TakingCharge999

Greetings

This message is for the new ones who are suffering...




2 years ago around this time I could have been "La Llorona" for Halloween, this is a typical Mexican character about a legend regarding the ghost of a woman that walked the streets crying and crying.... yes, it was my own personal hell... I couldn't believe all the lies, manipulation... I couldn't believe how quickly he moved on... I couldn't believe how different was Jekyll from Mr Hyde.

I had never known an alcoholic.



Fast forward. At this very moment I am feeling wonderful. I am tired, overworked, stressed, worried about money, etc just like anyone else these days but internally... I feel I am OK. I feel grateful. In fact I realize I love life. And get this! I am realizing life also loves me and missed me all this time I was a zombie and unable to appreciate anything at all.

I am realizing it has many gifts and wonderful moments and activities and stuff to enjoy. I was just living my fantasy and misery and was comfortable enough being a beggar in many aspects of life.

My dad is not an alcoholic but he is codependent. He hates to make waves and won't even complain if his dish is not to his liking in a restaurant. His dad abandoned the family. His mom-my grandmom- is a martyr.

His wife is codependent and an ACOA. His dad was violent and was an alcoholic that drank Oporto wine. His mom ended up in a mental hospital. To this day, she does not know if her mom lives or dies or how she is. I do not know if this is how she was, or if the mental illness after putting up with so much abuse.

My mom is codependent and a passive victim in life. It may not be the truth but this is my impression of her. She has not had a male friend, let alone partner, for 25+ years. I see resentment towards males in general. His dad was like 20 years older than his mom (my grandmom). Recently I learned he was violent to my grandmom in some way, but she forgave him and "he became a saint" by all accounts.

I believe my grandmom was not looking for a partner but for a father as well, being his partner was much older than her. And she was also a victim and what I recall of her is lots of nostalgia, sadness, suffering, crying at night. Life as a huge burden.


After this analysis I get how I behave as I behave. It is priceless to know where all this comes from. Why I act like I act and how alkie acted the way he acted. We are all just repeting our patterns without any consciousness. Its not personal. Knowing this is a huge relief.





Alcohol takes much credit for much of their behavior. I also believe the alcoholic takes too much credit about "how much they teach us". It is us that do the hard work of opening our eyes to a really sad, baffling truth and keep rehearsing the truth every day even when the world around us sends other messages. I am glad to report other people in denial no longer have power over me. I know trust my gut, feeling, intuition and experience. And I see myself and go "What a damn brave woman. Her moves are smart moves".


I think it has been amongst the first times I have thought something similar in 28 years. Something good. And actually believe it and know its true!





Fast forward. He is the same and will continue to be the same. I have accepted alcohol is the only one who matters to him, and the people that accept this, make his access to it easier. There is no love. There is only evasion, pretension and a world of hurt. Knowing this helps me cope. He is not Mr Perfect loving his girlfriend because she is more than me. That is my sickness talking and a harmful fantasy, because in my family there is depresison, there is abandonment, there is nostalgia, there is codependence.


I can stop playing. I can stop dancing. I can shed the mask and the costume... lights on now, that show is over. I feel free for the first time. The other day in therapy we burned the papers that label us. The good, the bad. I can't tell you how healing that exercise was for me. I define myself.


(Others just see reflections of themselves. That is why he told me I am his enemy, that I am boring, shouldn't depend on anyone to be happy, that I am a coward. The truth, dear XABF is that you are your own enemy, you are always doing the same thing, you depend on alcohol to "be happy" and yes, you are a coward unable to admit your own errors. This huge package is yours and I won't carry it anymore.)




I feel my irreverent, spiritual, "eclectic" self back again. I sense how I have changed and feel a security that is new to me. There is a "no, you don't have to 'fit', you don't have to convince anyone of anything, and NO, its not at all important or relevant what others think of you". I mean we all hear that over and over but its the first time I truly believe it. IT REALLY DOES NOT MATTER.



This recovery road is bringing me so many blessings, I wish I could show you how your life could be like in a couple of years. How wonderful it can be... so you realize all this is temporary, and it all has always been in your hands. And that God has always been watching over you.



When I first arrived to SR I was destroyed and contemplating leaving this world. OF course I was far from it, but the idea was getting to me often, and when I skydived I wished the parachute wouldn't open!

These days I can't get enough of my own life, I am eating what I love, listening to music that I love, seeking out the people that I love, making plans to go to places I love and I don't even want to sleep or miss any second. I had NEVER felt this way. I am looking forward to know myself more because so far I seem to be a good person with many different tastes and interests and a bright, exciting future ahead. Again, this is the first time I say something like this. And the first time I feel its true. And the first time I feel free to say it without going "oh no, I sound too full of myself, too selfish"


There is much to look forward to, hang in there and more will be revealed.
HUGS to everyone here who have made a great difference in the way I see life. Your ESH is priceless. I keep you all in my mind and heart often, and hope your days are filled with health & joy.

Tc999

missphit

well, i have to thank YOU for this post. the timing is perfect for me as i begin my separation from my AH and realize so many things. It is like i've woken up from my fantasy that i created to be able to manage, all the while walking on eggshells and loosing little pieces of myself along the way. I am slowly gaining those pieces back, though i have a very long way to go, but...and this is a huge but....I have gotten myself an apartment, I see that this all has nothing to do with me and i see that i need to step back to allow the alcoholic to manage his own journey. I thought my "job" was to take care of him and help him and thus take responsibility when it didn't work....i see that is wrong and that alcoholics like to pass that responsibility on to any accepting person who is willing to take it. NO MORE!!
The movers come tomorrow and i leave the following week. We signed legal separation papers yesterday and I am following through for the first time in 20 years, which is just amazing. The most amazing part is that I can now hear and see the sadness that is only the alcoholics and not mine because i am energetic, and fun and funny and i love life and the adventures it holds...i just don't understand how i lost all that all these years.
You are an inspiration and I am so grateful you are all here to share your ESH to help me stay strong and happy and moving forward!! I can't wait to be in my own place next week and thanks for the glimpse of what i will be able to look forward to.
I am scared, but excited at the same time. I have to find work and a way to pay my way...it isn't going to be easy, but it will be all mine!! i have a cute little place near the ocean and i'm going home...i'm so excited i don't think i can stand it. it is about time i got a chance to create my own happiness...for the life of me, i can't seem to understand how i lost that, but i am so very grateful i have the chance to have it back!!!
Thank you for this post and for paving the way!!

RollTide

Thanks, TakingCharge999 for a wonderful post. I am nearly one year past our separation and several months past our divorce. I had never been around alcoholism and I didn't know what I was getting into. It took six years before I had finally had enough and I decided that if I was going to have a life again I was going to have to make it happen rather than wait on him to get sober. It was like being in a battle and then the battle is over and you're still in the foxhole. You hear that the gunfire has stopped but you're still afraid to get out of the foxhole. And then you kind of peek out and everything looks o.k. so you start venturing out. Finally you get out and decide that the battle is over and it's o.k. to live again.

I, also, feel my spiritual self back again and it feels great. I am in awe of every day and can't wait to see what my HP has in store.

HealingWillCome

Look at you TC! Amazing. I can feel your happiness and your strength. Thanks for sharing this with us!

Kindeyes

What a beautiful post. Thank you for sharing.

gentle hugs