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How to deal with his lies and my anger

Old 10-30-2010, 08:08 PM
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How to deal with his lies and my anger

I am at loss on how to deal with various situations with my AH. He claims to be 2 months sober, but that is a complete LIE. He goes to AA meetings every day and sometimes 2 times a day, but I still don't believe that he is not drinking.

So today I suspected he drank his morning before we ran out to do some errands. However, I kept the peace and kept my thoughts to myself. He had planned on going to a 5:00pm AA meeting so he probably drank early so that he would be sober up in time for his meeting. His car has a state required ignition interlock system, so he clearly can't start his car with any trace of alcohol on his breath. He gets ready to head out to his meeting and then I think to myself that maybe he didn't drink today, since he is going to be driving his car. As he was leaving, I happen to walk outside to check on our kids and I catch my neighbor blowing into my AH's ignition interlock system. WTF! My AH goes to his meeting and comes back and swears that the only reason he had our neighbor blow into his machine was b/c he had just brushed his teeth and didn't want to set the machine off. That is the biggest bunch of bull sh*t I have ever hear. He claims that he had to blow into the machine to come back from his meeting, so that clearly proves that he hadn't been drinking. I just do not believe him. I think he didn't want to take the chance that his car wouldn't start, so if the neighbor started it for him then that would at least buy him a little bit more time.

Anyways...I am just so angry that he makes up lies like this and doesn't just fess up. Maybe I am over exageration the entire situation. Maybe he didn't drink? Either way, I am just fuming inside and don't know what to do. Do I just ignore him for the night? Discuss the situation calmly with him? Yell at him and start a fight? Make him sleep on the couch? I just never know how to deal with these types of situations?
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Old 10-30-2010, 08:26 PM
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Hi there.

I'm fairly new here and don't feel I can offer advice about what you should do, but I just wanted to say that in MY experience I now know I should have trusted my gut more in the past. IF I thought my XAH was drinking, then he probably was drinking. I had many years of feeling like I was imagining things...letting him make me think I was the crazy one for even thinking that. I know better now.

Good luck to you CoffeeLover.
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Old 10-31-2010, 09:06 AM
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Originally Posted by CoffeeLover View Post
Anyways...I am just so angry that he makes up lies like this and doesn't just fess up. Maybe I am over exageration the entire situation. Maybe he didn't drink? Either way, I am just fuming inside and don't know what to do. Do I just ignore him for the night? Discuss the situation calmly with him? Yell at him and start a fight? Make him sleep on the couch? I just never know how to deal with these types of situations?
I have come to realize that when I ask if he drank, I usually already knew the truth. I also know I will get a lie if he was drinking. I found it better to ignore him because to sit and argue only made my night worse and the only person really upset was me. It is VERY frustrating to me to be lied to. And I would ask over and over hoping he would just tell me the truth and it would never happen. I would try to focus on you because at least you are in control of your own actions. I was starting to drive myself crazy with the "did he drink, maybe he didn't drink" game.

Sorry you are going through this. (((HUGS)))
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Old 10-31-2010, 09:23 AM
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Yep, I think you were correct on the b.s. call. That sounds like something my XAH would come up with. In the end I learned that all I could control was myself and then I had to go from there and decide what I wanted for the rest of my life.
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Old 10-31-2010, 09:35 AM
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"A's" are so very clever aren't they? Too bad that they don't use all that brain power on embracing recovery instead they use it to con and work around the system.

I'd trust my gut, it never lies to me.
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Old 10-31-2010, 09:48 AM
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My only question at this point is what are you getting out of the marriage?

He lies to your face. He's still drinking. He's going to continue doing what he is doing.
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Old 10-31-2010, 10:13 AM
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I think what gets us the most about those kinds of lies is that we want to scream, "Do I look STUPID or WHAT??" It's the sheer lameness that gets me. Insulting to our intelligence.

I can't believe he had the nerve to ask the neighbor for "help"--is the neighbor a big drinker who sympathizes?

Yelling and starting a fight are not good options. As for making him sleep on the sofa, what is it you would be "punishing" him for? The drinking or the lying? Either one is a symptom of his alcoholism, and doesn't affect you directly, though it impacts your confidence in his recovery, which might lead you to rethink staying in the relationship.

