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Old 10-22-2010, 08:45 PM
  # 41 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by thyme View Post
hi chicory, i am feeling your desperation. you sound so much like my mam, and i feel like what can i do to help . i have told my mam to call 999 if she felt threatened or he was doing something daft like overdosing . you should not have to deal with this, and i think you should maybe take advice from your daughters, maybe can you all get him sectioned. i have suggested that to my mother about my brother. i believe you can do it if two doctors agree they are a danger to themselves or others. just a thought maybe it might save his life.
Thyme,
I am not sure what you mean by sectioned. guess it may be declared insane, or have him committed? I guess i can always call the crisis people and have them talk to him, if he gets nutty. hopefully, i can find the courage to put him out. i think it is a matter of fully accepting that he is sick, and that i cant help him.
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Old 10-22-2010, 08:46 PM
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Originally Posted by Live View Post
Chicory...you would not be abandoning him.

Imagine a newspaper headline:

"Mother abandons 38 yr old son"

eh? say again?
Oh, I did not think anyone could make me laugh tonight!

yup, guess you gotta point there.
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Old 10-22-2010, 08:48 PM
  # 43 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Lizzaayy View Post
((hugs))
i am praying for you and sending you positive thoughts and feelings in this time.
it was absolutely heart smashing for me to see xbf while he was high and slurring. he was in such a bad way, and it was like watching him die, almost.
i had to leave him, because i could never deal with seeing him that way. it was just too painful.
if there is any way that you do not have to feel this pain, i wish you the strength to take those actions.
Lizzaayy,
and i am sooo glad that you are where you are today. getting ready for that precious little son.
thank you for your wishes for strength. i need them.
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Old 10-22-2010, 08:49 PM
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You know, Chicory,

Maybe it really WOULD be good for you to hit some open AA meetings. Hear some of the stories. Hear how people couldn't accept their own powerlessness and unmanageability of their lives until one disaster after another befell them. Not until every delusion of manageability was stripped away. Not until they could no longer DENY it.

Not everyone makes it, but those who do usually aren't coming in from a happy place.
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Old 10-22-2010, 08:50 PM
  # 45 (permalink)  
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I am good at being silly!

But when I was walking on eggshells all that got repressed.

It's not just about what it would be doing for him but what it would do for you.
I know you are wrung out, sick and tired.
Life is too damned short to live like that.
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Old 10-22-2010, 08:52 PM
  # 46 (permalink)  
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Hi chicory, I'm thinking is there some way you can get your son in the car with his things in the trunk and drive him over to his fathers house and drop him off? As difficult as this can be you said his Dad sent him money, maybe he will open his door to him and you can begin to take care of yourself. I really want to help you have the courage to get him out of your home. I don't think you can continue what your doing now. It might be time to try something different. If you think this is a bad idea discard this message. much love.....
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Old 10-22-2010, 08:55 PM
  # 47 (permalink)  
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[
QUOTE=LexieCat;2744609]We're ALL sad when we get to the point where we are ready to surrender.
You know, I would give anything for my childrens happiness. i have spent time and money and lots of worry, for them. i do for them whenever they need anything. but this is one thing i cannot do. and i would do it if i could. i guess i am still at step one.....

i guess i have not given up (subconsiously) the idea that the alcoholic can be helped.
i saw a mom go, a father go, and now my son.
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Old 10-22-2010, 08:58 PM
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Originally Posted by LexieCat View Post
You know, Chicory,

Maybe it really WOULD be good for you to hit some open AA meetings. Hear some of the stories. Hear how people couldn't accept their own powerlessness and unmanageability of their lives until one disaster after another befell them. Not until every delusion of manageability was stripped away. Not until they could no longer DENY it.

