OMG Run
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
In the end, it wasn't the DV counseling that got me off the floor, tho' I will never understimate the good it did me, it was SR that gave me a hand to my feet and helped keep me up on them..thro' much turmoil and confusion.
and serious depressions and many, many things.
and serious depressions and many, many things.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Back on topic.
You are so valuable here TJP because you have had that training.
I respect everything you have said as accurate.
I would like to ask you a question...sometimes you say things very, very directly.
and I am also thinking of that thread that prompted L2L and I to talk about this.
On that thread you said that the guy was a sociopath and pasted up those characteristics.
Now, I so agree with you and I was thinking the very same thing. Once you have known one, you recognize it, don't you think?
But I am trying to understand that "think for yourself" and naming things such as that, I guess.?
Can you help clarify your thinking and approach?
NOW, I am not a trained counselor and I don't want to be one. I couldn't. I cannot hear the emotions in people's voices without having too strong reactions in myself and becoming throroughly confused.
Plus I get distracted very, very easily.
and it effects me emotionally and would harm me and do them no good.
so, I respond as a regular person...because that is what I am and that is the only appropriate way for me to try to relate to anyone. I am a DV survivor and respond as such.
also, there are often several of us responding and in that context, several different approaches can work.
Isn't that similar to options?
You are so valuable here TJP because you have had that training.
I respect everything you have said as accurate.
I would like to ask you a question...sometimes you say things very, very directly.
and I am also thinking of that thread that prompted L2L and I to talk about this.
On that thread you said that the guy was a sociopath and pasted up those characteristics.
Now, I so agree with you and I was thinking the very same thing. Once you have known one, you recognize it, don't you think?
But I am trying to understand that "think for yourself" and naming things such as that, I guess.?
Can you help clarify your thinking and approach?
NOW, I am not a trained counselor and I don't want to be one. I couldn't. I cannot hear the emotions in people's voices without having too strong reactions in myself and becoming throroughly confused.
Plus I get distracted very, very easily.
and it effects me emotionally and would harm me and do them no good.
so, I respond as a regular person...because that is what I am and that is the only appropriate way for me to try to relate to anyone. I am a DV survivor and respond as such.
also, there are often several of us responding and in that context, several different approaches can work.
Isn't that similar to options?
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Originally Posted by Live 
TJP, I believe I am the guilty party in encouraging Tigger to leave...if that is what you are referring to.
Nobody on here is expected to give anything like perfect feedback or advice... I only posted those things as possible guidance when relating to an abuse victim. No judgements here!
I love you guys and appreciate ALL of the ES&H shared here.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Originally Posted by Live
I would like to ask you a question...sometimes you say things very, very directly.
and I am also thinking of that thread that prompted L2L and I to talk about this.
On that thread you said that the guy was a sociopath and pasted up those characteristics.
Now, I so agree with you and I was thinking the very same thing. Once you have known one, you recognize it, don't you think?
But I am trying to understand that "think for yourself" and naming things such as that, I guess.?
Can you help clarify your thinking and approach?
and I am also thinking of that thread that prompted L2L and I to talk about this.
On that thread you said that the guy was a sociopath and pasted up those characteristics.
Now, I so agree with you and I was thinking the very same thing. Once you have known one, you recognize it, don't you think?
But I am trying to understand that "think for yourself" and naming things such as that, I guess.?
Can you help clarify your thinking and approach?
Lots of these posts hit a nerve and trigger a strong reaction from me -- sometimes I respond inappropriately -- probably more often than not. We're all just people here...trying to help each other. I think that is understood.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Wonderful thread, thanx everybody.
Thanx Bolina. For those who are so inclined, a good place to start is this sticky:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ng-abused.html
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Actually, we handle DV in PM's. A forum would not work because a lot of our members are still new to recovery and they react to another member's DV in exactly the most _unhelpful_ way. Basically, they are still in the classic co-dependent frame of mind "Do what I say or I'll force you". To a person in the midst of DV, that attitude is no different than the attitude of the bullying partner they are currently suffering under.
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As a general note:
Some of the volunteers that keep SR going _are_ professionals in the health care or mental health field. We're not here _as_ professionals, which is why you don't see any kind of licensure info or initials after our names. SR is very well connected with the appropriate resources all over the country, and our primary goal is to connect members with local professionals.
