Really tough day
 

Today is my 13th anniversary, and AH has been out of the house for 6 weeks now. I thought I had prepared myself emotionally for this day, but it's hitting me like a ton of bricks. In my head I am certain that it's best to end things with him, but I'm still waiting for my heart to catch up. I still have all the wonderful memories of our life together before the disease starting catching up to him, and even now the good still seems to sometimes outweigh the bad.

AH is kind, loving, sensitive, supportive, a great dad, funny, charming, and irresistably handsome. He's also irresponsible, a liar, unreliable, and recently has come to rely on the attention of other women in order to boost his horrible self-esteem.

I've started making lists of all the things I won't miss about being married to him, and all the bad things that have happened in our marriage, but I always end up getting caught in the trap of remembering what a great guy he is underneath it all and how much fun I've had with him over the years. I feel like he is two completely different people. One I love more than life itself, and the other I need to run far away from. I am terrified of a life without him, and even more terrified of living the rest of my life with him.

Since I've started reading here, I keep seeing stories of people who's lives have been filled with peace and calm once they've broken free of their alcoholics. Still waiting for that peace to come. I still love him and miss him terribly and hate what this disease has done to us and our family. I keep thinking of our wedding day and how much love we shared. I never wanted to be divorced, even now, and am having a horrible time coming to terms with it. :(

I am so sincerely sorry HurtingAgain. I know exactly how you are feeling and have felt and said the same things myself, about several different people. For me, it all starts with my Dad who is exactly like the person you are married to. He is one great guy, who is the sweetest, kindest, most loving, caring, funny person you have EVER met. He would literally give you his last possession on earth. But he is a mean, nasty, irresponsible, fall-down drunk. They really ARE two different people.

But listen, I know you are terrified. I know that feeling and I have felt that feeling and I promise you, if you work a program, and you start surrounding yourself with supportive people who have nothing to gain from using you, and you start really focusing on yourself and making your life better, it WILL get so much better and you will no longer be terrified.

one of the LEAPs forward I made was when I finally understood that although AH seemed like 2 different people, there was only one, and that was the person who chose to exhibit all of those behaviours, the ones I liked and the ones I didn't. splitting them off into 2 people was a way of keeping my denial, I loved the "nice" once, but loathed the "nasty" one. However, when I got that he was the whole package not a lovely person "underneath" a curse, and that even if he stopped drinking he would have to go through an enourmous amount of attitude chnaging therapy to change the way he thought and behaved so that his default behaviour changed, I was able to seriously examine what it was that I loved, what did I feel love about? memories? No-one is nasty or horrible or disgusting all of the time, for all of their life. I have fond memories of my first love, of things from my childhood of college, they are not part of my life now becasue I have grown forward and they are no longer what I need or what sustains me, that deosn't take away from what used to be, but nor should it limit my present and future.

Ceridwen said so eloquently what I was thinking.

Grief and sadness are all very much a part of the process. I also had to accept that there was no way to avoid that part. It was natural. It was normal. It didn't mean I was wrong.

Hon, as long as you continue to work your own program of recovery, that peace will come, I promise.

I used to get it in bits and pieces, like a butterfly would land on my arm and just stay there for a few minutes, beautiful! I could feel that peace! Then it would be gone, but that brief experience would give me hope!

As I've continued to progress in recovery, it is more commonplace for me. :)

Grief is a process, and divorce brings grief, my dear. Be gentle with yourself. :hug:

Well he called tonight, and told me that he knows it's been a rough day for me, I've been a wonderful wife, and the only thing he would have changed in the past 13 years is his treatment of me. It was nice to hear, but I need to be careful because it's very easy to be sucked in by those little crumbs that they throw out.

He hasn't been pressuring me to allow him back, but has asked that I hold off on filing for divorce for now. He told me that he doesn't want to cause me any more pain and that he needs to focus 100% on maintaining his sobriety before he can even begin to try to repair the marriage. He said he wants me to be happy whatever I decide, and that he hopes I'll still be there in the end, but that he will understand if/when I choose to move on.

Sadly, I would wait around forever if I knew in the end that I would get my sober husband back. But since there are no guarantees, I know I need to do my best to get through one day at a time and work on my own recovery right now. For now, I feel some relief in knowing that I don't have to make lifelong decisions THIS MINUTE. Eventually I may get to a place where I don't want him back, sober or not. I find myself trying to force the answers because I feel so helpless and out of control not knowing exactly where my life will take me. But I guess that's how I ended up in this crazy, co-dependent cycle to begin with!

For today, I can just be grateful that I made it through this really tough milestone, and grateful for my friends and family who have been supporting me along the way, as well as all of my new friends here. Thank you.