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Old 10-21-2010, 08:54 AM   #1 (permalink)
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My girlfriend is having problems with her AA meeting


Hi,
First post here. My gf has recently admitted herself (for a third time) to her local AA group. She went on her own free will and I am happy she is going. She lives in a rural area so there are not many options with meetings and what not. Here is her dilemma:

After her first meeting a fellow attendee pulled up next to her in her car and was trying to get her phone number. This was last Thursday.

Tuesday a different attendee showed up at her work ( she is a waitress and was not working that day). He had another employee call her. When she answered he was put on the phone and he was trying to get her phone number and offered her a trip to the bahamas.

These are complete strangers to her. It is very difficult for her to get the courage to go to these meetings. It is even more difficult when situations like this go on.

She is SCARED.

My questions are:
1) Does AA offer female only meetings? If not, is it possible to start one? Remember, we reside in a small town (less than 10,000)

2) Who can she write/email to and address these problems?

I understand that some of these attendees have to be there. Unlike my gf, they may not want to be there, but the courts order them. Therefore, she is amongst scum in my opinion (wife beaters, abusive fathers, etc). This is a very serious situation. My gf needs to get well and is trying. What steps can we take.

I offered to go to her last meeting, but I would not have been there in time after work.

She is talking to her preacher as well.
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Old 10-21-2010, 09:25 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Something does not sound right. Alcoholics are masterful liars. What was going on in your relationship before she went to AA for the third time?
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Old 10-21-2010, 09:25 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Yes, there are women only meetings. We used to have one where I live, but in a tiny town of 3000, it eventually folded.

Are there no other females at this particular group?
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Old 10-21-2010, 09:27 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Have you verified these stories???
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Old 10-21-2010, 09:45 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Your questions are valid, but no, I have not verified her statements. However, she CHOSE to go to AA on her own. We talk about the meetings and she said that someone told her that "there are wolves in sheeps clothing" at these meetings. When I offered to go to the meeting with her, she wanted me to. I told her she needs to speak up in the meeting without calling anyone out. Pointing fingers could be very dangerous.

She is on EBT and makes very little money, so one on one counseling is not an option.

She has spoke to her preacher and he said it is Satan working at holding her back. Not trying to direct this into a religious thread, but I take her word at face value. She has never really lied to me about her drinking. She admits she is a terrible liar.

Any other suggestions?
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Old 10-21-2010, 09:47 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Yes, there are women only meetings. We used to have one where I live, but in a tiny town of 3000, it eventually folded.

Are there no other females at this particular group?
There are other females in this group of appx 20. One of her co workers n fact. Her preacher stated that she should only go to the meeting when her co worker is going.
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Old 10-21-2010, 09:58 AM   #7 (permalink)
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There are other females in this group of appx 20. One of her co workers n fact. Her preacher stated that she should only go to the meeting when her co worker is going.
Has she talked to the coworker about this? Yes, there are members of the opposite sex like that, both men and women, unfortunately. We don't have that problem at my home group. I wouldn't hesitate to confront a man in my group were that happening.

There is no one to write or email about this as each group is self-governing, so to speak of.

We have group conscience once a month at my home group, and there we discuss any potential problems, and business matters.

Not knowing the workings of this particular group your girlfriend is attending I'm not sure what to suggest other than her sticking with the other women in the group.
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Old 10-21-2010, 10:06 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Something smells funny here. Sounds like a bunch of good reasons not to go to meetings! hmm.

Editing to add: When I was done drinking and using, nothing could stop me from pursuing recovery, getting sober, and staying that way.

Are you in a program of your own? Sounds like you're involving yourself a TAD much in her recovery, which is simply her own journey.

Out of curiousity.. why the emphasis on her going to these meetings on her own free will.???
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Old 10-21-2010, 10:16 AM   #9 (permalink)
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sugardaddy, I know you likely are looking for more concrete information on how to solve this problem for your girlfriend but honestly, this sounds like something SHE needs to handle herself. If she is not interested in this person, it is a simple matter for her to tell him, "I am not interested in you, please stop calling me, approaching me and talking to me." She IS a grown woman, isn't she? If she is a teenager, perhaps I can understand she might need some advice on how to handle this (such as she has sought from her minister) but still, she needs to handle this herself. If she feels she is in danger, she can call 911/the police.

I advise you to take a big step backwards, out of this situation. Have you gone to Al-Anon?
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Old 10-21-2010, 10:50 AM   #10 (permalink)
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I sincerely appreciate your responses. I should probably admit that she is my ex as of 2 weeks ago. I am just trying to help someone I care about. I told her she needs to empower herself and speak up during the meeting. We are on good terms, but I refuse to be subjected to all the unnecessary drama and problems that alcoholism creates. I, myself, am not in meetings, but told her I would attend if she needed me to. She came to me (and her preacher) with her problem and I feel strongly enough about her to help her with these problems.
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Old 10-21-2010, 10:53 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by sugardaddy View Post
However, she CHOSE to go to AA on her own.
Any other suggestions?
Voluntarily or under compulsion, going to AA meetings can mean that someone is going to AA meetings, nothing more.

My suggestion, it's her recovery, not yours, maybe you should take a hands off approach.

