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Ending it with AH...mixed feelings...

Old 10-17-2010, 09:32 PM
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Ending it with AH...mixed feelings...

I can't live with my AH anymore. He's been an active alcoholic since January of this year (after a year of sobriety) and is pretending that nothing is happening. He's been in therapy, lived in a halfway house for a month, goes to meetings every day, and is still drinking.

I have signed a lease for my child and I to move to our own apartment. I am seeing a lawyer tomorrow to file for divorce or a legal separation. And I haven't told AH yet (we are supposed to be moving together to another town on Thursday). And I am so incredibly scared. This is probably the biggest, most life-changing decision that I have ever made in my life. I feel so alone.

I know it's absolutely the right thing to do--for my child and for me (and really, even for him). It doesn't make it any less depressing though. I'm sad that my child is never going to have a sibling. I'm sad that she'll never grow up with an intact family and live with both of her parents who love her so much. I'm sad that I wasted 5 years of the prime of my life to end up as a single mom (although I obviously have NO regrets about having my daughter, I know that doesn't make sense). I'm sad that I might end up the rest of my life alone. I'm sad that I've lost my mobility as going forward I won't be able to move or take my child anywhere without AH agreeing to it (which means I might effing be stuck here and I really don't like it) or make any major decisions without his buy-in and I can tell you, it's going to be ugly. I feel guilty that I spent $20K of my parents' money for a wedding ceremony for a marriage that won't even last 5 years.

My judgment sucks. Big time. And again, that makes me feel even dumber. I guess what I've learned through all of this is that I still don't know jack.

I'm trying to think positive right now but it's just awful and the scene this week is going to be even more awful. And the aftermath is going to be horrifying and I dread it. My daughter adores her dad and although it's his behavior that caused this, it's always going to come back to MY actions that took her daddy out of her life. And that makes me feel horrible.

I wish I could wake up and this would all be over. Or I wish I could just get really, really drunk (I don't drink) just to forget about it for the day (how's that for irony?).

Anyway, I'm new here and would appreciate any advice you might have for me. I'm all alone in a new city and am really nervous about what's to come.

Thanks for listening (er, uh, reading
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Old 10-17-2010, 09:40 PM
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HI, I am so sorry that it has come to this..but I understand...living with active alcoholism simply isn't an option for many of us and you are doing a really great thing by protecting your little one from growing up with it.

Please make yourself at home...read the stickies at the tops of the forums..post to your heart's content.

I am getting ready for bed..but there will be others along soon enough.
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Old 10-17-2010, 09:51 PM
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Thank you, Live. It helps so much to just be validated, and makes it a little easier. I think I'm still in the "mourning period" of ending my marriage.

I had such optimism and high hopes when he finally got sober. It's hard to accept the situation as it is now...and though I know in my mind that there is nothing I could do to change the outcomes, it doesn't make me feel any less bad.
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Old 10-17-2010, 11:46 PM
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Hi cambi. I'm so sorry that you're going through this, and I know it's tough. I am also moving out this week and my alcoholic husband doesn't know it yet. I'm dreading telling him, but I'm looking forward to having a sane and sober home where I can feel comfortable rather than being constantly stressed and walking on eggshells. You are making a very brave and tough decision to protect yourself and your daughter from the chaos of living with an active alcoholic. I too, feel awful about leaving and failing in my marriage. However, we don't have the power to make our husbands choose us over their addictions. So we have to choose a better life for ourselves. I will be thinking of you this week. I can't wait to get past this week; I think it will be good to be on the other side of this dread and anticipation.
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Old 10-18-2010, 12:25 AM
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I did a lot of mourning the dream when I finally made the decision to leave. It was difficult and I felt like a failure. The good news was that I had a good group of recovery friends who helped me to remember that I was not a failure, the marriage / relationship had failed, and there's a big difference. They also helped me to focus on just what was ahead of me, one day at a time.

What I can tell you today is this: there really is light and life and happiness and healthy relationships on the other side. It just took time, and continuing to work on my own recovery even after I left the relationship. It was the best thing I ever did for myself and for my sons.

It gets better. I promise.
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Old 10-18-2010, 03:28 AM
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hi cambi-

try not to project into a future which has not yet occurred. we call this "awfulizing" and it's a slippery slope. how do you know what the future holds for you, your daughter and even your AH?

it is best to let the worries of the day, be enough for the day. try to stay present and just keep doing "the next right thing".

naive
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Old 10-18-2010, 05:46 AM
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I understand exactly what you're going through and am in the same situation. I think I finally made the decision to leave my AH of 13 years (our anniversary is next week, and I'm devastated.) AH goes through periods of sobriety where he is the wonderful, loving man I once knew, but he continually relapses, and each time he does it's worse than the last. This time I found out he was unfaithful while on a bender, and that he's been texting other women. He says it's the disease that makes him do these things, and is currently 4 weeks sober, but I don't know if I can keep living my life waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Leaving AH will be the hardest thing I'll ever do. I've loved him since I was 15 years old, and when he's sober, he's my best friend and the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. But I'm getting less and less of that man every time he picks up the drink again. My therapist told me last week that I may have to accept the fact that the man I love no longer exists.

