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Don't think I want AH to come back

Old 10-20-2010, 04:47 PM
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Don't think I want AH to come back

I don't know where to start, but will say that AH is gone at the moment. Apparently he has not had anything to drink for a month or so. I believe the reason he is not drinking is because he was forced to stop, and not only that, he has to go to rehab again.

I'm not sure I want him back in the house at all -at least not right now. It's always the same thing over and over. He'll do the rehab, AA, counseling for awhile, continue to drink, and get worse. Then be right back to his twisted ways. It's not so much the drinking that bothers me, it's the way he acts towards me. He is very outspoken, rude, and just plain nasty at times. I honestly can't stand him and I've lost patience.

Even when he doesn't drink, he is just miserable to be around, esp when everything doesn't go his way. I hate that....

I am on edge a majority of the time and don't feel good. Is it better to have him stay out until he gets his act together?
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Old 10-20-2010, 04:52 PM
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It is better to have him stay out until you can honestly say that you WANT him to come back. You do have that right, you know. No one should have to live with someone who is disrespectful and rude.
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Old 10-20-2010, 04:56 PM
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What reasons are there to have him back? Sounds like you're pretty sure of your reasons for not wanting him there, so are there any reasons to want him there that are stopping you from not taking him back?
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Old 10-20-2010, 05:13 PM
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Ok he has been more than disrespectful and rude. He has been violent in the past. We separated a few times before, went to marriage counseling, and started individual counseling, though I never went back. Not long after reconciling, drinking starts back up and the counseling and AA stop.
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Old 10-20-2010, 05:26 PM
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I am on edge a majority of the time and don't feel good. Is it better to have him stay out until he gets his act together?
I feel much much better without an alcoholic/addict living with me. I know that living on edge feeling.

He has been violent in the past.
An excellent reason for him not to come back. Especially since you have noticed a pattern.
Have you tried AlAnon?

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Old 10-20-2010, 05:46 PM
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Yes I went to 2 or 3 meetings before I moved. I never knew what to talk about and felt awkward. I started crying as soon as I started to talk, so I didn't say much. I haven't been to any meetings since.

I get embarrassed. Which is probably the reason I stopped counseling also. I only went to 1 counseling session, and the counselor suggested I go to a battered wives group. I never went to that either.

Marriage counseling was the only one I went to for a few months, but I think it made me even more upset. I don't know. I didn't like it.
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Old 10-20-2010, 05:51 PM
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Quote from forge: ((( he has been more than disrespectful and rude. He has been violent in the past. We separated a few times before, went to marriage counseling, and started individual counseling, though I never went back. Not long after reconciling, drinking starts back up and the counseling and AA stop. )))

You have tried counseling, Rehab and AA, have reconciled and still it goes back to square 1 for you. The drinking, the disrespect, the rudeness and even violence against you.....which part of this are you expected to "like" about him or your marriage?

If you don't want him back, don't want to go thru the motions yet again...DON'T.

If you are over it, say so...... and let him either drink up or be a misery sober, whichever he wants, without making your life a hell.

Trust me honey, life is too darn short to waste it on people who waste theirs.
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Old 10-20-2010, 05:57 PM
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Well, a person has one chance with me when it comes to violence. Hit me just one time and you will never get the chance to hit me again. If you are even a little bit afraid of him, then don't let him come back. You are under no obligation to be anyone's punching bag.
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Old 10-20-2010, 06:13 PM
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What should I do

My fiance is an alcoholic and has lost his job and his unemployment has not kicked in yet, he has no money. His family and I have insisted that he stop drinking. he has been sober for 5 days now and he willbe going into rehab in 2 weeks. I told him I want to take him to dinner tomorrow night and he mentined he would like to have 1 scotch. i told him no. How should I handle this, not go to dinner at all, let him order a soctch or what?
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Old 10-20-2010, 06:18 PM
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Hi lb6493,
You are in the right place...others who have been here longer than me will be along to suggest that you start a new thread.

There is a lot of support, and experience and wisdom at this site. Read the information at the top, called "stickys", because they are so helpful and important.

