Jenny1232

It wasn't unwanted! He said, and I quote: "Punch me in the face". IT MAKES NO SENSE, I GET THAT. It certainly doesn't help it was AT A BAR and we were ALL drunk.

Now really, who's going to believe that? The simple fact that his statements were conflicting with that of the OFFICER who witnessed it should have invalidated his credibility. None of it makes sense to me.

No, the EPO was not in order anymore. It was a 3 day order, dated over a month ago.

The thing is, the story IS chaotic and sounds absolutely ridiculous. It would be hard to convince them what really happened. I just can't believe with them knowing that HIM and HIS witness weren't telling the whole truth that they still charged me.

Honestly, I was naive. I never imagined him to do something like this.. as I said, I loved this man. I was in absolute denial. We were "playing" around when all this happened. I have no freaking idea he would do this.. and I didn't want to consider him crazy... I wouldn't let myself believe that.

It pisses me off that this guy has choked me, yanked me down stairs, bruised me, shattered my objects, etc... and HE files assualt against ME. He's just a disgusting, ugly person.

naive

sober up, girlfriend.

you are hurt and a lot of drink is not going to help.

work the tools of recovery.

that all sounds way too crazy.

maybe time for a time-out! sit with yourself and get to know yourself.

naive

Jenny1232

LOL, I stopped drinking a month ago... I don't WANT to drink. It was my way of coping with his loss.. and I don't miss him anymore. I don't want/nor need to drink.

I'm very peturbed right now. Not sure if it's the ****** weather, but I feel as if I'm being addressed in the wrong manner. I'm going to step aside now, because this all all being taken in a different direction.

Thank you though, I'm having a BAD day.

Bolina

Apologies, Jenny. I know you aren't hearing what you wanted after your first post and I take some responsibility for that.

Yes it sucked. And I, for one, am delighted that you are focussing on your recovery and therapy and hope you are able to go through all of this with your RL support.

You still climbing?

Jenny1232

Sorry, I do not mean to be nasty. I feel like crying suddenly. I'm having a horrible day. This whole thing with court just tore my world apart. When things with work were seeming to go in the right direction, I got F'ed. I said I take ownership in it, BUT LIES that RUIN my chance at a good career are just uncalled for. UGH.. I'm so F'ing upset right now. My apologies.

What is RL?

Yes, I still climb. The only person I enjoyed climbing with just took off for San Diego.. so I guess it's back to me and my lonesome self. I met someone yesterday who climbs and we exchanged numbers, so maybe I'll have a new friend/partner.

I'm just irritated that suddenly I'm thrown in the "sober up" category, when I had my wake-up call on Sept. 15th. I realized what I was doing was INSANE and I instantly just STOPPED... I re-focused back on recovery, healthy diet, positive influences and working out consistently.

I feel as if my efforts are undermined... deeming me a failure. I live my life feeling like a failure - and I guess I came here for validation.. and I feel like I got punched in the gut repeatedly.

Like I said, probably just my crumby mood of the day.. Not to mention it's been forever since I posted. I feel really rude right now, but I guess part of my recovery is learning to fully express my feelings, whether they're uncomfortable or not. So here they are.

You asked how therapy was going... I must say, I've learned a great deal. I cry nearly every session over things I never knew bothered me. It sucks.. It really sucks and it makes me think I'm truly a disturbed individual with little hope of a full recovery and shot at normal life.

Want to know why I think I don't like this new guy? Truthfully, he's smart, he's educated, he has a great job and he's extremely good looking.

Guess what? I don't feel good enough for him. I feel like if I can pinpoint his shortcomings and tell myself I don't like him anymore, that when he later rejects me (or I do first) that it won't hurt and negatively affect myself esteem. He told me yesterday he didn't understand why I thought so poorly of myself, and THAT scares me. He hardly knows me.. tells me how worthy I am.. and I'm sure he's just going to run because I'm not a smart, educated confident woman.

