Freedom1990

I thought I'd look up 'blame' and it's meanings:


–verb (used with object)
1.
to hold responsible; find fault with; censure: I don't blame you for leaving him.
2.
to place the responsibility for (a fault, error, etc.) (usually fol. by on ): I blame the accident on her.
3.
Informal . blast; damn (used as a mild curse): Blame the rotten luck.
–noun
4.
an act of attributing fault; censure; reproof: The judge said he found nothing to justify blame in the accident.
5.
responsibility for anything deserving of censure: We must all share the blame for this deplorable condition.

And, as an extra that I found interesting:

—Synonyms
1, 2. reproach, reprove, reprehend, criticize. Blame, censure, condemn imply finding fault with someone or something. To blame is to hold accountable for, and disapprove because of, some error, mistake, omission, neglect, or the like: Whom do you blame for the disaster? The verb censure differs from the noun in connoting scolding or rebuking even more than adverse criticism: to censure one for extravagance. To condemn is to express an adverse (esp. legal) judgment, without recourse: to condemn conduct, a building, a person to death. 4. reprehension, condemnation, stricture, reproach, animadversion. 5. guilt, culpability, fault, sin.

Freedom1990

Makes sense to me!

Jazzman

Wow this one's deep! I blame you guys for making my brain hurt from reading it

wicked

and jazzman, i blame you for my disappointment when you didnt have one of your pithy on point statements when i came hear to read your comment.






when i think of blame (for myself) i picture myself pointing at someone and saying:
"It is your fault that I am unhappy."
and you know how pointing at someone is pointing 3 times at yourself and all that.
but shame, shame is a little something i keep next to my heart when the idea tries to present itself in my addictive mind that it is okay to use.
it does not make me a bad person, just a sick person who does bad things when using. yep, keeps me straight i think.

Daybreak

Know what I like about you people? You think about things.

Jazzman

LOL!! OK then...

The only blame worth my time is blaming myself for not acting soon enough once a solution has come to light.
The only shame worth my time is my own poor taste in fashion when I was a high school student.

Bolina

Going back to the OP, I think this is where the 12 Step approach of sharing ES&H is so powerful. It feels strange at first to speak in the "I" because we are usually brought up to feel that it is selfish and rude to talk about ourselves. It now seems jarring and cruel to me to see direct advice on other non recovery-related forums.

I'd like to think we largely strike a happy medium on here, where direct advice is more akin to aiding analysis of a situation or pointing in the direction of useful information, rather than "do this, do that". When I am overtaken with do-thisness, I try to ask questions rather than make statements.

I do read back over old threads a lot and can see there are times where I would never say what I did if I were speaking in real life to a person. Or at least, not in the way I said it. I can see that taking a few more seconds to soften the words and add some social nicities would have been much more appropriate. The hazards of the on-line world.....

LaTeeDa

I completely agree that sharing from an "I" standpoint is eminently more helpful that a "you should" approach. I admit that I have not always done that and could do better at it.

However, the idea that if I had just said something in a different way, or used better words, then the person I was responding to would have benefited more, just doesn't sit well. It parallels the way I used to think about the alcoholic. If only I had said/done/expressed something differently, he would see the light and stop drinking.

The truth of it is, nothing I say is going to "turn on the light" for someone unless they are completely ready to see that light. I have no way of knowing if that is the case or not. Therefore, I can only share my experience and leave it for them to do with it what they may--or not.

L

Bolina

Oh, I agree entirely as far as flicking the switch on the lightbulb is concerned. That is beyond my control. I was thinking about the shaming aspect of the OP. I do have control over whether my contribution is positive, neutral or negative in blame/shame terms. I think back to the way I responded to some posters (e.g. IWC, Skope, kia and, more recently, Jenny) and can see that I veered towards blaming/shaming territory, although that was never my intention. But then I look back at the early posts from naive and sesh, say, and can see that the same type of approaches challenged them and look at them now! Oh, now there we go - my very own lightbulb. As long as I am polite, welcoming, generous with my own ES&H, then how it is received is not up to me.

I knew this stuff once. Why am I doubting myself now? :-)

Love threads like this. Thank you all.

wicked

now, my pith quotient is filled for today.