what happened?????

Old 10-21-2010, 02:44 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
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Location: philadelphia pa
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what happened?????

I found this forum the other night in while searching for some sort of comfort in dealing with what I'm going through. I couldn't believe it when I came across a post right away so similar to my story that I almost could have written it. After reading the post and the comments I was reminded of what I should have known all along. I am not alone and there is help. The next day I felt a little different than I had in quite some time and my thoughts were a little different and more clear. This small change and the little bit of relief I felt, however slight, was so welcome. I decided the next day that as part of my healing and recovery I was going to join this forum with the hope I can move toward instead of live in the past and to share my story on the chance that I could help even one person who may be suffering.

My story is not a short one....and it begins the same as many others....

2 years ago I met the most wonderful man....I was not expecting him or looking for him. I had stayed alone a lung time after finally leaving a 5 year abusive relationship with a very sick man. But my cousin insisted.
So we met and hit it off right away. It was love at first site and we were inseparable from that day on.

He was an alcoholic. I was well aware and very familiar with the disease. I am also in a 12 step program as is most of my family( if not they should be). It made no difference to me. He had a little over 2 years clean when we met. His recovery was one of the things I found most attractive about him. He had a gift for helping others and he used it. For the first year and a half it was the healthiest relationship I had ever been in. Recovery came first. We never had to discuss it. We had love, trust, mutual respect, friendship. We grew together and were happy joyous and free. My kids adored him. At the end of everyday no matter how long, hard and busy we made time for each other. I'd never been so happy and content.

I was amazed that god had seen fit to put such a beautiful person in my life. I never took it for granted. We were so much alike yet complimented each other so well. we never found a reason to argue. Friends and family quite often gathered at our house to barbecue, watch sports, and watch movies. It really didn't get any better. And then something changed.

We had spent every night together since we met. On this particular friday he left as usual for his weekly aa commitment.....and didn't come back. By 2 am. I was panicked and called and text his phone several times. No answer. I sat up on the couch all night scared to death. He finally called the next morning apologetic that he had fallen asleep at his moms. I had no reason not to believe him. This was the first of many sleepless nights.

This continued four more weekends in a row and when he finally came home he would sleep on the couch or facing away from me, or sit at the computer for hours on end playing spades. I was beside myself.

My first thought was what had I done? I made numerous attempts to discuss my feelings about the situation but I was always dismissed and told nothing was wrong. Was I crazy?

By the fifth friday we were hardly speaking. I was so hurt and confused. I was convinced there was someone else. What other explanation was there? I came home that saturday after attending a christening WE had been invited to and he was still asleep on the couch. When he woke up he seemed to want to talk. Reluctantly I started to talk to him and it turned into yet another's conversation. He was making no sense. "What are you high?" I asked him out of pure frustration. I never expected him to say yes.

I was floored. He had been drinking and taking pills. I was in shock. The thought had crossed my mind but I couldn't imagine that it could be true. Not him! I had forgotten the power of the disease.

We had a very emotional talk that day. He had wanted to tell me but was afraid. He did not want to lose me and our family. He was sorry. I was hurt but I understood. He was human and he was an alcoholic and relapse is a reality. Of course he deserved a chance. I would want one. After all now that he had gotten honest he would realize what was at stake. The disease dies in the light of exposure. We discussed his options and agreed how dangerous it would be for him to stay if he didn't stop and nothing good could come of it.

I went through the motions of life for the next week waiting to see what would happen. He did not stop.

I tried to listen to my heart instead of my head and asked him to leave. I knew it was a dangerous situation was a huge fight. I ended up leaving for the weekend and when I came back he had taken his things and gone. He left a note apologizing and I was broken hearted. He was living out of his car and sleeping on his moms sofa. I was so torn. His moms house was an overcrowded house full of sick people. They were drinking with him and sharing pills with him. They thought he was more mature now and could handle it. My heart took over. After a few days he was back home. I convinced myself he would have a better chance staying home with me in a healthy environment with me setting a good example. I continued to lie to myself for the next 5 months.

