Alcoholism and gambling and lying, oh my!
 

Well, the STBXAH stopped drinking, for now anyway. We even reconciled for a month. He now attends AA meetings twice weekly, and got his 30 day chip last week. Sounds good, no?

Not so much. Since he is no longer drinking, he has started playing the slots again, to the tune of 800$ in two days. I'm sure many better things could have been done with that money. But alas, I have no control over what the man chooses to do.

So, ix-nay on the reconciliation plans! It's back to no-contact for me. Thought drinking was his only issue, but it seems that when one addiction is under control, another one will pop up and take it's place.

I prefer my life lie-free. Which is what I relaize it will never be as long as I let him into it.

Oh well, had to give it another shot! Picking myself back up, dusting off, and back on my own path. :ring

I understand it is something to do with dopamine. The dopamine rush they get in their brain is apparently the same when they gamble (especially slot machines), drink, sex, smoke crack and likely other things.

Glad you see your slip for what it was and are good for getting back up on that horse.

That sounds about right, L2L. It's like his brain, no longer getting the chemical hit from the booze, is creating it's own little cocktail to create the buzz he clearly misses.

Either way, I can't compete with that. He's wired to be an addict, and I can't fix that. He can put himself in the poorhouse, but I won't be going with him.

Not gonna lie, though--had a bit of hope when he started going to AA. *sigh*

Hi,

Went through all kinds of addictions with exabf...the bottom line, is that he will die an addict. It will be one or several addictions that will be his demise.

I hopped off the rollercoaster, just couldn't do it for another moment.

Keep your resolve,and, take care of you!

Ah Dopamine deprivation.

I mentioned to a lass at Alanon so years ago, when she asked why her chap went from one addiction to a new one....."Dopamine"

She looked kinda puzzled and said "Dopamine? Yes, the dope is mine.

About 20 people had convulsions and rolled on the floor, and I bet they still remember it as the wackiest meeting we ever had.

Dollydo, that is exactly the way I am feeling. I just don't want to wait around and see what his addict brain moves onto next. Alcoholism, gambling--he'll always feed that part of his brain that needs a jolt. Silly ol' me thought his problem was only alcohol!

And Jadmack, thanks for the laugh :) ---yes, that dope was also mine!

It is his addiction he loves, not me. And his addiction is a wily shape-shifter, jealously guarding its host. The more I learn about addiction, the more it seems like a dark spirit.

I've been here before too PaintBaby, with two separate addicts/alcoholics. You get to it when you get to it. Now at least you know. Let it provide the motivation for you to dream your wildest dreams and actively PURSUE them. All the time, attention and energy you would have put toward HIM, put toward YOU. :grouphug:

I think the correct medical term for the alcoholic is not the dopamine, but

"TheDopeInMe"

Oh I have been there.
When he quit smoking, he got addicted to the anti smoking gum. That was 4 years ago and he still chews the gum several times a day.
When he couldnt drink, the nyquil came out or any other over the counter medication we had in the house.
My muscle relaxers suddenly started disappearing.
I really think he was even addicted to clothes shopping. I never saw a man clothes shop as much as him.
And he was addicted to me. Or any other woman that gave him attention.
This was all in addition to the alcohol.
Everyday it seemed like something new..

I can relate. When my ex stopped drinking (he did it on his own w/out any asking from me), I was thrilled, I thought things were going to get better.
Well they got worse. This is when most of the "dry" behaviors came out.

He started to smoke more, eat anything in site and then had this "addiction" to female attention and using the internet mostly every weeknight to chat with other women.
He pretty much stopped seeing me during the week as well.
Then he started to going out for coffee after meetings (prob to meet women)
Anything to feed his addictive personality. And then the cheating! Had I not caught him, I have no doubt it would have continued, but he still saw this married woman once I left. and prob still does.

He did start a step group this week, but I'm really not even sure he knows what his issues really are.

You always hope for the best and I've seen many couples make it out of the darkest moments, but that ONLY works if two people are in recovery and ONLY if the non addict can accept that the addict will always be one.

Hard situation

Thank you, folks.

The good news is, I never fully bought back into our reconciliation, so after the initial sting, I'm back on my own path, looking forward to big plans, including a move across the country as soon as I can sell my place. I'm looking forward to putting thousands of miles between me and the STBXAH, let me tell you.

I think my addict is addicted to female attention, too. He's got a good voice, and loves going to karaoke bars to get positive strokes for his singing. While we were apart, I heard from various sources that he was acting like quite the fool at gigs with his band, trying to pick up any female that would have him. (none did, as his drunken behaviour was off the charts) I also recall a rather bountiful porn collection I discovered a year into our relationship as well---which he swore he was no longer into. I'm pretty sure it is only a matter of time before he gets back into that again, too, full throttle.

His brain is a dark and twisted place, and it is becoming clear to me how badly I was manipulated during our relationship. I also recently learned that he was trashing me to his ex whenever we had issues, so add gross disloyalty to the mix and there's a situation I am MORE than happy to be free of!

Addictions can be conquered, character flaws not so much.

I hear ya about having one foot in and one foot out for the month!
Who wouldn't?

I have a running joke about me and breakups and 1000 miles. :)
It's always a good time to move ;)

Or are addictions the result of character flaws? Can you separate them? I don't know if I can.
You sound resigned, as acceptance as set in? That's good :)

There is nothing like a fresh start, Live! I am looking forwar to a new place, a new home, and new faces---no bad memories there, just great ones waiting to be made!

And brokenheart, I am more than resigned--and relieved, too. I have given the relationship and marriage umpteen bajillion chances, and my STBXAH never disappointed in his ability to disappoint. I stuck by him through alot of trials and tribulations, waiting for that better day to come, despite evidence to the contrary again and again and again. It isn't going to come---even if he stops drinking. He has been showing me, since the beginning, that I will never come before addiction, lies or deceit. I said I would give it one more shot, and he did stop drinking. But he is still an addict, and still has the addict's way of lies and secrecy.

Life is too short. Soooooo short! I want to be happy, and attract good things. Can't do that while I try to hang onto something that is poisoning me. Actions are truth. His actions are telling me that he will always protect his addictions, and lie to do so. So I will beleive him. Without truth, there is nothing. And if I live a lie, then I lose myself. I was starting to feel as if I was fading away, just a general numbness. When he is gone, I can breathe again. I feel hope. It feels like a dark presence is gone from my household.

A very eloquent description of a codie bottom. Thanks, and good luck.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote