It's happening, I'm getting a divorce
 

I really can't even believe it. AH and I have been separated for almost three months. In that time I asked him to get treatment and to go to counseling with me neither of which he ever made an active effort to do.

We have been virtually unable to communicate. He calls once a week or so and says a few things and then hangs up. I never bother, I've just been trying to distance and detached myself.

Today he had been in the apartment when I was at work and left me flowers, that's been his thing lately when he comes to pick up stuff. It's always very unsettling for me. SO today I decided enough is enough. I called and asked him to please let me know ahead of time if he is coming over and to stop with the flowers. I don't want or need them.

Then and this is the kicker... He says when do you want to get divorced before all my medical stuff or after. (He's going in for a biopsy on his thyroid, the dr's "think" it might be cancer. This whole cancer thing has been another bone of contention with us.) My jaw dropped when he said that. I've been looking into divorce lawyers all week, but had no idea that he realized that that is where I was. I said I'm ready when you are.

Then he went on to say he wants to do this as amicably as possible, he'll get the keys back to me, etc. etc. I asked him how he knew that this is what he wanted and he said you haven't been nice to me in months. I tried to explain that I wasn't getting anything I needed from him and I was just trying to protect myself.

He told me he'd call on Sunday and we can start figuring out details. I'm sad I've been crying my eyes out since I got off the phone. But as sad as it I know somewhere deep deep deep really freaking deep down inside that in the long run it will be the best thing for both of us. I just wish these stupid tears would go away.:rotfxko

Bklyngirl, I am sorry that you are going through this pain. But it's normal to feel sad, even when you know it's the right thing to do. Cry as much as you want to.

And then remind yourself that he did nothing to prevent this from happening. Your life is going to be wonderful. You deserve better.

Keep reading and posting. You will get through this and be better off.

Thanks, what you wrote is so great. I think part of the reason it hurts so much is that our conversation tonight was so good. We were both calm and communicating, I've been craving that for so long.

perhaps time to change the locks on the apartment?

i wouldn't want someone in my personal space without notice.

naive

Sweetie, let those tears do their job....cleaning out the heart. Trying to stop them, holding them back can just prolong the pain and heartache, and lead to real misery ahead.

Crying is the releasing and cleansing of our grief, pain, fear and sadness, so I suggest you take a BIG box of tissues, go to a quiet room and let those tears flow.

Maybe I am trying to rationalize my own situation but just want to say that me and my AH are separated a year now and the first 3 months were back and forth and I never said divorce although I looked into a few things and then he was talking divorce and now we are going to counseling and it is up and down and up and down ...

What I wanted to point out though was if you are thinking about what is the best for both of you, you may not be thinking or feeling what is really best for you.

For me I still need to use this time of separation and really be sure of what I want to do and what is best for me. I will leave it up to my AH to take responsibility to decide what he wants to do that's best for him. For now he is working on his sobriety and blaming me for our marriage not working and I am trying to understand what I need and why it is we can't communicate.

When I focus on myself I am so peaceful and I know I will decide what's best for me when it's the right time for me to decide.

Hmmmmm. . . .well, we'll see about that divorce. . . not sure you both are really there yet. (No criticism implied)

None taken, but why do you see it that way?

hey Bklyngirl
Tough decision, tough times.
But listen to that little voice - that one deep deep inside that knows this may all turn out for the best. When we have been in a family relationship w/ an A that little voice that knows what is best for us, that knows who we are, gets beaten down and silenced, or we can't hear it because of all the noise and interference of the drama with the A.

Wishing you bluer skies soon.....
Peace-
B

I asked him how he knew that this is what he wanted and he said you haven't been nice to me in months.

This one would have gotten me irate. No matter how I tried to make my XABF happy over the years, when I would ask him why he wasn't happy he would come back with a line like this saying I was never nice to him. The frustration would always overwhelm me and yet somehow I would vow that I would turn things around and make him happy.

It was cr*p. It was always cr*p.

Your AH almost had me with the flowers. I was thinking, well he's picking up stuff so I guess there's an arrangement there and he's leaving a token of affection for her, that's sweet. Then I kept reading. Sheesh what a schmuck. On top of that he's turning down offers of recovery and counseling. Took me putting the details together to clearly see the guy just wants to do the bare minimum to get back to what works for him and that's not working, he pulls out the big guilt with the divorce talk.

Gee, I wish I had your recovery years ago. To stand up for what you say by telling him you are just protecting yourself is amazing!! Good for you!!

