tryintosmile

I don't know about everyone else - but I'd like to ...

I've been in several long term relationships in my life and they never exhausted me like the one with the A has. Honestly, everything really ends up being about him. About how he wants things, about what he wants and about how it's HIS life we're living, etc. etc.

I find that everything I do ends up being on his schedule. My thoughts have become an extension of his. It's exhausting trying to do your own thinking when his keep taking over.

My biggest question here is that - do others feel as though they're stuck with a permanent child? I mean there is a normal side where he's mature in the ways of the world, work and structure, but emotionally he's demanding and exhausting and has an elevated sense of entitlement. I often feel as though I can't keep up with his demands and wonder if I just simply became lazy and if I were to do what a 'normal' wife were, he wouldn't always be so angry. Am I so skewed that I've lost my compass?

naive

yeah, mine took my time, my thoughts, my energy, my house, my car and all my money!

i find it helpful to ask myself "what do i want?" in various situations and then stick to what i want. took a bit of practice....

i remember once i was out with xABF and there was a drunk guy who's talk i found offensive. i said so to xABF and said, "let's move away from him, please". xABF said "no, i prefer to stand here."

i thought, "what do i want?"

and then i moved by myself into the next room.

i know it sounds like a tiny little thing, but it was empowering at that time.

TakingCharge999

Hi tryingtosmile. That is codependency, what you describe. When someone else becomes more important than us. Have you read Codepent no more by Melody Beattie? a true jewel.
The good news is that its in our power to feel better!! I really thought the alkie was more important, special, etc etc but now I know I am important and special too. He has his Higher power that is alcohol. I have my Higher power and its God. Its in you to make changes so you can feel better and regain yourself back. Its priceless, to feel like yourself again and get some fresh air.

Hugs!! read that book !!

Learn2Live

Yes, Yes, and Yes, to all of the above, except this:
I don't know what you mean here but in my experience, I had a broken compass. And yes, I was borrowing the alcoholic's or the addict's compass. Or anyone else's compass for that matter. I've had to build my own. Mine always points toward Peace and Serenity.

I understand completely your exhaustion. Thank you for posting every single word you wrote, I relate to them all.

TakingCharge999

naive: well done. Good exercise! I too ask myself more often "what brings me more peace?". Works well so far. I had never realized I have options. Recently I said "well I will go now" when I was in a boring reunion. Stupid for some but for me it was a huge change from before ... I believe that is called self respect.

Learn2Live

I remember the first time I consciously did this too Naive. I was at a huge event with about 200 people, in a ballroom, was grieving a recent death in the family, was made sick by the smell of the food that was brought to the table, and was even more sickened by the disgusting conversation going on amongst some of the men at the table about some very young teenage girls. I quietly and calmly got up from the table and walked out to sit outside the ballroom. Two minutes later my non-alcoholic, non-addicted BF stormed out of the ballroom, raging mad, bitching at me and calling me names, called me a ******* spoiled rotten BRAT and yelling "This is IT! We were OVER!" ... Nasty bitch that he was.

Took me a while but I finally realized that HE was the spoiled rotten brat and that I should have ENDED IT right then and there. But no, of course I had to hang on for another year and a half, and do everything and sacrifice everything to try to "make it work." Talk about beating a dead horse.

Point is: People have a really difficult time handling it when you start taking care of yourself.

Freedom1990

You've lost your compass, hon.

He's an insatiable pit of demand.

You could stand on your head and fart Mary Had A Little Lamb, and he'd still be angry about something.

You could give him a weekly pedicure, full body massage, feed him grapes, and he'd still be a man-child acting out.

Alcoholism affects everyone within its path.

It's a whirling vortex that will suck you in.

My AD drained me dry emotionally, physically, and spiritually.

Today I refuse to have active alcoholism in my home, and that includes my own adult child.

My youngest daughter, an untreated codependent, moved in with me after her ABF kicked her out a few months ago.

She's moving into her own place tomorrow, and I swear to God, as soon as she leaves, I'm cranking the stereo up and dancing wildly with joy.

His alcoholism affects her, and I get the trickle-down from her.

I was married to an alcoholic/addict too, once upon a time.

I have zero desire any more to hook up with mood-altering men.

I deserve peace in my life, and so do you, dear.

Live

:rotfxko
Freedom!!!!!

I am going to steal some of your lines!

Freedom1990

Did you like those?!! Some days I'm sharp as a marble!

naive

perfect! couldn't have said it better myself.

Still Waters

Oh yes, it is all about them.

I couldn't ever have my own headache, or my own allergies, or anything really. He always had one too, or was sicker than I was. If I mentioned I was getting an aspirin cause I had a headache, it had to be turned into about him. I finally stopped mentioning anything.

At that time I was having terrible trouble with my allergies (still am) and I couldn't even discuss it with my own husband, cause he had to make it all about him.

DMC

Oh yeah.

