Prayers please.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 985
Prayers please.
Finally got the call from husband telling me that he doesn't want to keep going this way and is giving up the fights about money. He is going to file for a divorce next week and will pay for it. I don't know what brought this about and didn't ask.
It was a short call as I couldn't say anything. I didn't know what to say except ok. I think I am in shock right now and thought if I posted here I would vent but nothing is coming.
Keep me in your prayers please.
It was a short call as I couldn't say anything. I didn't know what to say except ok. I think I am in shock right now and thought if I posted here I would vent but nothing is coming.
Keep me in your prayers please.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Reality, NJ
Posts: 853
Kassie..Keep the faith. These things are shocking at first but you will make peace with it. I know it may not be want you want but its a blessing in disguise. He doesnt seem to want to get better. My ex thought leaving me and getting someone else and moving on would solved his issues. It made them worse. Its odd to say this but I was almost glad when I found out it didnt solve anything just made it worse. Let him do what he needs to do and you do what you need to do.
We are here for ya!! Well I am at least ....
xoxo
Lulu
We are here for ya!! Well I am at least ....
xoxo
Lulu
Awakening
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Beautiful Texas hillcountry
Posts: 1,272
My axw had filed for divorce 3 years prior, when I moved out in response to her infidelity. I decided to move home rather than leave LMC, and every year, rather than let the paper work lapse, she would re-up, just to kind of keep me in line.
After I wouldn't let her move home when she got out of rehab, she went to court and divorced me. I forget what the term is, but it was like I was lost at sea or something.
Even though my address and phone number had been the same for 5 years, I was not made privy to the court proceedings so she and her chicken sh!t lawyer could buffalo the judge and take all our stuff.
Worked like a charm, she got every speck of our community property. Nice. I've never liked being cheated. I'd still like to kneecap that law person. But I digress!
I found out when she called me up and said, "we're divorced".
It was a little bit of a shock, but by then, not in a bad way.
In retrospect, I believe it was a case of "my Higher Power doing for me, what I couldn't do for myself". There were several examples of this during the "trudging through hell daze".
Any way, my wish for you is to, some day soon, look at your situation in the same way.
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
After I wouldn't let her move home when she got out of rehab, she went to court and divorced me. I forget what the term is, but it was like I was lost at sea or something.
Even though my address and phone number had been the same for 5 years, I was not made privy to the court proceedings so she and her chicken sh!t lawyer could buffalo the judge and take all our stuff.
Worked like a charm, she got every speck of our community property. Nice. I've never liked being cheated. I'd still like to kneecap that law person. But I digress!
I found out when she called me up and said, "we're divorced".
It was a little bit of a shock, but by then, not in a bad way.
In retrospect, I believe it was a case of "my Higher Power doing for me, what I couldn't do for myself". There were several examples of this during the "trudging through hell daze".
Any way, my wish for you is to, some day soon, look at your situation in the same way.
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 985
Well, that was brief.... while i have been reminiscening today and letting go - AH just emailed me.... he's quacking.... now he says he will still get the D but is withholding friendship after the fact unless i give him the money he thinks I owe him (not)...
I couldn't help but react .... but not to him... i don't want to engage in that way... will have to reread the sticky on how to D an A. Venting.... I was grieving the loss of our marriage today - I didn't sleep last night as I just shut down last night. I have been processing all day... last night it was all about how he thinks this is best for me... to move forward... how neither of us wants to live in limbo and nothing seems to work no matter how much we try. He wanted friendship but allowed me to not want it since he is D me.
i am thinking that it will take time...
Then this email... he says he will file and is holding our friendship hostage if I don't pay him back... the agreement he is referring to was contingent on his moving back home which he did not do. So I think all bets off. But the idea for me is that while I am sad for what we lost, he is cannot let go without starting a fight. I guess his version of hurting is to argue?
Anyway, last night I was wondering if his call was really an effort to get me to give up my position and tell him that I want him in any condition. He offerred friendship and now wants to take it back... just a reminder of the roller coaster I was on and got off. Such a dissappointment... I thought better of him. It seems so sad that he has to resort to these backwards tactics to resolve his pain.
IDK what to think or feel at this point... it is such a mixed bag.
I couldn't help but react .... but not to him... i don't want to engage in that way... will have to reread the sticky on how to D an A. Venting.... I was grieving the loss of our marriage today - I didn't sleep last night as I just shut down last night. I have been processing all day... last night it was all about how he thinks this is best for me... to move forward... how neither of us wants to live in limbo and nothing seems to work no matter how much we try. He wanted friendship but allowed me to not want it since he is D me.
i am thinking that it will take time...
