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Old 10-21-2010, 08:37 AM
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New - Have question.

I married an alcoholic six months ago. I knew what he was going in. I'm almost forty years old and have been to therapy my entire life. I am not going to be interested in someone who doesn't drink...fact.

Anyhoos, any road I'm on right now is my own fault and was my own choice. My AH (I'm assuming this means alcoholic husband) is a good man, like many wonderful alcoholics out there. There are no all nighters; he doesn't even lie about his drinking or deny his problem, which I like because I have left two men before because they were liars, not because they drank too much. I don't do the lying thing well at all.

The problem I am having and I believe is probably classic 101 Al-anon, although I can't get a good grasp on a solution from meetings, is that I do not like anyone blaming me for their issues.

Example: last night I went out with some girl friends. I came home and my husband was drunk. So I told him I'd talk to him in the morning. I do not have any discussion with him when he drinks too much. Its beyond a waste of my time. He told me that he had not drank that much until 9:30, which was the time I was suppose to be home, then he said he drank a lot more because I was thirty minutes later getting home than I had projected to be. He said he didn't believe that I lost track of time, which happens to be true, as I am never late without at least calling and he had a rough night with his children and needed me to be home. Whatever, he is a grown man and I am not a baby sitter for him. I listened to him but would not discuss it with him last night.

So here is the issue - ME, of course. For one of the first times in our relationship, I woke up this morning furious. If he wants to drink too much, have at it, its his choice, but to call me a liar and really to BLAME me for him getting drunk - oh no that is NOT going to work for me. He can blow that one out his ass. I could not talk to him this morning and when he tried I basically told him to screw off and that in no way was his drinking my fault or my problem and I didn't want to talk to him anymore today.

So my question is this...I'm at a loss on what to say or do when someone tries to say that because I was half an hour late, they drank. Seriously, I am asking for specifics here. My intitial thought when I got home " Are you kidding me? Get some balls and take responsibility (see why I'm asking - I don't think that is what I should say, but its certainly what I want to say)."

One reason I knew I could be with him was because of his honesty with his issues. I have plenty of my own and he deals with me too. But this blame game is not going to work and I have no issue hitting the flight button - its my pattern to do so quite frankly. However, after twenty years of being single, I married him because he is a good, decent, kind man and I want to try to work it out. But my drama days are over and even though I live with someone who drinks too much he is out of his mind if he thinks I'm going to live in an unhappy home.

Any thoughts? I take full responsibility for putting myself in this situation. I had no denials when I married him. I knew I marrying someone who drank a lot, its what I know. But I also know that my happiness is just that - mine. He is great to me and we have a very nice life, but under no circumstances will I put up with anyone blaming me for drinking, ever, nor will I make or accept some ******** excuses for it. He drank too much because he is alcoholic and that is what he chooses to do...it has NOTHING to do with me.

I hope I didn't put too many paragraphs in here. I read the posting tips and it said to make sure and use them but I think I went a bit over board :-) Sorry to vent off like this, (and I feel like I just journal-ed to y'all) but I have to get rid of my anger because I want to have a good fun day, and I am not going to let his drinking ruin my day. That would be totally lame!
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Old 10-21-2010, 09:00 AM
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I know exactly how you feel as my exabf done this to me once.
It is in no way your problem that he chooses to drink as a coping mechanism,neither is it a good excuse to use your being home late as a reason to get pissed.

Tell him so but dont argue. You are totally not in the wrong and you done right to walk away and not discuss it with him. x
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Old 10-21-2010, 09:19 AM
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because alcoholics are in denial, their drinking is always someone else's fault. we call this "blame-shifting".

i also find myself wondering how he could be drunk in half an hour. that's not adding up to me. sure, he could be buzzed if he was drinking for half an hour, but not drunk.
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Old 10-21-2010, 09:25 AM
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I'm no expert on this stuff, but it would seem to me that your being late and his drinking are really two separate issues.