Things became progressively worse as relapse became complete denial and insanity. He became convinced that he could drink and I was the only who had a problem with it. We began arguing and I slowly watched my best friend turn into a stranger. His aa friends had tried to remind him of where he belonged but this had only made him angry and resentful. They kept their distance for the sake of their own recovery as I held on to the false hope that I could fight the disease and win. He surrounded himself with his old friends. They became all that mattered. We were living to separate lives. I held on to what had been and lost myself in trying to find ways to get through to him. Life was miserable and painful. His moments of sanity where he could see what was happening became fewer and fewer. Soon I was the enemy because I refused to tell him that what was happening was ok.

Several times I got up the courage to tell him how unhappy I was and tried to end the relationship. Not because I had given up on him but because I felt myself falling apart. My head knew I could not fix this. This would make him angry. He would threaten suicide. This scared me because several of his immediate family had committed suicide in their addiction. So I would stay. I loved him I told myself and I should stick by him.

Soon things escalated. I was so depressed. Life was one unbearable moment after another. The arguing became worse and soon he was acussing me of cheating and lying. When his car did not start he blamed me. I was blamed for everything. The last 2 weekends we argued he started shoving me and pushing him down. This was not the man I had fallen in love with. I was scared.

I ended up telling his parole officer what was going on rather than lie and pretend everything was ok. I feel horrible for doing this. She told me that he would sit for a couple weeks and the judge would mandate him to inpatient rehab. I was desperate to stop the insanity. They ended up locking him up for a dirty urine but also charged him w domestic violence. These were not my intentions and I wished that I could take it all back.

He has been gone 4 three weeks now and it has been so painful. I feel such guilt anxiety. I miss him. I worry whether he hates me or not.

The first 2 weeks I lay on the couch in depression. I couldn't believe all that had happened. What happened? But why was I so surprised. And how had I let the disease of addiction take everything away. I knew better. I searched on the internet during my sleepless nights looking for some sort of explanation even. That is when I found this forum. In the last week I have started cleaning and organizing to keep myself busy. I can't believe what I had let things go. I worked so hard to make a good life for my kids and myself. I had put myself in a position to lose it all.

After finding this forum and being out of the insanity my thoughts are. A little clearer. Y was I blaming myself? I am not the one who relapsed. I never want to go back to that insanity. Do I really think that there's a chance to start over with the man I love? Will he ever forgive me. Did I do the wrong thing. The pain and anxiety are still there. I take life moment to moment. I no I have to let go and let god, there has to be a reason for all this.

I believe the answers will come eventually. Its still a struggle. I no I don't have to do this alone. It is still hard to be strong. I still struggle daily.

I apologize for the great length of my story but it has been a long hard road and it feels good to just share. For anyone who has taken the time to read I greatly appreciate your honest feedback.

Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T
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Old 10-21-2010, 02:57 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
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Thank you for sharing your story. Im so sorry for all your facing....but so glad that you have found soberrecovery! Theres lots of wonderful people here who have faced similar sitations...or are dealing with it at this very moment.
Just wanted to say hello...and stick aound awhile!
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Old 10-21-2010, 03:03 PM
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I don't see what you think you need forgiveness for?
You haven't done anything wrong.

The real truth is that it is not okay to drink and drug, violate probation and assault your wife (or anyone else).
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Old 10-21-2010, 03:04 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
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you're in the right place. many here know the depths of suffering you are experiencing.

what comes to mind is the first steps of alanon: that we are powerless over alcohol, that our lives have become unmanageable and to surrender to our HP.

i know i am powerless over alcohol. i tried my very best to beat it, but i could not. if i did not let go, i would have been taken down with my alcoholic.

now is the time to take care of yourself. in the throes of my pain, i began each day on my knees, reaffirming to myself that i accepted that i was powerless over alcohol and may god help me to move forward. i got on my knees as soon as i woke up. it was a good way to start the day, i discovered, as it set the tone for the day. i admitted there was nothing i could do and handed it all over to my HP.

one day at a time. one hour at a time, need be.

we are here for you.

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Old 10-21-2010, 03:19 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
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What was/is he on parole for?

You have no reason to ask for his forgiveness, you did nothing wrong.

