What I did... in a nutshell

Old 10-17-2010, 02:03 PM
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What I did... in a nutshell

Have been having a PC tidy up and found these jottings that I wrote a few years ago. Thought they might be helpful. It is certainly a great reminder for me. Although I do wonder where all that clarity about my recovery went!
And I made it sound so simple, when it was anything but.

I went to Al-anon to find a way to get my then fiance to stop drinking, although I have to say that I had done enough reading on-line to have a sneaking suspicion to know that I wasn’t going to find THAT answer in these rooms. I can now see how I have moved through 3 phases in my dealings with an alcoholic and, later, in my dealings with my own recovery.

Firstly, I needed to get some immediate tools to deal with living with an active alcoholic on a day to day basis. Detachment was, and still is, one of the greatest tools in my tool box. Only when I could stand back and own my own issues and give him the opportunity to own his, was I able to get any kind of clarity on my situation. Quickly following detachment came the issue of boundaries. As I became clearer about what was going on, became more aware of the amount of unacceptable behavior I was nonetheless accepting, it became much easier to create some simple boundaries for myself. I always remember the first thing I tried to enforce: No empties hidden in the house. After shocking myself with the rage I felt when I found the first empty wine bottle and the way I so easily threw it at his head, I realised that it wasn’t going to work. Speaking with some al-anon people helped me to see that what I had done was create a rule, not a boundary. Boundaries are for me and they require consequences on which I am prepared to follow through. Rules are not conducive to harmonious relationships and so it proved. All I did with rules was provide the environment where it was easier to drink because all we did was fight. I say the word easier, not because I had any control over whether he was a drinker or not, but I sure did have control over whether I enabled him in his behavior or not. Learning about enabling was certainly another valuable tool in that early toolbox and all my early boundaries stemmed from “I will not accept unacceptable behavior” and they all had consequences that were enforced on a regular basis.

The second stage came as I did more work in Al-anon. I began to understand that I had choices. The more detached I became, the more that I could see that this was not the life I wanted to live. I began to see the bigger picture. I began to see that no-one was forcing me to stay in this situation and that, instead of getting him to change so that my life could change, I could initiate the change all by myself. And so I enforced my finally boundary of the engagement “I will not share my life with an active alcoholic.” And I left.

And that brings me to the third stage. This overlapped the second stage, in actual fact, as I was so hungry for information that I moved fast. I left within 3 months of my first al-anon meeting. This stage is an ongoing process and is all about ME. Why I got involved with an alcoholic, why I accepted the unacceptable, why I lost myself along the way. The past year or more has all about getting to know me, accepting me and focussing on the things I do well and minimising the effects of the bits where I don’t do so well. And how I can live a life in the future that is true to my values and helps me achieve serenity on a more frequent basis. And I’m getting there. Slowly. Baby steps, right?
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Old 10-17-2010, 02:33 PM
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Bolina, I am so unbelievably grateful to you for posting this. God knew what I needed to read, and this is it. As I am preparing to leave my own alcoholic relationship, reading this is more encouraging than you can possibly know. Thank you!
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Old 10-17-2010, 02:44 PM
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Sasha - I did actually put it on a reply on your thread, but deleted it. But for some reason, it was you that I was thinking about when I found it.

I sometimes wonder why I keep coming back on here when I am long gone from the alcoholic relationship. But then I remember all of the people who showed me that it was possible to have a different life and realize that I couldn't have done it without them. So, I keep paying it back. And I am so glad that it helped you. That's what these boards are for.
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Old 10-17-2010, 05:27 PM
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WOW!

it took me much longer to begin to sort out the muddle.

what a great and clear piece. Thank you for sharing it.

I am long out of the situation that brought me here...but I still continue to learn from every one.

And I still like to keep the basic foundations in front of me, thanks for that.
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