Sad today
 

Hi everyone,

I'm having a rough day today and just need to express my emotions. So its been 2 weeks since I have heard from my xABF and I am struggling today with the NC. Last time I spoke with him he was drunk after having fallen over and injured himself. He is supposed to be in recovery for alcohol and drugs but it seems like he thinks drugs are the main problem so he can still drink from time to time.

I worry about him all the time but I try to keep strong and not contact him. I miss the good times that we shared together and I still love him deeply. I keep waiting for him to show some little sign that he still wants me in his life after 4 years together, but so far I'm still waiting. I know that sounds stupid and needy, but its very hard to let go of my love for him. If only he could get his s&%t together maybe we could rebuild our relationship and have a future together.

I keep hoping but its been 3 months now since he left rehab and me and I don't really know if he is any better. He has no job, no money and he is reliant on others to pay his food and his rent and he is in debt.

My brain says that I am crazy. I am a motivated successful woman who has a great career and owns my home at 28. What would I want with a loser guy who never made me feel special, never contributed, is in debt and basically screwed up his life and is now controlled by others.

But my heart.... it still belongs to him.

I guess it will get easier as time goes on and I am really trying to stick to the NC. Its been 2 weeks and that's the longest we have ever gone in 4 years without contact.

I keep a journal of all the things I want to say to him so that I get them out and usually that helps but I had to go to my cousin's baby shower on the weekend and that really upset me.

Thinking about what I had lost, how happy all these partners were around me and having people ask me if I was getting clucky with my partner as we had been together for so long and having to explain that he left me was very emotional. I kept it together for the party but cried all the way home in the car. And the best part... I have my other cousin's baby shower this weekend. Sigh.

I understand the pain and the hurt... it also does not make sense that you are succesful and hooked to someone like this - a real partner would also be responsible and own a home, etc.

I realized I go out with unavailable people because it feels familiar and because my LOW self esteem - how I see myself is such a distorted picture that in order to feel good about myself I have to be with someone else that is "lower" at some level: not working, or lost in addiction, etc.

I hope you can go to therapy, its eye opening! in my case it took long months to go to one........ I hope you don't wait so much.

You are a special lady and slowly your mourning will become wisdom. Melody Beatty calls it "the healing process". This is feeling is not going to last forever.

I know that I will be facing this in the weeks ahead. I don't have any good advice other than to take care of you and put yourself first. (I am trying to do this myself, except "take care of kid, then me; put her then me, first".)

I wish you all the best.