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When do things begin to feel "right" again?

Old 10-18-2010, 09:09 AM
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When do things begin to feel "right" again?

When do things begin to feel "right" again? When will I trust AH again?

My AH claims to be 4 weeks sober and goes to AA meetings at least once or twice a day. However, things just still don't seem right. It is little things that make me question his sobriety like falling asleep on the couch and still getting very defensive. The other night he decided he didn't want to go to an AA meeting b/c if felt a strong urge that he would stop at the gas station, so he really thought it was best to stay home. He called his sponsor and his sponsor suggested someone drive him there, which I did. He has an ignition interlock device on his car, so of course I feel like the reason he didn't want to go was because he was drinking and wouldn't be able to start his car. We were at a family event yesterday and I talked to a lot of family members and they all don't think he stopped drinking either, but nobody can say with certainty that he is drinking. AH is a very secretive alcoholic and I find it very difficult to know when he drinks unless I find the beer cans. I don't want to accuse him of drinking if he really is sober, but things just don't feel right. I feel so stupid that other people can read my husband and know that he has been drinking, but I have such a hard time seeing the same signs.

I really feel like I should know the answer to my original question...because I have been down this road before. AH was a recovered alcoholic and maintained sobriety for almost 9 years before he relapsed in January of this year. When AH got sober last time things just felt "right" and I just don't remember having these same concerns or doubts, but then again maybe I just don't remember.
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Old 10-18-2010, 09:18 AM
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Listen to your gut...your instincts will not fail you. Alcoholics lie, and they try to hide their drinking from us because they want to maintain the status quo.
Their actions often do not coincide with their words or promises. You don't need physical proof to know what you know.

My ex-abf went to 2 meetings a day, and hid his drinking. Fell asleep on the couch..said "Can't a person be tired?" I had no proof, but I knew. So do you.

You've been through this before, you know the difference. Whether or not he is drinking...what are you going to do to take care of you?
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Old 10-18-2010, 09:22 AM
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Let's just say hypothetically that you do find physical evidence that he has indeed been drinking. What would confronting him accomplish?

You said you've been through this before.

His behavior reeks of 'not right.'

It appears to me that he has had no true 'recovery' since he threw nine years away.

The interlock device, not going to a meeting because supposedly he'd stop at the gas station-these are not a solution to his disease.

You have no control over what he does.

You do have control over what you do with your life.

Live in the solution, not the problem.

As long as you hinge your reality off of him and what he is/isn't doing, you're living in the problem.
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Old 10-18-2010, 10:34 AM
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"Whether or not he is drinking...what are you going to do to take care of you?"
Nothing unfortunately other than praying for a miracle. I know that I need to, but I keep asking myself "how" and "when"? I work full-time, have 2 young kids. I just don't know how to move forward and accept that me and my kids would be better off without AH in our lives right now. I don't know how to live with him and more so I don't know how to live without him.

"What would confronting him accomplish?"
I'm not sure what confronting him would accomplish and I struggle to answer this question. I guess part of me just hates the dishonesty and hiding of the alcoholism, so I feel a bit better when I can get the truth out in the open. Maybe part of me still hopes that I can help him fight this disease although deep down I know that is not possible.
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Old 10-18-2010, 11:25 AM
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Coffeelover, You are already taking the first step to doing something for yourself. You are here at SR, and you are reading and posting.

Al Anon meetings are available on-line. You don't have to decide anything today.

I understand how you feel about the lying and the deception. At the end, just before I left, I said, "Drink right in front of me if that's what you are going to do. I don't want you to hide it from me or lie to me." And so he poured himself a glass of wine right then and there, and I felt physically ill. I knew I couldn't live that way.

We are all different, even though our circumstances are so much the same at times. You will know what to do if you take some time to take care of yourself, and continue to seek support. Things will be clearer.
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Old 10-18-2010, 12:04 PM
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Trust your instincts Coffee. You're getting wrapped up in the details, which has only ever driven me crazy. So stressful, I am sorry.
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Old 10-18-2010, 03:57 PM
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For me if I thought something wasn't "right" then it wasn't. Trust your instincts. The part about him not wanting to go to the AA meeting because he felt he would stop at the gas station sounds like b.s. I got a doctorate in b.s. while married to my XAH and I think I am smelling it again. Just keep your eyes and ears open and the truth will let itself be known. They're not really as slick at hiding it as they think they are.

Hugs to you.
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Old 10-18-2010, 06:32 PM
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Originally Posted by RollTide View Post
I got a doctorate in b.s. while married to my XAH
Word.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
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Old 10-18-2010, 07:36 PM
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The wanting to sleep and the irritability could be sobriety OR drinking (and hiding it). When I was newly sober my sleep schedule was all out of whack, I was tired all the time. I wasn't particularly irritable, but I know a lot of people are.

The not wanting to drive doesn't ring true to me, though. Could be he was drinking or it could be he just wanted to skip the meeting that night. Either way, you will find out soon enough if he is still drinking. Shouldn't be a long wait.
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Old 10-18-2010, 07:47 PM
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[QUOTE=seekingcalm;2740356]Listen to your gut...your instincts will not fail you. Alcoholics lie, and they try to hide their drinking from us because they want to maintain the status quo.
Their actions often do not coincide with their words or promises. You don't need physical proof to know what you know.

My ex-abf went to 2 meetings a day, and hid his drinking. Fell asleep on the couch..said "Can't a person be tired?" I had no proof, but I knew. So do you.