I, too am grieving for what could have been and am terrified that I'm making a mistake. My biggest fear is that he will get sober and I'll spend the rest of my life regretting my decision. But I know that I should want sobriety for him anyway, whether we're together or not. I also have a daughter who is devastated that we are separated. I've explained to her that daddy has a disease called alcoholism that makes him make bad choices and that's why we're separated. She told me that if daddy is sick I shouldn't abandon him.

Anyway, just wanted to let you know you're not alone. What a terrible, tragic disease...
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Old 10-18-2010, 07:17 AM
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I think about my ex abf boyfriend, who has been sober for almost 9 months, every day. He doesn't drink, he goes to meetings, but it ends there.

I can only take care of myself, but every day I remember that leaving him and taking care of myself and my children was an act of love...for me, for him, for my children...for everyone involved.

Leaving your AH and taking care of yourself and your daughter IS an act of love. And when you take this step, wonderful things can happen. One day at a time.
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Old 10-18-2010, 08:09 AM
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Hey cambi. Nice to meet you. This time last year was hell for me. My husband was driving home drunk every day. Just before Thanksgiving I finally threw in the towel and filed for divorce which was final in January. It was hard to divorce a man that I love very much but if I was to survive it had to happen. This forum saved my life and I later found Alonon. I highly recommend both.
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Old 10-18-2010, 08:48 AM
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It is a devastating and sad disease. I hope you can get to Alanon and get a group of supportive friends around you. This is the best decision for all three of you now. Stay in the moment. If we are in the past we are depressed , if we are in the future we are anxious so try to be in the now. I am post divorce three years. It gets better. To yourself be true. Your daughter will still see her Dad. I am glad you are here.
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Old 10-18-2010, 09:14 AM
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Please try to be gentle with yourself and remember that you were NOT the one holding a gun to your husband's head, making him drink or making him act like an ass. He CHOSE to do this to himself, and to his family. Your decision is based on the need to save yourself and your daughter, and to provide her with a sane, healthy and safe home life. That takes tremendous courage, and for that, I applaud you.

As Naive said, please don't awfulize about the future. You don't know what can come along in a year or in 5 years.
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Old 10-18-2010, 09:59 AM
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It is made even harder when your child/children, are holding on to their dream family of mum, dad and them being together. This has resulted in many spouses staying with an A, sometimes in an abusive marriage, "for the sake of the kids", when those kids did not know how awful it was for the sober parent.

Honey, you are the one who is in this situation, who is the adult and needs make decisions based on what is best for you and your child, while your child may feel you are in the wrong. You are not choosing to end your marriage and walk away, out of some whim or for fun, but because your partner's addiction to drinking is unbearable or unsafe.

My daughters were in their 20's when I left their father, and it came as a real shock to them and others, at the time. My eldest even ceased speaking to me, as he convinced her that I was "going thru change of life hassles", and playing round.

It didn't take them long to find out why I had left. After he'd moved in with the first 2 for less than 6 months each, they couldn't take his demented talk and messy habits and he ended up with eldest, who lowered the boom on him and took some control over his medical and financial affairs.

You can only do what you feel is necessary for improving your lives, and care for yourself and your sanity, til eventually your child realises that you did your best for them, and at some stage they will get the message. Til then it will be hard for you, but hang in there, take a look at Alanon and use SR for help and support.
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Old 10-18-2010, 12:05 PM
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It sounds like you are doing the best thing for yourself and your child.

As a child who lived for years with a parent who was an active alcoholic, I can tell everyone here that parents are doing their kids no favor by staying with an active alcoholic.

Try not to project into the future--such as, thinking your child will never have a sibling, you'll be alone, etc. Try to stay in today.

Best wishes to you.
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Old 10-18-2010, 03:39 PM
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Thanks all for the support. I truly appreciate it.

I met with the lawyer today, and will be telling AH tomorrow. I'm still agonizing over how to do it but my resolve is strong.

I'll update you with what happens next.
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Old 10-18-2010, 03:42 PM
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Originally Posted by SashaMB View Post
Hi cambi. I'm so sorry that you're going through this, and I know it's tough. I am also moving out this week and my alcoholic husband doesn't know it yet. I'm dreading telling him, but I'm looking forward to having a sane and sober home where I can feel comfortable rather than being constantly stressed and walking on eggshells. You are making a very brave and tough decision to protect yourself and your daughter from the chaos of living with an active alcoholic. I too, feel awful about leaving and failing in my marriage. However, we don't have the power to make our husbands choose us over their addictions. So we have to choose a better life for ourselves. I will be thinking of you this week. I can't wait to get past this week; I think it will be good to be on the other side of this dread and anticipation.
Sasha, thank you for sharing your experience. Definitely touch base--if you're comfortable, of course--after you tell him. I will be sure to do the same. Sending good thoughts your way.
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Old 10-19-2010, 05:14 PM
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Hi cambi, I was thinking about you and wanted to see if you are okay. I know you were going to tell your AH today, so I hope you are doing all right. Good vibes and prayers going your way.
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Old 10-19-2010, 09:23 PM
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Originally Posted by SashaMB View Post
Hi cambi, I was thinking about you and wanted to see if you are okay. I know you were going to tell your AH today, so I hope you are doing all right. Good vibes and prayers going your way.
Thanks so much, I appreciate it.

I updated above (tried to link it but I can't?).

Let me know how it goes for you. Sending loads of positive vibes your way.
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Old 10-19-2010, 09:35 PM
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