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My trigger / his lies

Old 10-25-2010, 07:36 PM
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My trigger / his lies

I haven't been here for awhile and I missed this place/forum/friends here.
My life has become much happier and filled with more good than ever before. I owe it to change, which came from my participating in my own recovery. I'm so very grateful.
The part that has not changed is I still have to occasionally work with my ex. I have a huge resentment each and every time he opens his mouth, because everything he says, well if his mouth is moving he's lying. Tonight I became the crazy lady in about 2 seconds flat. From happy, to cookoo. I am not proud of my behavior. I don't know what I would do if someone yelled at me and called me all kinds of names, which is what I did to my ex-abf . I'm further aggravated because I allow him to push my buttons, without realizing what is happening I'm full tilt whacko screaming meemmee. I thought maybe I owed him an apology, but mostly I feel he deserved what I said and more, because he is a liar and a thief and I know it and so does he.
What do you think? Should I apologize for my loud and accusing behavior toward him? Do I owe him anything?
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Old 10-25-2010, 08:00 PM
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So you told the truth, but a bit on the loud side?
Maybe someone should let him know that pushing buttons can be VERY dangerous, and if he doesn't like your reactions he needs to stop pushing.

Maybe he should use his button pusher on himself. keep his and he won't end up

Do you owe him anything?

Heck Serene, please don't tempt me.
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Old 10-25-2010, 08:48 PM
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Whew

Thanks Jadmack! I called the owner of the business that I manage and told him I can no longer deal with him as an ex or an employee, he understood and told me I can find another repairman. Yippee!
If anything the ex owes me an amends, but I'm not holding my breath.
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Old 10-26-2010, 01:52 AM
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Jadmack, ordinarily I love your hardline stance, however
Maybe someone should let him know that pushing buttons can be VERY dangerous, and if he doesn't like your reactions he needs to stop pushing.
is akin to the "nagging" defence that abusers use. Double-standards don't get us anywhere.

Serene, you know you were out of order and, if it is safe to do so, I would always advocate apologising for the manner of your delivery in situations like yours. However, your solution of finding another repairman is excellent. Are you getting any help to work through your resentments?
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Old 10-26-2010, 05:01 AM
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I would always advocate apologising for the manner of your delivery in situations like yours.
i'm with bolina. i've been in the same situation with xABF where he is lying or whatever crummy thing he's doing and my response to him sometimes have been cynical, superior, and well, just plain mean.

it helps me to remember: say what you mean, but don't say it mean.

i would take the higher road and apologize for screaming at him.

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Old 10-26-2010, 07:26 AM
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The question, as I see it, is not what you owe your exbf, but whether or not you are working a codependency recovery program.

Twelve Steps of Ala-non

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
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Old 10-26-2010, 07:41 AM
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Tonight I became the crazy lady in about 2 seconds flat. From happy, to cookoo. I am not proud of my behavior. I don't know what I would do if someone yelled at me and called me all kinds of names, which is what I did to my ex-abf . I'm further aggravated because I allow him to push my buttons, without realizing what is happening I'm full tilt whacko screaming meemmee. I thought maybe I owed him an apology, but mostly I feel he deserved what I said and more, because he is a liar and a thief and I know it and so does he.
If I tried to recount to you the number of times I have done this exact thing, you and I would be sitting together for quite a long time. I do not know what it is, I do not know why, all I know is when I associate with addicted and alcoholic people who are in a certain type of relationship with me, I go absolutely ballistic. Dealing with them and their $hit just sets me off and I become an enraged lunatic. It started when I began living in the same house with my alcoholic, addicted brother (we lived together during our 20s) and has occurred in a couple relationships but only with alcoholic and addicted people. I do not act this way this with my alcoholic Dad, though, for some reason (not sure what that reason is).

Here is my solution to this problem: I do not involve myself with (and therefore rarely talk to) alcoholic and/or addicted people who are not in Recovery. Whether or not whatever is between us is "my fault," or "their fault" does not matter (And this is why I believe people who have to find fault in interpersonal relationships are sick). In fact, anymore, NOTHING else matters--ONLY my peace and serenity. I do not banter back and forth with anyone anymore about difficulties between us. I do not argue with people when they try to come up with excuses for their bad behavior, when they point their fingers at me, when they blame me outright, when they explain themselves till the cows come home; I participate in NONE of that ANY longer. I don't really care if they are drinking or not, drugging or not, going to meetings or not, seeing a therapist or not. I don't care if they judge me, hate me, tell the whole entire world what I did or said, or turn all my friends against me. No more.

So, I think you did the right thing by communicating that you cannot work with him.

What do you think? Should I apologize for my loud and accusing behavior toward him? Do I owe him anything?
I have apologized for my abusive behavior, yes. Did it accomplish anything for THEM? No, it likely just made them feel justified in THEIR bad behavior, allowed them to blame me all over again in their minds. Do you owe him anything? That is up to your own conscience. Trust your instincts, follow your heart. If YOUR heart says apologize, then do so.
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Old 10-26-2010, 07:46 AM
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One more thing. This (to me):
I thought maybe I owed him an apology, but mostly I feel he deserved what I said and more, because he is a liar and a thief and I know it and so does he.
Is the difference between my conscience (my heart) and my habit of judging others. The truth may very well BE that he is a liar and a thief. If so, I take the steps necessary to protect myself from that person. I set up and enforce healthy boundaries. But if I continue to JUDGE, I feel badly. So, I try not to do that any more. It is much easier not to judge. Judgment is right up there with blame IMO. When I finally got myself to the point where I could love the person from afar, not judge and look down my nose at him, and appropriately protect myself from his behavior, I KNEW I had grown up. It is a wonderful feeling.
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