There we have my true feelings.. that I didn't even put together until right now... ;-/

seekingcalm

You know, sometimes I think we here at SR with our posting, new threads, or responses to others, often uncover our own true feelings, or place in our own recovery...from whatever.

So it's not always on a reflection of how we feel about the poster, as much as our own feelings and experiences coming through.

But if all of the confusion brings you clarity ultimately, it's a good thing, right?

I think, being here at SR means that we understand and no apologies are necessary. Lots of raw nerves here sometimes. It's a process.

Bolina

(((hugs)))

I totally get that not good enough feeling. I have to dash right now, so sorry to leave you when you've just said all of that, but rest assured I'll be thinking of you and will come back later to post some more. You're not alone. I think that feeling is at the crux of a lot of the problems that al-anoners have. Actually, that most people have, particularly in the West. We're conditioned to feel like that - it's what keeps people in business. Add in a whole load of unrealistic expectations that we learn from birth, then that is a potent recipe for not-good-enoughness.

Hang in there.

LaTeeDa

For me, I found the two were related. In other words, I liked to have sex because it made me feel valued, desired, worthy, whatever. I too thought little of myself, but at least I had my body, which men liked and wanted. Might be something to explore with your therapist?

Also, I think you misunderstood the concept of BOB. It's not a real live boyfriend, it's a Battery Operated Boyfriend. They sell 'em in stores and online, lol.

L

Freedom1990

Bingo! For me, sex was the ultimate form of validation.

hello-kitty

Wow. That's insanity right there.

I hope you can see the writing on the wall and start making some serious changes in your life before you get into anymore trouble. I don't think it's hopeless. But I hate to see anyone ruin their life because they can't control themselves or their sexual urges.

Learn2Live

Weird, just this morning as I was getting ready for work I thought, "I wonder what happened to Jenny?" And here you are. Glad you're OK. Ready to move on yet?

fourmaggie

OMG! now that made my night to laugh all nite long....*giggles for at least 5 mins*

BLUEBALLS!!!
not that i have shares in the BATTERY COMPANYS or anything...LOL

HealingWillCome

Doubly weird -- me too!

Glad you're back, Jenny. Now stick around! This is a much better place to get validation than where you've been the last couple of months. Welcome back.

Babyblue

I work with troubled new mothers and very often they don't see how the choices they make can have lasting consequences. Choices that set about a chain of events that spiral out of control.

Even if the outcome wasn't fair in your eyes, odds are there wasn't going to be a good outcome regardless if a judge was involved or not. You were drunk, in a bar, with the abusive ex with whom you were still having issues with.

There wasn't going to be a positive outcome regardless.

Hope you find peace for yourself soon.

theuncertainty

Hi, Jenny. Glad to see you again, but sorry about the cr-p you've been through. I think your OP and question was really about the new guy and relationships, right?

From this quote:
It doesn’t sound like dating or seeing this guy (or doing whatever with him) works for you. If you’re not a casual type of gal, expecting to go into a relationship for just casual fun isn’t a realistic approach.

and here:

Good for you for seeing this. BTW, I think you’ve answered your own question.

We don’t have to shut out some one if it fits or works, but in order to figure out if a relationship does work, we need to first know what we want in a relationship. I have recently found myself really wanting some one to love me and protect me and take care of me. I have to remind myself that just jumping into any relationship when I feel this way is very likely a recipe for disaster. My marriage was hell for years; I do not want to subject myself or DS to more of the same. The only way to break the cycle is to take the time to work on myself. I’ve heard it again and again, here, Al-Anon, counseling, my DV support group: if I want a relationship with an emotionally healthy, strong, smart, caring, etc.… man, I first have to become that same type of person.

Before I take the step of looking for a BF, I want to know who I am and what I like. I want my own friends. Yep. It’ll be scary: reconnecting with myself, putting myself out there to meet and make new friends, reconnecting with old friends, after being isolated by STBXAH, but so worth it!

Hang in there, Jenny.

Jadmack25

Just a thought that popped into my head.

