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Old 10-22-2010, 07:14 PM
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Chicory,

You KNOW what you have to do. There will never be a "good time" to make him leave. This is what he's been, and what he will continue to be. There may be a brief hiatus here and there when he senses you are about to lower the boom, but then he will be as he was during the last hiatus--martyred and hostile.

The ONLY way he has a chance at changing is by being forced to, by circumstances. They are circumstances of his own making, not yours. He has no RIGHT to live in your house, making you miserable. He is only there because you have allowed it.

You can stop it when you are ready. If you need help to get him out, you can get it. You can have a friend, a group of friends, the police stand by.

This is your LIFE. You have a right to a peaceful existence. But only you can make it happen.
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Old 10-22-2010, 07:14 PM
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I wish he was a visiting guest, with a home to go back to.

boy, flashback! he has passed out , and i am so relieved!
just like my dad- we were so glad when he would finally pass out.

live, this hurts so much.
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Old 10-22-2010, 07:17 PM
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((((((((((((((((sweetie)))))))))))))))

I am sorry.

It really scares me to be around anyone that drunk.
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Old 10-22-2010, 07:18 PM
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Yes, I know what I have to do. I just keep wanting not to believe it.
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Old 10-22-2010, 07:20 PM
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I know it feels so very unfair...but I can't live scared like that...so it comes down to survival for me.
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Old 10-22-2010, 07:21 PM
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((hugs))
i am praying for you and sending you positive thoughts and feelings in this time.
it was absolutely heart smashing for me to see xbf while he was high and slurring. he was in such a bad way, and it was like watching him die, almost.
i had to leave him, because i could never deal with seeing him that way. it was just too painful.
if there is any way that you do not have to feel this pain, i wish you the strength to take those actions.
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Old 10-22-2010, 07:22 PM
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it scares me too.

I just cannot believe this, really. it is kind of like a bad dream. my son, is not able to control his drinking. he is getting smashed, and he told me not a week ago that drinking here would not be a problem, that he would not do anything to jeopardize our relationship.

for what its worth, i did not believe him.
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Old 10-22-2010, 07:23 PM
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Is that what happened october 1st chicory? You changed your mind? Can you see that you have come full circle, back to where you started?

Are you afraid to live alone? Is that why you won't make him go?
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Old 10-22-2010, 07:24 PM
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Originally Posted by Live View Post
I know it feels so very unfair...but I can't live scared like that...so it comes down to survival for me.
I completely agree. For me it was survival.
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Old 10-22-2010, 07:28 PM
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l2l,
no, i love to live alone. i have 4 cats, two daughters that i see regularly, and a job that i like. i love to exercise, and paint, and work in the yard. all have been on hold, since i have been too bummed.

i just could not put him out in the street. he has no car, no money (dad sent 100$ for fines- thanks a lot), and I just could not put him out. i freeze up when i think of him, no place to sleep. living with strange messed up people at the shelter if he can get a bed.

i wanted him to get this job and he did. if he leaves , he will not make it to this job. he would have no way. i guess it does not matter, if he gets this job or not, if he is killing hisself anyway.
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Old 10-22-2010, 07:30 PM
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Well then, Chicory..since you two just had this discussion last week..can you tell him in the morning you will always be his mom but he must find someplace else to live and until then he can stay at the Salvation Army (or wherever it was) as he did before?
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Old 10-22-2010, 07:32 PM
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or he can stay with Dad and follow Dad's rules.

He has broke yours.
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Old 10-22-2010, 07:33 PM
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The speaker at my AA meeting tonight lost literally everything. He wound up in a mental institution where he could wear nothing but a gown and his shoes without shoelaces. He had no job, no family, nothing.

He went to his first AA meeting (in the hospital) because they gave out free cigarettes (yes, this was awhile ago) and coffee.

He's been sober 18 years now. He has been involved in AA service at the district level. He goes on speaking commitments at institutions. He is RECOVERED.

There is always hope, Chicory. Sometimes they just have to fall a bit further, and lose more.
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Old 10-22-2010, 07:33 PM
  # 34 (permalink)  
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It is your home, your life, your choice.

It's just not going to get any better, you know.

Alcoholism is progressive. Always.
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Old 10-22-2010, 07:34 PM
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i can imagine how putting him out could be his best chance of living.

he would not be drinking. if he stays here (me helping) he drinks.
if he goes to shelter (me abandoning) he does not drink.

i guess i am not the only thing that is keeping him alive.

i am actually making it possible for him to poison his self.

what choice do i have , but to make him leave here?
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Old 10-22-2010, 07:34 PM
  # 36 (permalink)  
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Me too. Survival. I had to choose me. I remember dealing with alcoholic, addicted, abusive XBF, desperate, scared, unable to let go. Obsessed even. And I remember feeling like I was in the water, trying desperately to swim, but he had me by the ankle and in HIS desperation would pull me under with him in his attempts to keep from drowning. I'd go to therapy and to Al-Anon and take antidepressants and these things made me feel like my head was above water. But as soon as I would gain any strength like this, he'd do something else to pull me back under. It was a very desperate time in my life and took me nearly two full years to break free. That was when I truly learned that sick people will MAKE you sick.
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Old 10-22-2010, 07:39 PM
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Lexie cat,
bless his heart. that is so sad. but happy for him now.
i can see my son being that hardheaded.
thank you for saying there is hope. I am so broken hearted.
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Old 10-22-2010, 07:42 PM
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l2l,
i can imagine what you felt.
to me, it is like an animal on my back , with its claws in me.
i had so much dysfunction in my family, and it is hard to be shocked by stupid, but this is sickness. i dont know him anymore. i guess he does not know his self
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Old 10-22-2010, 07:43 PM
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Chicory...you would not be abandoning him.

Imagine a newspaper headline:

"Mother abandons 38 yr old son"

eh? say again?
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Old 10-22-2010, 07:43 PM
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We're ALL sad when we get to the point where we are ready to surrender. I still had my home, my car, my job, but inside I was feeling desperate and hopeless. My threshold was higher than some, but we all need to reach the point where continuing as we have been is more painful than the alternative of changing ourselves. That goes for "us alcoholics" AND "us family members".
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