kia

well finally saw the doc today and hes referred me for counselling was prob a done deal when i couldnt control the tears in front of a stranger which was so out of character for me was like me watching someone else thinking what the heck are u doing it was very surreal.So now i gotta just wait i have to have an assessment first then they deciede if i need to have counselling i would yes i do as my feeling are all over the place atm ok one min weepy the next then angry then a mixture of it all only thing i keep hanging onto is my meetings that feels like my only sanity atm.

Im also still in mid getting my things back mode after listening to some more dramas going on yesterday but well now even that felt odd though cos could feel myself disconnecting from it like he was trying to get a reaction and there just was none all i said was well ermm i dont know what u would like me to say i got all the im sorrys and i get that prob deep down he prob is and i get that he thinks in his booze brain that i could take up where she left off with all her stds and i ermm no way could i so for now the only thing thats happening is im going to fetch my things back before someone ends up setting fire to em or something.

Im trying to sort out getting to more meetings too think one a week aint enough its just one is in really rough area shootings etc and the other day time one well the train goes there but have no idea from station but i shall find out where it is and i plan trying to get to an AA one too as then maybe i can let some of this anger go that maybe i will accept this is not something hes doing personally to hurt me that he cant control it cos right now im struggling with that.

We do have an open meeting coming up and one of the speakers is gonna be from AA so that will be interesting i think.

I feel ok atm though better than i did this morning maybe cos someone listened and tomorrow im going back to pilates cos my back has really taken alot of battering lately cos the muscle strength i had isnt there anymore so will have to work hard to bring it back with my bone probs its important but lately ive just let myself go really have so back to looking after number one me xxxx

bookwyrm

I'm so glad you've been referred to counselling. It really helped me, though reaching out for help in the first place was really hard at the time. You're actually sounding a little stronger in your post. Hang in there Kia. Keep looking after you.
:ghug3

TakingCharge999

PILATES RULES!! I am so glad you are taking actions to feel better!! keep the good work up!!

dollydo

I too am glad that you are being referred to councelling, I believe that it will help you.

KerBearz

Sounds like you are taking very positive steps forward... I'm glad for you.

kia

sometimes i think i sound more positive than i feel though was chatting with a friend last nite and took offence at something they said and got in a right mood angry and very upset so went off rather suddenly cos i think i kinda expected them to be something there not its prob why i do need the counselling.

Is it a bad thing though to be the person i am i mean do i have to change me and be some sort of hard person and someone im not cos i got told that wishing someone sweet dreams was corny and sleep well was like im ordering them to have them and i saw red cos i cant change who i am and wont do i like who i am and am not gonna do that so on that rant ill leave it there

Live

I love to hear someone whisper "sweet dreams" into my ear at bedtime. It makes me feel wonderful and loved.

kia

thats just the problem the A used to do that not every nite but most nites when he came to bed and suppose now i expect it and it kinda hurt they didnt do but well ill get over it but it was a plus thing with him i suppose there had to be one there on the list and yes your right it does make u feel loved

Live

Kia,

He is like a broken gum ball machine.

You put your quarter in and it doesn't give you a gumball.
You put another quarter in and it does.
Then you put in a dozen quarters and you get nothing.

Do you keep putting your quarters in just because you got a gumball once?

Freedom1990

Gads, this is a perfect analogy of the insanity we suffer while in active codependency! Thanks, Live!

kia

yep how true and a broken one at that and i dont even like gum xxx

Live

That's funny Kia...now you have me laughing!

Freedom....I can't take credit...I read it somewhere about being with unavailable (can't give love) men. but glad you like it.

Live

That's funny Kia...now you have me laughing!

Freedom....I can't take credit...I read it somewhere about being with unavailable (can't give love) men. but glad you like it.

and it has a typo!!!

kia

well its true i dont knew i had to get there in the end and make u laugh xxxx

Live

(((((((((((Kia)))))))))))

Honestly, gal, I have just about run out of new ways to say the same old thing.
It is to the point where I am nagging and I don't want to be a nag. It's a bore and it's a violation of both our boundaries.

Freedom1990

Kia, the concept of changing yourself isn't to make yourself hard.

It's to discover the maladaptive thoughts and behaviors that have brought you pain in your life.

I love both of my daughters-one a codependent, the other an addict-but I don't wish to get entangled in their dysfunction.

Does that make me hard? I don't think so. What I've learned is to develop healthy boundaries, change my dysfunctional beliefs, and take care of myself first and foremost.

From all of your posts I've read, it appears that you've never really developed healthy boundaries and stuck with them.

You still maintain contact with the A.

You have no sense of self, and so you are knocked off balance easily.

I've been there and it's miserable and painful.

You are a child of God, and I truly pray you come to see that some day.