I would not agree to the scotch, btw...doesn't seem like your fiance is ready to give it up yet. But since it's your invite, and you are paying, you should not have to pay for his alcohol...he'll drink one way or another though until he's ready...that is until it is HIS idea to get help, and not yours or his parents.

Good thoughts your way...hang in here. Keep reading and posting.

Last edited by seekingcalm; 10-20-2010 at 06:19 PM. Reason: clarity
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Old 10-20-2010, 07:03 PM
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1 Scotch,2 Scotch,Red Scotch, Blue Scotch.......No Scotch......My XAH literally drank a beer every 7 minutes.....I hated the sound of the poptop! If you are prepared for probably more than 1 Scotch then go to dinner. My X couldn't have 1. For a true alcoholic 1 is too many and 50 is not enough. Your dude isn't done.
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Old 10-20-2010, 07:06 PM
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Originally Posted by Jadmack25 View Post
Quote from forge: ((( he has been more than disrespectful and rude. He has been violent in the past. We separated a few times before, went to marriage counseling, and started individual counseling, though I never went back. Not long after reconciling, drinking starts back up and the counseling and AA stop. )))

You have tried counseling, Rehab and AA, have reconciled and still it goes back to square 1 for you. The drinking, the disrespect, the rudeness and even violence against you.....which part of this are you expected to "like" about him or your marriage?

If you don't want him back, don't want to go thru the motions yet again...DON'T.

If you are over it, say so...... and let him either drink up or be a misery sober, whichever he wants, without making your life a hell.

Trust me honey, life is too darn short to waste it on people who waste theirs.
I didn't like it when it has happened and the words that come out of his mouth are just awful. There are times when it's completely different and the entire situation is so confusing, I feel like my head is spinning sometimes.

I am not over it by any means. The whole thing infuriates me. Actually I don't think I will ever be over it. I am so mad at him and even more mad at myself.
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Old 10-20-2010, 07:12 PM
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Originally Posted by forge View Post
the counselor suggested I go to a battered wives group. I never went to that either.
Please do talk to some one at a domestic violence resource. They're confidential. Meeting with them does not commit you to any course of action, but gives you information and support. I've posted on other threads that a counselor that I went to at the beginning of the year suggested that I go talk to a case manager at the local DV shelter. I was *sure* she meant for me to see what 'real' abuse was and to show me that life with STBXAH wasn't bad - because I was telling myself it wasn't as bad as I thought (STBXAH has never hit me, but was emotionally and sexually abusive). I resisted going. I finally went, and have been going to their educational classes and support groups. It has been one of the best things I have ever done.

They can help you make safety plans, provide you with information on other services available, like support groups, counseling, legal advocates who can help explain what protective orders do and support you while securing protective orders, etc. Just being able to talk to some one face to face who completely understands is so helpful - hard, but amazing.

There is also really helpful information in the stickies (the threads at the top) about domestic violence.

I agree the others who posted, if you don't want him to come back, you don't have to let him come back. Even if he's not 'home' now, please read up on safety plans. I left STBXAH years ago and finally have safety plans in place for how to deal with seeing him.

Wishing you strength and peace.
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Old 10-20-2010, 07:15 PM
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Originally Posted by suki44883 View Post
Well, a person has one chance with me when it comes to violence. Hit me just one time and you will never get the chance to hit me again. If you are even a little bit afraid of him, then don't let him come back. You are under no obligation to be anyone's punching bag.
I always used to think like that before. He's gone to jail in the past. I thought it was the drinking but as I'm reading more and more, I don't think it is. It is him or both. His actions aren't bad when he doesn't drink but he still has that tone in his voice... I don't know how to explain it.
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Old 10-20-2010, 07:27 PM
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I am betting that "that tone" is verbal/emotional abuse.

That really tears us down in every way....I also, reluctantly at first, went to domestic violence counseling.

It has been one of the best things I have ever done for myself.

