This really hurts...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: East Cost
Posts: 10
This really hurts...
Well, for the first time in 6 years I asked my AH to leave and actually made him do it...for good. I don't think that there is any turning back now. I don't know where he went or where he stayed, and I don't think I can know. For the last 6 years, it's like I have evaporated and he was my 'fixer-upper' project. Now, I feel alone and afraid. I don't know who I am any more. He's been lying to me for so long that I don't know what is real and what isn't, so I can only safely assume none of it is real.
I loved him with all my heart for a very long long time, but he chose to throw that away. He loved his addiction more. That's what A's do, I guess.
It is really hard not to pick up the phone and 'rescue' him, but I cannot do that.
I open the fridge and see the food that was there for him. I see the soda that is his, his clothes in the laundry, his tools outside.....
I want to be angry at him and hate him for hurting me this deeply. But I know I am really angry at myself.
I allowed him to take my youth, my innocence, my health and my sanity (temporarily). But now I have the long road ahead of trying to fight to get it back.
I know that he will have to come here today to get the rest of his stuff.
I have to be strong.
He's left me no choice.
I don't know where to begin to rebuild.
I loved him with all my heart for a very long long time, but he chose to throw that away. He loved his addiction more. That's what A's do, I guess.
It is really hard not to pick up the phone and 'rescue' him, but I cannot do that.
I open the fridge and see the food that was there for him. I see the soda that is his, his clothes in the laundry, his tools outside.....
I want to be angry at him and hate him for hurting me this deeply. But I know I am really angry at myself.
I allowed him to take my youth, my innocence, my health and my sanity (temporarily). But now I have the long road ahead of trying to fight to get it back.
I know that he will have to come here today to get the rest of his stuff.
I have to be strong.
He's left me no choice.
I don't know where to begin to rebuild.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Where to begin?
Here. now. this moment.
Wrap your arms around yourself and give yourself a real hug, please.
And another one from me, please.
Be gentle with yourself. You didn't arrive here overnight and it will take time to heal. Today starts your recovery journey, and you are not alone! You are surrounded by people who understand what it feels like to give of yourself until there is nothing left to give.
Have you tried Alanon meetings? Alanon and this forum helped me regain my clarity. I doubted myself and couldn't make decisions on simple things. Grocery shopping was a nightmare! I have learned to trust myself, I make good decisions! Getting my active alcoholic out of my home was a good decision for me. Reaching out for support was a good decision for me.
(((Hugs)))
We are here to help you get through this day, this moment.
Here. now. this moment.
Wrap your arms around yourself and give yourself a real hug, please.
And another one from me, please.
Be gentle with yourself. You didn't arrive here overnight and it will take time to heal. Today starts your recovery journey, and you are not alone! You are surrounded by people who understand what it feels like to give of yourself until there is nothing left to give.
Have you tried Alanon meetings? Alanon and this forum helped me regain my clarity. I doubted myself and couldn't make decisions on simple things. Grocery shopping was a nightmare! I have learned to trust myself, I make good decisions! Getting my active alcoholic out of my home was a good decision for me. Reaching out for support was a good decision for me.
(((Hugs)))
We are here to help you get through this day, this moment.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
he's left you no choice?
we always have choices.
and many times in life, the right choice and the hard choice are the same choice.
in life, i have discovered that the tough times, the tough choices are truly opportunities. try to flip about your perspective on this and welcome the opportunity.
the opportunity to grow, the opportunity to know yourself, the opportunity for serenity.
i do understand losing oneself in trying to save someone else. i was very confused when i arrived here. didn't feel myself at all. just kinda numb from hurting so bad for so long.
let me be witness to you that with a bit of time, hard work and honesty, things will improve for you and you will feel that fresh feeling of freedom again.
as for where to rebuild, you've made a good step posting here. keep reading, keep posting...we're here and we're listening.
welcome!
naive
we always have choices.
and many times in life, the right choice and the hard choice are the same choice.
in life, i have discovered that the tough times, the tough choices are truly opportunities. try to flip about your perspective on this and welcome the opportunity.
the opportunity to grow, the opportunity to know yourself, the opportunity for serenity.
i do understand losing oneself in trying to save someone else. i was very confused when i arrived here. didn't feel myself at all. just kinda numb from hurting so bad for so long.
let me be witness to you that with a bit of time, hard work and honesty, things will improve for you and you will feel that fresh feeling of freedom again.
as for where to rebuild, you've made a good step posting here. keep reading, keep posting...we're here and we're listening.
welcome!
naive
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: seeking sanity
Posts: 645
After six years of living with an alcoholic I lost every ounce of sanity that I once had. My divorce was final in Jan. It has taken a while but every day is getting better and I'm feeling more like "me" again. Life is good. We just have to get back to it.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
Originally Posted by hopefulinPA 
Well, for the first time in 6 years I asked my AH to leave and actually made him do it...for good. I don't think that there is any turning back now. I don't know where he went or where he stayed, and I don't think I can know. For the last 6 years, it's like I have evaporated and he was my 'fixer-upper' project. Now, I feel alone and afraid. I don't know who I am any more. He's been lying to me for so long that I don't know what is real and what isn't, so I can only safely assume none of it is real.
