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Old 10-18-2010, 08:10 AM
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I'm new

I've been lurking here since Summer. I had typed a long intro/background then lost it....UGH! No time to go back and redo, but I need input.

My husband of 18 years left me and our 2 kids (7 & 9) in May of 2009 for a married mother of 2. He was always a big drinker and I had to put some safeguards in place to protect the kids the best I could during his Wed night and EOW visitation. My daughter (9) has epilepsy and uncontrolled seizures. Emergencies are a regular occurance in this family. I thought we were on the same page regarding his sobriety during his visitation. Recently it has become very clear that we were not. He pretended...LIED. It just took me too long to put it all together.

He has been supporting this household (and his). I was moving forward. D was filed, I was gaining confidence in my ability to care for this family alone, I started dabbling in dating (I know, I know....but I also knew that this D could take a long long time and I was tired of putting my life on hold). Then....July...He goes to work drunk (in the am), drinks more at lunch, gets caught, gets FIRED! In that moment, I realized that if he was not able to stay sober to go to work, he was probably not able to stay sober during his visitation. Prepared to go to court to end his unsupervised visitation. He actually vountarily gave it up. He is/was going to substance abuse counseling, "said" he was attending AA meetings. It has been less than 3 months and now he wants to return to the old visitation schedule. He sent my attny, an AA log for September (filled out by him, and none for Aug or Oct) and a summary written by his counselor that stated he "showed low risk for relapse." Thats it. Is this really all he needs? I need more than this. I think he is just doing the minimum to make it look like he is "cured." Just like he did during the 5 months we tried to reconcile our marriage. I don't think he actually believes he is an Alcoholic. I think he sees the problem as situational. Things got out of control while he was dealing with all of HIS personal problems. 20 years together tells me he is most definitely an alcoholic.

Now what do I do? How can I protect my children? I don't want to keep him from having time with the kids. He was once a good father. It was a long time ago, before the alcohol took over. They love him and love spending time with him. I have been extremely cooperative with coordinating his supervised visitation, allowing him here to spend time with the kids and overnights at his place with SIL (whom i totally trust), keeping him informed about activities.

Unfortunately (or fortunately), he has no DUIs or DWIs or any type of police record relating to alcohol or anything else for that matter. All I have on my side of this is my word, my history with him, and the fact that he was terminated (I am sure it does not state why in the paperwork). I feel panic swelling as I fear I don't have much recourse here. If something happened to my kids because he was not safe, I don't know what i would do. Sucks I may have to wait until they end up in a dangeros situation before I have any legal back-up.

Thank you for anything you may have to share.
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Old 10-18-2010, 09:07 AM
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You are really in no different situation than before when you were preparing to go to court to get supervised visitation for your kids.

Try telling him NO, if that doesn't work, then go to court. Chances are he doesn't want his "drinking career" brought up in court.

BTW, I like you screen name, a sense of humor has gone a long way in keeping me kind of sane.

Good luck.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
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Old 10-18-2010, 09:20 AM
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IMO, you have the upper hand at the moment because supervised visitation was court ordered (right? Unless I read wrong). If that's the case, then he needs to petition the courts for unsupervised visitation and until that happens, you don't need to do anything continue on as you have been for the past 3 months.

He may send your attorney all the fun little AA reports he wants, but proof is in the pudding. IF you end up in court fighting against his petition for unsupervised visitation, THEN you have your attorney draft out a sworn affidavit detailing his alcohol abuse over the years. Perhaps start talking to people who know your ex to see if they would be willing to provide written (and notarized) testimony about your AH and his alcohol abuse.

In the meantime, I applaud you for thinking of your children's safety before anything else.

And FTR, I went to court with only my word about XAH's alcoholism and abuse. He knew when and where the hearing was to take place. He didn't show and then it was game over for him. Don't lose hope. Things CAN work out...trust in HP.
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Old 10-18-2010, 09:29 AM
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I am so sorry thnx, that you have the added strain of this on top of his walking out.
I am sure that in his employment file, it will give the real reason for his instant dismissal, as it would be required for their own legal safety.

You also have the fact that he voluntarily surrendered his unsupervised visitation, and You have the AA log to back up your word that he has drink problems, and that he knows this.... or why would he be attending AA at all.

As for his counselor describing him as being "low risk for relapse", where on earth did he get that idea from? If he is an A, unless he is doing more than going to meetings and is totally committed to sobriety....he is a relapse risk.

You are worried about him whilst having visitation, especially in regard to your daughter and her siezures, and this is a valid concern.

Have you discussed this all with your lawyer yet? Until you have some answers from him about visitation, and AH's AA documents etc, you really can't know what the situation is and you could be worrying without need.

I would see my lawyer, if necessary get him to contact your ah's ex employer and get some documentation re his dismissal and any evidence you can as to his problem drinking, and continue on from there.
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Old 10-18-2010, 09:37 AM
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Unfortunately, the supervised visitation was not court ordered. The day before we were to go to court he agreed to supervised visitation (voluntarily). At the time he was throwing out all sorts of things he was willing to do.....let me talk to his counselor, personal breathalyzer at pick up/drop off, AA meetings, BAC tests, blah, blah, blah. Once again I was suckered. I did not see how this "voluntary" action would come back and bite me in the A%%. I was just happy he was taking action and that my children would be safe with me. I will NEVER fall for that BS again.
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Old 10-18-2010, 09:58 AM
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"As for his counselor describing him as being "low risk for relapse", where on earth did he get that idea from? If he is an A, unless he is doing more than going to meetings and is totally committed to sobriety....he is a relapse risk."

