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chicory 10-21-2010 08:01 PM

sad tonight
tonight I was so ready for my alanon meeting in my town.

xh sent son money in the mail, and of course, son was drinking when i got home from work. i was upset, then regrouped, and took off for the alanon meeting that i went to two years ago.

i found an aa meeting there, but the alanon group has dissolved. i was really disappointed. came home, and read a lot of the classic reading, and other topics that i had not read yet. did not realize that they were so great.

i think that higher power had other plans for me tonight. he may have wanted me to read the "three act play " article. I have never seen alcoholism from that view before. it seemed to be a birdseye view of my house. I feel like that has driven a wedge into this closed trap of a brain of mine. How can i be so blind? what is wrong with me, that i see my son as not being able to care for his self?
something is definitely wrong with me, and i need to fix it. I just did not realize how sick i am. very sad tonight.

LexieCat 10-21-2010 08:08 PM

Sorry you're sad, but sometimes growth hurts.

Call the Al-Anon number tomorrow and find another meeting.

Big hugs...

CatsPajamas 10-21-2010 08:10 PM

There really is a lot of terrific and insightful information here on SR. I remember many a night when I couldn't sleep I would get online just to read more. It helped me immensely to know that I wasn't alone - over and over again I would read a part of my story and my life in someone elses posts. I thanked my HP for putting those people and this place in my path.

I'm sorry for what you are going thru right now. Do you have a list of other meetings you can try? In a pinch you might find some insight at an AA meeting. I learned a lot from the open AA meetings I attended.


Lola1024 10-21-2010 08:13 PM

Sorry you are so sad tonight Chicory - sending you a hug... This too shall pass. :grouphug:

TatliGuzelim 10-21-2010 08:18 PM

Things didn't work out as you planned. Sounds like the "Three Act Play" gave you a new perspective on an old situation. Sorry you're feeling sad.

Pelican 10-21-2010 08:22 PM

I'm sorry you are sad tonight. (((Chicory)))

Do you have some Alanon readers? Sometimes I am able to pick up one of the readers, search the index for a topic and read for inspiration. Some days I just flip through and look at my notes and pages that are turned down. I can see how those pages have helped me and I can also see my growth.

Please be gentle with yourself. You are in recovery. Today you are wiser than you were weeks/months ago. Good on you!

One day at a time.

chicory 10-21-2010 08:40 PM

Thank you my friends. I am so very thankful for this site.

That I found it alone would convince me of a higher power, if i needed convincing.

i am seeing higher power in so many things this week. even the sad things that are happening have a purpose.

I want to get healthy. I want to be normal- what ever that is. I want to escape from this dysfunctional brain.

tonight, I felt so relieved to think that something greater than myself can restore me to sanity.
progressive disease- that is not just a catchy name is it?

coffeedrinker 10-21-2010 09:08 PM

hey, chicory,

i remember saying to myself so many times, that i just wanted to get un-sick. i really, really wanted to be healthier, but i think that even while i was making progress, i didn't realize it, couldn't see it, it was never quick enough.

hindsight is a wonderful gift. sometimes the thing we see causes us pain, but that points us to where we need to look. sometimes it makes us feel joyous.

i can see that, although i have miles to go before i sleep, progress has definitely been made. sometimes, i even feel like a new person, but inside a skin that is so familiar.

i wouldn't wish the pain i went through when i was wrestling with my awarenesses, but ya know, i truly believe it was necessary. i am so, so grateful for the lessons.

peace be with you tonight

Thumper 10-21-2010 09:30 PM

I'm sorry you are feeling so blue.

I had/have those times when my heart catches up to things my brain already knew.

I read the three act play so many times when I first came here. I printed it out and read it before bed or when I'd wake up in the middle of the night. One time I read it between my xah's all night rants when he left for more beer probably. It was a shift in thinking for sure.

You are making steps to getting better. It is a rough path at times. Wishing you a sound nights sleep tonight and a bit of sun in the morning.

sesh 10-22-2010 03:17 AM

Sorry to hear you're feeling sad. But somehow you sound more peaceful to me, I hope I'm not wrong.
I second CP suggestion to attend some open AA meetings. In my country we don't have separate AA and Al Anon meetings, there are only joined meetings based on the principle Alcoholism is a family disease (this seems to be common in some Eastern European and some Asian countries). Initially I was really resentful to this whole concept, but that has changed quite a lot over time (but that is a whole long different story).
I do believe I have benefited greatly from spending time in rooms with A's. I think the greatest benefit for me was that watching others who are struggling has brought more perspective into my own struggles. I have learned a lot. It seems that the more I learn about the true nature of disease, the more I'm able to find peace with everthing that was going on in my life, and see my present more clearly, like I'm not lost in the trees any more, I can see this forrest for what it is kind of thing.
take care

keepinon 10-22-2010 08:18 AM

sounds like a breakthrough Chicory!