If he's angry at you for being late, there are other ways to confront that issue. If he chooses to drink because he's angry with you, that is not your fault. At least, that's the way I see it.
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Old 10-21-2010, 10:40 AM
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This is really a common strategy. My XAH would drink because...
* I wasn't appreciative of him enough
* the people at work weren't appreciative of him enough
* The weather was bad
* The subway system had broken down
* His mother hates him
* He's stressed, tired, sick, sick and tired, depressed, angry, etc
* We weren't having enough sex
* the baby was making too much noise
* etc etc and so on and so forth

Think about it. It's WAY easier to blame someone else instead of...oh god forbid, BLAMING ONESELF!!!

You can very well tell him whatever you like, but in the end, it won't make a bit of difference or won't cause him to change his behaviour, if that's what you're after. I've become a big fan of "say it once then walk away".
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Old 10-21-2010, 10:52 AM
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Originally Posted by DancingCreek View Post
So my question is this...I'm at a loss on what to say or do when someone tries to say that because I was half an hour late, they drank. Seriously, I am asking for specifics here. My intitial thought when I got home " Are you kidding me? Get some balls and take responsibility (see why I'm asking - I don't think that is what I should say, but its certainly what I want to say)."

One reason I knew I could be with him was because of his honesty with his issues. I have plenty of my own and he deals with me too. But this blame game is not going to work and I have no issue hitting the flight button - its my pattern to do so quite frankly. However, after twenty years of being single, I married him because he is a good, decent, kind man and I want to try to work it out. But my drama days are over and even though I live with someone who drinks too much he is out of his mind if he thinks I'm going to live in an unhappy home.

Any thoughts? I take full responsibility for putting myself in this situation. I had no denials when I married him. I knew I marrying someone who drank a lot, its what I know. But I also know that my happiness is just that - mine. He is great to me and we have a very nice life, but under no circumstances will I put up with anyone blaming me for drinking, ever, nor will I make or accept some ******** excuses for it. He drank too much because he is alcoholic and that is what he chooses to do...it has NOTHING to do with me.
Welcome to the SR family!

I believe you would benefit from setting healthy boundaries for yourself. If you do not want to be blamed for someone elses actions, then cease the conversation or remove yourself from the drama. The blamer can continue to blame you, as we are powerless to control others. However, you would be taking steps to remove yourself as the target by ceasing the conversation or removing yourself from the drama.

I believe this will happen again. Many times, in fact, as this is classic alcoholic behavior.

If it were me, I would reply: I'm not listening to this tonight.
If it continued, I would leave the house for the night.
I will not be blamed for someone elses destructive behavior.

The 3 C's:
I did not Cause it
I will not Control it
I can not Cure it


Alanon and SR can help you learn to set healthy boundaries.
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Old 10-21-2010, 11:20 AM
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You are saying two completely different things.

If he wants to drink too much, have at it, its his choice, but to call me a liar and really to BLAME me for him getting drunk - oh no that is NOT going to work for me. He can blow that one out his ass. I could not talk to him this morning and when he tried I basically told him to screw off and that in no way was his drinking my fault or my problem and I didn't want to talk to him anymore today.
On one hand you are saying, "I accept his drinking" and on the other hand you are saying, "I do not accept his drinking." Pick one. You either accept it or you don't. If you accept it (as you say you do) too bad for you that you don't like he is blaming you for his drinking. Because ALL alcoholics blame someone ELSE for their drinking. Work on your anger. Let it go. Lower your expectations. Do NOT expect an active alcoholic NOT to blame YOU for ALL of his problems. Instead, expect that he WILL blame YOU for EVERYTHING. Then, you have nothing to be angry about.

You have said in your post that you made a conscious decision to marry an alcoholic because you WANT to be with an alcoholic. Well, THIS is part of being married to an alcoholic. Just ignore him. But then that doesn't sound like much of a relationship.
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Old 10-21-2010, 11:33 AM
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Originally Posted by Learn2Live View Post
You are saying two completely different things.



On one hand you are saying, "I accept his drinking" and on the other hand you are saying, "I do not accept his drinking." Pick one. You either accept it or you don't. If you accept it (as you say you do) too bad for you that you don't like he is blaming you for his drinking. Because ALL alcoholics blame someone ELSE for their drinking. Work on your anger. Let it go. Lower your expectations. Do NOT expect an active alcoholic NOT to blame YOU for ALL of his problems. Instead, expect that he WILL blame YOU for EVERYTHING. Then, you have nothing to be angry about.