You've been through this before, you know the difference. Whether or not he is drinking...what are you going to do to take care of you?[/QUOTE]

I need to keep the above in mind at all times. Being an optimist is not helpful when dealing with an AH.
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Old 10-18-2010, 10:01 PM
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How long was he drinking before he stopped and started going to AA? If it was any period of length, you have learned not to trust him. While he was drinking, I'm sure, he gave you reasons to know he was drinking. Personally I can smell almost any kind of beer or liquor on their breath. I agree with the other responses if he has started drinking again, he won't be able to hide it from you for very long. Right now you only suspect he might be drinking which to me means he's not showing any of the obnoxious stinking thinking. Hopefully, you just might be expecting the other shoe to drop.

Stop focusing so much on your recovering alcoholic. Start focusing on yourself. Continue attending Alanon meetings and participating on SR.

It's really hard for God to guide you if you keep running out ahead of him!!

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Old 10-18-2010, 10:44 PM
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Originally Posted by seekingcalm View Post
Coffeelover, You are already taking the first step to doing something for yourself. You are here at SR, and you are reading and posting.

Al Anon meetings are available on-line. You don't have to decide anything today.

I understand how you feel about the lying and the deception. At the end, just before I left, I said, "Drink right in front of me if that's what you are going to do. I don't want you to hide it from me or lie to me." And so he poured himself a glass of wine right then and there, and I felt physically ill. I knew I couldn't live that way.

We are all different, even though our circumstances are so much the same at times. You will know what to do if you take some time to take care of yourself, and continue to seek support. Things will be clearer.
this was the turning point for me with xabf, though his DOC is different, the day i realized how it would make me feel if i saw him use, right before my eyes, was the same day that i decided NO MORE.
you can't subject yourself to watching someone kill themselves or throw their lives away.
your gut, your higher power, your instincts, whatever you call it. the first thing that pops in your head, that doubt, is what you need to listen to.
and then it will tell you what the next right thing to do is.
you still have control over you and your situation, just as you always have. the only thing different is what HE is doing, and really, what does that matter anyway? as long as you do what is best for yourself.
so don't become panicked, though i know that is easier said than done.
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Old 10-19-2010, 08:53 AM
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You are right, Cambi...being an optimist is not helpful when dealing with an active alcoholic.

But it's extremely helpful when dealing with one's own recovery. I am still glad that I am a "glass is half full kind of girl"
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Old 10-19-2010, 10:23 AM
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Reference CoffeeLover's original posting, there isn't any reference to any of the "stinking thinking" of an active alcoholic. There isn't any mention of the AH's current failure to accept the necessary conditions for sober living. There isn't any mention of the home as being mentally or emotionally chaotic, or that the AH's approach to everyday living is unrealistic, and that the AH's behavior, is either verbally or physically unacceptable.

Mentioning gut feelings doesn't prove AH has relapsed in his recovery. It does suggest that the trust necessary in a marriage has been damaged. Destroyed trust doesn't come back just because AH is in AA or has stopped drinking. Establishing trust will have to be done one day at time.

However, AH might be working his recovery by changing his drinking places, people and things. I strongly recommend no confrontation without proof......not just gut feelings.



"God doesn't close one door without opening a better one......BUT we've got to get our fingers out of the closing door. The reason you're in
pain is because you have your fingers in a door God is trying to close."

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Old 10-19-2010, 10:32 AM
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acdirito~ He has been drinking now for 10 months and this was after 9 years of sobriety. He has been going to AA for most of the year, but still drinks. The longer his drinking continues the more secretive he gets. He finds new hiding places for his beer, he'll drink after I go to bed, etc... He is a smoker so he brushes his teeth constantly and is always sucking on mints, so I always struggle with detecting the beer on his breath.

I appreciate hearing from everyone and I do need to start focusing more on myself. Things are just so much more complicated this time around with 2 young kids.
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Old 10-19-2010, 11:47 AM
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Your second posting has changed my suggestions and advice to you. It now sounds like you do have, unfortunately, enough proof to act on your "gut feelings". I know first hand how difficult it must be for you since you thought you had the demon of alcohol out of your life. I a 58 year old codependent, currently in a 40 year marriage with a dry drunk husband. For the majority of our marriage he actively drank over more than half a gallon of rum each and every night. When he finally quit he went cold turkey without working all the steps in AA, as a result he is now a dry drunk. He still possesses
all the traits he had while he was an active alcoholic. Our marriage was always about him! His common reponse to decisions we needed to make was "What about me (him)!"

I suffered a life changing massive stroke in DEC 2009. From DEC 23rd until JAN 8th I was comatose. When I came back into reality I was filled with so much rage inside of me. I was then transferred to a rehab hospital for another two weeks before my discharge to my house. This was one of my worst decisions of my life. He just refused to be there when I really needed him!

I stayed in my marriage because of my two children. My DDH provided us a better life than I could have on my own. However, I now realize this reason was my codependency talking. As soon as I recuperate well enough I'm walking out the door!

Everyone has their own "straw that breaks the camel's back". All anyone can do is the best they can do! It does sound like you have a caring family close by which you can use for support. I strongly suggest you attend Alanon meetings and use SR for support. Remember it is better to build children than repair your AH.

If I had my child to raise over again
I'd build self-esteem first and the house later
I'd finger paint more and point the finger less
I would do less correcting and more connecting
I'd take my eyes off my watch and watch with my eyes
I would care to know less and know to care more
I'd take more hikes and fly more kites
I'd stop playing serious and seriously play
I would run through more fields and gaze at more stars
I'd do more hugging and less tugging
I'd see the oak tree in the acorn more often
I would be firm less often and affirm much more
I'd model less about the love of power
And more about the power of love.
Diane Loomans

:ghug3
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Old 10-19-2010, 03:23 PM
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I'm not sure if I've 'got' this thread or not, but my brother is almost two years gone, and it's still not right, it doesn't feel just quite right. But I think it's me, I stil have work to do on me to get things right.
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