Babyblue

I'm stuck. I am having such a hard time of letting go and yet I know I need to for now. I want to write him and hear from him. Haven't yet. Still early on in his rehab program where they aren't allowing calls. But I can't sit and wallow for many many months. How unhealthy is that?? I am trying. Then something will happen and I feel the need to talk to him but I can't.

Today some homeless lady was verbally harassing me because I asked her to please not bother my elderly parents. I was sort of scared and got anxious. Suddenly I felt very vulnerable and he was the first person I thought of because when I am feeling like this, his gift is in being supportive and comforting. But I can't call him. So now I feel sad again. I feel that empty spot where he was. I want to keep him in that spot but right now he seems so far far away. I struggle with being optimistic that everything will be wonderful when he is out vs. he will stay distant.

Either way, I need to focus on myself and I am trying but I can't seem to get up the motivation. And I hate that I can't talk about him with anyone because no one I know has experience with having someone in recovery as a bf. Then they judge, etc. So I've been stuffing it all in and that just compounds my isolation. I may try al-anon again but the groups in this area are very large and impersonal. At least I have SR.

Weekends are so hard. Ugh.
Thanks for listening.

LexieCat

The groups may be "large and impersonal" at first, but if you keep going, you will make friends, get phone numbers of other people you can call when you need to calm down, and get a sponsor, who will help you with the Steps and probably help you plug into this new network.

bookwyrm

Have you tried journalling? Writing it all out helps me - there is something cathartic about it. Its like talking to myself without looking crazy! Write to future you about how you feel - I'm sure you won't judge you.
:ghug3

missphit

i keep a journal too! it really does help. i hope you can find a way to continue going to meetings and giving it a chance. in time you'll make friends and find supportive people that will be there to "hear" you when you need it and you will be able to be there for them too. good luck and know you are doing a great job.

Babyblue

Thanks everyone. I do journal. It is the one thing I really keep up with because it is a place for me to pour it all out.

Quite surprisingly, I got a message from him on my voicemail. I didn't hear the phone ring so I missed his call. He sounded good, said things were good etc, said some loving things but not sure when I'll hear from him again. So I am happy that I heard from him. Sooner than I expected.

I listened to the message and did notice that his speech was a bit off. Slurred even? Maybe nerves but towards the end of the message he sounded like himself. God I hope he is sticking with the program. There isn't anything I can do if he is not. Until I know otherwise I am going to assume he is following through and not sneaking any alcohol. Ugh.

But I'm glad he called. *crosses fingers* I still have to work on myself and I know this. I may take in an alanon meet tomorrow night.

keepinon

We always say at my home meeting, give it at least 6 tries if you don't like it after that we will gladly refund your misery. Try a little perspective change..the meetings are so big becuse they are so great,so beneficial! I have been to small and large meetings and I get something from both kinds.The perks of a big meeting are that you get sooo many different points of view. I really urge you to give it a couple more tries. Those people will "get" you.They "get "addiction. You will have people who are in your shoes. Try really hard to have an open, positive mind, and I am guessing you can have a good experience. Your boyfriend is working a program..best gift you can give someone in recovery is to work a parralel program (best thing for you too!).

steve1840

I'm stuck. I am having such a hard time of letting go and yet I know I need to for now. I want to write him and hear from him.

babyblue- i know exactly how you feel. fighting the urge to drive around looking for her is actually like quitting a drug. the constant twisted stomach. the wanting to say one more thing. the wanting to express love one more time. the wanting to just hug and cry together. then the fears. the fear she doesnt want to see me. the fear she stopped caring. the fear she thinks i stopped caring because i didnt find her. the fear she is actually enjoying part of what she is doing. then the questions. why cant i move past this. why cant i detach knowing that is what is good for me? why am i so addicted to her? why cant i use this time to get better? its all overwhelming.

I need to focus on myself and I am trying but I can't seem to get up the motivation. And I hate that I can't talk about him with anyone because no one I know has experience with having someone in recovery as a bf.

i know all of this too. i have the best intentions to do somethingf for me. then i get home and do nothing. i cant waitto fall asleep. i can only share with one person, so it is all inside me all day, which is why i post so much. last night though i picked up my guitar for the first time in a long time. i only played for ten minutes but i do want to do it again tonight. i am going to a meeting then strumming out a couple notes. i will still feel sad and lonely and worried, but it is something.

try the meeting again but hang around afterwards, you may find someone to talk to or be able ot exchange numbers. i am going thurdsay to slaa which is for love addiction. i hope you can find some peace today.

Starlynn

I know the feeling...sometimes I wake up and then I remember what I am going through right now and it saddens me. It is so hard to go to work and act like everything is wonderful.

We are here if you need someone who understands.

Babyblue

I'm debating whether or not to go to a meeting. The truth of the matter is that 'higher power' stuff is difficult for me. I am agnostic so I have a tough time with the God thing. Esp because I had a very religious, dogmatic upbringing and I've spent my adult life working through my God/Spiritual issues.

I can't even bring myself to mumble the prayers, I am that triggered when they are said. I respect those that particpate and I don't want to detract by sitting them out or seeming uncomfortable.

Which btw has really been a huge revelation to me just how my childhood religious upbringing STILL messes with my head.

But I will try because I do like the shares and the speakers. I'm going to keep reminding myself that yes, they do 'get' me when no one else I know does. Except for all you beautiful folks!

keepinon

Go anyway..I won't say the Lords prayer..I just hold hands and keep my mouth shut.For today, don't worry about HP you have lots of time to figure that out. I consider l"life force or flow of life" to be my HP. You need support and recovery..just give it a chance. Take what you want and leave the rest..that's the motto.

Babyblue

I just got back from a meeting. It was ok. I think the issue I have is this particular group isn't of warm friendly folks. No one has reached out to me I may look into another group to check out. One that is more personal. But yes, hearing some of the shares was helpful for sure.

Onward and upwards!

transformyself

Glad you went to a meeting and whenever others are praying things like the lords prayer (different religion than mine) and I'm suppose to join in I just bow my head and silently say, "thank you," over and over again.

Gratitude like that is very powerful. Think of it as refocusing your thoughts and energy.

Yngwie66

Perhaps you could say the serenity prayer to yourself?

Babyblue

Funny though, as ambivalent as I was after the meeting last night, suddenly today I feel so much stronger and better about myself.

Maybe it can work!

I even took down the number of a gal who seemed really cool and someone I would love to have as a sponsor... baby steps for babyblue.

RollTide

It sounds like you had religion forced on you. I understand that but it might still be a place of support and to make friends if you can get past that. It helps me a LOT. As they say take what you can use and leave the rest.

SteppingUp

I know exactly how you feel.

I've heard it described this way:

If you feel that the Al-Anon tools and meetings are a power greater than yourself, that can be your higher power.

For all the doubts I have. The one thing I don't doubt is the power of the Al-Anon groups (and the folks on this board) to give me strength that I never thought I had!