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Old 10-21-2010, 07:50 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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So sorry for what your going thru!!

I was in an abusive relationship as well. Verbal/emotional...and at times physical. Its a terrible way to live. I was pushed around...screamed at constantly while he was angry...choked...ahhh...that part scared me more than anything along with the look upon his face while he was doing it!!! I was soooo torn apart wondering WHY??? What have i done to deserve this??
Truth is...theres was NOTHING that i had done to be treated in that manner. This guy was a mess...alcholic/porn addicted/selfish/messed up/sorry excuse of a man. I had ALOT to learn as to why i CHOSE to give six years to a man that didnt even love himself...so how could i have ever thought he could possibly love me!
Change didnt come until i made a choice to quit trying to save his sorry azz...and decided im the would who needed saving..because i was close to loosing something i probbly needed for what time i possibbly had left...MY MIND!!!!
They are not always on their worst behaviour...they show us the so called good side...the charming...for all appearances LOVING...seemingly strong side of them!!! If not...we wouldnt have fallen for them in the first place. And slowly but surley the bad side rears its ugly head..kinda catches you off guard...its like whoa...were did that come from!!! Sooo..you begin to question yourself about the choice you have made...only to have him assure you..that will NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN!!! Baby im so sorry, i dont know what i was thinking. Please forgive me...you will wont you???
And all is well...atleast for just awhile...and you think it was just a caught up in the moment thing...seems to be behind us now. A week or two goes by and before you know it...anger over some ( seemingly small incident)...leaves him furious and in your face!!! And instead of telling yourself (its time to go...you had your chance..you have shown me who you really are..its over!)
NOPE...we begin to think...what am i dong so wrong...i need to change..ive got to take a good look at what ive done to upset him. Hes just really stressed latley...ill be more loving..and patient..and understanding..and we will get through this...hes drinking more latley...I AM WOMAN...I CAN FIX THIS!!! And before you know it...hes hurting you and and breaking you down with words alone...never mind the fact hes physically tearing you down as well...But the one who should matter the most is being neglected and abused...still trying to hold on and change/fix/love...be there for...this...man.
Before you know it...you have made up so many excuses for him...over black eyes...and degrading remarks against you...and that drunken episode..it was just the alchol(wasnt it) brings out the worst in everyone(doesNT it!) He really loves me(dont he?) says nobody else would really want me!!! Ive already stayed a year or two...guess i need to see this thru!! No body seems to understand..they dont really know my....man. Not like i do(?) (?) (?)
Sorry...just got carried away. Its just the point im trying to make is this..nobody deserves to be treated with disrespect. Nobody deserves to be abused. You cant save/fix/or help ANYBODY...who is happy being just the way they are. You are responsible for taking care of the person who should matter the most....AND THATS YOU!!! Theres no excuses...i had to quit making excuses for him...and start asking myself How the hell did YOU end up here...and what are YOU going to do about it. I educated myself about abusive relationships...about alchol addiction...about co-depedance..i read every book i could get my hands on..every web site that held some truth as to my situation(INCLUDING soberrecovery) sooooo...needless to say..it was time to put what i learned into action.
Im in a much better place today...and it breaks my heart when i hear stories of abuse. I just want to leave you with this....theres only ONE you...YOU deserve so much more out of the ONE life you have been given! Dont let ONE more day pass you by wasting it away on someone who says they love you/want you/need you...when their actions show they have no idea what love is even about!!! If you find yourself in a abusive relationship..you are NOT helpless...you are NOT hopeless...you just have some hard choices to make! And if...hopefully when.. you find yourself saying ENOUGH IS ENOUGH...take what you have learned...and share it with others. Because trust me....hearing and reading that i was not alone...gave me strength and saved my life!!! Love you guys..and thanks for being open..honest..and REAL!!
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Old 10-21-2010, 08:23 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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wow, learningtoluvme...that about sums it up! well said. thank you!
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Old 10-25-2010, 03:28 PM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by naive View Post


mine used to quit drinking and be repentent just long enough to hook me back, and then it would all start over again.


He has done that a good bit.

oh, and being sober whilst imprisoned doesn't really count, as it's forced sobriety.


That's what I'm worried about. I doubt it will last.



i know for myself, i need peace in my home. i love coming home now, shutting my door and having peace! plus, i can make whatever i want to eat, i can talk to whoever i want to talk to, my bills are in good order and i can sleep without worrying that he'll burn the house down with druncken cooking at 2am.