I loved him with all my heart for a very long long time, but he chose to throw that away. He loved his addiction more. That's what A's do, I guess.
It is really hard not to pick up the phone and 'rescue' him, but I cannot do that.
I open the fridge and see the food that was there for him. I see the soda that is his, his clothes in the laundry, his tools outside.....
I want to be angry at him and hate him for hurting me this deeply. But I know I am really angry at myself.
I allowed him to take my youth, my innocence, my health and my sanity (temporarily). But now I have the long road ahead of trying to fight to get it back.
I know that he will have to come here today to get the rest of his stuff.
I have to be strong.
He's left me no choice.
I don't know where to begin to rebuild.
I loved him with all my heart for a very long long time, but he chose to throw that away. He loved his addiction more. That's what A's do, I guess.
It is really hard not to pick up the phone and 'rescue' him, but I cannot do that.
I open the fridge and see the food that was there for him. I see the soda that is his, his clothes in the laundry, his tools outside.....
I want to be angry at him and hate him for hurting me this deeply. But I know I am really angry at myself.
I allowed him to take my youth, my innocence, my health and my sanity (temporarily). But now I have the long road ahead of trying to fight to get it back.
I know that he will have to come here today to get the rest of his stuff.
I have to be strong.
He's left me no choice.
I don't know where to begin to rebuild.
The days after he left, he still had some things here and it was so painful to see his things in the fridge, some of this clothes he never took etc.
What you need to do is just get rid of everything. No reminders!
I too struggle/struggled with not knowing what was real/truthful since he lied to me so many times. He didn't give me any answers to the affair he was having, just a bunch of lies so I was left to assume many horrible things about him.
Liars leave you in ruins. They make you feel crazy!
My ending came 2 1/2 months ago and there are still a lot of painful moments, but I put one foot in front of the other and work on making my life healthy again and I also am working hard on surrounding myself with HONEST people!
Addicts cannot be honest EVER! Unless they are working a program and come out of the sick sick fog they live in, they will continue to kill themselves and everyone who loves them.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 985
I read your post and understand the feelings i had until recently. When I asked my husband to leave he took almost everything so I had little reminders.But the few things left I let stay and only tossed them in June - husband left July 09 (some of us are slower) so just take your time in healing and get support!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: East Cost
Posts: 10
Thanks to everyone who posted and shared. I have gone to meetings. Although I am not ready to make any super changes (getting everything out right away), I also (for once) realize that I can take care of myself and not make any choices until I am ready. For once, I can do things on my OWN timeline. I also decided that I should go see my doctor, got a note for a few days off work to make sure I am taking care of myself...not worried about his prescriptions or whatever...it's weird. We're not enemies. I think he makes a lousy husband, and I recognize that is not in my control. I could be a good wife, but not so good that it cancelled out what his 'part' was lacking.
Sleeping alone was weird at first, but I realize that it's not so bad. I am not as scared as I thought I would be. Maybe some part of me is finally able to 'relax' now.
Anyway, one day at a time, right?
My goal for today is to get out in the sunshine, open the windows, vacuum, laundry,...little things. Last night I did some online shopping for myself. MYSELF!!
I realized, when I was looking through things, how very very little I have actually given to myself. I have always put my needs on a shelf, in a box, and tucked them away.
He is sleeping in his brothers basement, on the floor with a pillow and blanket. And you know, he doesn't perceive it as anything bad. He said his back feels fantastic and it was nice, no one bothered him. What a life, right.
All the worrying I did and he didn't even perceive it as uncomfortable. Goes to show how cruddy our perspective is on what they really think/see/feel. I guess I wanted him to suffer a little and he didn't. Just goes to show that I should not waste energy, I need to focus on myself...
Sleeping alone was weird at first, but I realize that it's not so bad. I am not as scared as I thought I would be. Maybe some part of me is finally able to 'relax' now.
Anyway, one day at a time, right?
My goal for today is to get out in the sunshine, open the windows, vacuum, laundry,...little things. Last night I did some online shopping for myself. MYSELF!!
I realized, when I was looking through things, how very very little I have actually given to myself. I have always put my needs on a shelf, in a box, and tucked them away.He is sleeping in his brothers basement, on the floor with a pillow and blanket. And you know, he doesn't perceive it as anything bad. He said his back feels fantastic and it was nice, no one bothered him. What a life, right.
All the worrying I did and he didn't even perceive it as uncomfortable. Goes to show how cruddy our perspective is on what they really think/see/feel. I guess I wanted him to suffer a little and he didn't. Just goes to show that I should not waste energy, I need to focus on myself...
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