All of which happens in private, via PM or email, and sometimes by phone when appropriate. So if you see the moderators taking a hard line about the general tone a DV thread is taking, or posts disapearing, or members being politely asked to "cool off", it's because we place the life and safety of members involved in DV _above_ any other needs.
Ultimately, it's _you_ folk who give SR the feeling of safety and security that people involved in DV so desperately need. Without our members, and the kinder, gentler ones in particular, we would not be able to reach out to as many DV people as we can. For that I am deeply grateful to you.
Mike
Moderator, SoberRecovery
Originally Posted by Bolina
...There are some excellent resources in the stickies in terms of leaving an abusive relationship.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ng-abused.html
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Originally Posted by Live
... I have often thought about a DV forum in SR.....
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
As a general note:
Some of the volunteers that keep SR going _are_ professionals in the health care or mental health field. We're not here _as_ professionals, which is why you don't see any kind of licensure info or initials after our names. SR is very well connected with the appropriate resources all over the country, and our primary goal is to connect members with local professionals.
All of which happens in private, via PM or email, and sometimes by phone when appropriate. So if you see the moderators taking a hard line about the general tone a DV thread is taking, or posts disapearing, or members being politely asked to "cool off", it's because we place the life and safety of members involved in DV _above_ any other needs.
Ultimately, it's _you_ folk who give SR the feeling of safety and security that people involved in DV so desperately need. Without our members, and the kinder, gentler ones in particular, we would not be able to reach out to as many DV people as we can. For that I am deeply grateful to you.
Mike
Moderator, SoberRecovery
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
I didn't think it was inappropriate and didn't mean it that way.
That OP didn't think so either. She is saying that is what helped her.
response to TJP..before I saw your post Mike.
this post fell out of order.
That OP didn't think so either. She is saying that is what helped her.
response to TJP..before I saw your post Mike.
this post fell out of order.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
Many of us have lived thru abusive situations. I didn't realize how dangerous mine was until after I started going to joint marriage counseling and then to Al Anon. I will tell anyone who will listen that Al anon saved my life... But actually it was the combination of counseling, then al anon, then some DV counseling and then SR.
It was hard work. All of it. And I have been triggered big time lately by some events in my hometown and I have to remember that I too have some lingering PTSD as a result of my life experiences. I can understand how some people would want to yell OMG run! And I also know that in the earlier days I would not have listened or understood... and a bit later it would have been extraordinarily dangerous for me to have left before I had worked out all the details and logistics of my plan.
Recovery is a process and we need to remember that it all takes time. There is no quick fix or easy answer, and what is right for me might not be right for someone else.
Thank God for safe places. SR is one of my best safe places. I love all of you- those who are here and those who came before me. I continue to learn and grow.
It was hard work. All of it. And I have been triggered big time lately by some events in my hometown and I have to remember that I too have some lingering PTSD as a result of my life experiences. I can understand how some people would want to yell OMG run! And I also know that in the earlier days I would not have listened or understood... and a bit later it would have been extraordinarily dangerous for me to have left before I had worked out all the details and logistics of my plan.
Recovery is a process and we need to remember that it all takes time. There is no quick fix or easy answer, and what is right for me might not be right for someone else.
Thank God for safe places. SR is one of my best safe places. I love all of you- those who are here and those who came before me. I continue to learn and grow.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 985
to live - reading your responses on this thread I would like to remind all of us that we don't have to read or respond to everything here. I will read through and often don't respond because it puts me on overload. I read as much as I can and then I move on. I try to judge what I can handle despite wanting to reach out - I have to take care not to take on more than I can manage. From all the responses throughout the site I am amazed that some people can do so much and have that much compassion on a consistent basis. There are certain subjects I avoid for my own reasons and there are also times when i feel the responses are so many that I don't feel the necessity of adding more.
deserteyes - thank you for letting us know what is in place to help the more serious situations here - was actually asking that same question of another adm.
catspj- thanks for sharing!
deserteyes - thank you for letting us know what is in place to help the more serious situations here - was actually asking that same question of another adm.
catspj- thanks for sharing!
