I think I may be an alcoholic
 

I don't know how to go about posting this. I was reading through the excerpts from "Under the Influence" and it's really got me scared... I didn't want to think about it or admit it to myself but I am genuinely worried. I will give you the run down of my drinking first. I am 21 years old. I go out with my friends who are all partiers three or four times a month, but I don't see many of them any other time besides when drinking. I can drink a lot, and still act normally. The past few times that I've went out, I've blacked out at least 30 minutes of the night, usually right before bed. My hangovers have lately gotten to the point where I have panic attacks the whole next day, and cannot think clearly and just feel completely off.

I have not progressed to the point yet to where I abandon my daughter, or put drinking before her or anybody else in my life. I do not feel emotionally eroded yet. I just feel embarrassed and scared. When I do get the chance to go out I get out of control. I tried to rationalize this by saying that I never get to go out, so I try to take as much advantage of my freedom while I am out. I am starting to see how this is not normal. I feel like a fraud for posting here while all the while hiding my problem to myself, and the people here. Just reading those excerpts about how my cells probably have been adapting the whole time since I ever started drinking, before any of the negative effects even showed up. This terrifies me. I am still not sure if I am indeed an alcoholic, or just a problem drinker.

I have looked into problem drinking and am hoping that is what I am. But I haven't a clue. Thinking about quitting drinking forever does scare me. I feel like a hypocrite for focusing so much on XABF and AF and not on myself. Was I so disgusted with their drinking because I saw the possibility in myself to end up that way? I don't know what to think right now but I do know I need to buy that book and read it all.

Good on you!
Good that you are looking at yourself.

From both sides of recovery, there are the 3 A's: (the addicted and the affected sides)
Awareness
Acceptance
Action

You are aware of a problem with your alcohol consumption.

Acceptance is the next step.
For me that meant: Accepting that I was powerless over alcohol and my life had become unmanageable.

I had to accept that step as an alcoholic and I had to accept that step as the recovering partner of a 14 year marriage to an alcoholic.

Acceptance is important and a hard step. I had wanted to believe as an alcoholic I could control my drinking by limiting my times of drinking and limiting my consumption. I always failed. I would justify an extra night of drinking. I would justify it as a reward for having been good for x amount of days. I also attempted to control my drinking in social situations. I did well, until I got home and would proceed to finish off a bottle of wine. My stop button was broken.

Acceptance was hard as the affected partner of an alcoholic too. I was sure that I could fix my alcoholic. I just needed to find the right words or way to demonstrate my genuine concern. I was out of control trying to control another adult.

One of my greatest fears while drinking was to face a life without alcohol. How would I celebrate life's milestones without alcohol? How would I face extreme stress without alcohol? How would I face grief without alcohol?

How?
One Day At a Time

I had to face my fear and walk through it. I had the support of others that had walked through their fear and made it to the other side.

You can do this! We are here to support you!

Please keep reaching out for the support and information you need.

missb89,

a hypocrite? no. just a human being. when i was actively drinking, i used to wonder why my ex couldnt "hold it" like i could, and yes, I judged him hard on that.
Then, i realized it was only to keep me from thinking about my own drinking.
You are astoundingly self-aware, and acceptance is key like Pelican said.
Definitely read some more on alcoholism and get educated about yourself.
Women can become dependent on alcohol much quicker than men.
Take care of yourself so you can take care of your delicious baby.

Beth

I agree with Beth.

I agree here too, very much so.

MissB, you are doing EXCELLENT! Can you see how all the chaos and problems you have been going through with XABF and AF recently have stirred you to become more aware of what you are doing in your life? To look and think deeply within yourself? This self-realization that you seem to have a problem with alcohol may be just the lesson the experience with XABF was meant to teach you about yourself at this time in your life. So don't be scared and don't beat yourself up, because those things only distract you from the REAL lesson you are meant to learn.

You seem to me to be a VERY mature and responsible 21-year old! When I discovered that I had a problem with alcohol at age 29 (someone I trusted and looked up to pointed it out to me and it did not take much effort on his part to convince me, he had only to give me a few examples of my behavior like you did in your post), I immediately accepted it because I very strongly did NOT want to be ANYTHING like my Dad (who was and is unquestionably a severe alcoholic). As soon as I realized it was a problem, I stopped drinking. It really was very easy for me to quit; I just stopped hanging out with my so-called "friends" (and later learned that NONE of them were my friends) and I stopped buying it. Soon after, I got into Recovery. Since then (over a 14 year timespan) I have lapsed and relapsed several times but I have found my way.

And you will find your way too MissB. You just keep having that open mind that you have and keep talking about everything and sharing. Don't let fear shut that down. Keep doing what you are doing!! :scoregood

MissB, I'm impressed. You're only 21 and already looking within yourself to find answers to tough questions.

Do the hard work now, keep on that path, and you will have one happy lifetime to look forward to with your beautiful little girl.

Keep coming here with your questions. Stay here for support. We're here for you. :)

MissB,

I went to the AA World Convention in July (in San Antonio) and one of the speakers was talking about his wife. He said, "God bless our wonderful Al-Anons--we get a LOT of 'transfers' from them."

He got a big laugh--there are a lot of us "double winners" out there. My own drinking didn't go out of control (even though it was heavy at times) until after I was no longer living with any alcoholics.

Alcoholism doesn't respect who you are or what you've gone through with someone else. Maybe you can trigger it by drinking, but neither you nor anyone else gets up one day and decides, "Life is a bit dull, I think I'll develop a deadly, progressive disease!"

Stay honest with yourself. If you find you can't control your drinking on a reliable basis or stop when you intend to on a reliable basis, it's better to stop before things get worse.

Thank you for your responses, I am so grateful to be able to say how I feel without being judged and to get rid of the icky feeling within. It is all a lot to take in. I feel like my mind is racing a mile a minute about whether I really am one or not. I bought the book Under the Influence at the bookstore today and have started reading it. It kind of goes against everything I thought. That it is physiological first and foremost rather than psychological. That even before I showed any outward problems with it, that my cells were already working against me. That I metabolize it differently. It is baffling.

I do plan on attending an AA meeting and seeing how that goes. The thought of never drinking again, not even a little, ever, is hard to take in. I am trying to look at it as a one day at a time thing rather than that. If I don't have a problem, then it shouldn't be a big deal to abstain, right? Ugh, I just don't know. I feel like I just keep realizing more and more about myself and my behaviors as the minutes pass and I'm doing this constant thinking. I have always felt that my mind kind of worked against me as I get way too ahead of myself. I want all the answers, and a solution NOW, and I know that is just not the way that life works for any of us.

I need to do so much hard work on myself. With my depression. With my anger. Although for some reason I feel like admitting this problem has softened some of my anger towards XABF and AF. It's just so very eye opening. I can't really think of much else to post because my brain is so jumbled trying to sort everything out, but again I truly from the bottom of my heart appreciate the response, and the chance to have people who are so caring, and non judgemental to listen to me.

I was 28 when I finally hit a bottom. Prior to that I had always surrounded myself with other alcoholics, including my EXAH. That way I didn't have to look at my own alcoholism.

You are so much further ahead already at your age! Good for you, hon! :hug: