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Well, here we go again...

Old 11-01-2010, 12:57 AM
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Well, here we go again...

As some of you know, I moved out with my daughter, leaving my AH to fend for himself. We moved into our apartment last week, and AH has been coming over for visitation but also doing a lot of the grunt work, in an effort to "win me back."

He had to work on Saturday, and had barely seen our daughter in the past week due to long work hours, so I let him sleep on the couch, and then do visitation on Sunday. He got a call from his roommate--some guy he found on Craig's List--and supposedly their apartment got broken into Saturday night and our(!) TV was stolen. The guy's story is so implausible, there are no signs of a break-in. AH filed a police report, the police think he (the roommate) is the primary suspect. Oh, and did I mention the guy supposedly can't give back my AH any of the $1500 he put down for a security deposit and 1st/last month's rent. It's a cluster. So now AH is moving in with us for the next two weeks til he finds a new place and gets his money back. Uggggh.

At least since it is MY place I can make the rules. If he doesn't blow in the breathlyzer, he is out. If he drinks, he's out. But it's going to suck big time. I've made it very clear that he has to find another place to live--he gets it. It's just so hard as I was finally making a life for myself, and now it's thrown off track again.

Ugh, ugh, ugh.
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Old 11-01-2010, 03:42 AM
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hmmm...doesn't sound like a good solution, cambi.

surely, there is somewhere else he can stay...like with his family or with friends or hey, he could check into a youth hostel..

look, he picked that roommate...this is probably just the beginning of his errors in judgement which will continue to cause mayhem in his life.

i would definately re-think taking him in. you could just tell him you can't handle it right now. you did just move out afterall. and let him find his own solution. he made the mess, let him clean it up.

if not, i feel you might end up with a situation on your hands. for example, he fails the breathalyzer (which is quite likely)...you tell him to leave...he says no.

sounds like a recipe for disaster to me.
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Old 11-01-2010, 06:27 AM
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cambi
I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with all of this. It sounds like he is orchestrating a plan that will disrupt your serenity.
gentle hugs
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Old 11-01-2010, 09:00 AM
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I also went the breathalizer route. It was a lie detector and worked well. It did let me see how much I was being lied to and just how much in denial I had been. Now I realize that was the most insane period of my life.

You are in my thoughts and prayers. I know how hard it is.
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Old 11-01-2010, 10:00 AM
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So essentially you are bailing him out for a very poor choice he made, correct?

I am so incredibly grateful I don't have active alcoholism in my home. It's my safe place.
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Old 11-01-2010, 10:10 AM
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cambi-

i just reread this. if i understand correctly, your old home that you just moved out of is still paid for and available for you AH to live in?

if i understand correctly, he will spend the next two weeks looking for a place to live at which time, he will get his initial security deposit back.

is this correct?

if so, why would he need to live with you?

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Old 11-01-2010, 10:28 AM
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Originally Posted by cambi View Post
As some of you know, I moved out with my daughter, leaving my AH to fend for himself.

So now AH is moving in with us for the next two weeks til he finds a new place and gets his money back. Uggggh.

I've made it very clear that he has to find another place to live--he gets it. It's just so hard as I was finally making a life for myself, and now it's thrown off track again.

Ugh, ugh, ugh.
Pardon me in advance for being blunt, but try not to be real surprised if you have a bit more drama in the next two weeks.

And to read that last boldfaced statement, it seems as if you don't see your part in this.

We codependents are masters at evading responsibility for our actions, just like the alcoholics/addicts in our lives.

I know I've done that many times in the past.
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Old 11-01-2010, 10:34 AM
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Originally Posted by naive View Post
hmmm...doesn't sound like a good solution, cambi.

surely, there is somewhere else he can stay...like with his family or with friends or hey, he could check into a youth hostel..

look, he picked that roommate...this is probably just the beginning of his errors in judgement which will continue to cause mayhem in his life.

i would definately re-think taking him in. you could just tell him you can't handle it right now. you did just move out afterall. and let him find his own solution. he made the mess, let him clean it up.

if not, i feel you might end up with a situation on your hands. for example, he fails the breathalyzer (which is quite likely)...you tell him to leave...he says no.

sounds like a recipe for disaster to me.
his consequences not yours. When you want off the crazy train you can jump off..until then, this is the chaos that accepting active addiction in your life can create. Stop givin him a plush featherbed to land on, lady!
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Old 11-01-2010, 10:35 AM
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no idea why my phone decided to qoute naive..but hey, it bears repeating I guess. Hugs.
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Old 11-01-2010, 03:13 PM
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Originally Posted by naive View Post
cambi-

i just reread this. if i understand correctly, your old home that you just moved out of is still paid for and available for you AH to live in?

if i understand correctly, he will spend the next two weeks looking for a place to live at which time, he will get his initial security deposit back.

is this correct?

if so, why would he need to live with you?

naive
No, we moved to a new city and lived in corporate housing. We were supposed to move to a new apartment together when that housing ended. Instead, I found a place for my daughter and I, and he found a place for himself (to give a *little* credit, he did only have 2 days to find a place).