Take this time to work on you, get yourself on the right track. His recovery is up to him, you are not responsible for him, and, your first responsibility is to your children.

Be kind to yourself, keep posting, we are here for you.
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Old 10-21-2010, 03:29 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
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He was on parole for assault and battery. He basically came close to killing someone when he punched them while drunk. I am just very hurt and confused right now and feel I have let him down or should have been stronger. I. Guess that is why I am here.....for support and to be reminded of what I know to be the truth. Thank you all so much. I no I am in the right place and I am going to stay and workk through the pain and confusion so I can make it to the other side stronger than ever.
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Old 10-21-2010, 04:11 PM
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Awww, honey chile, you did what you had to do. I've called a parole agent and I felt bad about it, too. There wasn't any other recourse for me, either. There are consequences to violating parole and scaring your partner. My husband holds it against me, even though he knows he has no justification and says he doesn't. So be it. Consequences, they build up and everyone involved has to live with them whether they caused them or not. But you don't need to feel guilty about the consequences of someone else's choices.
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Old 10-21-2010, 04:19 PM
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I phoned the parole office about my X-stepson. Twice. With his dad's approval.
He was going to lose his life sooner rather than later to crack.

He has been in prison for about 2 years now, I guess.
And he isn't mad at me.
He knows where I was coming from.
He is grateful to be there! He also knows that he was close to death's door.
This has saved his life.

Now, I hope he can keep it clean when he gets out in another 9 months.
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Old 10-21-2010, 04:40 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
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First, let me say WELCOME to Sober Recovery. You have found a great place with lots and lots of ES&H from others who have gone through or are going through what you are now.

Second, since you are in a '12 Step Program', I will tell you what my AA sponsor told me on my 3rd anniversay sober and clean:

"Get thy butt to Al-Anon and get an Al-Anon Sponsor!"

I am so glad, these many years later that I followed that direction. I am one of the Double Winners on this site, with over 29 years sober and clean and over 26 years recovering from Co-dependency.

Third, please, please do not blame yourself, this is the CONSEQUENCES of HIS ACTIONS and HIS ACTIONS only. As far as there being a DV charge on him now, their should be, as he already has a history of violence, and violence usually does escalate.

You have done well in protecting your children and yourself from the insanity. Can you two somewhere down the road get together? Maybe, maybe not. You know from your own 12 step program that only you can fix you, and so it goes for him also. I suspect you also realize that many times the only we can make amends is by our ongoing continuing ACTIONS in all facets of our lives.

For now, might I suggest, no contact, step back and just watch the 'actions' over the next year or two (since he relapsed after 2 years) and wait and see.

Pull up your keyboard and post as often as you need to rant, rave, scream, cry, laugh (yes we do laugh lol) and join us.

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we care so very much.

Love and hugs,
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Old 10-21-2010, 04:51 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
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Wow.....funny that I thought I was the only one but I guess this again is why I am here. I am sitting here feeling so bad as I have had to listen to hateful comments from his freinds and family who judge me to be such a horrible person. But they have no idea because they are so very sick. How could I ever value their opinion. What's done is done annd I only pray that something positive positive comes of it all. I just want to b on the other side and know what god has in store 4 me
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Old 10-21-2010, 04:52 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
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Welcome to the Family!

You will find loads of support and information here for yourself. Some of our stories are in the sticky (permanent) posts at the top of this forum. There is also a lot of wisdom in those posts.

I think you are a good mom! You were doing what needed to be done to remove the addiction drama from your home. Good on you!

Please continue to reach out and get the support you need during this time. We are here for YOU!
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Old 10-21-2010, 04:57 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
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You are in no way to blame for his actions, i feel for you and understand it must be heartbrking as it was so good in the beginning.

Be proud of yourself for coping with it the way you are even though it may feel to you like your not coping,in my eyes you most certainly are. take care and focus on you,after all you are all that matters as you are the only person you have to live with.
take care xx
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Old 10-21-2010, 05:11 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
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As I read each comment I can not express my gratitude to you all. I am so full of emaotion and I do not mind the tears because they are of releif. I am more shore w each post I am in the right place. I was uncertain how it worked being that I was already in a 12 step program whether or not I belonged here. I sm so happy I took a chance here
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Old 10-21-2010, 05:51 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
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"Not because I had given up on him but because I felt myself falling apart. My head knew I could not fix this. "

You didn't do anything wrong! You handled the situation with as much grace and understanding as you could possibly do under the circumstances.

