Want to scream, but nothing comes out-
 

All-

Finally had our mandatory mediation yesterday with STBXRAH. Disparity of income? My a**. I say, the guy gets a job. His Christmas list was amazing: pay for his health insurance (already doing that, plus car, LTC and life), half of my retirement, half of equity in the house that doesn't exist if I sold it today in the shape it is in, and (wait for it)...4 years of spousal maintenance. Poor guy...just can't seem to hang on to a job.

I want to scream. I wanted to run into that room and say how dare you ask for more-after you emotionally raped me and now you want to rape me financially (again)!?

Trying to say to myself "it is only money" and we will probably settle on 2 years' maintenance (just the sound of it)...I am just beside myself...I hate him.

ugh I'm so sorry. I know others on this board have been exactly where you are and have fervently wished for a large cartoon-like boulder to fall on their STBXs.

what did the mediator say (as in, did he laugh)?

I hope you can console yourself be saying that you were sick and tired of the high cost of low living.

Life makes no guarantees as to what you'll have.
Life holds no promises as to what will come your way.
It just gives you time to make choices and to take changes.
It's believing that things will ultimately get better even as they get worse.
Whatever the hurt of the moment may be, it will pass.
Today, you must pause, rest, catch your breath, and then look ahead.
Tomorrow is always a new dawn.
Don't let your life slip through your fingers by living in the past or for the future.
By living your life one day at a time, you live all the days of your life.

:e052:

mermaidgirl I am one of the others who has gone through this. This is what I finally had to say to myself-and it took a while to get there because I was just as angry as you are-possibly more. It was worth it to get rid of him and he has nothing I want.

I don't know if Colorado is a 50-50 state. Where I live it is. Also it is no fault divorce so nobody cared what a piece of crap he is. Mediators told me--we can't make him get off his a** and get a job any more than you could. He can file his little papers every week by going to all his friends and asking for work. That does not mean he will get a job.

If he had asked for maintenance I am sure part of me would have wanted to go out a buy a pair of steel-toed boots and find out if he really had the ba**s (nerve) to ask for more money. Kidding, kidding.

When I walked out of financial mediation I was madder than I have ever been in my life. I supported his lazy butt for most of our marriage and he walked off with not only half of my retirement --but half of my years of service. He got his child support reduced and on and on and on. Thing is, at the final hearing the judge pretty much looked at me and said, had this gone to trial the same thing would have happened (and I got the feeling he too thought I was being taken to the cleaners but unfortunately the law can be convoluted so this can be done). A moral person would not convolute the law but xah has no morals.

My saving grace happened the day before the final hearing when I went to church and heard a message that completely changed my mindset. I'm not saying I still don't get miffed about the money, especially when I am struggling financially. But the long and the short of it was--I have absolutely NOTHING to envy when it comes to him. Unlike him I have morals. Unlike him I am NOT an alcoholic and drug addict. Unlike him, I am not a waste of space on this earth. Unlike him, I do not prey on people to get whatever I can out of them. Unlike him, I do not live 2 lives--the good church music director and the drunken drug addict. I don't have to try to keep my personalities straight. There is only one of me. Yep, he got cash and that is all he got. He had absolutely NOTHING I wanted.

Does that make sense.

Still, I know how angry you are--but also keep in mind no one else is angry. Don't let him turn you into a bitter person. As my sister told me--"He's stolen everything else. Don't let him steal your joy!"

And yes, he is a slime but that does not mean you have to be envious of that.

Thank you everyone...your words have helped through this tremendously difficult time. it isn't the money...its the fact that he is just a sociopathic "taker" who will continue to prey on others. As my counselor said a few weeks ago-he will get cash-but he will never have me-again.

I don't know the reason for all of it; can't make sense of it and that is what God is for in my life. Thank you again...for your words and care when I needed it.

He has no self-respect, and not one ounce of dignity.

I often remind myself that people like that have to live with themselves, and that's far worse than anything I could wish on them!
:ghug3

That is so true! And the good part is-we do not have to live with them anymore.

Can I get an amen, sistah?!!!!