You have said in your post that you made a conscious decision to marry an alcoholic because you WANT to be with an alcoholic. Well, THIS is part of being married to an alcoholic. Just ignore him. But then that doesn't sound like much of a relationship.
She did not say she wanted to marry an alcoholic. She said she was not interested in someone who didn't drink.
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Old 10-21-2010, 12:30 PM
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My experience with my exABF and living with him taught me that even though I loved him, he did not love himself at all.

He had to blame me rather than face himself. It had nothing at all to do with my attitude about any of it.

I am sorry that you are going through this, I am glad you are here. SR and Al-Anon will help you learn to live with his disease, and all that goes along with that.
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Old 10-21-2010, 01:00 PM
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Originally Posted by AWB View Post
She did not say she wanted to marry an alcoholic. She said she was not interested in someone who didn't drink.
Actually, I interpreted that as saying she is attracted to the wrong kind of men.. Indicating she knows she has a "bad picker"... Hmmph.

Complicated issue, which I have no input on though... Sounds like a power trip and pride issue to me, but I could be wayyyyyyyyyyy off.. so no offense.
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Old 10-21-2010, 04:54 PM
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Sorry if I misinterpreted anything Dancing Creek.
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Old 10-21-2010, 09:09 PM
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I took it that she did want to marry an alcoholic as she said that she knew he was an alcoholic when she married him
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Old 10-21-2010, 10:16 PM
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Hmm. You can't stop him from blaming you. He will always do that. It is what alcoholics do.

You don't want to accept it because it is an unacceptable thing. Maybe if you clarified your boundary?

"I will not accept blame for someone else's choices. If someone blames me or uses my actions as an excuse for drinking, I will do xyz" Something that will bring you a measure of peace regardless of what the other person does.

If you followed through, maybe he'd have the sense to keep those thoughts to himself. Personal responsibility and filtering their behavior is a weak point for alcoholics so I wouldn't bet the farm on it or decide on an action/boundary that you wouldn't want to live with.
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Old 10-24-2010, 07:57 PM
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Thank you to everyone for your insight. Some of it was very difficult to hear, but I appreciate it all. I will also be thinking of all the suggestion and facts. For the "I wanted to marry an alcoholic" statement. I don't think anyone wants to marry an alcoholic. I have been in counseling for the majority of my life and it seems I shall always be attracted to the alcoholic regardless of the tools I try to find. Although maybe marriage to one might fix that :-) I haven't been allowed to reply until now for some reason, but again, I do appreciate everyone's comments. I guess I have to suck it all up and either accept his bad with good, or maybe I'll leave him at some point. I truly have no idea right now. Thanks again!
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Old 10-24-2010, 08:07 PM
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Hello, Dancing, and WELCOME to sober recovery.

I hope you will come back here, and often, as another tool in your belt in living in the midst of this disease.

Lying and blaming seem to be second nature for the using addict. I can't imagine that he would regularly be honest and forthright about his drinking - it's just not often done.

It seems to me that you have realized that you are always attracted to addicts. I get that; I am as well. And that you have accepted that. But also, you wish him to be something he (perhaps) is not - like he speaks with a Celtic accent, and you love that, but truly, when he speaks and his accent is coloring his words, you are wishing that his words were colored with a German accent. Does this make sense? What I mean is, that you respond to his certain quality (alcoholism) but inside of you, you wish he were really something different.

I think this is pretty classic.

For me, I have discovered that although I am drawn to alcoholics, I can choose one who is in recovery. As I progress in my own recovery, my standards for other people's treatment of me goes up. I tolerate less. It feels pretty darned good.
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Old 10-24-2010, 08:14 PM
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Just because you are attracted to unhealthy people doesn't mean you have to marry them. That brings a whole set of legal complications into the picture--including joint financial (ir)responsibility.

Anyway, as others have pointed out, his behavior goes with the territory of being an alcoholic. If ALL the alcoholic did was to drink himself silly on a regular basis, a lot of us could put up with it. It would be highly annoying, but more of us could stand to live with it. It's all the OTHER stuff--the blaming, the undependability, the irresponsible decisions, the unreasonable anger, in some cases verbal or physical abuse or infidelity, that pushes us over the edge.

I highly suggest you get to some Al-Anon meetings.
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