 2

Old 11-02-2010, 12:37 PM
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My wife an Alcoholic - Part 2

Well my wife is drinking again. Not sure how long she stayed off, if at all. She's very good at hiding it. She stopped paying with the debit card directly. She now takes cash out at the grocery store so it looks like "groceries" in the bank statement and pays cash for the booze. I had my suspicions she was doing that. I also noticed her mood at night. She very high functioning and I think she spaces out her drinking so that she can still drive the kids to their activities and not be under the influence (but I'm not 100% sure of that). I think she drinks about 1L of wine a day (starting from around 3:30pm) but again not 100% sure because she hides it well.

Recently I had a day off. She had forgotten about it which meant she could not openly drink with me around. She was okay from 3:30pm (when she comes home from work) until around 7pm when I started noticing she looked miserable (cranky). She always kept a brave smile on pretending nothing was wrong. "Just tired" she would say. We usually go to bet around 10pm. She did not want to go up just yet. She wanted me to go up to bed 1st and she'll join me afterward. I knew she needed a drink. I tried to say that no it's okay you go 1st, I'll stay up ... I'm not tired anyways. She did not like that. Anyways, I did go up and she did have a drink because she was much happier when she came upstairs.

I've been going through so many emotions. I've been crying alot ... sometimes even at work where I head for the bathroom. Imagine a 40yr old guy crying his eyes out. It's scarring the crap out of me.

I've decided to confront her this weekend (Sunday morning) because she will be sober for sure. I've written a 3-4 page letter with my thoughts feelings, etc... because I can't just say it without getting confused, especially if she interrupts me. I'm afraid of what she will say or react. My biggest hope is that she admits she has a problem. I want to hold her and hug her and tell her all will be okay. When I think of my kids, that's when the tears usually open up.

I'm prepared to let her know that I will take the kids everywhere from now on. I'm prepared to create another bank account and have MY pay deposited into it. I'm prepared to tell my kids (that will be so hard). God forbid, if I see she still does not want to admit there's a problem and I see no "real" effort to get better, I will have to ask her to leave. I love her so much but I'm going crazy. I need help too.

My letter (that I will read to her) will also contain tons of info on how to get better (websites, phone numbers, etc...).

Hopefully, my next post will be good news. (hugs, good thoughts and prayers welcome).

big sigh .... sorry for my mixed up jumbled thoughts ... I was typing as ideas came in my head with no thoughts to organization.
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Old 11-02-2010, 12:39 PM
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I am at a loss on what to say, except be strong, those kids need you. We are here for you at SR if you need help.
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Old 11-02-2010, 12:49 PM
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I'm so sorry hotpeppers.

we're here, if you need us
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Old 11-02-2010, 12:59 PM
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She obviously knows she has a problem, the fact that she hides it from you tells me this. She probably feels really guilty every time she buys alcohol, but at this point she needs it physically to function.
She needs intervention and your support. She sounds like to me that if she feels like you are on her side, she would maybe go to rehab.
I think your boundaries are good ones, the kids need to come first in line. They should not be driven around by someone who may be impaired. I am glad that you are taking this into your own hands to drive the kids. This may be all it takes to get her to admit she needs help.
How old are your kids? My oldest, when she was about 14 knew that her dad had a problem without me even telling her. My son at 12 didn't get it, I had to tell him his dad drank, only because I didn't want him getting on his exah's motorcycle.
I hope it works out for you, and that your wife will get the help that she needs. God's blessing's on your family. H
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Old 11-02-2010, 01:02 PM
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Good luck, Hotpeppers; I hope you can make some progress with her.
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Old 11-02-2010, 01:45 PM
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Hi Hadassah,

My son is 13 and my daughter 11. My son is probably oblivious to it because him and I are the one with the most in common and hang out more. My daughter though, spends more time with my wife so she might already know. My daughter although more emotional than my son keeps things bottled-up. She's such a cutie-pie ...

thanks for the words of encouragement.