Then this email... he says he will file and is holding our friendship hostage if I don't pay him back... the agreement he is referring to was contingent on his moving back home which he did not do. So I think all bets off. But the idea for me is that while I am sad for what we lost, he is cannot let go without starting a fight. I guess his version of hurting is to argue?
Anyway, last night I was wondering if his call was really an effort to get me to give up my position and tell him that I want him in any condition. He offerred friendship and now wants to take it back... just a reminder of the roller coaster I was on and got off. Such a dissappointment... I thought better of him. It seems so sad that he has to resort to these backwards tactics to resolve his pain.
IDK what to think or feel at this point... it is such a mixed bag.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Originally Posted by Kassie2 
Such a dissappointment... I thought better of him. It seems so sad that he has to resort to these backwards tactics to resolve his pain.
IDK what to think or feel at this point... it is such a mixed bag.
IDK what to think or feel at this point... it is such a mixed bag.
Shame on him!
Using friendship as blackmail for money.
(((Kassie)))
I'm sorry. I don't know all the details, and I certainly don't know him. It appears to be a lack of maturity. The fact that he must sever the relationship with negativity, seems immature.
Not sure that helps, but it seems so underhanded to toss aside friendship.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Weird. Withholding friendship as a bargaining tool to get what you want. Pure sickness is what that is. I can think of a person or two I have known who would do something like that. And I believe they have diagnosable personality disorders. One of them was a heroin addict for about 20 years.
True Friendship is not something you dangle in front of someone like a carrot. You may want to consider going No Contact from him. He is sick.
True Friendship is not something you dangle in front of someone like a carrot. You may want to consider going No Contact from him. He is sick.
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: PA
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L2L- I am no contact except for what we have to do at work. He initiated this contact to say he was filing... I have only agreed to sign papers and not fight him. Otherwise I have controlled my desire to respond to many situations. And his is diagnosed with a PD and PTSD so.... you hit it dead on. Even though i know this.... it remains difficult at times...
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I hope this doesn't sound harsh Kassie but I reached a place in my life within the last year or so where I realized something inside myself. That as long as I maintained the feeling of wanting from others, they would always be able to manipulate me by dangling things in front of me like your AH is doing. I have been learning and practicing how to fulfill these things from within. It is working.
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 985
L2L - not harsh but good insight to consider and it is a truism that I have been working in my life... I am no longer vulnerable to AH's posturing but in the way that I will dance to his tune... I am aware of my own motives and assess his actions and proposals accordingly. I am only expressing my own "pain" and "sorrow" in the process to avoid feeding the urge to respond to AH who doesn't get it now. Really need the support of others here.
Tat- don't disagree with your sentiment. The loss of someone that was important to me at one time and is very not ok due to an illness is the complication here for me. I still go through the emotions of loss. I make myself vulnerable here vs responding to him who doesn't get it while he is only able to look after his own needs and doesn't really do a good job of that.
Tat- don't disagree with your sentiment. The loss of someone that was important to me at one time and is very not ok due to an illness is the complication here for me. I still go through the emotions of loss. I make myself vulnerable here vs responding to him who doesn't get it while he is only able to look after his own needs and doesn't really do a good job of that.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Kassie))) sending prayers your way. He does sound immature and manipulative.
Find out what you're legally entitled to (many lawyers have free consults) and go for it. If possible, I'd get a lawyer, and tell him he can talk to the lawyer, if he has anything to say. I understand you have to deal with him on work issues, but that's the only time I'd deal with him.
Grieving a loss of a relationship is hard, now way around it but through it. We'll be here for you. I know a cyber-hug isn't as good as the real thing, but I hope it helps a little.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Find out what you're legally entitled to (many lawyers have free consults) and go for it. If possible, I'd get a lawyer, and tell him he can talk to the lawyer, if he has anything to say. I understand you have to deal with him on work issues, but that's the only time I'd deal with him.
Grieving a loss of a relationship is hard, now way around it but through it. We'll be here for you. I know a cyber-hug isn't as good as the real thing, but I hope it helps a little.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hugs and good thoughts.
Good for you for not engaging.
Working with them is a real challenge.
But also a good barometer of our progress.
Indifference can be achieved.
And it will feel so great !! one day at a time.
Good for you for not engaging.
Working with them is a real challenge.
But also a good barometer of our progress.
Indifference can be achieved.
And it will feel so great !! one day at a time.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 985
Well at this point the last of our joint responsibilities will be discharged this weekend. When he asked if i got his email I said "yes and i haven't decided how to respond". He seemed ok with that... TG
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