Our old home (back in our previous city far away) is rented out as it wasn't feasible to sell it in this market.

He works full-time but gives almost all the cash to me to pay the bills. I've offered to give him some $$ back so he can put down a deposit on a new place, as he's going to have to take this guy to small claims court most likely to get his money back. I'm hoping it he finds a place in less than a week.

If we were back home, I'd gladly send him to his family/extended family. But we literally know no one here. We've only lived here for two months and don't have any friends.

I suppose he could go to a shelter, but then he'd be so pissed that he'd fight me on our custody arrangements (which we've been able to maintain without establishing temporary orders in the courts). Plus, I'd feel like an a-hole as I have all the $$ and he has been really helpful with the move. He's been sober since we moved out so I guess I can deal as long as he maintains it and then is out by the 9th.

It's just annoying. And yes, I know I'm bringing it on myself.
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Old 11-01-2010, 03:18 PM
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He works full-time but gives almost all the cash to me to pay the bills.
...And there's the hook to keep you enmeshed. I had thoughts of that. Been there, done that, got that t-shirt. The financial 'security' was not worth giving up my peace of mind either.
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Old 11-01-2010, 04:20 PM
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hi again cambi-

ok, i'm just trying to piece the whole story together, so we can all work together with all of our collective experience.
  • you two own a house which is now rented in some faraway city.
  • you moved together to new city, lived in corporate housing after which you alone secured an apartment just for you and daughter.
  • AH got a roommate on craiglist, to whom he gave 2 month deposit. roommate turns out to be shady and AH doesn't want to stay with him anymore.
  • AH has now moved in with you and promises to move out quickly.
  • you originally contacted a lawyer but have not actually filed for temporary custudy order nor divorce.
  • you do not work and are wholly dependent on AH's salary.
is this correct?
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Old 11-01-2010, 06:07 PM
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I suppose he could go to a shelter posted by cambi..

you suppose?? oh dear...if you have not learned anything yet...DONT DO IT!! for your sake and your daughters....DONT!
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Old 11-01-2010, 08:10 PM
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Originally Posted by naive View Post
hi again cambi-

ok, i'm just trying to piece the whole story together, so we can all work together with all of our collective experience.
  • you two own a house which is now rented in some faraway city.
  • you moved together to new city, lived in corporate housing after which you alone secured an apartment just for you and daughter.
  • AH got a roommate on craiglist, to whom he gave 2 month deposit. roommate turns out to be shady and AH doesn't want to stay with him anymore.
  • AH has now moved in with you and promises to move out quickly.
  • you originally contacted a lawyer but have not actually filed for temporary custudy order nor divorce.
  • you do not work and are wholly dependent on AH's salary.
is this correct?
Pretty close.

Roommate turned out to be a thief who stole our TV, AH's rent/security deposit. And staged a burglary that was clearly not a burglary...according to the cops. Roommate is lead suspect but no one can prove anything.

I have filed but AH has not yet been served. I am saving $$ by not having to put any emergency temporary orders in place. We do not have family/friends here so I supervise visitation. (Which is a blast, let me tell you.) Lawyer has advised this for now as long as he is cooperative.

I work and make loads more than AH. However, it's a guy thing for him--he gives me all he makes (short of cash for gas/food/toiletries) because in his mind he should be making enough to support us (he makes decent money but about a third of what I make). I appreciate it as I was laid off and out of work for a few months and his work was slow...so we have been paying down debt accrued over that time. Plus, we have a crapton of student loans.

This is why I want to give him the deposit to get him out--I can afford to. It is easy and makes things better for me. It's also why I feel obligated to let him stay for a couple days until we can find something.

Hopefully that makes sense.
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Old 11-02-2010, 03:02 AM
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ok, i'm with the program now, cambi. thanks for the clarification.

i guess what makes me uncomfortable with this situation is that you moved out and now he is in your new place with you. you state if he blows positive in the breathalyzer, he's out.

i think it is highly likely he will drink, as they seem to drink no matter the consequences, and then you're going to find yourself with a situation on your hands. he might get angry, even refusing to go.

what if he blows positive? i don't see how you can legally make him leave.

also, i can't see the temporary informal supervised visitation working out either, if he ends up blowing positive and you throw him out. things could get ugly really fast, in my opinion.

perhaps reconsider moving forward with the courts for a temporary order. it doesn't seem like the thing to economize on. i understand your lawyer says its ok, as he is cooperating, but your lawyer might not have first hand experience with alcoholics.

from what i've witnesses here in the last two years, i think the chances of everything working out nicely without legal backing is slim to nothing.

naive
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