You might even ask yourself why you would choose to be involved with an alcoholic.

Just a thought.
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Old 10-21-2010, 10:55 AM   #12 (permalink)
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I would not want someone attending a meeting with me if they themselves were not planning to work on their own recovery. I would not be willing to open up and share as honestly as needed while I had an outsider sitting in the room. Just me.
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Old 10-21-2010, 10:57 AM   #13 (permalink)
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I, myself, am not in meetings, but told her I would attend if she needed me to.
A last thought, the meetings she's attending may be 'closed' meetings, alcoholics only, and some might object to a non-alcoholic sitting at the table, notwithstanding your motives for attending.
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Old 10-21-2010, 11:01 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by sugardaddy View Post
I sincerely appreciate your responses. I should probably admit that she is my ex as of 2 weeks ago. I am just trying to help someone I care about. I told her she needs to empower herself and speak up during the meeting. We are on good terms, but I refuse to be subjected to all the unnecessary drama and problems that alcoholism creates. I, myself, am not in meetings, but told her I would attend if she needed me to. She came to me (and her preacher) with her problem and I feel strongly enough about her to help her with these problems.
Maybe if you feel so strongly about her, and care about her.. you could back off and allow her to pursue her own recovery journey. There is nothing you can do to help, and only lots you can do to enable her continued drama and things you say you want to avoid.

I think when you were asked about attending meetings, we were wondering about meetings for YOU, alanon.. not AA. It's really not your business or your place to attend meetings with your ex girlfriend, who's alcoholism you're wanting to avoid..??!
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Old 10-21-2010, 11:08 AM   #15 (permalink)
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I sincerely appreciate your responses. I should probably admit that she is my ex as of 2 weeks ago. I am just trying to help someone I care about. I told her she needs to empower herself and speak up during the meeting. We are on good terms, but I refuse to be subjected to all the unnecessary drama and problems that alcoholism creates. I, myself, am not in meetings, but told her I would attend if she needed me to. She came to me (and her preacher) with her problem and I feel strongly enough about her to help her with these problems.
I recently realized that I baby people. Especially men. Treat them like babies. Ask them if they want me to go places with them they have difficulty going to alone. Like AA meetings. I do things for people they should do themselves. I really did this with my "little" brother. For DECADES. It doesn't matter if I did these things because he asked me to, or if I did these things without being asked. What matters is that you should not do for ANYONE over the age of 5, anything they are capable of doing themselves. We don't think about it while we're doing it but it really cripples people when you continuously do FOR them.

I also recently discovered that my attitude towards people I want to "help" is actually insulting. Continuing to think that they NEED me to help them delivers the message that they are unable to do it themselves, on their own. It says something about what I think about their abilities, don't you think?

I also realized that it makes me feel good to be able to help others. So I feel good when I do some things, but at WHOSE EXPENSE?

Please give her back her own struggle and her own honor. As people we need self-confidence and there is only ONE way to build that and that is the old-fashioned way: hard work and determination.

Good on you for talking about this.
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Old 10-21-2010, 12:20 PM   #16 (permalink)
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So you broke up with her because of the drama of alcoholism, then she decided to go to meetings at her own free will? This is familiar. Read my story and hundreds of others. This is common.
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Old 10-21-2010, 01:05 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Towns that size have certain characteristics in common....I like small towns, altho' I am going for bigger than that.
BUT...in small towns that kind of hitting on women is common.
And it does feel unsafe.

She can speak to the person chairing the meetings and hang with the women only, they can help her with this.
She is going to have to learn how to handle it on her own and they can help.
Being her white knight protector doesn't work well in the end.
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Old 10-21-2010, 01:09 PM   #18 (permalink)
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Voluntarily or under compulsion, going to AA meetings can mean that someone is going to AA meetings, nothing more.

My suggestion, it's her recovery, not yours, maybe you should take a hands off approach.

You might even ask yourself why you would choose to be involved with an alcoholic.

Just a thought.

true. We have talked about her meetings, it's difficult to not want to help. That is just my nature.
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Old 10-21-2010, 01:11 PM   #19 (permalink)
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Maybe if you feel so strongly about her, and care about her.. you could back off and allow her to pursue her own recovery journey. There is nothing you can do to help, and only lots you can do to enable her continued drama and things you say you want to avoid.

I think when you were asked about attending meetings, we were wondering about meetings for YOU, alanon.. not AA. It's really not your business or your place to attend meetings with your ex girlfriend, who's alcoholism you're wanting to avoid..??!
Good point. It could make things worse.
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Old 10-21-2010, 01:14 PM   #20 (permalink)
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Towns that size have certain characteristics in common....I like small towns, altho' I am going for bigger than that.
BUT...in small towns that kind of hitting on women is common.
And it does feel unsafe.

She can speak to the person chairing the meetings and hang with the women only, they can help her with this.
She is going to have to learn how to handle it on her own and they can help.
Being her white knight protector doesn't work well in the end.
Yea, it's pretty prevalent here. It would not bother me so much if it wasn't the "type" of people doing it.

I will make this suggestion to her. I guess it is out of my hands. Thanks for the replies.
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