TakingCharge999

Been up since yesterday night. Slept an hour then worked. What I did worked only partially. Frustrated but also too tired to care right now. Have to work more, but I will put that off for tomorrow.

Went to therapy. Paid $50 to be reminded I am worth it. "I am worth everything" is the affirmation I need to repeat. Have even more therapy homework. And she asked me if I was going to suit the company. Will ask for legal advice. I have all the proof I have worked the double of what I should for a month now.

Signed the new apartment contract! I am broke as hell. But now I got a new home. I got enough for gas and some grocery tickets. I am broke but happy. It is SO very relaxing. It has space for my washing machine and a small fridge. And a place by the window where D&G will sleep...

I will get something to eat and start moving stuff over there. I feel resistence. That place is warm, cozy and beautiful. I am here in my noisy apartment, which is a mess BTW. I only want to take stuff that I love. How very appropiate for my progress, here I am stuck in a disorganized place, actually afraid of going back to my new home and spending the night there. I resist PEACE and silence, WTF!!

Perhaps its knowing I am alone as am allowed no visits. Its just me...
The good news is that I got cable TV..


I have a feeling I will rest as I have not rested in weeks.




Thanks for being out there. I may write more when I get Internet working over there. I may even take a bath, put on the gym clothes and do Yoga and Pilates the rest of the afternoon. Sounds like a good plan.

The first book I am packing is Codie no more oh, and my painting stuff. I will take my painting material first. Yes. That motivates me

ItsmeAlice

We resist change even when the change is good, right?
I have to laugh at myself sometimes. I work so hard for good changes and doing healthy things for myself and yet still I stay stuck out of fear. Why?
It is all out of fear of the unknown.
It's only dark until we turn the lights on and see what really there, right?

Don't be afraid, my friend. Serenity is calling you. Take a chance on it.

Hugs,
Alice

naive

hi tc-

first night in a new place is always a bit unsettling...just look at how animals behave when taken to a new place...it's normal....

be careful not to overdo it, tc. you don't have to move everything in a oner. if it's easier to sleep in your old place and deal with moving some stuff tomorrow, that's ok.

i like to take my time moving, if i have the luxury of a few days with both places...

hope you get some rest!

Live

I hope you get some rest!

What do you mean you are not "allowed" visitors?

missphit

congratulations on your move and new peaceful place. I am right behind you. i've gotten very little sleep and today is the day the movers are coming for my things. this time next week, i'll be following in your footsteps! thank you for showing me the way. You deserve the peaceful, cozy, quiet haven of your new place. I'll be broke right along with ya...and no job either, but i have faith that it will all work out as it should! good luck and take good care, enjoy your haven! you are not alone!!

TakingCharge999

OK- take two- my old apartment gets really noisy Thu- Sun

No longer being a martyr, I decided to go to the hospital tomorrow, then have S drop me in my new apartment.

Packing my warm pijamas, toothbrush, soap, shampoo, socks. My personal laptop to see if Internet works over there. My book to study.


I will ask him to come here feed the cats. And to bring me back on Monday.

I am nervous but I am also hopeful. I will miss the cats but I also need a break from all the noise.

And I will also need to get some basic groceries. I will have a small fridge.

Raspberries, banans, milk, tuna cans, bread. Vitamins. Medicines. Yes. I can get by with that.
Oh, my towel.

What else... mhmhmh... my glasses.

I have a basket where I put all my nicest clothes. I only want to bring the stuff I love and NOTHING WITH BAD MEMORIES ATTACHED TO THEM....

Major decluttering mode!!

TakingCharge999

I thought of something else- sketchbook.

An aunt is sending me some oil paint she will not use. My mom told me "dear, I guess God is trying to tell you something..."

TakingCharge999

Oh, Codie no more book... check!
Mobile phone
Slippers

If I am not around, I am still thinking about you all and wishing you well.

naive

what about music? headphones, ipod?

missphit

hope you enjoy your new space! i can't wait to get to mine!! Sunday is take off day!!!

TakingCharge999

Thanks naive! well I got music on my laptop.. and also there is cable TV, so Law & Order, VH music videos, here I go. Secretly hoping there is internet so I can tune in to my favorite iTunes radio stations

naive you have to check out Radio-Eclectic-Secret Agent in Soma FM

Some music is a little bit weird, but give it a chance and maybe you'll like it... jazz, chill out, ambient.... I LOVE to study to that radio station!

But yes, you are right, I will be taking my local radio just in case... I now like classical music and I know its good for study...

For now its already 630 AM... going for sleep! not sure why I am afraid of sleeping... perhaps XABF nightmares lately... but I'll just think of being there with my juicer, drinking it on the small garden before leaving for work, and being healthy again to go back to my sports...... also the chance to wake up very very early in the morning, play my favorite music, turn on dim lights and do my yoga. And saving enough to become a yoga instructor. The peace and helping others IN A HEALTHY way..... yes.......

I can't believe I am looking to the future now, it has been years since I thought about MY future. As Freedom said in another thread "I stopped surviving and started living".

Thanks naive!!