I second everything "theuncertainty" said above.
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Old 10-20-2010, 07:28 PM
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Originally Posted by theuncertainty View Post
Please do talk to some one at a domestic violence resource. They're confidential. Meeting with them does not commit you to any course of action, but gives you information and support. I've posted on other threads that a counselor that I went to at the beginning of the year suggested that I go talk to a case manager at the local DV shelter. I was *sure* she meant for me to see what 'real' abuse was and to show me that life with STBXAH wasn't bad - because I was telling myself it wasn't as bad as I thought (STBXAH has never hit me, but was emotionally and sexually abusive). I resisted going. I finally went, and have been going to their educational classes and support groups. It has been one of the best things I have ever done.

They can help you make safety plans, provide you with information on other services available, like support groups, counseling, legal advocates who can help explain what protective orders do and support you while securing protective orders, etc. Just being able to talk to some one face to face who completely understands is so helpful - hard, but amazing.

There is also really helpful information in the stickies (the threads at the top) about domestic violence.

I agree the others who posted, if you don't want him to come back, you don't have to let him come back. Even if he's not 'home' now, please read up on safety plans. I left STBXAH years ago and finally have safety plans in place for how to deal with seeing him.

Wishing you strength and peace.
I don't think he'd do anything to keep me here, always says he'll help me go and get things set up. He is just a very mean drinker (once he get to a certain point). Then comes the mouth, and all the rest.

I guess I don't want to talk to counselors because I already know it's abuse of every kind. I've bought a bunch of books and have been reading them.
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Old 10-20-2010, 07:42 PM
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Originally Posted by Live View Post
I am betting that "that tone" is verbal/emotional abuse.

That really tears us down in every way....I also, reluctantly at first, went to domestic violence counseling.

It has been one of the best things I have ever done for myself.

I second everything "theuncertainty" said above.

Yea, I've been called everything you can imagine. Just not as bad when he doesn't drink. Though he'll occasionally call me derogatory names or to "F off" when completely sober.

Where do I look to get into domestic violence counseling? What would I have to do?
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Old 10-20-2010, 07:43 PM
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Well, counselors can give you advice, we can give you advice, loved ones can give you advice, but when it comes right down to it, you are going to do whatever you want to do. I hope you will keep yourself safe and sane. Good luck.
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Old 10-20-2010, 10:47 PM
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Forge, hang in there. I'm sorry; I really didn't mean to tell you what to do. When you're ready, contact from a safe place:

National Domestic Violence Hotline (US): 1-800-799-7233 or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY For The Deaf)

United States DV Resources by State
has information by state

They can direct you to local assistance programs and local programs can help you find counseling, support groups and other resources in your area.

Here's how it worked for me: I called the local DV shelter and spoke with a case worker. We met face to face and she listened to me explain what I'd been living with, what I was going through, basically gave me an ear to vent to. She found out what information and services I needed, gave me information about the cycle of abuse, and a class and support meeting schedule.

Yes, safety plans are generally described as ways to get away from an abuser. However they're also for how to stay safe when dealing with an abuser. I don't think I'm being clear... For instance, one of my safety plans includes the following: A friend or family member will be with me when STBXAH comes to pick up DS for his supervised visits; a phone is always on hand to call the police in case he gets abusive; I do not let STBX in the house - he stays on the porch - while DS is getting his coat and boots on.

A safety plan is specific to what your situation is: whether it's trying to leave, having to see him at certain times, or what to do if you run into him in public.

Best wishes, Forge. Take gentle care of yourself.
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Old 10-21-2010, 04:44 AM
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hi forge-

hey, you don't have to live with him if you don't want to. it's your life.

mine used to quit drinking and be repentent just long enough to hook me back, and then it would all start over again.

oh, and being sober whilst imprisoned doesn't really count, as it's forced sobriety.

try to take care of yourself. for me, part of that meant getting some distance and space to process the abuse i had suffered. my therapist helped me a lot too.

i know for myself, i need peace in my home. i love coming home now, shutting my door and having peace! plus, i can make whatever i want to eat, i can talk to whoever i want to talk to, my bills are in good order and i can sleep without worrying that he'll burn the house down with druncken cooking at 2am.

if you feel to, can you let us know a bit more about the violence? is there a restraining order in place? do you feel safe?

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