Am I starting in the right place?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 54
Am I starting in the right place?
My boyfriend and I have been together for 9 months. Due to his job, we certainly have not had a 'normal' 9 month relationship, i.e., dating, etc. He has recently left that job under circumstances that were to provide him w/a place to live and employment. These 'plans' have been delayed, for how long is unknown.
I am raising 2 daughters and my goal, as is their father's is to raise them to be moral, productive and decent adult women, therefore, my boyfriend and I know that until my daughters are grown, he and I will not have a 24/7 relationship. We will not live by immoral means meaning he and I will not be living together, no 'sleepovers'. Through some spiritual being, we know we are meant to be together, and we will be, even if it means waiting 10 years. In hindsight, a 10 year plan is not a bad plan. It gives me the chance to continue to raise my daughters as I have been doing, and now with his 'revelation', it gives him a chance to set himself on the right path, set himself in the direction of employment and stability that he desires.
The 'revelation' is this. He hit rock bottom last week. Because our time together is always brief (a couple of hours a day maybe 5 days a week), I was never sure if he was truly alcoholic, but I suspected. He was completely down and out 3 days ago, no work, no place to live, he wasn't sure where to seek help. Within 24 hours, he found himself in AA meetings, and checking into a VA hospital for assessment and as of this morning, he has begun an inpatient program. He said he realizes that he needs to do this in order to have a healthy relationship with me. I had to be sure he was doing this for himself first, and not for us, because who knows where either of us will truly be in 10 years and I certainly don't want him to base his future or his (hopeful) success solely on "us". The only thing/advice he could give to me was to attend Al Anon meetings.
His drinking has not affected our relationship. He was never a horrible person towards me but again, perhaps it is because thus far, we have spent minimal amounts of time together (we have had perhaps 5 full days together). He's doing this so that when we are finally together as a couple, drinking does not interfere and in the meantime, make himself into a successful and productive human being. Therefore, my question is this: Is Al Anon still the right place for me? It's not so much that I need help in coping with him and his disease (it's really had no effect on me so far), I know it's not about distancing myself from him, but from his illness, but, I want to do something to better understand what he is going through and to get some guidance on how to help him.
I realize this message is rambling, I apologize. I'm only trying to put out all of my thoughts, concerns and question in an attempt at clarity. I have found a meeting to attend, will it help me, help him?
Thank you.
I am raising 2 daughters and my goal, as is their father's is to raise them to be moral, productive and decent adult women, therefore, my boyfriend and I know that until my daughters are grown, he and I will not have a 24/7 relationship. We will not live by immoral means meaning he and I will not be living together, no 'sleepovers'. Through some spiritual being, we know we are meant to be together, and we will be, even if it means waiting 10 years. In hindsight, a 10 year plan is not a bad plan. It gives me the chance to continue to raise my daughters as I have been doing, and now with his 'revelation', it gives him a chance to set himself on the right path, set himself in the direction of employment and stability that he desires.
The 'revelation' is this. He hit rock bottom last week. Because our time together is always brief (a couple of hours a day maybe 5 days a week), I was never sure if he was truly alcoholic, but I suspected. He was completely down and out 3 days ago, no work, no place to live, he wasn't sure where to seek help. Within 24 hours, he found himself in AA meetings, and checking into a VA hospital for assessment and as of this morning, he has begun an inpatient program. He said he realizes that he needs to do this in order to have a healthy relationship with me. I had to be sure he was doing this for himself first, and not for us, because who knows where either of us will truly be in 10 years and I certainly don't want him to base his future or his (hopeful) success solely on "us". The only thing/advice he could give to me was to attend Al Anon meetings.
His drinking has not affected our relationship. He was never a horrible person towards me but again, perhaps it is because thus far, we have spent minimal amounts of time together (we have had perhaps 5 full days together). He's doing this so that when we are finally together as a couple, drinking does not interfere and in the meantime, make himself into a successful and productive human being. Therefore, my question is this: Is Al Anon still the right place for me? It's not so much that I need help in coping with him and his disease (it's really had no effect on me so far), I know it's not about distancing myself from him, but from his illness, but, I want to do something to better understand what he is going through and to get some guidance on how to help him.
I realize this message is rambling, I apologize. I'm only trying to put out all of my thoughts, concerns and question in an attempt at clarity. I have found a meeting to attend, will it help me, help him?
Thank you.
Queen of one liners
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: walking beside you! Not in front of you.
Posts: 658
Chalkie
Welcome to Sober Recovery and hopely to Al-Anon....
If this man told you he had some new disease would you not study it, reseach it, and learn ways to deal with it...To what lengths would you go to know all there was to know about it? Please do the same with the family disease of alcoholism....for your sake as well as his....
Again welcome....read the power posts at the top, keep posts, we're here for you as well as ourselves....
Love and prayers from one who cares,
Welcome to Sober Recovery and hopely to Al-Anon....
If this man told you he had some new disease would you not study it, reseach it, and learn ways to deal with it...To what lengths would you go to know all there was to know about it? Please do the same with the family disease of alcoholism....for your sake as well as his....
Again welcome....read the power posts at the top, keep posts, we're here for you as well as ourselves....
Love and prayers from one who cares,
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 54
Thank you for your reply Daffodil and you're right, if it were any other disease, I would research it, read materials, ask questions (as I'm doing here) to learn all I can to help him. You mentioned to "learn ways to deal with it". I guess that's part of the problem as I haven't really had to deal with it, to this point, it hasn't affected me as I was never sure he is alcoholic and other than having a couple of beers, really had no confirmation through other mannerisms. He is the one that came to the realization that he is an alcoholic, he's traced the genetics and is familiar w/the patterns of family members. Until he told me (completely unexpected) that he was checking himself into rehab, alcoholism was only a lingering thought, not a concrete fact.
I still intend to attend a meeting tomorrow. I guess I'm afraid of being discouraged, not getting from it what I'm hoping to get out of it.
I still intend to attend a meeting tomorrow. I guess I'm afraid of being discouraged, not getting from it what I'm hoping to get out of it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 54
I've read some of the Power Posts, is it possible I've been co-dependent w/out even being aware? I only answered yes to 4 of the questions, perhaps because of the limited time we spend together, this man is not totally ensconced in my life, or the lives of my children so many do not apply.
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Join Date: May 2002
Location: San diego, CA, USA
Posts: 86
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