Didn't seem like you had a choice honestly. I applaud you for being strong and sticking to your boundaries in the relationship.

It hurts of course. You are grieving the loss of a dream and you miss that great guy you thought he was. But truth is he is also a man who relapsed, made horrible decisions and has to pay the price. You also maybe saved his life. If he is locked up, he can't drink.

It takes a strong person to make such difficult choices.
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Old 10-21-2010, 06:20 PM
  # 15 (permalink)  
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Definitley a dream that turned into a nightmare. I still can't process it all.....knowing that he is safe is the only thin that makes it bearable sometimes
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Old 10-21-2010, 06:36 PM
  # 16 (permalink)  
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I totally understand that feeling of your whole world suddenly shifting.

I think we kind of go into a sort of shock when that happens.
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Old 10-22-2010, 07:06 AM
  # 17 (permalink)  
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I feel like a broken record repeating this over and over, but here it is anyway: I've become a firm believer in the power of HP/God/The Universe/The Grand Poobah, as I've witnessed events in my life that were completely necessary in order for other more amazing things to happen.

Case and point: the birth of my lovely little girl. I had to go through a miserable abusive relationship with her alcoholic father in order for her to be born. Her birth, in turn, opened my eyes to the toxic pattern I had been repeating in my life, and lead me to go to counselling, find SR, leave her father, and begin an entirely new phase of my life. Having walked through that fire, I came to realize that the 5 years of madness had to happen...they were, in a sense, a "necessary evil".

Having read your initial post, I see the same pattern in your life. You had found recovery for yourself, but perhaps you'd forgotten the impact that addiction can have on one's life. Your experience with your partner has lead you to come to SR, to learn some things about yourself, and...who knows what else? Perhaps there's a lesson to learn here about detachment.

I think you handled a difficult situation very well and I'm so very glad you found SR.

Keep posting!
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Old 10-22-2010, 08:15 AM
  # 18 (permalink)  
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I'm glad you found this forum. I can only imagine what you're feeling, but I know it helps to have a place you can go and share your story, vent a little, and find support.

As you've realized, there is some comfort in knowing you're not alone. My own AW is in denial, and gets angry at me when I suggest she has a problem or needs to get help. I feel a little guilty myself for telling my family and acquaintances about her drinking, but I feel compelled to be honest with them. As her condition deteriorates, I'm going to need their support, or at least their understanding.

Best of luck to you, and keep posting.
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Old 10-22-2010, 09:16 AM
  # 19 (permalink)  
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lookin4hope i am so so sorry. believe me when i say i know exactly how you feel. i have been through it too and struggled with the hope and my heart, and did everything i knew to fix the problem the other person had. but alcoholism is an insidious disease over which we have no control. what is happening to him is NOT your fault; please let go of that toxic guilt.

i have known guys with 15, 20 years clean, perfect lives, plenty of money, prosperous businesses, beautiful wives, healthy, happy children, lovely homes, wonderful futures and ONE BEER started a spiral that wiped EVERYTHING out. It is a gamble to involve ourselves with people who have addiction. i am sorry.

keep coming here and posting and reading. please take good care of yourself.
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Old 10-22-2010, 12:08 PM
  # 20 (permalink)  
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I will definitley keep posting and readin...this forum has been my rock the past few days. When I feel the anxiety and guilt starting to overwhelm me I come right to this page to remind me of the truth. As for how insidious the disease I head knew it was just too close to home. The damage that addiction does even when it wasn't me who took the drink or drug is astounding. The thing nagging me the most looking back is that I called the po. Was it my last ditch effort to gain the control and was it really up to me. Looking back its hard to say what I was thinking. I was so very sick,depressed,and desperate feeling. it haunts me.....ii guess like every thing else this will take time. I am just now beginning to see things more clearly
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