I think you could calmly tell him that you don't believe his story, that it makes no sense, and leave it at that.
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Old 10-31-2010, 10:27 AM
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Remember that he is not doing this to you-- he's just doing it. My experience with my aexh is that lying to avoid confrontations is like breathing to him and often he doesn't realize that he's telling a lie, as far as I can tell. Somewhere I read that to an addict, if it could have been the truth, then it might as well be the truth, and can be presented as the truth-- that's where those "how stupid do you think I am" type fibs come from. My mistake was that I took them waaaayyyy too personally.

His drinking and dishonesty were there before I met him and they're still with him now after we're divorced. They don't have anything to do with me.

Alcoholism is his battle to fight, and when I get on the battlefield, I get hurt. Therefore, best not to go there in the first place.
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Old 10-31-2010, 10:40 AM
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three C's
you did not cause this
you can not control it
you can not cure it

this is HIS recovery....now that is said now lets focus on YOU

please find an AL ANON group near you and go...go at least 6xs and if this al anon group is not for you...? go to another one plz....it will give you the tools and slogans to help you ...read my blogs with some of the slogans...they do help and one more thing....breathe
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Old 10-31-2010, 10:54 AM
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no, i don't think you're exaggerating at all. it is possible he wasn't fit to drive and obviously, he is violating the terms of his probation.

it appears to me that it would be illegal, what your neighbor did. if it was me, i would walk over to the neighbor's and say calmly to them that if they do that again, you're going to have to report them to the police for obstructing justice. perhaps they can appreciate you are trying to keep your family safe and their action isn't helping things.

another thought, do you think your AH would get the children to breath in it for him? if so, might be time to have a conversation with the kids.

you could always report your husband also.

personally, i use to disable the car by pulling the fuses next to the battery. if you suspect he's been drinking, you could always do that.

i think the big question here, aside from his lying, is is he fit to drive if he has to cheat the interlock system? and does he ever drive the children?

and that toothpaste lie is insulting because it is so transparent.

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Old 11-01-2010, 07:21 PM
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My AH was a secret drinker. I decided I would not try to figure out if he is drinking. I focus on how he treats me, how I feel. Am I getting what I need? Do I feel safe? Do I feel loved? If not, does it really matter if he is drinking?
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Old 11-01-2010, 07:59 PM
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OK.....I know how wrong a suggestion this is.....but gosh darn it, I'm just cranky this evening!

If he has a lock on the ignition, I'm guessing it's court ordered. Maybe take a picture of him and Mr. Friendly Neighbor in the act and send it to the judge?

Yeah, I know, it's a really wrong idea......sorry
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Old 11-02-2010, 08:29 AM
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Howsit going today Coffeelover?
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Old 11-02-2010, 10:49 AM
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I cannot tell you how many DUI's I've gotten from driving with fresh breath.Oh wait I can.. none. Seriously, how insulting.Shows how sick he is. You can have compassion and detach.If you can't have compassion yet, then just detach. (Stole that from Codie No More)
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Old 11-02-2010, 11:20 AM
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The first thing I learned in Anger Management is: Lower your expectations. Accept that THIS is who you are married to. And that it is NOT going to change. The anger is doing NOTHING but making you feel bad and degrading your body's ability to fend off disease.

I have this hanging up in my office: "Remember, you can't control others, only yourself. You control who you invest time, energy and emotion with and who you distance yourself from. Your anger will NEVER control other's behaviors, values, etc. Practice being in the now with regards to joy while EXPECTING that it's not likely to last forever."
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Old 11-02-2010, 12:18 PM
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Thanks everyone for listening. I wanted to report back and let everyone know that it has been a rough couple of days. AH did not appreciate me busting him and calling him out. Therefore, he figured he might as well get trashed, which is how he reamined the entire weekend.

He decided Sunday that he needs to go to Rehab as he can't battle this on his own anymore. He is in the process of finding out where the best place would be to go and has a call into a couple of places. I'm working on finding childcare coverage while he is gone and honestly just looking for some relief.
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Old 11-02-2010, 12:40 PM
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TRAPEZE...
I liked what you had to say, and I used to say something similar to my A all the time when he was drinking and abusive/lying/conning...
I would sometimes liken him to a sociopath, and he did not like that.(who would?)
In the end, I took to saying,
"it doesnt really matter if you are or you are not a sociopath if I feel like I am being treated like a victim of one. Either way, I am getting the treatment."

thanks for the reminder
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