If you don't think you are good enough for someone, you won't be.

Okay Naive, translate for me please.

Live

You know what Jenny, I had a similar experience.

I had been to the grocery and was driving out to the XAABF's house where we were to have dinner.

We most certainly had not been getting along, ...but I had a mission in mind that I wanted to get settled.
He had some old cheesecake photos of me and had threatened to blackmail me with them.
Oh lord, in my mind, I could see him making paper copies and putting them under the windshields of people I worked with and etc.
I intended to have a nice dinner and then get my photos back.

Well as I was driving to his house...there was his car at the bar..and we sort of had an agreement that I wouldn't be around him when he had been drinking.
This is where I really went wrong...I stopped and went into the bar.
I yelled at him for being there.
But then he said something to me that just had that lost little boy sound and look and I smiled and cupped my hand and put it on his cheek and answered him.

Still he wouldn't leave and I was pissed off and I deposited the pecan pie in his car seat upside down.

But I still went on to his house as we had agreed to meet there because I was going to get those photos..I felt I had to have those before I could be done with him..I didn't want that hanging out there and over my head.

He did come home about an half an hour later.
That was the night we argued and he lost it and physically abused me to the point I feel lucky the crazy SOB didn't kill me.

I did get hold of the cops and had him arrested.
You know what he did? He had his buddies fabricate eye witness statements that I slapped him in the face and some very exagerated reports of vandalizing his car.

And he had broken into my car when I was at work several times before...I think he must have snuck and made a duplicate key to get into it.
I didn't report it because I was afraid of "antagonizing" him and his revenge.

Not saying what I did was right, my gut told when I saw the car at the bar to not react, but I did it anyway.

Well he really got crazy on me and physically beat me up and then tied me up.
I had dumped the pecan car in his seat.

Know what...we both got charged with the same battery charge plus I got charged with the vandalism.
I spent the night in the pokey. So did he,,I was locked in a cell and I could hear him roaming the hallway joking with the sheriff's dept.!

I was coerced into pleading guily and put on a deferal program such that if I didn't get into any trouble for a year it would be sort of like dropped. Still not clear how that worked.

The whole thing was unjust.
The good thing about it is that it got me into domestic violence counseling.
And the sheriffs got the photos. LOL

I know as sure as I know my name that I had real reason to fear his blackmail threat. He would have done it.
And he would have continued to mess with me.

In fact, he did. A Protective order was issued and he would time it to go down the road when ever I got to work and would holler at me and wave and smile when I got out of my car. I even had a security escort into the building.
And he messed with me in many other ways.

So I hear you when you say yours is crazy vengeful.
and that you were charged falsely with battery.

And to add that little extra..when the sheriffs phoned over a year later about releasing the photos..they were going to give them back to me but somehow he heard about it or something and he put in a claim that they were his!
mind you they had been taken by my XH years before I even met him.
and if I recall he had slipped in and stolen them out of my house.
Nevertheless I would have had to put up money and file a suit to claim them.

Insane.
Why wasn't he charged with criminal confinement..he admitted to it...but said he did it to keep me from destroying his personal property???!!!
and blackmail??? and etc?

I had to forget about winning the fight and just formulate a plan for myself.

oh....I got bailed out in the morning and went to work...and unknown to me ..he was hid in his car watching me.
Guess he wanted to see my reaction to jail and if he had caused me to lose my job.

hello-kitty

No contact is always a good rule of thumb when it comes to ex Addict boyfriends - especially when we suspect that they are dangerous sociopaths.

Hard lesson learned.

Ya know, IF my moods were all over the place, and I couldn't control myself, and I suffered from sexual addiction, eating disorders, dating really bad men, was depressed, and and get into trouble with the law AND I was self medicating with alcohol, I would want to do anything I could to help myself get better. Including trying medication. Especially if there was a possibility it could help me have a better life.

And if my doctor or therapist didn't recognize that I might need medical help to balance my moods, I would get a second opinion.

I would do it to save myself from myself.