I was also thinking of going to one of my wife's good friend. My wife is such a great person, always listening to people always helping but she's the one who needs help and maybe a "girlfriend" will help.
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Old 11-02-2010, 01:57 PM
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Hotpeppers,

I'm so sorry you're going through this right now.

I think that you're very brave and have your priorities straight. Please continue to post here for support and insight. I'll have you in my thoughts.
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Old 11-02-2010, 02:21 PM
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Your kids may know more than you think.

I'm sorry for all the pain in your life.

My best suggestion is to read her that letter without any expectations of her.
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Old 11-02-2010, 09:06 PM
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Your wife sound a lot like mine. She worked real hard around the house today so at 9:30pm she says she hasn't eaten all day and she's meeting a "friend" at a banquet hall (election night) to eat will be back later. What bs. I know she goes to drink. You see she deserves it cause of the hard day of cleaning the house. I have been hearing crap like that for years. It doesn't stop at 40. She come home at 2 or 3 am. They don't care. The drink means more than their marriage or family. Just when you think it's been 24 or 48 hours since the last one and maybe hay are trying to get control of themselves the selfish me me disease? Takes over. So here I sit at home alone after working all day to a wife who splits to drink and comes home in the middle of the night. It's really such a disease of selfishness that it is hard to comprehend to anyone who doesn't live with it firsthand. Work on your anger and loneliness and don't expect much from her. Sorry to sound so harsh but I'm angry now and I feel your pain. They are very clever in their ways and you are right to call her on it, if even to let her know you know what she's up to and not fooling you with her secrets. Always pisses my wife off but it gives me satisfaction to let her know I'm not the fool...good luck. We both need it
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Old 11-03-2010, 11:43 AM
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((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))

Sending you a shot of courage hotpeppers.

She may well admit she has a problem. Admitting the problem can go on for years with no change in the actual problem!

It sounds like you have some boundaries and consequences lined up that will serve to restore YOUR sanity! Be strong, keep the kid's safety and all of your long-term mental health as your #1 priority (and they definitely know way more than you think - I sure did even though my mom chose never to directly discuss my dad's alcoholism with us), they will be relieved that you finally give it a name and reassure them you are the sober parent who will always be there to talk to them and care for them, and that it is not their fault and out of everyone's control except mom's. It is not easy - and just like you do, they love her, as they should, and it is just a very sucky hand to be dealt.

Peace- bluer skies ahead I hope!
B
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Old 11-03-2010, 11:47 AM
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Please stop letting her drive your kids around!!!

Glad you're working on protecting them.
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Old 11-03-2010, 12:34 PM
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I've been through this exact situation...

...and I will share only four things, the fourth being most important. The first is for you to be prepared for any kind of reaction, including one that is worse than you can possibly imagine. To this day my wife is pissed about the intervention (and the first rehab that followed and which did not work-- but led to the second rehab which, so far, seems to be helping). I just let her be pissed.

The second is to not let your feelings be hurt if the letter you wrote and your "intervention" has no impact or does not get the response for which you are hoping. She has a disease and it is affecting her brain and her thinking-- as hard as it is try not to take her reactions personally.

The third thing, and I can't emphasize this enough, is that when you think she's been drinking she has been drinking. When you think she's hiding or stealing money, she has been hiding and stealing money. Period. You know dang well that she has been, but perhaps your desire for her to be sober, your love for her, the fact that she can still get to work, and her practiced and well-crafted lies help you to pretend she has not been, or to question your own beliefs. Don't question yourself about her drinking. You know what you know when you know it. You are right.

Fourth, get thee to an Al-Anon meeting. Six of them in the next two weeks. If you don't like one, try another. If you don't like any of them, perhaps Al-Anon isn't for you, or isn't for you right now. Unless you go to at least six meetings you haven't given it a chance.

Take care and good luck,

Cyranoak

P.s. If you haven't already lowered your expectations about what will happen after this event, lower them now. Have you lowered them? Now lower them again.

