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Shouldn't have

Old 10-26-2010, 03:53 AM
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Shouldn't have

But before I left Detroit several weeks back, I 'outed' my ex's girlfriend/bff/drinking/using buddy.

Revenge, pure and simple, she'd been attending AA meetings, my home group actually, for a period of time, it wasn't 'taking'-per my ex-around the middle of August she got hammered, per what the ex told me-she was there apparently-at a Kid Rock concert, then collected her one year token at the regular open meeting at the end of the month.

So I went to the Friday night meeting the day before I left town-she wasn't attending, out hanging out in the bar with my ex-and walked up to her sponsor and ratted her out.

I apologized to her sponsor afterward, it was none of my business, and I can't even claim good motives, it was revenge, pure and simple.
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Old 10-26-2010, 04:28 AM
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I understand your frustration, but you know as well as I do that her business isn't yours. I too would feel tempted. You are human.

What are the ramifications to the bff?
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Old 10-26-2010, 04:45 AM
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Originally Posted by MissFixit View Post
I understand your frustration, but you know as well as I do that her business isn't yours. I too would feel tempted. You are human.

What are the ramifications to the bff?
Who knows? Her sponsor was pissed, I'm guessing she was pissed at me.

The codie in me would say something like 'maybe it was for the best' as if anything I said could change anything, and mitigating my own responsibility.

Shouldn't have said anything.

I would assume that possibly her sponsor-who's pretty level headed and has a lot of time-would approach her sponsee on the subject but not sure how that would work out, and it really isn't any of my business.

I guess in a perfect codie world the bff would have an epiphany, get up in front of the group and apologize, and finally get it.

In my dreams......
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Old 10-26-2010, 04:54 AM
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hi sailor-

well, if we work the 12 steps ourselves, then it would appear to me that your next step would be to take ownership of what you did and take immediate steps to make amends...and apologize to the bff...

ouch!

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Old 10-26-2010, 05:01 AM
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That would be difficult, being in Iraq and not knowing how to contact this person aside from contacting my exachgf, and that would probably not be a good idea with the 'no contact' rule.

And, 'unless it would injure them or others'. I have no idea if her sponsor has said anything to her about it, telling the bff might cause her to skip meetings, even if she isn't 'getting it' that might not be a good thing.

I will have a chance-hopefully-to offer a face to face apology sometime next year, maybe in the spring, not planning on setting foot back in the US again this year.

So it will have to wait for now.
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Old 10-26-2010, 05:07 AM
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i see.

sometimes, when i'm in a situation where i am harboring resentment towards someone and need to apoligize, but can't for whatever reason, i do a visualization...

i go into meditation and once i hit my clear spot, i bring that person into my mind's eye. and then i give them something...for me i use a flower...

now, many time, i have so much resentment towards them that i find it almost impossible to do this. in that case, i bring in someone else we both know into my minds eye, and i give them the flower and ask them to give it to the person i need to make amends with.

it goes a long way for me to clearing the energy and trying to nuture forgiveness.

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Old 10-26-2010, 06:05 AM
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Originally Posted by sailorjohn View Post
And, 'unless it would injure them or others'.
Dd you cause harm?
What about her security, ambitions, personal relations?

Dude, call your sponsor.
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Old 10-26-2010, 07:01 AM
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Originally Posted by Spirit08 View Post
Dd you cause harm?
What about her security, ambitions, personal relations?

Dude, call your sponsor.

Not sure if a sponsor would be able to answer that question either.

As I mentioned, the only way to contact this person is to:

A. Quit my job and fly home to apologize

B. Contact my ex-whom I'm trying to maintain no contact with.

And now we're getting into a purely speculative realm here, since none of us know exactly what transpired after I told this persons' sponsor.

And, my sponsors advice would be to avoid contacting my ex at all costs.
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Old 10-26-2010, 07:09 AM
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For me, the questions would be, Why did I do that? How do I feel, or feel about myself, as a result? Did my actions get me what I needed? Or did my actions stem from old, sick ways of thinking?

Are you sharing because you feel guilty or something SailorJohn?
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Old 10-26-2010, 07:26 AM
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You were in Detroit? Next time hit me up, all though you know I won't be that Angel on your left shoulder giving you **** about outing the cheating girl. I'd have helped out.
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Old 10-26-2010, 08:02 AM
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Originally Posted by transformyself View Post
You were in Detroit? Next time hit me up, all though you know I won't be that Angel on your left shoulder giving you **** about outing the cheating girl. I'd have helped out.
I'll send you an email and a friend invite.

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Old 10-26-2010, 08:30 AM
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Well we all blow it sometimes, don't we. You know it or you wouldn't have posted it. Do what you feel you need to do. I am sure you have learned a lesson from it.
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Old 10-26-2010, 10:44 AM
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Sounds kind of sick and deranged.......and who is the one with the problem????
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Old 10-26-2010, 09:45 PM
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Hi sailor.
The need for revenge is great sometimes.

When I feel it I try to remember this affirmation
"I trust divine justice"

Better learn from it and move on..and stay no contact.

BTW now that I am here, THANK YOU, SAILORJOHN because you have helped me a great deal. I still remember many of your words to me.
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Old 10-26-2010, 11:25 PM
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You feel you did wrong. Learn from it and try to forgive yourself. Let it go. Turns out you're only human!! Progress not perfection.
:ghug3
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Old 10-27-2010, 07:55 PM
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Ouch.

No, you shouldn't have. Probably nothing you can do by way of direct amends--at least until/unless you know what happened as a result. For all you know, her sponsor said nothing to her--the sponsor might have taken it with a grain of salt and decided unless she came and fessed up, to leave it alone.

In this instance, maybe you can make an amends indirectly by deliberately doing something kind and helpful for someone you don't particularly like. Going out of your way to extend a hand or lend an ear to someone who annoys you or has harmed you in some way. Just a thought. Might be a good exercise.

You could, however, apologize to the sponsor when you see her.
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