Some things never change
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Some things never change
Some things never change and I have a ways to go it seems.
Xah is moving out of state. He asked if he could come over to my house several evenings over the next week or two to see the kids. His house is empty. A month ago he was actually stopping to throw the kids' stuff in the front yard at drop off and not even taking advantage of half the visitation he had but OK - I say yes. He tells them he'll be here Wed after school, eat supper, stay until bedtime. He has asked to stay over before and I did have the sense to say no to that. So they pick a meal they think he'll like and get a movie to watch with him. I don't usually allow movies on school nights.
Not shockingly he calls at 8pm to say he's at the bar, had a 'slip' with quacking I didn't listen to, but wants to come over. Um, no. Come back tomorrow after school.
He shows up anyway! I let him in rather then make a scene. I was shocked. I moved 30 minutes away for a reason but it has been a year since we separated. He was actually at the bar in the town I live in so only minutes away. I wasn't prepared. I am now. If it ever happens again, I'm making a scene and not let him in. He had to much to drink, chose this time to tell the kids he was moving away, etc.
Why wasn't I stronger? I should not have let him in. I should have stuck up for myself and protected my home.
My 11yo cried half the night. He's so sad to see his dad go. It is devastating for them but I'm glad. I'm happy about it - is that totally evil of me. :sigh: There is so much less for me to contend with if he is out of state. He wants us all to fly out and see him over Christmas. I don't know what to do with that. I said I needed time to think about it.
Nothing new here I guess. Just felt like getting it out and I no longer talk about this stuff with IRL person because she just goes off on what i should make him do or how I should do this that or the other or I'd better not do this that or the other. To exhausting.
Xah is moving out of state. He asked if he could come over to my house several evenings over the next week or two to see the kids. His house is empty. A month ago he was actually stopping to throw the kids' stuff in the front yard at drop off and not even taking advantage of half the visitation he had but OK - I say yes. He tells them he'll be here Wed after school, eat supper, stay until bedtime. He has asked to stay over before and I did have the sense to say no to that. So they pick a meal they think he'll like and get a movie to watch with him. I don't usually allow movies on school nights.
Not shockingly he calls at 8pm to say he's at the bar, had a 'slip' with quacking I didn't listen to, but wants to come over. Um, no. Come back tomorrow after school.
He shows up anyway! I let him in rather then make a scene. I was shocked. I moved 30 minutes away for a reason but it has been a year since we separated. He was actually at the bar in the town I live in so only minutes away. I wasn't prepared. I am now. If it ever happens again, I'm making a scene and not let him in. He had to much to drink, chose this time to tell the kids he was moving away, etc.
Why wasn't I stronger? I should not have let him in. I should have stuck up for myself and protected my home.
My 11yo cried half the night. He's so sad to see his dad go. It is devastating for them but I'm glad. I'm happy about it - is that totally evil of me. :sigh: There is so much less for me to contend with if he is out of state. He wants us all to fly out and see him over Christmas. I don't know what to do with that. I said I needed time to think about it.
Nothing new here I guess. Just felt like getting it out and I no longer talk about this stuff with IRL person because she just goes off on what i should make him do or how I should do this that or the other or I'd better not do this that or the other. To exhausting.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
don't beat yourself up, thumper. i actually think you did quite well, considering he totally disrespected your bounderies.
sounds like he was going to come over, as he had already done the travel.
unfortunately, he stopped to have a couple of drinks. that's how alcoholics handle stress...and i imagine telling his children he's moving is stressful. i'm not condoning his behavior, but if you had blocked him at the door, there is some chance he wouldn't have come back to tell the kids himself or a scene could have resulted that might have been worse for everyone's emotional state...i.e. police, neighbors, smashing down doors, whatever.
plus, you were caught off-guard.
i think you did well, everything considered.
naive
sounds like he was going to come over, as he had already done the travel.
unfortunately, he stopped to have a couple of drinks. that's how alcoholics handle stress...and i imagine telling his children he's moving is stressful. i'm not condoning his behavior, but if you had blocked him at the door, there is some chance he wouldn't have come back to tell the kids himself or a scene could have resulted that might have been worse for everyone's emotional state...i.e. police, neighbors, smashing down doors, whatever.
plus, you were caught off-guard.
i think you did well, everything considered.
naive
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: -
Posts: 118
I think that you did well too.
I totally have been there. I always wanted to believe my alcoholic when he said he wanted to spend time with our sons.I found that he liked to create drama.
I'm so sorry for your children. I know that has to be hard to hear that Daddy is moving away.
I also totally understand your relief that he's moving. You are not alone.
(((((hugs)))))
I totally have been there. I always wanted to believe my alcoholic when he said he wanted to spend time with our sons.I found that he liked to create drama.
I'm so sorry for your children. I know that has to be hard to hear that Daddy is moving away.
I also totally understand your relief that he's moving. You are not alone.
(((((hugs)))))
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
I'm with Naive and Cymbal, Thumper: you did really well.
You're not evil. You're an amazing woman and a great mom! Please don't be so hard on yourself about being happy to have more distance between you and XAH. I think it's only normal to be happy about having more space to work on our own recovery and focus on ourselves and children. It's incredibly hard to do either when an A is in the picture.
Bleh. Glad you're able to come here and 'talk' to us.
Take gentle care of yourself, Thumper. Give your kids a big ole hug.
Originally Posted by Thumper 
It is devastating for them but I'm glad. I'm happy about it - is that totally evil of me. :sigh: There is so much less for me to contend with if he is out of state.
Originally Posted by Thumper
Just felt like getting it out and I no longer talk about this stuff with IRL person because she just goes off on what i should make him do or how I should do this that or the other or I'd better not do this that or the other. To exhausting.
Take gentle care of yourself, Thumper. Give your kids a big ole hug.
Awakening
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Beautiful Texas hillcountry
Posts: 1,272
Originally Posted by theuncertainty
You're not evil. You're an amazing woman and a great mom! Please don't be so hard on yourself about being happy to have more distance between you and XAH. I think it's only normal to be happy about having more space to work on our own recovery and focus on ourselves and children. It's incredibly hard to do either when an A is in the picture.
I don't feel one speck "evil". After all, I didn't cause/make her move away, it's what she needed to do to protect her disease. I consider it just a happy twist of fate.
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
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