Originally Posted by hotpeppers View Post
Well my wife is drinking again. Not sure how long she stayed off, if at all. She's very good at hiding it. She stopped paying with the debit card directly. She now takes cash out at the grocery store so it looks like "groceries" in the bank statement and pays cash for the booze. I had my suspicions she was doing that. I also noticed her mood at night. She very high functioning and I think she spaces out her drinking so that she can still drive the kids to their activities and not be under the influence (but I'm not 100% sure of that). I think she drinks about 1L of wine a day (starting from around 3:30pm) but again not 100% sure because she hides it well.

Recently I had a day off. She had forgotten about it which meant she could not openly drink with me around. She was okay from 3:30pm (when she comes home from work) until around 7pm when I started noticing she looked miserable (cranky). She always kept a brave smile on pretending nothing was wrong. "Just tired" she would say. We usually go to bet around 10pm. She did not want to go up just yet. She wanted me to go up to bed 1st and she'll join me afterward. I knew she needed a drink. I tried to say that no it's okay you go 1st, I'll stay up ... I'm not tired anyways. She did not like that. Anyways, I did go up and she did have a drink because she was much happier when she came upstairs.

I've been going through so many emotions. I've been crying alot ... sometimes even at work where I head for the bathroom. Imagine a 40yr old guy crying his eyes out. It's scarring the crap out of me.

I've decided to confront her this weekend (Sunday morning) because she will be sober for sure. I've written a 3-4 page letter with my thoughts feelings, etc... because I can't just say it without getting confused, especially if she interrupts me. I'm afraid of what she will say or react. My biggest hope is that she admits she has a problem. I want to hold her and hug her and tell her all will be okay. When I think of my kids, that's when the tears usually open up.

I'm prepared to let her know that I will take the kids everywhere from now on. I'm prepared to create another bank account and have MY pay deposited into it. I'm prepared to tell my kids (that will be so hard). God forbid, if I see she still does not want to admit there's a problem and I see no "real" effort to get better, I will have to ask her to leave. I love her so much but I'm going crazy. I need help too.

My letter (that I will read to her) will also contain tons of info on how to get better (websites, phone numbers, etc...).

Hopefully, my next post will be good news. (hugs, good thoughts and prayers welcome).

big sigh .... sorry for my mixed up jumbled thoughts ... I was typing as ideas came in my head with no thoughts to organization.
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Old 11-03-2010, 01:24 PM
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The third thing, and I can't emphasize this enough, is that when you think she's been drinking she has been drinking. When you think she's hiding or stealing money, she has been hiding and stealing money. Period. You know dang well that she has been, but perhaps your desire for her to be sober, your love for her, the fact that she can still get to work, and her practiced and well-crafted lies help you to pretend she has not been, or to question your own beliefs. Don't question yourself about her drinking. You know what you know when you know it. You are right.
As an addict/alcoholic in recovery.. I totally and completely agree with this. I have never ever been accused of being drunk, high, or dishonest when I wasn't.
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Old 11-03-2010, 01:45 PM
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I've been going through so many emotions. I've been crying alot ... sometimes even at work where I head for the bathroom. Imagine a 40yr old guy crying his eyes out.
Dude, sounds totally human to me. Try not to be so sexist against yourself (((hugs))). I agree, Al-Anon. You will NEVER regret it.
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Old 11-03-2010, 02:59 PM
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Sending positive thoughts your way. I know this sucks and I hope all goes well for you.

Lots of great support and wisdom on this site.

Keep reading and posting and stay strong.
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Old 11-05-2010, 01:10 PM
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My two letters are printed (one for my wife and one for my kids)
I have so much to say that I need letters otherwise I'll forget things.

The letters contain my thoughts, feelings and tons of links to websites containing pertinent information. Yes, this website is in the letter for sure. Another website worth mentioning is: Welcome to Alcohol Help Center 2.0 | Alcohol Help Center
It is geared towards the alcoholic who wants to quit. It contains alot of helpful tips and tools.

Sunday is the big day. I'm so stressed.
Thank you everyone for your sage advice.

I'll post a "part 3" some time next week.

regards,
Hotpeppers
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