I don't know alot about alcoholism, but I am gathering information and becoming informed. This report rang hollow with me too. It was based on him attending all (8)!? of his sessions as well as being cooperative when he was there. It states that he "reports" going to AA meetings. It also stated that there was NO alcohol testing. This man is a master liar. He lied through 5 months of marriage & individual counseling during our (MY) attempts at reconcillation. He had me and our counselor convinced that he wanted this marriage to work and was willing to work at it. He would then leave the session and meet-up with his *****("girlfriend") in a hotel and tell her how we were "mean" to him (for demanding accountablity and transparency, and oh...an apology). After the truth was discoverd, the counselor appologized to me for not seeing through the bs. Why on earth would I believe that he has been truthful with this counselor.

Last edited by thnx4nthng; 10-18-2010 at 09:59 AM. Reason: sorry about the naughty word.
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Old 10-18-2010, 10:13 AM
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I think someone on SR said the longer the disease progresses, the sicker they get.. How true that is!
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Old 10-18-2010, 10:21 AM
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Ah I see, so the onus is on you to refuse or accept unsupervised visitation. Obviously, I say "NO effing way", but I say that as the former partner of an A and mother of a toddler.

I agree that you need to discuss this with a lawyer. I would start documenting EVERYTHING right here and now, so that there is a log of his behaviour. I would discuss with my lawyer the need to formalize the current agreement given that supervised visitation has taken place for the past 3 months and that you need to have a legally binding agreement in place in order to protect your children. I wonder if they (and your AH) wouldn't benefit from the visitation being done at a center so that your SIL doesn't always have to do the job.

I still think you have the upper hand in this situation as your AH willingly gave up his visitation and things have proceeded well since supervised visitation have taken place.

Talk to your lawyer asap!
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Old 10-18-2010, 11:53 AM
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Welcome to the SR family!

I agree with letting your lawyer know that you want supervised visitation. Let your attorney decide a plan of action.

Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. We are here to support you.

A book that helped me understand alcoholism is "Under the Influence". You can read excerpts from the book on one of our forum links. Here is a link:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html
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Old 10-18-2010, 02:46 PM
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Have you had your initial hearing yet where temporary things are put in place like custody, placement (visitation), child support? If not, that is where you need to request supervised visitation.

If you have already had the initial hearing perhaps now would be a good time to look into mediation. My xah did not want anyone to know about his non-existent problems (as he called them) so custody REQUIRED no use of alcohol or controlled substances 12 hours before or during visitiation. He he arrives to pick up the kids and he is drunk-sorry, the kids do not go with you. At mediation you could request supervised visitation.

It is time to get the visitation arrangements down on paper and legal so when if he does mess up he is in contempt of court. Also, if he shows up and is drinking and he puts up a fuss because you will not let him take the kids--call the police. Also, make arrangements that is is perfectly legit for you to have verbal contact with the kids when he has them-to assure that he is not drinking (this is assuming they don't go for the supervised visitation).

XAH has been sober when he has had the kids but this is all pretty new. However, I would venture to guess that he is still getting stoned as he seems to be locking himself in the bathroom every morning with the fan on for half an hour. Of course I can prove nothing. It is all what the kids say.

Other option-call social services. If you think you need to get a gaurdian ad litem appointed for the kids-not a bad idea though it can be pricey.
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Old 10-18-2010, 02:55 PM
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Originally Posted by nodaybut2day View Post
Ah I see, so the onus is on you to refuse or accept unsupervised visitation. Obviously, I say "NO effing way", but I say that as the former partner of an A and mother of a toddler.

I agree that you need to discuss this with a lawyer. I would start documenting EVERYTHING right here and now, so that there is a log of his behaviour. I would discuss with my lawyer the need to formalize the current agreement given that supervised visitation has taken place for the past 3 months and that you need to have a legally binding agreement in place in order to protect your children. I wonder if they (and your AH) wouldn't benefit from the visitation being done at a center so that your SIL doesn't always have to do the job.

I still think you have the upper hand in this situation as your AH willingly gave up his visitation and things have proceeded well since supervised visitation have taken place. Talk to your lawyer asap!
Totally agree with this. History often predicts the future.

And document EVERYTHING. That's what I have done the past year and my lawyer has found it to be extremely helpful.
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Old 10-18-2010, 06:49 PM
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Thank you all so much. I am feeling a bit more confident in my position. All has been quiet today after the flurry of emails on Friday. Not sure what that means. Most likely he is stewing somewhere hating that I may actually have some control over this situation. He still has it stuck in his head that this is all "punishment" for his affair. I am sooo beyond that at this point. I know he will get what is coming to him at some point and it will be delivered by someone far greater than me. Most days now, I am thankful that he handed me this opportunity to live a more productive, connected, and positive life. We were wasting so much of our lives accomodating him and his wants and needs. I just wish we were further along this process.
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