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mother of an alcholic

Old 10-17-2010, 08:24 AM
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mother of an alcholic

I am new here and I am looking for others who have coped with this problem.I have to figure out a way to stop making her the focus of my life. I feel her pain so much it dominates my life. She is struggling to recover and I want to help her so much. We are both put off by all the "God" references in AA literature. I can only find one al anon meeting here in this small town and it is god dominated. She is NYC so her options are better. I would do anything to help her.It looks as if detachment is the first step. How do you detach from your child's pain?
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Old 10-17-2010, 08:38 AM
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Welcome to the SR family!

You will find lots of support and information here for yourself. Your daughter may also benefit from this site by joining the newcomer's forum. However, I encourage you to keep your recoveries and online identities seperate.

Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. The area at the top of this forum contains sticky (permanent) posts. Those posts contain some of our stories and loads of wisdom.

This is a link to steps that have helped some of us:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

About the "God" reference at AA and Alanon:
Take what you like and leave the rest. (both groups recommend)

I live in the bible belt of southern USA. Most everyone at the AA and Alanon meetings I have attended refer to their HP (Higher Power) as Jesus.

I am not Christian.

I attend meetings and take what I like and leave the rest. I was desperate enough to seek support that I was not going to let another person's HP get in the way of my recovery.

At first, my HP was my Hewlett Packard. It can do things for me that I can not do for myself. seriously.

Now, my HP is my recovered self. The self that knows the rights actions. The self that knows the right choices. My recovery journey keeps me on the path that seeks that HP (my recovered self).

Keep reading and posting. We are here to support you.
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Old 10-17-2010, 11:15 AM
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Pelican, thanks for that advice. I am also a non-Christian, and have hesitated going to an Alanon meeting for that very reason.

Fullcircle, I understand your frustration in trying to detach... it certainly isn't easy. I have yet to take that step myself, even though I know it will be necessary.
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Old 10-17-2010, 01:34 PM
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Welcome Fullcircle, I have never been in your position, but my mother has been right there. I hope you read the stickies and hear the advice your offered. I know this must be one of the most difficult positions to be in.
I'm not a religious person, wouldn't even describe myself as Christian but I have learned that god or HP is what you make him/it/her, for me it has helped to have something to focus on or believe in. And I do but it isn't a conventional God as such, it's what I believe in.
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Old 10-17-2010, 02:32 PM
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Welcome from another mom.
Do work the 12 steps of al-anon.
The 1st place for change is with yourself. That is what
you have control of.
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Old 10-17-2010, 08:58 PM
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Hi fullcircle --
welcome

Peace-
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Old 10-18-2010, 05:13 AM
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There are alternative spiritual paths that are not Christian-based. I am Christian, but the non-Christian practices I've adopted have been JUST as instrumental, if not more so, as any of my Christian practices.

Three non-Christian books that have helped me TREMENDOUSLY in detachment are:

1) The Power of Now by Ekhart Tolle
2) Loving What Is by Byron Katie
3) Wherever You Go, There You Are by Jon Kabat-Zinn or Miracle of Mindfulness by Thich Nhat Hanh--or any good Zen Buddhist book on mindfulness.

If you can live in the moment and train yourself to come back to that place when you start obsessing, your life will become much more sane.
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Old 10-18-2010, 05:42 AM
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Originally Posted by fullcircle View Post
We are both put off by all the "God" references in AA literature.
Hi fullcircle,
I've heard of some people thinking of "God" as Good Orderly Direction. Also remember that it is the God of your understanding.
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Old 10-18-2010, 07:11 AM
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I gotta go with Pelican, I'm not religious either, not in a God/jesus type of way, so I am taking what I want from the literature. Although, I was put off by the recitation of the Lord's Prayer at the end of the meeting I went too. I'm willing to go with it though if it helps.
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Old 10-18-2010, 03:19 PM
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thanks

thanks so much . You have all been helpful. I am especially glad to have suggested books. I will check them out asap
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Old 10-18-2010, 03:32 PM
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Hi fullcircle.
I would love to hear more about you and your daughter. so keep posting.
I went through this with my son and sister. It is heart wrenching stuff and to see them hurting and out of control is so tough. With my son, I had to get tough, love him at the same time and slowly try to find out what was really going on with him, inside his head, let him know that I was in fact proud of him (even though I didnt like him much then) and talk when he needed it.
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Old 10-18-2010, 06:41 PM
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There are many types and levels of detachment IMO. I started with the very simple concept of not Reacting to the alcoholic. It is practicing the inihibition of the response. Gradually, that works out to be a small step back, away from the alcoholic. Then it evolved into a different sort of listening. It was a listening where I heard and understood in a manner completely different from how I had heard and understood anyone ever before. Which translated into another, bigger step back. But I am not sure how you learn how to practice this without going to Al-Anon. I did not believe in ANY God when I decided to go to Al-Anon. Nor did I develop a belief in God as a result of going to Al-Anon.
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Old 10-18-2010, 06:58 PM
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I tried Al-anon, but I gave up after 5 meeting. I, too, don't like the idea of god. And even though people kept saying that higher power can be anything I want it to be, Al-anon was just too spiritual for my liking.
I also really don't like the whole 12-step idea, and disagree with quite a few of the steps.
I quit on the first step, because I came to realize that I am NOT powerless over alcohol. I had a problem with an alcoholic, and I removed that problem from my life, by breaking up with her. But you can't really do that as a mother, so I don't really have any advice here. I believe that only one that has power over my life is myself, and no higher powers, whatever they may be, will ever gain control of my life and my will.
Melody Beattie's Codependent No More is a pretty good book, for the most part, but she also mentions god way too many times for a psychology book in my idea. But I'm ignoring those parts and only taking what I like.
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Old 10-18-2010, 08:31 PM
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I am the mom of an addict and alanon really helps me. [I]t is a spiritual program , not religious.I will say the serenty prayer, but do not say the Lords prayer as it is too "religious "for my taste. No one seems to mind. I would definately give it a try.Saved my life.
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Old 10-20-2010, 07:12 PM
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Detachment is the hardest thing She is really trying to do the AA thing now and I will go to Al anon and see what I can learn there. I cannot imagine not feeling her pain when she hurts or her joy when she is happy. If you are detached from one won't you be from the other? I am trying to step back from trying to fix everything. She has forbidden me to call her friends when I am concerned about her or afraid for her and I am obeying this rule.
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Old 10-20-2010, 11:25 PM
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Hi Fullcircle.

It took me along time to 'see' or finally 'surrender' to the madness of addiction. I never, ever stopped loving my family. I felt all the pain too, but it came to a point in my life, that I just couldnt deal with it at an emotional level anymore.
One thing I kept telling myself was this - I was detaching from the addiction (the addicted person) I wasnt detaching from my loved ones. I had to learn how to be strong and separate the two. The addicted person I did not know , I was trying to help. The person I did know, when sober, I loved very much, so I had to set my own rules up for what I would put up with or not and tell them.
I told myself, that I wouldnt put up with this from someone I didnt know, so why was I putting up with it because it was a family member? Love, blood, yes! but we are all human. Over time I realized I was actually feeding their addiction by running to them everytime I thought hey were in any kind of danger. I learnt not to do that and let them have the respect of making their own decisions for themselves.
JJ
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