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
I would like to gently point out that no one is responsible for escalating domestic abuse in the lives of members of this forum except the abuser. While I realize that an example of a member experiencing domestic violence who was told to run and never returned to the forum was given as guidance, for those who have given advice to leave, it could be misinterpreted as blame.
A book packed with tons of wisdom about domestic violence, where to seek help, and how to stay safe is The Gift of Fear by Gavin DeBecker. It should be required reading in public schools, IMHO.
A book packed with tons of wisdom about domestic violence, where to seek help, and how to stay safe is The Gift of Fear by Gavin DeBecker. It should be required reading in public schools, IMHO.
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Thank you so much for your posts and all the information you have shared here tjp.
tjp said:
I think this should be bannered across the top of the Sober Recovery website.
tjp said:
Giving them back their power and sense of self-worth is the objective. You have to be careful about making them feel even MORE "stupid" for wanting (or needing) to stay.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
This is a great thread! Thank you all. I am amazed at the time and compassion freely given here.
I am one of the ones who came here with absolutely no clue – or complete denial, which are, after all, not the same things – that my relationship was abusive. Earlier this year, I went to a counselor, who specializes in addictions and codependency, so I could learn to communicate with (now) STBXAH. She suggested I go talk with a DV counselor and I was *sure* she meant for me to learn what 'real' abuse was and wanted me to see that life with STBX wasn’t that bad. After several sessions of her trying to convince me to go talk to them, I finally went. I am eternally grateful that I did and, honestly, I only did because of what I read here at SR and the additional research it prodded me into.
I have such a hard time reading some threads here, composing responses and editing endlessly only to not click ‘post’ out of fear of making things worse for the OP. DesertEyes, thank you for sharing how disclosures of DV are handled.
Several threads have left me feeling like screaming at my computer screen “No, no, no! Leave! Leave now! Can’t you see?! You are worth so much more!” I know it’s what I’m still telling myself, and I know that’s not the wisest or safest answer for others posting here. I know I was incredibly lucky with how things went when I left STBXAH, because I really had no plan and told him when and where DS and I were going. I'm lucky that at the time he (and I) thought he still had control and could talk his way back whenever he wanted to. I’m so glad that I no longer give him that power.
I’m not very far along my path of recovering from that relationship, but I’ve started and I’m getting professional help. And it’s due in a very large part to SR. I hope I’m soon able to offer back at least a small part of the support that I’ve gotten. Thank you all. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you!
I am one of the ones who came here with absolutely no clue – or complete denial, which are, after all, not the same things – that my relationship was abusive. Earlier this year, I went to a counselor, who specializes in addictions and codependency, so I could learn to communicate with (now) STBXAH. She suggested I go talk with a DV counselor and I was *sure* she meant for me to learn what 'real' abuse was and wanted me to see that life with STBX wasn’t that bad. After several sessions of her trying to convince me to go talk to them, I finally went. I am eternally grateful that I did and, honestly, I only did because of what I read here at SR and the additional research it prodded me into.
I have such a hard time reading some threads here, composing responses and editing endlessly only to not click ‘post’ out of fear of making things worse for the OP. DesertEyes, thank you for sharing how disclosures of DV are handled.
Several threads have left me feeling like screaming at my computer screen “No, no, no! Leave! Leave now! Can’t you see?! You are worth so much more!” I know it’s what I’m still telling myself, and I know that’s not the wisest or safest answer for others posting here. I know I was incredibly lucky with how things went when I left STBXAH, because I really had no plan and told him when and where DS and I were going. I'm lucky that at the time he (and I) thought he still had control and could talk his way back whenever he wanted to. I’m so glad that I no longer give him that power.
I’m not very far along my path of recovering from that relationship, but I’ve started and I’m getting professional help. And it’s due in a very large part to SR. I hope I’m soon able to offer back at least a small part of the support that I’ve gotten. Thank you all. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you!
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Wow TheUncertainty. That is such POWERFUL testimony to what so many of us go through and to how a group of caring individuals can help one another with mere words. SR F&F just feels different lately, I'm not sure why, just feels safer and more open than I remember it feeling. Maybe I have changed? Either way, thank you all for these shares. Truly an honor to read your words and your stories.
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