I like being home myself because I don't have to deal with him. He also does the drunken AM cooking


if you feel to, can you let us know a bit more about the violence? is there a restraining order in place? do you feel safe?


I feel safe most of the time, just anxious when he drinks sometimes. He goes on these rants about whatever he feels like shouting about. It doesn't even have to be something that happened, just something he thinks happened. He is paranoid. Sometimes he picks arguments. Sometimes throws things. Has flipped over furniture. Tried to throw me out. Amongst others...

He still blames it on the alcohol. I did at first too, though I think it's a separate issue. Not everyone who drinks alcohol is violent.
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Old 10-25-2010, 03:32 PM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by learning2luvme View Post
I was in an abusive relationship as well. Verbal/emotional...and at times physical. Its a terrible way to live. I was pushed around...screamed at constantly while he was angry...choked...ahhh...that part scared me more than anything along with the look upon his face while he was doing it!!! I was soooo torn apart wondering WHY??? What have i done to deserve this??
Truth is...theres was NOTHING that i had done to be treated in that manner. This guy was a mess...alcholic/porn addicted/selfish/messed up/sorry excuse of a man. I had ALOT to learn as to why i CHOSE to give six years to a man that didnt even love himself...so how could i have ever thought he could possibly love me!
Change didnt come until i made a choice to quit trying to save his sorry azz...and decided im the would who needed saving..because i was close to loosing something i probbly needed for what time i possibbly had left...MY MIND!!!!
They are not always on their worst behaviour...they show us the so called good side...the charming...for all appearances LOVING...seemingly strong side of them!!! If not...we wouldnt have fallen for them in the first place. And slowly but surley the bad side rears its ugly head..kinda catches you off guard...its like whoa...were did that come from!!! Sooo..you begin to question yourself about the choice you have made...only to have him assure you..that will NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN!!! Baby im so sorry, i dont know what i was thinking. Please forgive me...you will wont you???
And all is well...atleast for just awhile...and you think it was just a caught up in the moment thing...seems to be behind us now. A week or two goes by and before you know it...anger over some ( seemingly small incident)...leaves him furious and in your face!!! And instead of telling yourself (its time to go...you had your chance..you have shown me who you really are..its over!)
NOPE...we begin to think...what am i dong so wrong...i need to change..ive got to take a good look at what ive done to upset him. Hes just really stressed latley...ill be more loving..and patient..and understanding..and we will get through this...hes drinking more latley...I AM WOMAN...I CAN FIX THIS!!! And before you know it...hes hurting you and and breaking you down with words alone...never mind the fact hes physically tearing you down as well...But the one who should matter the most is being neglected and abused...still trying to hold on and change/fix/love...be there for...this...man.
Before you know it...you have made up so many excuses for him...over black eyes...and degrading remarks against you...and that drunken episode..it was just the alchol(wasnt it) brings out the worst in everyone(doesNT it!) He really loves me(dont he?) says nobody else would really want me!!! Ive already stayed a year or two...guess i need to see this thru!! No body seems to understand..they dont really know my....man. Not like i do(?) (?) (?)
Sorry...just got carried away. Its just the point im trying to make is this..nobody deserves to be treated with disrespect. Nobody deserves to be abused. You cant save/fix/or help ANYBODY...who is happy being just the way they are. You are responsible for taking care of the person who should matter the most....AND THATS YOU!!! Theres no excuses...i had to quit making excuses for him...and start asking myself How the hell did YOU end up here...and what are YOU going to do about it. I educated myself about abusive relationships...about alchol addiction...about co-depedance..i read every book i could get my hands on..every web site that held some truth as to my situation(INCLUDING soberrecovery) sooooo...needless to say..it was time to put what i learned into action.
Im in a much better place today...and it breaks my heart when i hear stories of abuse. I just want to leave you with this....theres only ONE you...YOU deserve so much more out of the ONE life you have been given! Dont let ONE more day pass you by wasting it away on someone who says they love you/want you/need you...when their actions show they have no idea what love is even about!!! If you find yourself in a abusive relationship..you are NOT helpless...you are NOT hopeless...you just have some hard choices to make! And if...hopefully when.. you find yourself saying ENOUGH IS ENOUGH...take what you have learned...and share it with others. Because trust me....hearing and reading that i was not alone...gave me strength and saved my life!!! Love you guys..and thanks for being open..honest..and REAL!!
All too familiar. Thank you. You described it so well.
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Old 10-25-2010, 03:33 PM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by theuncertainty View Post
Forge, hang in there. I'm sorry; I really didn't mean to tell you what to do. When you're ready, contact from a safe place:

National Domestic Violence Hotline (US): 1-800-799-7233 or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY For The Deaf)

United States DV Resources by State
has information by state

They can direct you to local assistance programs and local programs can help you find counseling, support groups and other resources in your area.

