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as the days draw close

Old 11-02-2010, 02:17 AM
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as the days draw close

my AH has begun the actions i predicted of acting nasty, helpless, and doing his passive aggressive annoyances. He is due to go out of town for work some time today and I have been counting the days since Sunday when the movers came to get my things and his actions began. I realize that all this time he didn't drink because he really thought i would back down, but once my "things" left, he has realized I am leaving and will be gone when he returns from his work trip. This has caused him to climb right back into a bottle, as i know he was only staying out to try to manipulate my actions. It is all so clear to me now. I am shocked at how i never saw it before.
yesterday was the first time i felt that gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach and i wanted to cry most of the day, but held it in until i am alone and feel safe to do so. I am scared and don't have alot of money, but i have enough to get out and I think i'll find my way, once i feel safe and able to look for work, etc.
This is a sad close to a chapter that has been 20 years in the making. I am really so amazed at how much i fooled myself into believing that things may be okay one day and that I realize that was all my own personal fantasy. i wanted something that can never be. I believed in something that didn't exist, but that i saw little glimpses off and talked myself into thinking were really there! How sad was that? I thought I could help him....geez, who the heck did i think i was. I"m just an 50 something woman who is still a child wanting to be loved on the inside and needs to look within for that love, not outside to people that are unavailable!
I have felt strong and sure of myself since I made this decision to finally leave the end of August and here i am just days away from my departure and feeling a little sentimental for the first time. It is hard to believe that i can see things as they are without making things up. yesterday i realized that i was hoping, somewhere deep inside that he would be less self absorbed and show a sign that my leaving would force him to look at himself, but i see now that he will just crawl back into a bottle and continue is addictive suffering and I am so grateful that i don't have to be anyplace nearby to watch it.
I feel sad for the first time since my anger at the reality of my life and what i have allowed and put up with for so many years. I have not been beaten physically, or cheated on with another human, but i have been emotionally bullied and verbally abused, along with the secret love affair with booze that has been ongoing from the very beginning of the relationship.
I can see how i was the perfect target to be an A's wife. I was in need of someone to fix and i needed to be loved so much because of my own issues with abandonment as a child. I am grateful to finally see it, even after such a long time and even more grateful to be able to see i have choices and do something about it, though i feel a bit foolish waiting for so long, but better late than never, right?
anyway, my departing thoughts would be to the AH upside the head like when cher slapped nicholas cage in the movie "moonstruck" (if you saw it) and yell SNAP OUT OF IT! but i know that would be for not, so i will pray he leaves today so I can feel a sense of relief and stop walking on eggshells and finish my final chores to leave on Sunday!! It can't come soon enough for me!! Watching a person I care about rot from the inside out like a piece of outdated fruit is too painful for me to be around! thank gawd i have the ability to get out before i am stuck. I know what i want and I'm going to do everything i can to get it and begin by taking care of ME!!! to the best of my ability!! SR you give me strength and hope for my future, even at my age!
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Old 11-02-2010, 02:37 AM
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how timely that he's leaving and you have that little bit of alone time to collect your last things without a drunk underfoot.

you are very brave and i'm excited for you. i'm delighted that you are moving far away, that will make things much easier.

Watching a person I care about rot from the inside out like a piece of outdated fruit is too painful for me to be around!
i hear ya.
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Old 11-02-2010, 03:03 AM
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i just know the universe is taking care of me...i've always believe that if i do the right things, the right things happen and this decision has proven that to me over and over and events unfold. I am so glad to have some ME time to complete things and be sure that i've taken what i need because i know once i leave I will never see anything of mine again!
do much has happened here, though i won't make any drastic decisions for a year, in my heart i know i can never live in this house again.
Thanks naive, i read your other post and you are an inspiration and really validate that I am doing the right thing. I know that when i think about what I want and what would make ME happy, just what I am doing is the answer!! once i land, i just gotta find work because i do NOT want to be financially dependent on AH in anyway and i would never ask him for help because i never want to be that woman who is talked about while he is sitting around with his drinking buddies telling them how wonderful he is to be paying for me because i need his help!! that would be too shameful for me and leaving means just that to me-- leaving and not getting anything from him...i'm taking all that i want and will leave the rest! including him! legal papers are drawn to entitle me to half this house and confirm my ownership, the rest if of no consequence to me anymore.
I know i sound angry and i am a bit, but i need to be right now and once i am safe I can move forward through the loss and into the gain!! that would me the loss of him and the gain of ME!! sounds so exciting, really, though very scary! I can do it! i just know i can! i am too happy, kind, funny and fun NOT to be okay!!
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Old 11-02-2010, 03:11 AM
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well, we'll be right here when you land in your new place, missphit. that's one thing about SR, we're world-wide and operate in all time zones!

you can do this, you're almost out of the woods now, the clearing is just ahead...
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Old 11-02-2010, 03:19 AM
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thanks, i can actually see the light at the end of this tunnel and i can't wait to come out the other side!! it can't come quickly enough. these last days are the longest of them all. it is the same feeling i had waiting to go into labor with my kids!! how funny is that??? just waiting to meet the new person--- and THAT would be ME!!! i'm thinking this whole experience will help to keep me young at heart!! new adventure, new life, new found self!! it is all a gift...even though i hate the illness that has forced me to come to this conclusion, i believe it is thick cloud that has a silver lining for ME!!!
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Old 11-02-2010, 06:42 AM
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I"m just an 50 something woman who is still a child wanting to be loved on the inside and needs to look within for that love, not outside to people that are unavailable!
I could relate to this so much!

I think I will always be 'parenting' that child inside with abandonment issues too, my dear!

:ghug3
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Old 11-02-2010, 08:35 AM
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it is so good to know i'm not alone!! thank you. he is gone and i am almost free....free enough to continue my preparations for departure on Sunday. I hate this illness and i hate the destruction and I am so grateful to be able to break free of it!! i actually feel fortunate, though scared and i have faith in the universe! thank you all for being there!!
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Old 11-02-2010, 09:02 AM
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Today is the first day of the rest of your life.
No regrets. On Sunday, turn your head away from it and walk away. Stop "throwing pearls before swine." You are SO worth this!
There is no doubt in my mind that you are doing the right thing. I did not marry one but I have been trapped in dependent and codependent relationships with alcoholics and addicts and have had to leave them too. I have never regretted leaving them. There is a whole new healthy life for you just waiting. I am excited for you!
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