Alice

I don't know Brooklyn. A feeling of incompleteness. I am not the slightest bit psychic so don't attach significance to my gut feelings about anyone else's affairs.

hi brooklyn girl-

i think divorcing an alcoholic is a great idea. the reason i think this is because it is best not to have any liability or shared finances with an alcoholic. we all know that this is a progressive disease and as the disease progresses, they really do some very irresponsible things. they burn through the finances, oftentimes very quickly. they are irresponsible with debts. they crash cars, they drive drunk, they end up sick, needing expensive medical treatment and/or rehabs.

i think it's best to legally remove yourself, your finances, your liability with an alcoholic.

as for the relationship, just because you are divorcing him doesn't mean he is falling off of the planet earth.

let's say that he does enter recovery...just because you've divorced him doesn't mean that you can't re-engage in the relationship at a later date.

if you are married to him and he accrues a whole bunch of debt, you would be responsible for it. if he ends up with complicated medical issues, you would be responsible for the bills. etc.

i think it's a fantastic idea to divorce him. and great if he says it can be amicably at this time. make your move and get yourself out of harms way.

so many of us here have lost our houses, our cars, our savings with our alcoholics. and as the disease progressive, they get more desperate and before you know it, you've lost your financial security and then they come back with a lawyer and you end up paying them alimony and half of your pension! , even though they have been unemployed and contributed nothing other than debt to the household finances.

divorce him quick!

naive

I have to agree with your thinking Naive. I am sorry for your pain brooklyn, but the idea of being divorced, even if you manage to work things out is a good idea when it comes to alcoholics in our lives. I am actually working in that now, and feel much better making progress in that area. I think that we take the word divorce and run with it, but someone once told me "it is almost impossible to LOOSE an alcoholic" and i didn't know what that meant, but i sure do now. no matter what they do or what we do, they hang on until they use up every inch.....I know that i still care deeply for my AH but cannot live with him and take care of myself and mind my own business. I need my own life and my own space that i can be safe and peaceful in. You deserve that too, without surprise visits and little gifts left. You are doing great and i wish i did this long ago. but....and it is a huge BUT, better late than never, for me! good for you for speaking up for yourself and you are entitled to mourn the loss because we always hope that our A's will want to make better choices. It is all i can wish for mine. i sympathize with your tears.

I endorse the comments from Naive and missphit, in that while you may feel awful right now at the idea of divorce, it could be a saving grace for you both.

Look on it as not so much divorcing your husband, as removing yourself, your assets and income from being consumed by a disease that has already almost consumed him.

Consider it a move to having future security, knowing that actions taken by this man when under the influence of alcohol, are NOT going to make you financially liable for huge bills, or his expenses should he be ill.

It may also make him actually face thefact that this is his disease, his problem, and he is on his lonesome in responsibility for for it. It may eventually lead to something you dream of, or it may not. Either way, you don't have to be sunk if he hits the rocks.

Bklyn, huggs and I also agree that you need to let the tears flow.

I am a recovering alcoholic and was in a negative marriage. As much as I knew it was healthy for us to end it.....it was quite painful at the time as it was true letting go and the beginning of healing and a new life.

With that chapter closed, I finally got the help that I needed and was able to finally deal with the pain.

I am glad you are here sharing and know that I became free after my divorce and while I hope that my ex has found himself in a better place as well.

All the best.

I'm with Naive. We attach a lot of meaning to the concept of marriage, being married, having a spouse, etc. We attach a lot of feeling to that meaning too. And we have a lot of emotional and practical expectations of our spouses. We let those feelings and expectations run our lives, dictate our feelings, and make our decisions for us. When, in fact, marriage is a legal obligation, IMO, more than anything else. It means YOU are legally and financially responsible for the other person and not the state. It also means you hand over your authority for making your own financial decisions within and about this partnership (the marriage) TO the state.

I've never met anyone who has expressed to me that their expectations about marriage or their expectations of their spouses have ever been met. The expectations of marriage have only ever made the people I have talked to disappointed at best, devastated at worst. Not sure if it is marriage itself that does it or expectations.

Sorry if I seem cynical.

I've gotta say that once I accepted that divorce was ok, the idea of getting divorced became more and more attractive. It took me awhile to go through with it, but I'm glad I filed when I did.

Mine is dragggging out, although we go to mediation on Tuesday. (I filed March 1st, so it takes awhile.) Let those emotions out, and just go with it. But yes, realizing that it's a legal constraint has made me a bit more cynical, and at the same time, relieved about the whole thing. It also really made me think about what really is sacred in my life - I figured marriage was, if anything. Well, not so much. The reprioritization helped me heal a lot too.

Good luck,
D

I'm in a similar situation, separated from AH for 6 weeks now, and finally letting myself contemplate the idea of divorce. Our anniversary is tomorrow, and needless to say it's been a really rough weekend for me.

We've been married 13 years, but AH has been in my life for 23 years now, since I was 15 years old. The idea of divorcing him is tearing my heart out. I feel like along with the end of our marriage will be the end of all of my memories, since I was a teenager. We truly did have happy times, and I still miss my best friend and the man he used to be. I still get glimpses of that man from time to time, and it tears me apart to leave him. I'm trying to allow myself to grieve for the death of my hopes and dreams for a happy future with him. He was the love of my life, and alcohol stole that away from us. It's such a tragedy, and I could go crazy if I allow myself to think about all we've lost.

I've found it helped a little to write a list of things I WON'T miss about the marriage. Things like, getting a pit in my stomach every time he doesn't answer his cell phone, being afraid to travel out of town in case he might relapse, subconsciously monitoring him at family functions to make sure he's not drinking, etc. So far my list has 45 items and keeps growing...

Hang in there. This has been the hardest and most painful period of my life, but I know we'll make it out on the other side and there's a peaceful, happy life waiting for us. I just wish I could figure out how to get there....