Here's how it worked for me: I called the local DV shelter and spoke with a case worker. We met face to face and she listened to me explain what I'd been living with, what I was going through, basically gave me an ear to vent to. She found out what information and services I needed, gave me information about the cycle of abuse, and a class and support meeting schedule.

Yes, safety plans are generally described as ways to get away from an abuser. However they're also for how to stay safe when dealing with an abuser. I don't think I'm being clear... For instance, one of my safety plans includes the following: A friend or family member will be with me when STBXAH comes to pick up DS for his supervised visits; a phone is always on hand to call the police in case he gets abusive; I do not let STBX in the house - he stays on the porch - while DS is getting his coat and boots on.

A safety plan is specific to what your situation is: whether it's trying to leave, having to see him at certain times, or what to do if you run into him in public.

Best wishes, Forge. Take gentle care of yourself.
Thank you for posting this information.
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Old 10-25-2010, 03:59 PM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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when my xabf went to jail the last time i stuck by him without really wanting to becasue he promised he would change and in the time i had without him i realised that i didnt really like him sober either but didnt have the nerve to tell him so.

so i gave it one more go and guess what?
he lasted a week and was back in and in that week i got a black eye,verbal abuse and a drunk smashing my windows,i now so wish i had listened to my gut and never gave him another chance.

if your having thoughts that you dont want him back then YOU DONT WANT HIM BACK!
I know its hard and you feel guilty,but you should listen to what you are telling yourself, i know i wished i had.

xx
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Old 10-25-2010, 05:09 PM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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This thread has become very sticky; posting more than just about alcoholism......BUT about domestic violence. My heart goes out to everyone here that has had their lifes affected by domestic violence. Humans, I really can't call them humans, who commit domestic violence have been able to wear their mates down to their submission.

When we are on the outside looking in as many of us are, the solution seems perfectly clear.

So why do many of them stay in that situation? Life is not simple and asking victims of domestic violence why don't they leave can be the equivalent of asking someone who has fallen into quicksand why don't they just pull themselves out?

1. The Children

There are all kinds of things that go with this. The victim may be thinking about their future; emotionally and economically. So they tell themselves the best thing to do is stay together and give the appearance of normalcy for the kids' sake even though they are the main eyewitnesses to what is going on.

2. Manipulation

The abuser knows the exact buttons to push on his victim. A sincere apology complete with waterworks, sweet words of love accompanied by a gentle touch and countless other tricks. Children are also used as an emotional weapon to keep the victim from leaving. There are some women who need to be needed so badly they'll put up with anything. Even if the guy beats the crap out of them, they just feel that responsible for the other person.

3. Social Embarrassment

Forget the physical abuse or the constant fearing for their lives. That's small potatoes compared to what people on the outside would think. As far as some victims are concerned if they leave the relationship then others may find out what's going on. Being physically assaulted is one thing; public humiliation in their opinion is a whole lot worse.

4. The Scary Future

Maybe they have been married so long that it is hard for them to comprehend going out on their own. It also may be that the abuser has created the illusion of total dependency; telling the victim over and over again that there is no way they would never be successful by themselves. That's another form of manipulation easy to accomplish since abuse and low self esteem go hand in hand.

5. The Violent Future

The abuser who has been enjoying unlimited power has lost control and will do anything to get it back.

HERE IS THE FORMULA FOR SURVIVING AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP:

1. Admit that the violence is VIOLENCE
2. Call the local Authorities at the first sign of physical violence
3. Obtain a Restraining Order
4. Tell a friend or family member. Don’t go at this alone. You need the support.
5. Draw the line in the sand and tell him how you feel when things are calm.
6. Make the decision to Leave. Remember, violence begets violence.
7. Leave
8. Re-claim your life. “Do the You inside”.
9. Assuming there will be another relationship someday, take it slow, and set boundaries.

You were not designed as a punching bag, nor should you assume the role of the injured duck. You have strength, will, and resiliency. Leave now, before the “Breaking News” becomes YOU. Claim your life back. Do it now.

Forge, I don't understand the reason you are so scared of counselors. I was a state licensed therapist. And, God knows, I haven't had a bed of roses for a life. In fact most good therapists have lived it, learned from it, and survived it!
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