(((hugs)))

But I digress, however you find recovery, I just hope you find it soon.

Jenny1232

Thanks Hello-Kitty, way to lay it out, lol. You guys always said NO CONTACT... and I just couldn't do it. Hard lesson learned, correct. Sooo glad I did.

Ughhh... Well a lot to respond to here. Last night blew... it just blew. I still have MAJOR issues. I haven't binged in purged in soooooooooooo long.. and I went home and did just that. The crappy part is.. it reminded me HOW GOOD IT FELT. The eating wasn't as fun as the throwing up was. When I was all finished, I felt refreshed. Not good.

As far as the medication, I really don't want medicine... I'm still holding the belief I can cure myself. Perhaps once classes start up, and I fully move past this (Yes, L2L, I'M READY TO MOVE ON).. that I'll be okay. Aside from this whole court thing.. the past month has been the happiest I have EVER been in my life. All of that is through my weekly climbing, hiking, gym time, therapy, green smoothies, etc! Honestly, I feel more good than I do bad.

Live, that is freakin CRAZY! All my criminal friends are always saying, "**** the Police" and "Screw the Commonwealth", etc... I've always stood BY the law... Well, I still respect police, but as far as the commonwealth is concerned, I'm a little sickened by their methods and procedures. The prosecutor knew what he had done, and she still wanted to charge me. Oh well, it's over now.

and BOB.. Dang it.. I wanted a real "BOB", lol. Believe it or not.. I don't use sex for validation. I am an extremely sexual person and having sex calms my mood. Maybe it is an addiction? I am far from promiscuious and have not had sex with many people at all, so I'm unsure. I feel desirable in general because I get a lot of unwanted attention from guys, and without sounding concieted (because I'm NOT).. I know I get could sex from pretty much whoever. Who knows... I'll never understand myself. Maybe you're right.

I guess again this goes back to feeling like my efforts are undermined. I feel as if you guys think I'm doing NOTHING for myself. Yes, I was self-medicating with alcohol... and the moment I realized what was happening I just STOPPED. I have been attending therapy once a week, and doing all these lovely things that are in fact helping me feel better. Why is this not enough? Because I'm still behind? Because I'm still crazy? I don't get it... I love this site and it's helped so much, but I guess I always feel so weak when I come here, and maybe that's why I stopped. I'm not trying to attack anyone.. these are just my feelings. I also wasn't in any mindset for a while to read.. but I feel better in that regard now.

"But I hate to see anyone ruin their life because they can't control themselves or their sexual urges."

Like that.. I don't really think that is relevant to my situation, and maybe things got misconstrued. Ruining my life and my sexual urges are two separate situations at the moment. Having sex with this new guy isn't causing any harm... and ruining my life was the drinking at a bar with my psychotic ex (which is no longer happening). I've never been one to have casual sex as I said.. because I often felt like I didn't deserve it. Perhaps for once I thought, "hey, it's normal.. most people do it" and I told myself.. well Jenny, you deserve it. NOW, I feel like I'm dirty, because of the reactions from you guys towards MY actions...

Is it so wrong? Am I a **** now? Gahhhh, maybe I'm taking this all the wrong way. I'm sorry if I sound like I'm coming across in a bad manner.. just trying to understand I think, and sort through my crappy emotions/feelings. I really do appreciate everyones feedback, even if it hurts.

posiesperson

Jenny, hugs to you. And good for you for coming here to talk about all of this. Honesty WILL set you free....I've found I've healed so much just by coming here and pouring it out, seeing my words and having the honest feedback from our SR family.

Jadmack, your statement struck me: "If you don't think you are good enough for someone, you won't be." Yup, so, so true. My exA occasionally said, "Posie, you are out of my league." Wasn't that the truth. LOL. And I in turn have discovered a lot of things that I wanted to change about my relationship with myself, and will attract a whole different kind of positive energy--I already am.

Jenny, hang in there, keep coming back. Glad you're okay, you've been missed.

Big hugs,
posie