Not everyone makes it, but those who do usually aren't coming in from a happy place.
Lexie,
I think this is a very good idea. i need for this to be real to me. my son is denying it all, but i would recognize truth, i think, from the a's at their meeting. would they mind, if someone sat in?
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Old 10-22-2010, 08:59 PM
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I cant accept that there is nothing i can do. that is my problem, i think.
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Old 10-22-2010, 08:59 PM
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The alcoholic CAN be helped. But only when he or she is willing to accept that help. And the best help to be given is by another alcoholic. Moms and Dads and siblings and boyfriends and girlfriends and husbands and wives can give moral support to the effort, but they can't directly help an alcoholic to recover. If it worked, we wouldn't need Al-Anon. Or AA, for that matter.
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Old 10-22-2010, 09:00 PM
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I have never been a quitter , about anything, in my life. i do not take failure lying down. i will not give up on things. it has served me well, but not in this situation.
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Old 10-22-2010, 09:04 PM
  # 52 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by chicory View Post
Lexie,
I think this is a very good idea. i need for this to be real to me. my son is denying it all, but i would recognize truth, i think, from the a's at their meeting. would they mind, if someone sat in?
Open meetings are open to ANYONE. Because of the traditions, it would be most appropriate if you listened, rather than sharing, yourself. But if you hang around after the meeting, you can talk to people individually if there is someone you'd like to ask a few questions.

When you ask, though, you should probably make it clear that you understand you can't "fix" him, but you just want to understand more about the disease. I think most people would be glad to talk to you.
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Old 10-22-2010, 09:05 PM
  # 53 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by wow1323 View Post
Hi chicory, I'm thinking is there some way you can get your son in the car with his things in the trunk and drive him over to his fathers house and drop him off? As difficult as this can be you said his Dad sent him money, maybe he will open his door to him and you can begin to take care of yourself. I really want to help you have the courage to get him out of your home. I don't think you can continue what your doing now. It might be time to try something different. If you think this is a bad idea discard this message. much love.....
((((Wow))))
i wish i could. his car is not running well- it might make it around town, for short whiles. his dad is about 5 states away. he would not get in the car with me anyway. his dad will not take him in, and probably that is a good thing. they took back their offer, when son began to consider it. dad sent son 100$ for his fines, why he did not just pay online is a mystery to me. guess higher power is trying to tel me something. and i will never discard your messages. i appreciate your help. so much. (((hugs)))
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Old 10-22-2010, 09:06 PM
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what is his incentive to want to quit drinking now?

no consequences=none
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Old 10-22-2010, 09:09 PM
  # 55 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by LexieCat View Post
Open meetings are open to ANYONE. Because of the traditions, it would be most appropriate if you listened, rather than sharing, yourself. But if you hang around after the meeting, you can talk to people individually if there is someone you'd like to ask a few questions.

When you ask, though, you should probably make it clear that you understand you can't "fix" him, but you just want to understand more about the disease. I think most people would be glad to talk to you.
Lexie,
I think my chances of finding an aa meeting are good. lots of them around. and thank you for the ettequite - heck how do i spell that? anyway, i will listen, and learn, and be very thankful and appreciative.

i do so appreciate all of you, helping me. i hope that i am not the thickest-headed person to ever join the group...
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Old 10-22-2010, 09:11 PM
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Originally Posted by Live View Post
what is his incentive to want to quit drinking now?

no consequences=none
you are so right Live. there are none. when i think about it, i feel so weak. in that i have no power here. he must feel such freedom...
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Old 10-22-2010, 09:15 PM
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i cannot involve my family, but will have to talk to some big guys, who can make him leave when the time comes. son is a small guy and will not fight much, i am sure.

and the police? can you make someone leave your house, when they have their address here? i do have some cop friends, maybe they will just kind of oversee things, just for safety sake.
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Old 10-22-2010, 09:16 PM
  # 58 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by chicory View Post
i hope that i am not the thickest-headed person to ever join the group...
Nah, not by a long shot.

This stuff isn't easy for anyone who loves an alcoholic, or must "depend" on one, or has to deal with one. So much of it seems counterintuitive. As you pointed out, a lot of us are great "managers" of things--and alcoholism seems just one more challenge to get out there and "solve". But as you are finding out, it doesn't work in this situation.

Go to some AA meetings, see what some folks have had to do or had to lose before they were ready to recover. And then get to some Al-Anon meetings for support to do what you have to do for yourself.
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Old 10-22-2010, 09:18 PM
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you are strong, not weak. you're a mother, who has been through hell and back. you love with a huge heart, and though many times it has been broken, you can still love just as much.
right now, you seem full of self doubt and low esteem. maybe (though i know that right now it might be tough) you could think of some things to build you up, and give you courage and confidence. life is beautiful, still, even while there are bad things going on.
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Old 10-22-2010, 09:19 PM
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The police are usually fine with supervising "property removal". Around here it's not unusual at all. Cop friends are great to have.
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