TakingCharge999

Good luck miss and be very careful while driving as these changes get us more stressed. I hope I can paste some pics. Am already dreaming about adding my own decoration. I got some inspiring images...

Ah, a king size bed so I can roll and roll and roll ..............

miss, take with you only stuff that you love, and get rid of the old and used and triggers of past times.

missphit

great advice TC....i've tried to do that, but have even shed more since i read this..there are certain things that i just adore and don't want to replace. I will be thrilled to get new items of my own choice...and i even have my very own very pink "hello kitty" bath towels!! i'm very excited to use them!! enjoy your decorating. i've been dreaming about doing the very same thing!! look forward to your reports!

naive

ok, i'll check it out. ta.

TakingCharge999

Reporting from my new place.
My back hurts. Have to go at 9 AM to the hospital so they check me at 3 PM.
Will bring my IT book with me.
Got cable TV and it seems wireless Internet is fine.
S was sad/uneasy, sensing this step is going to separate us more. It has been 3 times since I mention I need time for myself - he needs to let go. Our relation lately has been purely as friends.

Preparing things for my first bath over here...

There is already an annoying dog, but some earplugs and I'll be fine. It is not like its barking all the time its more like I'm the Silence police. Earplugs ---they are the best invention ever.

But carrots, which will be my meal tonight.
I am broke as hell. S lent me money for the cab to the hospital tomorrow.
Tomorrow they will tell me if my car is total loss.

I feel.. strange but happy I finally decided to be here.
I was worried about the cats, but its a large enough space and corners here and there, for them to have fun.
I ordered the SoftPaws.

My boss and HR called to see how I was doing.
Yesterday S read my contract and yes, there is room for me if I want to sue.
S says everybody in HR and my bosses will hate me if I do. I said it is money I have worked for and it has value.
A lawyer will check it for me.

Thanks friends for being out there... looking forward to a nice bath... I feel like crying.... it takes guts to change !!

Tally

I love ear plugs, don't know how I managed without them!

It does take guts to change and you're doing it!! The new place sounds fab, decluttering is good, deep breaths! xx

missphit

good for you! enjoy your space! hope your back feels better and you are right...it really does take guts to change. it is scary and strange, but i'm with you about it being okay...and even good!! i can't wait to begin again....almost there now. you take good care and hope things turn out okay.

TakingCharge999

Gladly my car was not total loss, and hopefully they will give it back to me by the end of this month. I will have to pay $400 and that's all. Whew!

Meanwhile this was a complicated day.

One time S came for me and met my therapist. I talked to my therapist today and she told me she was "afraid of him as he now knew where I lived" and that she was nervous and had talked with his son (30 something..), and they agreed "they had to investigate whoever was going to rent their free house and see which contacts they had".

Bottomline she made me feel like a vandal and bad person, and made many assumptions about S. Granted, S has not the best education and is from a lower social stratus. BUT from all the time spent with him, he is NOT out there seeing which house to steal. Since I met him he is working his a$$ off also on weekends and holidays and is as exhausted as I am.

I told the therapist if she preferred to rent to someone else I was OK with that and still had 2 months to live in my current apartment and can stay here. She said that no, she knew I was a good person but to start separating myself from him.

So Live, in answer to your question (after weeks I know..) the therapist does not want S, or anyone for that matter, to go there and ask for me.

I mentioned this to S. We both feel that is somehow extreme. I do not want anyone giving opinions about who goes and when and in which car and if they are trustworthy or not. .. I already have a mom.

I felt uneasy after this call. Starting to sound more like a jail. And this apartment where I can cook, wash and have my cats running around doesn't sound so bad after all evenif its more expensive.

Anyway, I will spend from tomorrow to Tuesday there as my mom is coming. I mentioned it to her as by now I am confused and can't tell who is who. She said one thing is a therapist and I just saw how she is like as a person. And perhaps in order for me to keep benefiting from the therapy I should just stay clear and keep living separately.

A messy situation but I am glad I was able to test the waters before I didn't have any other option.
Thanks for letting me vent.

TakingCharge999

RE my health, my mid back still hurts. Hope to move as less as possible.

On THU I got an appointment in REHAB. I almost laughed when they sent me to "rehab"...


Let me also mention I am planning to go into extreme saving mode, so I can just buy my own damn house...

barb dwyer

TC -

I'm not up on all the details yet (will go back and read up later)

but I LOVED the part about only taking the things that have GOOD vibes.

I don't understand about the therapist person taking over or whatever
but it sounds like you know it's a boundary
and it's just been crossed.

i have the oddest feeling
that if you decide to stay at the place you like
the means will work out for you.

((hug))) for you
because it IS hard (at first) to change.

you're choosing whatever is 'better'.

And for a while -
that means ... everything.

LOL

It gets better, hon.
It gets easier.

Andyes...
a grown woman needn't worry about telling
anyone if she decides to have a 'gentleman caller'.

That's not YOU doing anything wrong,
it's someone doing YOU wrong.

But I think your feeling ... that 'bad' feeling
is telling you that as well.

Hooray for you!!!!