:ghug3

You all get a huge AMEN! I know...I need to be reminded of all of this right now; this minute. NOT because I want him back, but to soothe myself when that child says "ya, but...". There is no fairness with an out of control person that has anger problems going way back-none. So, yes, he will leave this relationship definitely richer in dollar than before, but being him-is much more painful. Do I have issues? You betcha-and because I have looked them straight in the face-I am who I am now. Not the same person I was (thankfully) more than 2 years ago. I have my health, my son, my spotted dogs (dalmations), a great career and people who WANT to be with me.

Trying to exhale and let all that toxic stuff GO. And with that...I am headed to an extended hot yoga class!

Just remember, that IS a "wish list" he is floating out there. In virtually every contested divorce, one or both parties ask for way more than they expect to get. It's a negotiating position. Hopefully your lawyer is a good negotiator, and you will wind up coming out of this OK.

You're smart, too, to look at some of it as "only money". Personally, I'd prefer to negotiate on the property rather than have to pay someone money, on an ongoing basis, for the privilege of no longer being stuck with him.

I saw a card today that said:

Do you know why divorce is so expensive?

Because it's worth it!

Sorry Mermaidgirl, for your crappy day.
you will make good come out of this, i just know it.
heck , having him out of your life is worth anything,
and as tjp is right- Karma gonna getcha-
chicory

In the long run, you're the bigger winner.

Eventually his sense of entitlement will have its consequences. He's already lost his wife...if he's not serious about his recovery, the rest of it will come crashing down at some point too.

You, on the other hand, are already on the road to a better place. Hang in there! Keep fighting for what you know you deserve, and then let HP take care of the rest.

Wife2Kids, I love this quote from your sister!

Mermaidgirl, I'm going through a divorce right now, too – I filed this summer; STBXAH’s list wasn’t quite the same as the one yours made, but I hear your frustration and anger. I was floored when I got STBXAH's paperwork and shocked then mad as a hornet when I was told by my lawyer that he'll probably get most of it. Our case has changed quite a bit since the initial filing and he keeps pulling cr-p that may change it more, so I'm still not sure how the divorce will finish out. The outcome is ultimately not anything I can control.

(Can I wish for Karma to bite him in the a-- without screwing up my own karmic results? :))

I have to keep telling myself that as long as I can set up some safety measures to protect myself and DS while he tries to build a relationship with his dad, the money lost will be a small price to pay to be free. And it would certainly be less than what we would have lost if we had continued to live with STBXAH. Some days are easier than others to remember that.

Wishing you strength and peace.

That is what I let drive me nuts for way too long. The woulda, coulda, shoulda that lead to having no control. Those are the times to let go and let God.

Pal of mine had her son-in-law shafted by his ex boss, after SIL handed in his notice. SIL got new job at $40,000 MORE than old job paid, but ex boss was furious and accused him of disloyalty, for leaving him. Said he wasn't owed holiday pay, sick leave or superannuation, so dudded SIL out of 5 years of these benefits.

My pal told SIL not to worry, God would deal with ex boss, better than anyone else could.

In last 6 months ex boss had 4 drivers walk out, and no-one would work for him after the story got out, so those trucks were repossessed, he smashed up the only truck he actually owned, applied for bankruptcy and last week had a heart attack. KARMA???

To all of you who have been screwed, taken to cleaners by scumbag ex's, and who are wondering how these lame brains are entitled to even share the air you breathe, have faith.
It may not hit them immediately, but somewhere and sometime, these smiling prats will find that every thing they touch, in fact every bit of their lives becomes so bad, more than they could ever have imagined in their worst nightmares.
And it will all be down to their behavior, their actions and all their own doing.

Yep, give thanks you don't live with them, or see them or be near them, that you have got away from them.
You see, they can't get away from themselves...ever. They are sentenced to live with themselves forever......what a horrible sentence that is.

I love you, Jadmack!!

"You see, they can't get away from themselves...ever. They are sentenced to live with themselves forever......what a horrible sentence that is."
Jadmack-that is awesome. No doubt for me right now, I am overwhelmed. Overwhelmed with anger; for many reasons (why didn't I leave sooner, blah, blah, blah). It's very noisy in my head right now. So, all of your comments are so very helpful at the moment. I also have to remind myself (perhaps some of you who are already done-with decree in hand) that I hired an attorney for a reason-and I am not the expert in the law. I am a bright, educated professional-but I hired someone-and I need to give it up and over to her and pipe up when my "gut" tells me to.

I am in CPM ("constant prayer mode")...it's the only way I can keep from melting down!