Freedom1990 10-22-2010 10:29 AM

Chicory, I am sorry the Alanon meeting was no longer there. :hug:

I have seen a lot of growth with you since you joined SR. :)

Often I am the last to see any growth in myself.

We are all a work in progress, my dear.


RollTide 10-22-2010 10:42 AM

"I want to get healthy. I want to be normal- what ever that is. I want to escape from this dysfunctional brain."

I know exactly how you feel. I said in my AlAnon meeting a while back that I felt like I had lost my soul and that was the best and only way I knew how to describe it. I now realize where it went and I'm slowly getting it back. I can list a million things that I did or quit doing to try and make my XAH happy so he would quit drinking. I used to kayak with a male friend and neighbor. XAH was so jealous that I quit one of the best things that I had. I had a nice looking built in wine rack that I had built myself. After the crazy started I took all of the wine out of it and boxed it up. This week I kayaked and also put the wine back in the rack. My XAH hated when I listened to Andrea Bocelli or Josh Groban so I quit playing their music. Like they were going to come and sweep this old gal away. HA! Now I listen to what I want to when I want to. I've started walking again. This forum has been a lifesaver for me and I am grateful. I'm slowly trying to work the steps and take responsibility for the messes that I've made in my life. And as I do I can feel ME seeping back into this body. I can see a direct correlation as to how much work I put into it and how much better my life is. And so it shall be with you.

Sorry if I rambled. And I do have a disclaimer...if Josh Groban comes knocking then I am outta here, gang!

chicory 10-22-2010 07:30 PM

Today was hard. Just knowing that he is drinking here makes me so very sad.
he drinking each day.

right now, i heard a big thud, and went to investigate. He was trying to raise his computer chair. i did not pass any judgement, as i heard his voice very slurred , and he is quite drunk. i have not had to deal with this in quite a while, and it is very upsetting. hearing him dropping things, and falling around. what do i do now?
where do i begin, in dealing with this? i am trying to remember that it is a disease, and he cant help his self. I can smell the beer from here in my room and he is across the hall.

chicory 10-22-2010 07:37 PM

he is drinking straight vodka too. there is only a little left in a whole fifth of it, from buying it yesterday.

i just dont know how to deal with this.

he is stinking drunk, and can hardly stand up, and is rummaging around in the kitchen.

what do i do now? just ignore it? just let it go? and pray ?
I know he has to go. i will not live this way again. he did this before, and it ruined my life at the time. i cant let him destroy me. he wants to destroy his self, but its not gonna b e me with him.

RollTide 10-22-2010 07:54 PM

I don't know what to tell you, chicory. For me, I knew that I had two choices. Ones was to remain in the insanity. The other was to remove myself from it. I chose the latter. I looked at it as taking a leap of faith. I knew that with faith I would make it to the other side and I did.

You can't change him. You can take care of and change you.

chicory 10-22-2010 08:03 PM

Thanks rolltide.
since he is my son, (38) i wont leave my home, but will have to get him out.

i just want to know how to maintain my sanity, and control myself.

oh, i guess you are saying there is no way to maintain sanity, except to leave?

Live 10-22-2010 08:09 PM

I had a guest visiting one time from out of town and they got drunk and I just phoned a cab and since they were my guest I got them a motel room for one night.

I dunno, Chicory??

thyme 10-22-2010 08:11 PM

hi chicory, i am feeling your desperation. you sound so much like my mam, and i feel like what can i do to help . i have told my mam to call 999 if she felt threatened or he was doing something daft like overdosing . you should not have to deal with this, and i think you should maybe take advice from your daughters, maybe can you all get him sectioned. i have suggested that to my mother about my brother. i believe you can do it if two doctors agree they are a danger to themselves or others. just a thought maybe it might save his life.

RollTide 10-22-2010 08:13 PM

Originally Posted by chicory (Post 2744567)
Thanks rolltide.
since he is my son, (38) i wont leave my home, but will have to get him out.

i just want to know how to maintain my sanity, and control myself.

oh, i guess you are saying there is no way to maintain sanity, except to leave?

For me to regain my sanity meant I had to be away from my XAH drinking. I could no longer be around it. Since he had moved into my house then he had to leave. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do but I simply had no other choice. And I know that every situation is different.

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