His definition of "exhausted" involved taking lots of naps.
My definition was 30 hours straight on my feet on a Saturday in my Level 1 Trauma Bay.

But who was just so exhausted he couldn't pick up, or do housework, or get a job?

There's a reason that the phrase "King Baby" shows up around here a lot...
You aren't alone.
I got out, and NEVER again will I put myself through that hell.

keepinon

Entiled Little Babies those alcoholics!

naive

love the "exception rule" that they also employ...

naive: "your liver must be fried"
xABF: "oh no, i have good genetics"

naive: "you can't drive. 15 pints = 30 hours until you can drive"
xABF: "oh no, my metabolism is really fast. that doesn't apply to me"

naive: "i need to get to x in the morning. i have an exam i need to sit."
xABF: "oh, i can take you. i won't drink tonight. not a problem."

naive: "they'll evict you if you don't honour the payment agreement"
xABF: "no they won't. i'll just explain. it won't be a problem."

crazy!

naive

tryintosmile

Thank you all for your infinite words of wisdom!

Thanks Freedom for making me laugh - which I do very little of. This is no party!

Thanks Naive for reiterating to me what I always hear - like 'I've only had 2 drinks' which means two wine glasses full of straight vodka which is probably about 8 shots. I know those excuses well. 'I can quit tomorrow', etc. - but it hasn't happened in 15 years.

Thanks Still Waters for bringing that home. Yep - his days are much harder than mine and therefore HE deserves to be pampered. Everything that happens to him is far worse, so he's the one who needs to be babied.

Guess the most exhausting thing for me is that nighttime is supposed to be wind down time, and as he gets drunker he winds me up like one of those spinning tops and long after he's gone to bed, my mind is still spinning.

The biggest joke is that when he's sober he tells me 'slap me when I get like that'. Yeah right - when he's in that mode there's no slappin' and even if there were, I wouldn't do it. It's just the fact that he knows he's wrong but cannot control his emotions when he's drunk, just as a child needs to learn how to be taught how to control their reactions to things. You would tell a child that they have a right to their feelings - yet they have to learn how to express them in constructive ways. You can't do that with a drunk.

I AM starting to assert myself and he doesn't like it one bit. It's hard to create those boundaries and stick to them. Perhaps my life would be easier if I just went along with all of those demands but I've refused to - which have caused even worse strife. Guess it has to get worse - before it gets better and if it doesn't you have to be ready to 'pull out'. I'm closer now than I've ever been - thanks to people like you all here - who really understand!

Bernadette

I AM starting to assert myself and he doesn't like it one bit. It's hard to create those boundaries and stick to them.

I find that the more clear I am, within myself, about my boundaries the less engaged I am w/ the As in general. The less engaged I am in their drama the more peace of mind I have.

No they don't like it and they tend to ramp up their bad behavior and challenges in order to try to force me to engage.

In an intimate relationship it is so unnatural to be so disengaged! But it is just further evidence that a full intimate relationship with an A is a sham. It is simply not possible, not real.

Peace-
B

Learn2Live

Yup. I think Floyd Garrett's website has a really good article on this, personal exceptionalism. At least, I think that is where I first learned about it.

In my family, the personal exceptionalism often comes in the form: "HE is an idiot." That is, everyone ELSE is an idiot, even IF that person never came in contact with you, does not know you, whatever. The big alcoholic in my family, our patriarch, looks at other people that way so that he always has someone else to point his finger at. It is truly a SICK way to live.

Austinchica

That's so weird . I went through the same exact thing with my ex. If I got pnuemonia then instead of him taking care of me , the focus would immediately go to him coming down with it. My ex was always "exhausted" and coming down with something and he had been clean for nine years . Same old behavior shared by everyone near an alcoholic. I use to think I was being insensitive by having those thoughts , damn can't I just be sick , just me for once ?!!!.I


I remember one night I was up with the baby and started throwing up . I couldn't stop and the baby was screaming. I had to wake up my exhausted ex to take care of the baby. I remember him watching me throw up five times i'n a row and expecting him to say ," poor baby , let me get you some gingerale." haha
He said , " you think your done throwing up ? Can u take the baby now?".
I went crazy !! One if those moments where you start realizing that things are really way more messed up than you can take and that you are the one expected to give and never get .
God, the endless giving and getting nothing back.

naive

oh, don't get me started!

i remember once i had food poisoning. xABF was...(drumroll please)...out drinking. i called him up because i was so sick so many times, i though best to have someone here in case i pass out or something...

he reluctantly came, sat in the living room, with me throwing up for an hour or so...no comforting, no damp cloth for my feverish head...

after an hour or so, it calmed down...he asked "ok to leave now?" and then said i had brought it on myself by drinking fresh vegetable juice.

(actually, it was because we were so poor by that time, i used to buy cheap food at the grocery store that was on the last sell-by-date.)

Summerpeach

Any relationship with TWO unhealthy people, will take up the energy of both parties.