CircleInTheSea

Just irritated today. AH is not working a program, but has been sober for a little over a month now. I am reminding myself that I'm not in charge of his Recovery.

We had a tiff over my roller derby commitments. Basically, two-three times a week is 'too much' and I'm taking away from family time/his free time/the only time he has to get anything done (*that's the cleaned up version). It's an activity that he is now no longer supportive of, and feels is a waste of time. In short, I think he's very threatened by the awesomeness of the no-crap taking ladies I've been working out with. Maybe he's recognizing that I've found something that makes me happier than sitting around waiting for him to be crappy to me? I don't know, but he threw out the 'go ahead and do what you want but if you keep doing derby, you're going to lose your husband' card. Bleh. I'm not quitting derby, no way. Kinda at the point where if he leaves me over an athletic sport, then he's doing me a favor.

Still plugging away at bills, paying things down and getting myself ready in case he drops the d-bomb before I've got my stash saved. Is it possible that he feels like it's coming, so he's lashing out ahead of time? He has abandonment issues (which the codie in me LOVES, btw) but I'm also wondering if it's just dry-drunk quacking (if such a thing exists). I'm trying to tell myself that he's poking around to find something to get a rise out of me since I don't yell back or react much anymore. And he doesn't push my boundaries much anymore, since most of them dealt directly with drinking. I think I've unconsiously started detatching from him when he is chewing tobacco because....I just find it gross. Since he has quit drinking, he is dipping All. The. Time. Ew.
Just reread this. Thinking maybe it's time to reevaluate my boundaries and what I find to be acceptable behavior.
Hugs an Peace.

SoloMio

Hang in there! It's tough, especially if he's not working a program. Sometimes you wonder which is worse--the drunk or the dry drunk....

In terms of his not supporting your activities now... it made me think how sometimes we "buy" things subconsciously, or consciously, with the addictions in our relationships. He was probably very accepting of your outside activities when he was drinking, because he had no "right" to speak because he was effing up all the time. Now somehow he feels that his not drinking makes your continuing your outside activities to be "tipping the scales" in YOUR favor. Kind of crazy, but sobriety messes with that mobile of expectations we have.

We do it, too--or at least I do it--ignore AH's behaviors because it affords me independence and the ability to avoid communication and confrontation. I know this is the "sick" side of me, but I admit to it, and I'm working on it. I can self-righteously do anything I want because look what HE'S doing. Not a good way to conduct a relationship--all this keeping score.

You are doing great--try to keep that island of detachment while he quacks away....

coyote21

Sounds like you need to get him out on the rink.

Oh, and just a "pinch" between my cheek and gum. Chicks dig it. That and a load in your pants.

I'm a f-ing guy and find "dipping" pretty disgusting. Man, that'll swoon the chicks. And please use a clear container for your spit cup, they don't want to miss even one subtle nuance of your sexy habit.

How'd you ever land such a keeper, better settle down missy, and hang onto that one.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

Hadassah

I find it quite interesting that your working out is a waste of time, but HE can chew tobacco (which is very unhealthy). And yes, there is such a thing as dry drunk quacking.Hang in there,H

hadenoughnow

Ask him if that's a threat or a promise and wave

cambi

LOL. Thanks for the laugh, I needed it tonight.

Jadmack25

While he was drinking I bet he was happy you were rollin round, after all it kept you busy and left him to booze in peace. Now it is different, as he sees you not as keeping off his back, but not really interested in him, not paying him much attention, and he hasn't his drinking to take up his time either.

And yes Circle, boy oh boy, is there ever such a thing as dry drunk quacking. It is exactly what you are hearing from your, not drinking but not in recovery, ol' misery AH.

I loved Hadenough's reply to your AH's comments about you losing him.....lol.

Wonder what his answer would be if you actually used those words? Hmmmmmmm.

CircleInTheSea

When I posted the original post, it was after my lunch break and I was irritated. By the time I got home, AH was full on fuming and told me that if I went to derby practice, I wasn't to come home. I calmly told him I'll be home later after practice. He replied that then he and the kids wouldn't be or that he would fix it so I couldn't get in the house. I told him that if he thought it was a good idea to take our kids then I would be calling the police and having them brought back home (at this point, I was getting angry, but I really didn't think he would take the kids or mess with locks, etc...at this point I think it was more of a 'who's got the bigger balls'.....). I repeated that I was going to derby practice and that I would be home later. And I left. And I came back. (*I was particularly effective in derby practice, I might add) And we argued for a minute by his car because he needed to get food for himself 'because since I wasn't home, he wasn't able to eat all day' (there was PLENTY of food in the house, and he has a car/carseats/money and easy access to a grocery store). And we haven't talked since then. I'm tired of living with someone who has told me repeatedly that he can do better. So I'm thinking I will let him 'do better'. Back to full on detatching it is. No one needs to talk to me like that and expect me to stick around and be happy. Bleh. I don't want to be co-dependent. I want to be healthy.

SteppingUp

Good for you Circle!!! Great way to take care of yourself. I felt a lot of strength in your post.

Why should you live with someone who says that he can do better? You should be with someone who's happy that he's got the best!

Jadmack25

Goodness he has got undies twisted, hasn't he. Obviously he his recovery motto is "make others as miserable as you are", and he is doing all he can to make it happen for you.

Stepping up is right on, "You should be with someone who's happy that he's got the best".

Let him know that using your kids as hostages is not only immoral, it is a SICKO act, and so is starving when the house is full of food....heck, he doesn't have to grab a spear and chase it.

Enjoy your sport and don't cave in to ol' misery.

tjp613

If you continue your hobby which takes all of 3-5 hours a week, then he is going to LEAVE you? Seriously? Wow!!! Wonder what he'd do if things got REALLY tough? Sheesh. Sounds to me like he's looking for an excuse to drink.

naive

good for you for going out and getting some exercise.

gee, i really hate the power struggles. how controlling of him.

mine was always giving me a hard time for going out and doing things as i was to be home when he finished his work, with the meal prepared.

well, that's fine in a partnership, but the reality was that he spent 100% of his money on drink and cigarettes, yet expected me to buy all the food and cook it. oh, and then i got the pleasure of being home with him while he ate, slept, and poo'ed.

hmm. not my idea of quality time together.

it is totally reasonable that he can go to the grocery store and buy some food and cook it! he's a grown man! we all have to go to the grocery store and buy food. it's something we do all the time. why can't he do it?

i find with alcoholics, if they do something that the rest of us do all the time (like pay a bill, cook a meal) they want a whole bunch of praise. "see, i cooked a meal!" or "i did a load of laundry" or my personal favorite "i have clean shorts on and socks"

naive